MerryGoRound
by kandiland
Summary: My take on a Shawn and Chris angle...if you haven't figured it out this is Slash...Shawn and Chris both secretly like each other, can each of them let go of the past and be able to admit it? Read and find out.
1. Default Chapter

So yeah, I started this story a long time ago when I read the story Take it Away I Never Had it Anyway and thought it was a really cute angle and I couldn't watch raw with out thinking about it. So I decided to write my own Shawn and Chris story and this is what came out.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------------------  
  
Chris's POV:  
  
I walked through the Joe Louis arena headed no where in particular. Another day another dollar I thought and sighed. It's not like I don't like the WWE because I do hell I am living my dream it was just.well not to sound too sappy because I Chris Jericho ok Irvine the highlight of the night do not get sappy.it's my girlfriend Jessica. I miss her so much. Only getting to see her two or three days a week is getting to the two of us, we hardly ever get to really talk to each other anymore so we always ended up fighting a lot. Each time I have to say good bye to her it breaks my heart to see the look on her face as I bored the plane. But then I get in the ring and I know that right there is where I am supposed to be. The cheers and boos of the crowd give me such a rush it is an unbelievable feeling that I would never give up for the world. I know she would travel with me if it wasn't for the job she loved so much. She was a lawyer for the FBI and she loved every minute of it. It was so bad ass when I asked her what she did that day and she can't tell me because it's classified. My cell phone rings I look down and smile seeing the familiar number. I pick it up "Hey baby."  
  
"Hey" she said sounding a little worried, which immediately put me on edge because she didn't normally visibly show worry about anything.  
  
"What's wrong is everything ok" I asked  
  
"What? No everything is fine." She said I could tell she was lying.  
  
"It's just that, I don't know your ring antics really scare me some times you know." Jessica said  
  
"Jess you know how much planning and stuff goes into those matches; they take every precaution to make sure nobody really gets hurt you know that." I said trying his best to comfort her.  
  
"I know and you know I don't normally worry about these things but.well it's just (she instantly sounded more happy) I just don't want you to be in a wheel chair and not be able to play with our child." She said  
  
"What? Our child? You're pregnant?" I asked dumbfoundedly because I was now completely ecstatic.  
  
"Yep." She said.  
  
"Oh my god I'm gonna be a daddy! I can't believe this! I'm gonna go tell everyone. This is so great." I say "I'll talk to you later ok. I love you. God this is so great isn't it?"  
  
"Yeah it's great" she said "Bye, I love you too."  
  
"I'll see you when I get home from Grand Rapids in a few days." I say laugh as hear the phone click and take off toward the locker room to tell the other guys.  
  
**************************************************************************** *  
  
Jessica paced back and fourth through the kitchen running her hands through her hair nervously. Her hands shook as she picked up her glass of water almost spilling the contence out over the counter. She couldn't believe she had just lied to him like that. Not about being pregnant that was definitely true but about being happy about it. She swore and through the glass at the wall watching it shatter and the water drip down the paint walking into the living room not bothering to clean it up. She sat on the couch pulling her feet to her chest and resting her head on them and tears came to her eyes. "Damn it. Why am I feeling like this?" She asked no one in particular. "God I should be happy why aren't I." She shook her head in disgust at her self. She knew the answer to that she just didn't want to admit it because she knew it may very well be the end of her and Chris. She had to talk to him though. "Well here goes nothing." She picked up the phone and dialed the airport. "When is the first available flight to Detroit?"  
  
**************************************************************************** *  
  
I slam the door open and run in to the locker room and start to jump up and down. The others look at me like I am a maniac. I suppose I look like one but I didn't care I was too happy. Finally Hunter breaks the silence and asks probably something that is probably on everyone's mind. "What the hell is wrong with you Chris?"  
  
"Oh my god! I just found out! I'm gonna be a daddy! Jess is pregnant!" I said I looked around the room and everyone started to smile.  
  
Jason my childhood friend other wise known as Christian gets up and comes over and gives me a hug. "Congratulations man. I'm really happy for you guys." Everyone nods in agreement.  
  
Kevin Nash gets up and comes over and slaps me on the back. "Yeah nice work my friend." I can't help but laugh. "Seriously though kids are great I don't know what I would do without my son." I scan the room and everyone else gives me a happy smile and continues about what they were doing before I came in. Then I spot him. Is that a look of disappointment in the eyes of the great heart break kid? Nah you must be dreaming Chris. Why would he have any feelings over you, you hardly know the guy.  
  
Ok let me back up here. You are probably wondering what the hell is going on right? Well hell if I can even explain it to you. I can't help it I am attracted to the guy, he is beautiful, I don't know how you couldn't be. You are probably saying now, wait he's got a girlfriend. Yes I do. I'm not gay.but I'm not exactly straight either. I have always believed that when you fall in love you fall for the person, no matter male or female. Yes I have experimented with guys before. It scared most girls I tried to date off. I guess the thought of loosing me to another guy was a little to weird for them. Not that I blame them completely. When I said I always wanted to be like him that wasn't bull shit. I idolized the guy. I guess that's why when he came back I started to work on being able to be on the same show he was. Then I got him to accept the match with me at Wrestlemania. I thought taking Shawn to his limits would make him at least notice me but I guess I was wrong when I hugged him I knew it. He was so uncomfortable it was like touching me was like touching something toxic. I knew then that he could never want me the way I wanted him, I guess that's why I cried. Then I met Jessica, she was different she was so understanding of everything she even thought my being with guys before her was cool. She always said that she couldn't exactly be mad at me for being somewhat attracted to guys because well she was too, which is probably why I ended up falling for her. Anyways I digress. Shawn sees that I am looking at him and smiles at me that famous Shawn Michaels smile and I feel like I am going to melt. God I am so like a little boy with a crush when I am around him. Way to go Chris. Your girlfriend is pregnant with your child and alls you can think about is oh maybe that look means he wants me. What would you do leave her for him? I have to think about that for a minute. Answering this question shouldn't be as hard as it is for me. Oh well he obviously doesn't like guys anyway so yeah I don't know what I'm worried about.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __  
  
I hope you guys like this please read and review. If you guys like this I will post more if not I probably won't bother so yeah let me know. 


	2. Chp 2

So I decided to give you both points of view right off the bat  
  
Oh yeah I forgot to mention: I don't own Jack shit when it comes to the WWE although I wish I did owning Shawn or Chris wouldn't be bad.  
  
Also warning again this is slash so if you don't want to read about this then don't ____________________________________________________________________________ __  
  
Shawn's POV:  
  
Why did I feel like that news hit me like a ton of bricks? Why does what should be happy news bother me so much? I can hardly hold it together right now. I don't understand it. I must have a pretty odd look on my face because Chris is looking at me probably trying to figure out what I'm thinking. Ah hell Michaels you're giving yourself too much credit. He's probably just pissed at you that you don't seem happy. But why can't I be? I mean, never mind that the guy has hair that I just want to run my figures through sometimes and those eyes.wait a minute could it be that I.no, that's definitely not it. I promised myself I wouldn't let that happen again after.No! Don't think about that either or you will probably loose it completely, which would seem very fucking strange I'm sure. I decide to flash him a smile. Good that gesture seems to appease him at least for the time being. Oh shit, everybody's leaving. I got to get out of here before.I'm stuck in a room alone with him. Great just great. I should say something to him but I can't think of the words. But Chris breaks the silence for me. "Shawn are you ok?" He asked.  
  
God what a perfect question for him to ask me. "No everything's fine man. Just got a lot of stuff on my mind lately is all." I answered. God if that wasn't the understatement of the year I didn't know what was. Chris looks at me with what seems to be genuine concern and then it leaves his face and he nods his head accepting that answer. I really need to get out of here. I quickly grab up my stuff. I try to walk out and put my hand on Chris's shoulder and say "By the way congratulations man." I quickly walk out the door. Did he just shudder when I touched him? Nah, I must have imagined it. I mean why would he do that? I am so.I don't even know. I need a drink. That thought can go no where good because I am not much of a drinker, hell none of us are. But I make my way back to the hotel and head into the bar. I need to make these feelings I'm having go away. The hatred I have for Chris's girlfriend at this point. My hatred for Chris because he's with her and not with.no I won't even allow myself to finish that sentence. I need to forget. It won't take much, like I said I'm not much of a drinker. It's about 4 drinks later and I am slightly inebriated, ok more than slightly. "I think you had enough buddy" the bartender tells me. I can't say that I don't agree when I try to stand up and can hardly do it. I know this is so pathetic. I guess I better head back to my room. I walk out of the bar and get into the elevator. Where is my room again? Oh yeah, I remember now. Oh now I know I'm drunk, I would have to be to be standing here doing what I am contemplating doing. I am actually standing outside Chris's door thinking about knocking. I guess I could.maybe he's still up. Oh yeah that would be a great idea knock on the door to say what? Truthfully I don't really know. The longer I stand here the longer I know I'm not going to do anything but just stand here so I should just go. Ouch! What the fuck? How did I trip in to the door? Oh yeah I'm drunk. I better get out of here. Oh man I didn't just hear Chris's door open. "Shawn?" Damn it I did. I must have woken him up he is squinting hard at the light from the hallway.  
  
"Hey Chris" I say probably slurring my words.  
  
"What are you doing?" Chris asks  
  
"I don't know, trying to get to my room I guess." I say  
  
"Do you wanna come in for a while? You would probably get in some pretty big trouble if anyone saw you like this." Chris asks.  
  
Oh for god sakes I need to tell him no, being alone with him in a small room not a good idea "Sure, thanks." I say. NO! How did that come out of my mouth? Damn it! Well, when left up to me I will probably not do the right thing. Which would be why I am actually walking into Chris's room.  
  
"Make yourself at home." Chris says.  
  
"Thanks." I say as I sit down in a chair.  
  
"Shawn." Chris pauses for a minute as if trying to find the right thing to say. "Is something wrong? You've been acting weird today. And now, this.this isn't like you." Chris said  
  
Yeah that would be a great conversation. "No. It's nothing really. I already told you I've just had a lot on my mind." I say. Yeah as if that wasn't the understatement of the century again "I've just been feeling pretty stressed." I say and watch as he studies my face for a minute and nods accepting my answer. Good.  
  
"Well I'm gonna go back to sleep." Chris says.  
  
"Oh I didn't mean to wake you. I'll just leave." I say.  
  
I watch a smile come over his face "No it's ok man, you can stay I don't care. Flip on the TV for a while and sober up let yourself out when you feel up to it." Chris says as he tosses me the remote.  
  
"Alright. Thanks." I slide back into the chair propping my feet up on the coffee table and turn on the TV and flip through the channels and stop on the old Clint Eastwood movie Magnum Force. A mans got to know limitations, how ironically appropriate a tag line. I hear Chris's rhythmic breathing and know he must be back asleep. I have this unbelievable urge to go over and curl up next to him for some reason. He looks so peaceful. I can't help but smile. I close my eyes and listen to the lull of the TV.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __  
  
So what do you think should I post more? Please review. This is the first time I am ever posting anything on this site so please be gentle. 


	3. Chp 3

So I am trying to avoid studying for my finals at the moment so here's some more Shawn and Chris action. And I realized how short these last 2 chapters were so I combined the points of view hoping to make it a little longer.  
  
Just to interject something about raw.how lucky is Trish anyway she got to kiss Chris? Why did the damn writers have to mess with that storyline anyway, I think they need a few authors from this site to help them out. I am seeing with my psychic powers that Chris will not be able to beat up on Trish in their match at Armageddon. Guess only time will tell.  
  
Anyway I digress on with the show.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __  
  
Chris's POV:  
  
Well this is certainly an unexpected turn of events isn't it? When I opened my door only in my wildest fantasies would it have been Shawn on the other side of it. I couldn't believe he actually wanted to come in too. To bad I was half asleep so I couldn't be of much company. I wake up with a start at gun shots and realize that it's from the TV and you are still in the chair now asleep. I can't help but laugh at the thought that he probably passed out. He stirs a little and I can't help but smile. He is so cute. Damn it Chris, think about Jessica. Well he may be cold. I get up and pull off the comforter and walk over to him and look down at him. He still has his shoes on. I take them off him and cover him up. I can't help it I kiss him on the fore head. "Good night Shawn." I wake up and it is almost comforting to see him still sleeping in the chair. I can't help but smile again. I sit up and turn on the TV and Shawn stirs a little and wakes up. Oops he must be a light sleeper.  
  
"Morning." Shawn says rubbing his eyes and sighing heavily. I am guessing he must be pretty hung over. The sound of his voice did not just make me shiver. It is so sexy being more raspy than usually from sleep.  
  
"Morning. Did you sleep ok?" I ask.  
  
"Yeah, sorry I didn't mean to fall asleep." He says.  
  
"Oh it's fine. I don't mind." I said. That was such an understatement I was so happy I thought I was gonna burst, Shawn Michaels stayed in my room last night.  
  
"Sorry about being all drunk and weird yesterday too. I don't know what came over me." Shawn says.  
  
"Hey everybody has a bad day. Don't give it a second thought." I say.  
  
"Well um, I guess I should get back to my room Hunter will probably be wondering where I am." Then he chuckles "But on the other hand Stephanie is here for the week so maybe not." I watch as he goes to get up and it's one of the most terrible thing's I've ever scene in my life. As he attempts to stand up he clinches his teeth and takes a sharp intake of breath trying to bite back crying out in pain. He tries again moving extremely slow putting his hand on his back and pushing himself up with his other arm groaning all the while.  
  
I hop out of bed and help to steady him. He is now breathing heavily "Shawn are you ok?" I ask. Oh stupid question you moron, he wouldn't look like he wanted to die if he was ok.  
  
"I guess my back isn't happy with me right now for sleeping in a chair." He says Oh man I feel so bad. Shawn is in pain and it's all my fault. I could have let him sleep in the bed with me. Oh yeah that would have been real interesting. I guess it's better that I didn't. "Oh man I'm sorry. I should have woken you up when I woke up and realized you were still here." I say.  
  
"It's ok I'll be fine." Shawn says. I can tell he was just trying to make me feel better. "I'm just going to head back. I'll see you later ok." He tries to walk and I can see that he is struggling to move his leg. I can't believe I'm going to do this but I put my arm around his waist.  
  
"You're not going anywhere with out some help." I say. He nods at me in agreement and throws his arm over my shoulder.  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
Shawn's POV:  
  
God damn stupid mother fucking son of a bitch piece of shit back. It hasn't really bothered me more than a little except for after matches for months and it picks today of all days to hurt. In front of Chris? I hate showing weakness in front of others. Hell when I had surgery on my back I didn't let anyone around me for a week. Now I'm here having to have him help me just to walk. God this pissed me off. I have to admit I was pretty shocked when Chris slipped his arm around my waist. Oh it feels good to have him this close to me, really good. No I can't think like that I am going to ignore this and concentrate on moving my legs because I now feel the need to get this over with as soon as possible. Having him that close to me is making my breathing come out in shudders, but I think Chris is chalking it up to me being in pain so I don't think I have much to worry about. Oh man I just realized something my room isn't even on the same floor as Chris's. I was pretty drunk last night so maybe he won't ask me about it. After what seems like an eternity to me even though it could not even have been 5 minutes we reach my door. Good he didn't ask. "Thanks Chris." I say weakly.  
  
"Hey it's no problem what are friends for right" he said. Friends, yeah just great. "Do you need some help getting inside?" He asked with a look of concern on his face. I knew that he was still thinking that this was all his fault which somehow made my back hurt even worse. I hated the thought that I was causing him any sort of pain, I don't really know why. Or hell maybe I do. I don't know. I don't know anything right now.  
  
"Yeah I do thanks man." I hear myself say. I so don't want to explain this to Hunter and Stephanie but I don't have much choice at this point. Chris is the only way I'm getting anywhere right now.  
  
"Where's your key?" Chris asks.  
  
"It's in my pocket." I say. I look down slightly and watch as he puts his hand on my hip and slides it down in to my pocket searching out the keys. Oh god.he better find them soon. He does and opens the door and to my great pleasure Hunter and Stephanie are not there. Good maybe I won't have to explain this after all not that I could. I try to lay down on the bed going very slowly and as I bend it sends a shock wave of pain through me and I hit the mattress. " Ahh! God damnit." I manage to get out. I close my eyes clinching my teeth waiting for it to go away. I feel Chris sit on the bed and put his hand on my leg.  
  
"Shawn do you want a back massage or something?" Chris asks with hesitation in his voice.  
  
I look at him and blink trying to see if he is serious. From the look on his face I can see that he is. Why would he want to do that? But I don't think him having his hands rubbing all over me would be a very good idea. I should tell him no and make him leave before I do something that I may regret. "Um, I guess so," I hear myself say. God damn it! What the fuck. What am I doing. Well I guess Hunter and Kevin have given me a back massage before so maybe it's not that weird. Oh yeah keep telling yourself that.  
  
"Roll over and let me take care of you." Chris says. Jesus that sounded suspiciously like a come on, if I didn't know any better I would think.nah. Oh god oh god oh god. This shouldn't be happening I can't let this happen. So why then am I taking off my shirt and positioning myself on my stomach on the bed. God even that sounds bad. I feel Chris swing his leg over me I can tell he is sitting over me. Oh this isn't good. I feel his hands press against my skin and I have trouble catching my breath. Why me? Why fucking me.  
  
"Shawn this isn't going to work if you don't relax." Chris says. Oh yeah easy for him to say that bastard. He's not the one that is getting a massage from the guy that he.no I won't let myself finish that sentence. I don't understand any of this. I need to think about something else, anything else other than the fact that Chris is straddling me and his hands are roaming all over my upper body. I start to think about home and my family and friends and that along with the massage does manage to allow me to relax. Oh man did I just moan. Oh this feels too good. Well my back is feeling better now I could tell him to that it's alright now, but for some stupid reason my ability to speak must have temporarily left me because I am not able to form words. I hear the door swing open.  
  
"Shawn?" I hear that unmistakable voice that could only belong to one person "Where the hell were you last night?" Hunter said his words slowing if I had to guess is probably from seeing the position I am in right now. "Um, hi Chris.maybe we should leave."  
  
"Why? I was about done with him anyway." Chris says like Hunter had said the stupidest thing in the world. Oh of all the word in all of the English language he had to choose those ones. I am so dead when he leaves. Which would be why I can't bring myself to look at Hunter or Stephanie who I am assuming is standing right there as well.  
  
I can almost hear Hunters all too famous smirk on his face when he says "Oh alright then." He says. Oh yeah I am fucking dead. Chris finally lets me get up and I turn over and sit up to see a Hunter and Stephanie trying extremely hard not to laugh. Oh if they say anything to embarrass me right now I am so going to kill them.  
  
"I hope that helped." Chris said.  
  
"Yeah I feel much better." I manage to choke out.  
  
"Well I guess I'll see you all later." Chris says and I wave as he leaves.  
  
"So." Says Hunter. Oh god here it comes "That's what or should I say who you were doing last night."  
  
"Not funny Hunter." I say in a growl.  
  
"Well you two did look pretty cozy in here a minute ago."  
  
"Shut up Hunter!" I say. God why can't there be a hole in here that I can crawl into.  
  
"We would have left if you two had wanted to you know." He says  
  
"Enough Hunter" I yell. "It wasn't what it looked like anyway."  
  
"Oh really?" Hunter says raising an eyebrow. "So you didn't spend the night with him last night and he wasn't just straddling you and looking at you like he wanted to jump you." Hunter says  
  
"He was?" I ask. Oh me and my big mouth.  
  
"Shawn and Chris sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g." Hunter sang in a mocking tone.  
  
"You did not just do that, what are you twelve?" I ask  
  
"Look in all seriousness, it is ok for you to like him, it's been a long time man." Hunter says.  
  
"It is not! And I do not like him anyways." I say now slightly annoyed that they won't leave this alone "His girlfriend is having his baby emphasis on girl. And just so you know the first rule in the bi-sexual hand book is don't fall for a straight person it will bring you nothing but heart ache."  
  
"Well what if he was a switch hitter so to speak like you are." Hunter says. Damn it I will not allow myself to entertain that idea. That would mean I would have to face the idea that he could be attracted to me to and it would be ok for me to.NO!  
  
"Well you could talk to him about it" says Stephanie.  
  
"Oh yeah that would be one hell of a conversation wouldn't it. Hey Chris, are you bi? Because I am and I have a thing for you. And knowing how things go for me that's exactly how it would come out" I say.  
  
"So you're admitting you have a thing for him." Hunter asks  
  
" No! Yes! I don't know." I say as I pace across the floor and run my hands through my hair in frustration. I just want this to go away. I can't deal with it right now. I need to get away and that's not easy in a hotel room so I go to into the bathroom maybe a shower will knock some sense into me. If anything it may help to clear my head. But all I can manage to do is sit on the toilet and put my head in my hands. Soon I hear a knock at the door.  
  
"Shawn, honey are you ok? Can I come in?" Stephanie says.  
  
"I guess. It's not locked." I say fighting back tears  
  
She walks in and comes and sits on the floor in front of me and puts her hand on my leg trying to get my attention. "Shawn you should know better by now that to let anything Hunter says get to you like this." She says. I sigh and know she's right. But it wasn't what he said so much as the fact that he might be right. I don't know if I can deal with what that would mean. She must see what I am thinking in my eyes "Wow you're worried he might actually be right aren't you." She said echoing my own sentiments.  
  
I nod and can hardly get out my next words. "And Steph I don't know if I can deal with that. That I might actually be.be." I can't finish what I started to say and I close my eyes and a I feel a tear trickling down my face.  
  
She sits now kneeling and wraps her arms around my neck. Then pulls away taking my face in her hand forcing me to look at her. "Shawn, listen to me ok" says Stephanie "I don't think he would want you to go through the rest of your life alone. He would want you to be happy." I know this was supposed to make me feel better but it really didn't. All the memories came back and all the tears that I had been holding back came flooding out. I burry my head in Stephanie's shoulder and let everything come out. "Oh Shawn." I can tell by the sound of her voice that she is crying. We sit there for a while until I have no more tears to cry.  
  
"I'm ok now, thanks Steph." I say trying to convince myself as much as her. "I'm gonna take a shower." I stand up pulling her with me.  
  
"Ok." She says and she hugs me tight before we walk out of the bathroom door. I can feel Hunter looking at me as I grab some clothes. I'm sure it's probably because it's probably pretty obvious that I have been crying which I don't do much. After everything that happened a few years ago not much is sad enough to make me cry anymore.  
  
"Shawn I didn't mean to." Hunter says  
  
I cut him off "It's ok, this is only partially to do with you."  
  
"Still after everything that you have been through I should know better than to joke with you about something like that. I'm really sorry." He says. I nod. Oh man I can feel more tears coming as Hunter comes over and gives me a hug. I walk into the bathroom and climb into the shower and let the warm water run over me. I put my hands on the cool tile and look up toward the sky and grab the cross on my necklace. God? Hi it's me Shawn. I just want it all to go away. I don't know what I am going to do. I don't know how to handle all that I'm feeling right now. Or if I'm really even feeling it at all. Please, I need your help to get through this lord. Please help me.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __  
  
So, what's got Shawn all upset? Guess you'll just have to keep reading to find out. 


	4. breakdowns

So yeah here's another chapter. I ended up using an song in this particular chapter, I guess I plan on doing that every once in a while when I find a song that fits to well to leave it out. I am taking a little bit of poetic license because I can't see them actually see these guys listening to that type of music but it fits really well so I couldn't resist. Anyway I hope people are reading this and enjoying.  
  
Side note I saw Chris on ESPN's Cold Pizza this morning. It was hysterical, he was making fun of this one reporter who was a gigantic tool and the guy didn't even realize it until then end. He was gushing over his baby ash, it was so cute.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __  
  
Chris's POV:  
  
I walk out the door and take a step and lean back up against the wall. That was a little awkward. What did I offer to give him a back massage anyway? What the hell was I thinking? And I have a girl friend who is having my child, which I am so happy about. I've always wanted to be a daddy I can hardly believe it is actually happening, I feel like I might burst. I love Jessica so much more because of this. So how can I possibly be having feelings for Shawn then? God I thought about these same exact things yesterday and I am no closer to answers then I was then. I just wish I didn't have these feelings for Shawn. I wish they would just fucking go away. But somehow I don't think it will be that easy although I wish it could be. I don't know why I'm worried anyway, a guy like Shawn could have any girl he wants why would he go for guys. I walk into my room and flop down on the bed. Maybe I can find some serenity in here. I think I'll call Jess. I take out my cell and hit the speed dial for my house. It rings and rings and rings and soon I hear my own voice talking to me via our answering machine. Hum, that's weird I thought she had a few days off because she just finished a big case. Well they sometimes don't get over right when she thinks they will anyways. Or maybe she's just out shopping or grabbing lunch or something. Wow speaking of lunch is that my stomach? I guess that makes sense I haven't eaten since yesterday a while before my match. And it is lunch time. I guess now is as good a time as any to go find food. I walk down to the restaurant in the hotel and see Jay sitting there, he sees me and takes a bite of his cheeseburger and waves me over and I go and sit across from him. It's good to have Jay around he's been my friend for ages and he's bi too which makes me him able to understand me a lot better than most people which is probably why we are so close. I see that there is another plate of food and wonder who he's eating with. I don't have to wonder long because Jeff Hardy walks over and slides in next to Jay and grabs his food from in front of me.  
  
"Hey Chris what's going on." Jeff says.  
  
"Not much dude. Good to see you it's been a while." I say "You here visiting Matt?"  
  
"Yeah and I thought I'd come see my raw boys since you are so close together. I was just tying to call you, guess that's why you weren't there." Jeff says.  
  
"Yeah, so how's the record coming? Are you coming back soon?" I ask  
  
"Yeah it's about finished, it's in post production right now." Jeff says. "It would have been done a while ago except."  
  
"Except for what?" I ask  
  
"Well it's hard to work with people you're involved with." Jeff says.  
  
"Oh you're producer was a woman?" I ask  
  
"Yeah but, that's not exactly what I was talking about. I ended up with Travis the drummer in my band." Jeff says. Really, I didn't know that Jeff was bi. Jay is so surprised that he spits out the water he just drank. Jay's had a thing for Jeff since he met him, but he never thought Jeff would be into that sort of thing so he never did anything about it. Today may turn out to be interesting after all. I wonder if Jay will have the balls to day anything about it now.  
  
"Travis huh? I remember him he's cute." I say.  
  
"We had some artistic differences so we ended up breaking it off and he left the band so we could still be friends." Jeff says. Jay is still sitting there with his eyes wide and his jaw about on the floor. Jeff waves his head in front of Jays face. "Jay? Are you ok?"  
  
"Do you want to run that by me again?" Jay says.  
  
"Well I've never been exactly straight but I never thought it was any ones business." Jeff says.  
  
"But you were with Trish.so I always thought.I guess that means you're bi." Jay says  
  
"Yeah, I thought you would take this better. I mean you're Chris's best friend. I hope this doesn't change anything between us. Everyone here is like my family. I don't want to loose you because of this." Jeff says quickly starting to ramble a little. Jay just puts a finger to his lips and leans in and kisses him. "Jay? I never thought that.I mean I've wanted that for so long I just never thought that you."  
  
"Me neither." Jay says laughing a little. "Do you wanna get out of here?"  
  
"Um, yeah." Jeff says  
  
"I'll go get our bills I'm not wasting another second." Jay says which gets a laugh out of me and manages to make Jeff turn the color of the red streaks in his hair. Leave it to Jay to be blunt as hell.  
  
"Well this is certainly an unexpected turn of events." I say.  
  
"I'd say so yeah." Jeff says.  
  
I hear a voice that I would recognize anywhere. Aww hell. Shawn, Hunter and Stephanie walk by and Stephanie waves slightly and smiles at me. I watch them as they head to their table. From what I can tell Shawn looks really pissed about something. It's probably all the explaining he had to do about what was going on when Hunter and Stephanie walked in this morning. I snap out of it and realize that Jeff is talking to me but I can't make out what he is saying until.  
  
"Chris? Hey lover boy, snap out of it." Jeff says.  
  
"What?" I ask since I honestly hadn't heard anything for the last few minutes. Jeff laughs at me.  
  
"You've got it bad." He says.  
  
"What are you nuts?" I ask.  
  
"Hey there's nothing wrong with it man he's pretty hot." Jeff said.  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about." I say trying to cover. Having other people know about my thing for Shawn is just what I need so it could get back to him or heaven forbid Jessica.  
  
"Oh come on you were just totally staring at Shawn as he walked by." Jeff says. "He was watching you too you know."  
  
"Really?" I say excitedly "Oh man."  
  
"I knew it." Jeff said as he laughed.  
  
"Oh Jeff you can't say anything about it. It's just a stupid crush and he's so straight and I'm with Jess and she's pregnant and." I say as Jeff cuts me off.  
  
"It's alright dude your secrets safe with me." Jeff says.  
  
"Oh thank you!" I say.  
  
"Did you say Jessica was pregnant?" Jeff asks  
  
"Yeah I'm gonna be a daddy can you believe it?"  
  
"Oh my god congratulations man." Jeff says and stands up and hugs me across the table and kisses me full on the mouth.  
  
"Let's just leave that sort of thing to Jay from now on." I say sitting back down.  
  
"Sorry dude caught up in the moment." Jeff says and he looks off to the side. "Oh well no harm done I guess, or I could be wrong."  
  
What was he talking about? I look over and see Shawn walking towards us looking as pissed off as I have ever scene him.  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
Shawn's POV:  
  
I got out of the shower and left the bathroom and Hunter and Stephanie are sitting together on the bed. "Hey man we were going to go get some lunch you wanna join us." Hunter asks.  
  
I wasn't really all that hungry but I haven't eaten in a while so "Sure why not." Not like I had anything else to do at the moment and it is lunch time. I head with them to the restaurant in the hotel down stairs. We walk in and I see the one person I did not need to see right now. Why of all people does he have to be here? Yeah he probably is hungry just like I am. And he's sitting with, Jeff Hardy. What in the blue fuck is he doing with him? That little rainbow bright wanna be stupid ass mother. Wait a minute what am I mad for? He's Chris's friend. And he probably is here visiting Matt and just ran in to him down here. Why am I feeling the need to justify those two being together? What is the big deal anyway? It's not like he likes him. Yeah Michaels that's a laugh the guy with the pregnant girlfriend likes guys, how stupid can I be. Wait a damn minute. Did Jeff just fucking kiss him? What the hell! Oh I am going to rip his damn lips off.  
  
"Shawn," Hunter in a warning tone. "Don't do anything stupid." He had scene what I was looking at. Not do anything stupid, he obviously doesn't know me very well. For some stupid reason the sight of Chris and Jeff is driving me insane. Oh I wasn't gonna do anything stupid I was going to go rip Jeff multicolored head right off his body. "Oh boy." Says Hunter as some outside force takes over my body and makes me get up and start to walk over to the two of them. I must look pretty pissed because Chris looks absolutely terrified.  
  
"Hi Chris." I say in an icy tone "Jeff."  
  
"Hey Shawn it's good to see you man, it's been a while." Says Jeff and stick out his hand for me to shake it and I don't.  
  
"Here to beg and plead for your job back?" I say and Jeff looks at me like I'm crazy.  
  
"Shawn I left because I wanted to we both know that." Jeff says looking slightly hurt. I don't care that stupid bastard deserves it. He stole Chris. What? From who? Not from you, you moron you never had him anyway. From Jessica that is the answer. Chris is with Jessica. Why am I so freaking bothered by him being with Jeff then. I am too pissed to care about any of that right now.  
  
"Hey Shawn." Says Jay walking up behind me and sliding in next to Jeff and Jeff puts his arm lazily around his shoulders and Jay turns his head and gives him a quick kiss. Oh man I am such an asshole. And rational thought begins to return to my head. What exactly did I think I was gonna accomplish by coming over here anyway. And what the hell came over me? Chris is with Jessica, he loves her, she's having his baby. Then why was I so freaking bothered by him being with Jeff.  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
Chris's POV:  
  
What in the blue hell came over Shawn. I've never scene him like this. "You ready to go?" Jay asks looking at Jeff. I look at Jeff pleading silently for him not to leave me alone with Shawn. I think he gets the idea.  
  
"Well we could stay I mean I haven't scene Shawn or Hunter in a while it would be kind cool to hang with them for a while." Jeff says. Oh thank god. I am safe at least for a little while. Then I see Jay lean in and whisper something in Jeff's ear. Jeff's eyes go wide.  
  
"Ok well gotta go nice seeing you Shawn, Chris I'll see you guys when we go to the arena tonight." Jeff says quickly as him and Jay practically run for the exit. God damn it. I am so going to kill Jay later!  
  
"Well that was interesting to say the least. When did that happen?" Shawn says  
  
"About 5 minutes ago." I say.  
  
"Hum, they're pretty cute together." Shawn says. I have to admit that statement surprises me a little. Well now I know at least he's ok with the idea of people being bi or gay. Maybe I should tell him I'm bi. Oh yeah that would be a great idea. I watch as he studies the table for a second. "You didn't eat yet did you?"  
  
"Uh, no actually, I walked in at the end of them having lunch and joined them." I say  
  
"You could um, come eat with Hunter and Stephanie and I." Shawn says. I can't help but feel shocked right now. I should tell him no because I know I need to be as far away from him as possible, but that would be the intelligent thing to do.  
  
"Yeah sure I don't feel much like eating by myself anyway." I say. I could kick my own ass right now what am I doing following Shawn over to his table and sitting down. "Hey Hunter, Stephy."  
  
"Hey Chris." Hunter says. God I could just smack that stupid ass smirk off his face sometimes and this would be one of those times. I don't know how I managed to get through eating lunch with them. I guess I can take solace in the fact that for some reason Shawn seemed to be as uncomfortable as I was. I don't really even remember what we talked about I just ordered and ate as fast as I could so I could get the hell out of there. I went back up to my room and I still have about 4 hours until I have to be at the arena. Well considering I had to travel across Michigan to get there I quickly packed up my stuff and take out my cell phone and called Jay.  
  
"Hello?" Jay says  
  
"Hey dude it's me you about ready to go?" I ask  
  
"Hold on." Jay says and he covers the receiver obviously to fend off his new boyfriend. "Yeah just about actually. I got slightly distracted from packing." Jay says I hear Jeff laugh in the background.  
  
"I bet you did bro, I bet you did." I say trying not to laugh myself.  
  
"Cool we'll meet you in the lobby in like 15." Jay says and hangs up. I sit down and pull on my ugg boots and a Burton snowboards hat and a winter coat. Damn Michigan winters this is why I moved from Canada in the first place I didn't want to deal with this shit. Oh well. I grab my stuff and head to the down to the lobby to wait for Jay. He is there shortly after I arrive and we walk out headed to our rent-a-SUV and put in our luggage when Jeff puts his hand on my shoulder.  
  
"Hey Chris look." He says pointing across the parking lot. I see Shawn standing there with the hood to his rent a car up and he is looking inside. "You should go offer to help."  
  
I shouldn't go over there. But I am anyways. Shawn hardly notices me as I walk up. "Hey car problems?" I ask. Yeah brilliant deduction Sherlock.  
  
"Yeah stupid rent-a-car company must have gave me a car with a cracked alternator. Because yeah." He says and he holds up the belt. "I was just looking to see if there was anything else I could see wrong so when I call to bitch them out I can do it right."  
  
"Oh that's not good." I say  
  
"Uh no." He says. "I am so pissed. Now I will have to wait for them to bring me another one and I'm probably going to be late, which is just great because I'm on first this week."  
  
"Why don't you just leave the keys here and let them deal with it and you can ride with Jay and Jeff and me." I say. I can not believe that I just did that.  
  
"Yeah sure." Shawn says. "Thanks man. I'll be right back." I stand there and to wait for him to come back so I can help him with his bags and a few minutes later he comes back with a smile on his face. "Alright, let's hit the road." He opens the side door and pulls out his suit cases and hands me one of them and we walk back to Jay and my car and I open the back hatch and put his stuff in the back with all of ours. He hops in the back and I hop in the other side. "I hope you don't mind another passenger."  
  
"Not at all." Jay says "We all set?"  
  
"Yep let's go." I say and Jay starts to drive. We talk and bull shit for a while. Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad after all.  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
Shawn's POV:  
  
I could have killed stupid enterprise or where ever it was that I rented that stupid car from. Oh well at least I'm going to be getting there. Even if it has to be in the same car as Chris. I am actually having a good time with these guys. So maybe this won't be so bad after all. It's been about an hour and we haven't even turned on the radio yet. I see Jay pull a CD out of the center consol. "Hey you guys have got to here this guy. His voice is just awesome. Trish had me listen to this once and my jaw about hit the floor that this is just a kid he's like 20 years old."  
  
"Alright." Chris says. Jay puts in the CD. I listen to the first few notes and hear his voice and it is this awesome baritone that just touches right to your sole. I look around and I hear Jay start to sing a long with a few of the words that he manages to figure out in Italian. And Jeff and Chris are bobbing their heads slightly. This almost reminds me of rode trips I use to take with Hunter and Kevin and Brett in the old days. I look over at Chris and he smiles at me. Maybe it's the music accompanying it but just that gesture was enough to make me feel all warm inside. I think more about the old days and I instantly start to feel guilty. How could I not I guess. I sigh. I need to think of something else quick or I am going to be crying soon especially with my thoughts traveling along this particular subject. I start to listen to the music it's actually pretty soothing. Then a new song starts and something tells me that this isn't going to be good.  
  
Who can say for certain  
  
Maybe you're still here  
  
I feel you all around me  
  
Your memories so clear  
  
Oh SHIT! Not a good song. I need Jay to flip it to the next song. Damnit why won't my voice work  
  
Deep in the stillness  
  
I can hear you speak  
  
You're still an inspiration  
  
Can it be (?)  
  
That you are mine  
  
Forever love  
  
And you are watching over me from up above  
  
Fly me up to where you are  
  
Beyond the distant star  
  
I wish upon tonight  
  
To see you smile  
  
If only for awhile to know you're there  
  
A breath away's not far  
  
To where you are  
  
Oh god. I look wildly about the car trying to concentrate on anything but the words to the song. My leg is tapping wildly and my fists clinch and unclench as I am trying desperately not to cry. I look out the window, trying to concentrate on the passing scenery. That was always the part of the car ride that.what am I trying to do to myself anyway.  
  
Are you gently sleeping  
  
Here inside my dream  
  
And isn't faith believing  
  
All power can't be seen  
  
As my heart holds you  
  
Just one beat away  
  
I cherish all you gave me everyday  
  
At this point my eyes are closed and a couple of tears have managed to escape. I am trying so hard not to cry in front of these guys. But this song just hits so hard on what I am dealing with right now I can hardly help it. I look at my hands and notice that they are shaking. The rest of me feels like it is too.  
  
'Cause you are mine  
  
Forever love  
  
Watching me from up above  
  
And I believe  
  
That angels breathe  
  
And that love will live on and never leave  
  
I feel what must be Chris hand on my shoulder. "Shawn?" Chris asks I turn my head to him and a tear slips down my face and I try to blink it away. He takes off his seat belt and slide over by me and puts an arm around my shoulders. I know that this should make me feel better but it feels really nice to have him that close to me which makes me feel extremely guilty considering what I was listening to at the moment. I can't hold back my tears any more and as stupid as I feel I lean my head onto Chris's shoulder and before I can stop it my tears are flowing freely.  
  
Fly me up  
  
To where you are  
  
Beyond the distant star  
  
I wish upon tonight  
  
To see you smile  
  
If only for awhile  
  
To know you're there  
  
A breath away's not far  
  
To where you are  
  
I know you're there  
  
A breath away's not far  
  
To where you are  
  
Oh praise the lord. Oh man that was such torture. "Maybe I better put in another CD." Jay says. He fumbles around for a while and I hear Nickelback start to play. I don't move from Chris for a while. Some how I don't think he minds either. I just need to be held right now. Finally I sit up and Chris slides away and puts back on his seat belt and he looks at me with concern on his face.  
  
"What going on Shawn, what was that all about anyway?" Chris asks I just shake my head before looking out the window. Maybe I should tell him, he would probably understand considering Jay and Jeff. No because I wouldn't want him to have any reason to suspect that I, no, I can't do this. That song was a sign if I'd ever heard one I'm not supposed to be doing this right now. "Why did that song hit you so hard?" Now this car just got entirely too small and I feel like I can't get air.  
  
"Jay, can you stop the car for a second. I need to get out." I say knowing how strange that request must sound considering its December but I don't care. He pulls off to the side and I quickly unbuckle my seat belt and jump out before I can be asked anymore questions. I walk over behind a near by tree. I stand there close my eyes and take in deep breaths. I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and I can feel it coming up into my throat before I know it my hands are on my knees and I throw up probably everything I've eaten in the past week. Which makes more tears come. I realize that I am shaking again but that is probably because I didn't bother to put my coat on. I need to pull myself together and get back to the car before some one comes after me. I wouldn't want them to see me like this. Not that it's much worst that what they've scene already I guess. I sigh and take a couple more deep breaths and wipe my eyes with my hands. I walk on shaky legs back to my car and climb in and fish through my coat pockets to find a piece of gum as Jay takes off again. I take my coat and ball it up and put it against the window and close my eyes pretending that I'm asleep so that I can avoid all the questions that I know all three of them must have. Questions that I am not ready to answer. After what seems like an eternity we finally reach Grand Rapids. No one talks to me as we get out of the car I guess they are waiting for me to say something. Fat chance of that. I walk into the hotel to get my key to my room with Hunter who is already there. I go to leave the desk and get a few steps and some one grabs my arm.  
  
"Shawn?" Chris asks. "Are you ok? You scared the absolute shit out of me man."  
  
"I'm ok now." I say hoping that will be the end of it but I know it won't be.  
  
"Who died that was that close to you?" Chris asks "I mean that can be the only reason I would think that that song would bother you as much as it did."  
  
Oh boy this is going to be interesting, I am going to have to do some very careful explaining. "Well, lately I've been thinking about Brett a lot. And that song just I don't know."  
  
"Oh yeah. You and Brett were pretty close weren't you?" Chris asks  
  
"Yeah very close. There was a time when I hit a rough spot with my family and he and Kevin were pretty much all I had." I say hoping I won't have to explain what the rough spot was.  
  
"Oh, yeah I remember hearing that he died. I was in the WCW at the time but it hit all of us who went to his wrestling school pretty hard. He and Owen were great guys." Chris says.  
  
"Yeah, the best." I say. I don't really know what else to say. "Well we better drop this stuff off in our rooms and get to the arena."  
  
"Yeah I'll see you later. One last thing about this, the last thing for what it's worth I don't think Brett is the type of person that would want people crying over him. He always wanted people to laugh and be happy that's why he was such a practical joker. He wouldn't like it that you are down here feeling bad because of him. He would want you to go on with you life." Chris says. I hope my jaw isn't on the floor but I am too taken aback by what Chris just said to care. Brett good to see you still are the practical joker, sending me all these mixed signals like this. And I have to say you couldn't have picked a more ironic messenger than him to give me that particular message that's for damn sure.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __  
  
Hope you like it, shout out to xtremediva for reviewing on this story. 


	5. do i really want to know

So this is a short one but don't fret I will probably post more tomorrow sometime.  
  
So, not exactly what I was hoping for out of Armageddon but I was happy that Chris wouldn't really fight Trish. He fucking spanked her which when she wouldn't calm down. I was laughing so hard. And tonight was the inevitable turn on Christian. He he I knew that would happen eventually. Anyway I want to know what the fuck is going on with Mick Foley? How could he just leave like that? I have a theory that Stephanie McMahon will come back and he had to step aside so she could come back and fuck with Bishoff and Evolution. I don't know. Another thing I don't know is what is a Mary Sue? I don't get it could someone please explain?  
  
Chris's POV:  
  
Wow, I can hardly believe what happened today. I didn't really know what to do when Shawn started to cry. That was definitely the last thing I eeeeevverr thought I'd see him do. I was worried that he might have thought it was weird that I slid over and put my arms around him. But he was too upset to care probably. All those tears. It was all I could do to not cry myself. It broke my heart to see him like that. I couldn't imagine loosing my best friends. Especially in this business, you travel so much you never see your real family so the others in the WWE become your family. I remember it was a pretty big shock when both Brett and Owen died. With Brett I didn't even know something was wrong with him until he was already gone. I would ask Shawn how he died but it still seems to upset him so much I don't think that it would be such a good idea. I walk into my hotel room and drop my stuff and rip open my bag to make sure that I have all my gear and head out the door again to the arena. Soon it is time for the show to start and Shawn is on first so I head to the gorilla area to watch hoping no one would notice that I really had no reason to be there. No one seemed to. God he looks so hot. I think seeing his vulnerable side made him all that much more attractive. I head back to my locker room before he gets up the ramp so I wouldn't have to explain to him why I was there and I step in the locker room only to have arms thrown around me covering my eyes. "Surprise!" says a voice that can only belong to one person.  
  
"Jessica!" I say and spin around.  
  
"Hi." She says. I take my hand and run it down her cheek until it is under her chin and I tilt it up and press my lips against hers.  
  
"What are you doing here?" I ask  
  
"Well you know I just got done with that big case and I had some time off so I thought I'd come surprise you." Jess said  
  
"I'm surprised." I say kissing her again. "How did you get back here? No one is allowed with out a pass not even the wrestlers."  
  
"Well I was talking to security and Steve saw me and recognized me so he old them to let me back." She said  
  
"Well I'm glad." I say " So how's my baby doing? I put my hand on her stomach and she covers it wither her own.  
  
"Good." She says smiling at me her face falls. This can't be good. The door opens and it's Jay and Jeff.  
  
"Jess! Hey how are you doing? Juniors junior isn't giving you to many problems is it?" Jay ask  
  
"Hi Jay, no we're doing just fine." Jess says giving Jay a hug.  
  
"Hey now." I say. The four of us stand there talking and laughing I almost forget that Jess seemed to want to talk to me about something, key word almost. Soon some one is knocking at the locker room door telling me that I have five minutes. "Jess, did you want to talk to me about something?"  
  
She looks down and stares at her feet for a minute then looks up at me again. "It can wait until after the match." She says. Maybe it's not as big of a deal as I thought if it was she wouldn't' act like it wasn't and she wouldn't let it wait until after my match. Maybe I don't have anything to be worried about after all.  
  
"Ok see you in a few. Love you." I say and lean down and kiss her. I move down to her stomach and kiss that too. "Bye bye baby daddies got to go to work now ok I'll be back soon. I love you." I walk out to my match feeling incredibly happy. I am so in love with that woman. And I'm gonna be a father. Seeing her made it seem all that much more real. I have and incredible match if I do say so myself, and I do. I return to the ciaos which is the locker room all the guys packing or getting ready for matches, people looking for this and that and lot's of loud talking. I see Jess sitting on the couch by herself. "Hey did you see my match?"  
  
"Yeah, of course I did you did great." She say with a forced smile.  
  
"So what did you want to talk about?" I ask  
  
"Not here ok, it's to loud and crowed and." She says  
  
"Nah, don't be stupid it's fine." I say  
  
"Chris, I really would rather not." She says  
  
"Hey! Everyone shut up! Stop what your doing. The mother of my child has something to say to me." I say  
  
She looks absolutely shocked. "Chris  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __  
  
*Laughs evilly* I just had to do it, it was to tempting. Sorry to extremediva who is the one person I know is reading this. Please if you are reading this let me know. 


	6. I was off to drink you away

So bet you thought I forgot about you huh? Not a chance. I am just at home now and it makes it hard to write this story because the computer is in the middle of the family room and I don't really want to be writing this in front of my grandparents who are visiting or my 5 and 6 year old sisters. It would make for a very awkward explanation that I just don't want to give, which basically restricts my writing to when A no one's home or B everyone's asleep plus it's been busy with the holidays and all. And I am working on the beginnings of another story which has been consuming my thoughts because I am trying to write about the Chris/Trish Jay/Lita thing but there are so many stories about that out there now that it's hard to write with out looking like you are stealing someone else's ideas. But happy whatever holiday it is you celebrate to one and all I've rambled long enough. ________________________________________________________________________ Chris's POV  
  
"Chris, Chris it's over." She says  
  
"What's over baby?" I ask totally confused.  
  
"Us Chris, us it has to be." She says  
  
"What are you talking about we're having a child together." I say  
  
"That's exactly it. It's not fair Chris." She says  
  
"Well I would gladly carry it for us but that's not exactly possible." I say still not getting what she was trying to say. "No, I want this child to have a father." She says  
  
"Yeah and it will me." I say  
  
"Yeah when you are around. What kind of a father will you be able to be. When you're on the road pretty much 5 days a week." She asks. " And mean while I am at home raising this kid by myself how is that fair?"  
  
"Well what exactly would you like me to do about that? I ask starting to get angry about where I think this conversation may be going.  
  
"I love you Chris, I really do but that, what you just said, that's exactly why we have to end it. I would never ask you to give up wrestling it's your dream, that wouldn't be right of me. And I love my job too, it's my dream you know that or I would be traveling with you right now. But another dream of mine is to have a family. A family Chris, and I could never do that with you, not the way I want if I'm with you." She says  
  
"But I love you." I say trying to save any last shred of my relationship.  
  
"Sometimes that's just not enough." She says "Chris I'm so sorry. I want you to be there for our child as much as you can I won't keep you from it." She says and goes to give me a hug and I step back  
  
"Don't touch me you stupid bitch. Your damn right you won't keep me from my child in fact I'd like to see you try. As for sorry you can take sorry and shove it up your ass!" I yell. So I didn't react the best. But I love her I would have been with her forever if she would've had me. Not to mention I am absolutely humiliated because I just got dumped in front of a room full of people, not that that particular part wasn't my own fault anyway. GOD DAMNIT! I can't breath. I need to get out of here now.  
  
"Chris." Jay says  
  
"Don't Jay, just don't." I say and I close my eyes for a second and I push passed anyone who is between me and the door. I some how get to a side door and go out and sit out on the steps. I can't do anything but just sit there. I can't even bring myself to cry. I don't know how long I had been sitting there when I hear the door open behind me and I don't even bother to look to see who it is but I feel them sit down next to me. I look over to see the last person I expected to see.  
  
"I heard what happened. How are you holding up?" Shawn asks  
  
"I can't, I can't believe that just happened." I manage to say as I continue to stare off into space."  
  
"I'm really sorry Chris." Shawn says. He puts his hand on my leg and taps it lightly.  
  
"Thanks man." I say. I look away from him and for the first time I feel the tears start coming. I put my chin to my shoulder and play with my ponytail to try to avoid crying in front of him. After a while I can't hold them back anymore. "God damn it!"  
  
"Hey it's alright Chris everything is going to be ok." Shawn says  
  
I look up at him with tears in my eyes. "I was gonna ask her to marry me Shawn. And not just because of the baby. I love her so much. I can't believe she would do this." I say and lean over and put my elbows on my knees. And run my hands over my hair. I could feel my heart breaking into a million pieces as if what just happened was hitting me for the first time. All the tears I hadn't shed yet came spilling down my cheeks as if a giant dam had burst inside me. I feel Shawn slide over closer to me and put his arm over my shoulders. I look up at him momentarily before burring my head in his chest. His arms wrap around me and his hands rub up and down my back.  
  
Shawn's POV:  
  
I don't even know how long we sat there, him in my arms his head against my chest crying. It kills me to see him like this, so sad, vulnerable and weak, tears come to my eyes as I look down at him. It is so unlike him, but I guess my little display earlier was unlike me too. I don't want to make him move if he's not ready. He doesn't seem to mind letting me comfort him, but I'm sure in this state he's in right now he wouldn't care who's arms he was in. Although it does feel good to have him in my arms, damn good so I could delude myself into thinking he is clinging to me because he wants to be close to me but I won't. Good at least he's stopped crying. He looks up. "I need to get out of here. I just want to forget this whole thing ever happened." He says.  
  
"Well," I say and I could hardly believe I was going to say this. "Hunter, Stephanie, Kevin and his wife Anne are going out to this piano bar you could come with us if you wanted."  
  
"I was supposed to do something with Jay and Jeff but I guess we could all go together." Chris says  
  
"Ok cool well let's go find them." I say. I stand up and offer my hand to Chris to help him up I smile at him and he manages a weak smile back. "Come on." I turn to head through the door and I feel Chris grab my arm.  
  
"Thanks for being there." He says  
  
"Hey it's no big deal." I say. This feels really weird I could swear he wants me to hug him or something. Should I? I mean, the last time he hugged me it was like a jolt of electricity went through me I guess that's why I reacted the way I did to it, because it honestly scared the hell out of me. I felt really bad that he cried. It was probably because he really did want to beat me and he was actually supposed to until about five minutes before the match. I was looking down these last few seconds then I look up at him again and against my better judgment I pull him into a hug. I can feel his surprise at my action, then gratitude. Hell after what he's been through I'm sure he could use a hug. Oh god I just hugged him what the hell was I doing? I hope he doesn't think by me asking him to come out with all of us that I, oh god! Chris walks passed me inside and I follow him. He walks in and goes back to the dressing room probably to find jay and Jeff. I follow him in to find Hunter, Stephanie, Kevin, Ann, Jay and Jeff all staring at us. We must have been out there longer than I though. I look down at my watch, which reads 12:15. Shit! We had been sitting out there for over two hours. I was going to have a long of explaining to do especially with the look on Kevin and Hunters faces.  
  
"So um, where were you guys?" Hunter says with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"Yeah we almost left with out you." Kevin says.  
  
"Oh well I went outside after, after everything and Shawn came outside too and he ended up getting the pleasure of listening to me vent." Chris says. Looks like he's not any more eager for anyone to know what happened out there than I am. "They are going to a piano bar, can we go with them I need a drink?"  
  
"I'm not that thrilled with having to deal with drunkicho (this is the alter ego name given to drunk Chris by Edge in one of his columns) tonight but yeah we can go." Jay says "I guess we'll follow you guys." We all walk out the doors and head to our cars  
  
"Guess we'll uh, see you when we get there." I say to Chris putting my hand on his arm.  
  
"Yeah." Chris says and smiles at me. God I would do anything to see him smile. What? Where did that come from? I've got to stop this. I can't be falling for him. I just can't. God he was just sobbing on your shoulder over a GIRL he wanted to MARRY who just broke his heart. No! I won't do this I cannot.  
  
"So, what were you guys doing? You were gone fro a long time." Kevin asks trying not to laugh.  
  
"Chris told you." I say quickly.  
  
"Him going outside is understandable. But you just happened to go out where he was?" Hunter asks and I can tell he has that stupid ass smirk on his face.  
  
"Please don't ask ok? I can't handle all this right now." I say putting my elbows on my legs leaning forward and running my hands over my pulled back hair and leaving them there.  
  
"You really like him don't you?" asks Kevin.  
  
"I can't, I couldn't I won't let myself for so many reasons." I say. "Do you guys have any idea what happened on the ride here with them? Of course you don't. We were listening to this CD and there was this song on it about people who had died and I lost it. I stared crying and after I stopped they asked me about it and I had to have them stop the car and get out and throw up. I threw up! I am not ready for this to be happening no, no, no." I say shaking my head. We finally reach the bar and all head inside. We sit down and the waitress comes over and takes our drink orders. A few minutes later she comes back with them and Chris takes his downs it and orders another. This is going to be an interesting night. I end up stopping before everyone else because it's not hitting my stomach all that well because of my escapades the night before. But it is funny to watch everybody scream the words to a Bon Jovi melody that they are playing. The next song that plays is Taking Care of Business. I watch as people get up and walk to an open space in the bar and they start doing this dance where they roll on the floor shaking their legs and slap the floor then there legs and jump up and clap then start over again. And when they move enough the two people on the end run through the middle and end up at the other end. Before I know it I am being dragged over by them and I am doing it too. I roll into Chris who is on his back shaking his legs in the air continuously doing only that one part of this crazy dance. Kevin rolls into me and Jeff and Hunter in to him then we are all in one big pile laughing.  
  
"I need someone to help me for this one." One of the guys at one of the pianos says. Steph. and Ann wave their hands and the piano player points to Stephanie and she slowly makes her way to the stage. She trips as she tries to get on the stage and sits down next to him and he hands her a harmonica and he tells her something. She holds it up to his mouth and I hear the familiar sound of the first notes of the song Piano Man. He gets to the next part where he was supposed to play the harmonica and Stephanie is drunkenly swaying to the music and forgets she is supposed to hold up the harmonica and he is blowing in the air trying to get her attention and after a few seconds she realized and holds it up, but does it a little too quickly and it hits him in the mouth. We all start laughing.  
  
"Oh my god." Jay says  
  
"This is hysterical." Jeff says. Stephanie comes back laughing and puts her head on the table. I see Hunter puts his hand on her shoulder and she looks over at him and he leans down and kisses her. Kevin has his arm around Ann who is snuggling into him. Jay and Jeff are holding hands. I am here with all couples. Well that is except Chris and I. What the hell? Why is everyone yelling you bitch you slut you whore?  
  
"What the hell?" I ask  
  
"It's Lucile." Says Ann  
  
I look over at Chris who is apparently listening intently to the lyrics to the song, well as intently as he can after five drinks and four shots. "You picked a fine time to leave me Jessica you Bitch You Slut You Whore!" he shouts waving his drink spilling it everywhere.  
  
"Oh shit." says Jay.  
  
"I think he's had enough." I say  
  
"Um, yeah." says Jeff  
  
"Come on let's get him out of here." Jay says  
  
"I can do it if you want. None of you guys get to see each other much. Have fun." I say. I get up and grab Chris's arm to help him up. "Come on let's go."  
  
"Whhherre we goin? I ill not be pawed at thhank you very much." Chris slurs as he stumbles into the table next to us spilling the drinks that were sitting on it. "Opps, hahahaha." he almost falls to the floor despite my efforts holding him up.  
  
"I'm really sorry. He's really drunk. I'm taking him home. Here," I say reaching into my pocket and hand them some money. "Let me pay for that."  
  
"Oh my god you're actually talking to us!" The girl says  
  
"Yeah we saw you over there but we didn't want to go bother you for an autograph." A second girl says.  
  
"Why don't you give me something to sign." I say and they hand me their napkins and I gladly sign them. "I would make him sign it to but he is incapable of well, almost anything right now but head over there and they will sign autographs for you."  
  
"Shawn, take me home, ssssshhh I thin I'm drunk." Chris slurs.  
  
"I'm on drunk watch tonight so if you ladies will excuse me." I say and help Chris outside and call a cab to take us back to the hotel. By this point Chris is leaning over on my shoulder practically passed out. I somehow manage to get him out of the car and get his darm over my shoulder and I put my arm around his waist holding him up. Oh shit. I don't know where Chris's room is. So against my better judgment I am unlocking the door to my room and helping Chris get in to my bed. And again if it is left up to me I will not do the right thing so I change in to some sweats and crawl in to the other side. Hey it's my room there is no way I'm sleeping on the floor. Especially after sleeping in a char last night. And Chris will be bad enough in the morning with out having slept on the floor. All right Michaels you know damn well why you put him in your bed and why you got in it too. I've got to stop this. ________________________________________________________________________  
  
I have realized since writing this after reading unscripted that this particular scene would never actually happen because Shawn hasn't drank in years and Hunter doesn't drink, at all. But this is in fact a typical night at the bar my friends and I like best which happens to be a piano bar. I have actually sat with the piano player and held the harmonica for piano man and forgot to hold it back up. The dance talked about in the chapter is apparently called the alligator and I don't know if anyone but people I know actually do it and again I have done that in the middle of the bar. Anyway I hope you like it I will try to transfer more from my notebook to my computer tomorrow night. 


	7. How I love the morning after

Chris: POV  
  
I open my eyes and I immediately snap them back shut and groan. To bright incredibly to bright. I curl into a ball and manage to hide under the covers and open my eyes. I can't move. I must still be drunk. Oh! I can't move because someone's arms are wrapped around me. OH MY GOD! What the hell did I do last night? OH FUCK! Jess is going to kill me! Wait no she's not that's the reason I'm here, wherever here is. Oh man I'm lying on this persons chest, which I am fairly certain belongs to a guy making this situation so much worse. I open my eyes again and look around my little self made tent. I look at the arms around me and see and all to familiar set of tattoos. What the hell? I uncover myself and look up and see a sleeping HBK. And my movement makes him stir a little. "Shawn?"  
  
"Chris it's early go back to sleep." Shawn whines He rubs his hand up and down my arm lightly making me shiver. I watch as his eyes snap open and looking down at me, he must have just realized what he just did. "Sorry I was half asleep and..."  
  
"Don't worry about it people do a log of crazy things in there sleep." I say hesitantly "How did I end up here?"  
  
"Well you were really drunk and I, um. helped you back here but I don't know what room was yours so I brought you to my room and you sort of passed out on the bed." He says. God why does he have to sound so sexy? And he is entirely to close to me right now I am almost contemplating doing something incredibly stupid.  
  
"Hey." Says Stephanie.  
  
Hunter yawns "Morning Shawn, Chris." he says. It just now hits me that Shawn hasn't let go of me and I am still very much curled up to him. "Sleep good?" Oh god I want to die. There has got to be a hole to crawl into somewhere around here. Oh man my leg is over Shawn's meaning I am laying extremely close to him, so close that he could probably feel...OK! I roll way with such force that I practically end up on my face on the floor. I get up on my feet and grab my shoes  
  
"I, uh, think I'm just going to go now" Is all I can manage to say. I practically run out the door. "Can someone just kill me now." I say to no one in particular, sigh and walk back to my room. I walk in and flop down on the bed. God my head hurts so bad. I start to rub my temples with my hands. I don't exactly know what is making it hurt worse, the fact that the woman I love left me yesterday, the situation with Shawn this morning or of course my massive hang over. Son of a bitch! Alls I need to do now is loose my job and that would make this situation totally complete, or at any rate a really good country song they are always about that shit. I don't know many people who could loose the woman they love and the man they have a crush on all in one night. And I know I did. I was pretty harsh on Jessica so I doubt she'll let me talk to her for a while and after the way I woke up this morning Shawn probably won't ever want to be around me again either. I've really messed everything up. Three years of my life with her gone, just like that. And I've been a wrestler the whole time, if it bothered her that much why did she stay with me like that? I miss her already. God why did she do this? And our poor child, having to grow up in a broken home, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Could I feel more sorry for myself? Oh great someone's here. Maybe it's the grim reaper. I cover my head with a pillow. "Go away!"  
  
"Chris honey, I know you're in there, open the door." Jessica says. Somehow I think I would have been better off if it had been the grim reaper. To say that I was surprised was an understatement. I reluctantly get up and go to the door and against my better judgment I open it.  
  
"What do you want?" I ask  
  
"Hi," she says softly "You look like hell."  
  
"Yeah well I had just a little bit of a bad day yesterday." I say unable to muffle my sarcasm  
  
"Oh yeah." She says. I can tell I'm making her sorry she came over to see me. "Well I just came to check on you to see how you were doing."  
  
"How I'm doing? How I'm doing how do you think I'm doing. How did you think I'd be doing? You broke my heart Jessica did you think I'd like what scotch tape it back together and be fine the next day?" I snap. I can't for the life of me figure out why I am yelling at her.  
  
"Oh Chris I never meant to hurt you." She says  
  
"Yeah well it's a little late for that." I say. I can tell she doesn't even know what to say to that. Every voice in my head is telling me to apologize for everything. To make her see we can work it out I know we can. Tell her how wrong I've been handing all of this.  
  
"I, uh, guess I should be going." She says. I can tell now that this is as hard on her as it is on me. She turns to leave. I should stop her, say something anything but my power of speech has temporarily left me. Why won't my legs run after her? How can I just let her leave like this? GOD DAMNIT! I look at her one last time as she gets on the elevator. I stand there for a minute before stepping back in my room and slamming the door in frustration. I pace back and forth wearing a path in the carpet across the room. I stop by my alarm clock and flip on the radio.  
  
Yesterday all my troubles seem so far away,  
  
I quickly turn the dial to change the station.  
  
So take a look at me now oh there's just an empty space there's nothing left here to remind me just the memory of your face, oh take a look at me now, there's just and empty space, and you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face. I wish I could just make you turn around turn around and see me cry,  
  
What is going on? I grab the dial and change the station again.  
  
I guess we said everything with goodbye. Time moves so slow and promises get broken, On this cold day in July. Suns coming up coming up down on Main Street. Children shout as they're coming out to play, head in my hands here I am standing in my bare feet, watching you drive away. You said that we were gonna last forever. You said our love would never die,  
  
Jesus fucking Christ what are the radio stations trying to do to me anyway!  
  
Good bye to you good bye to everything that I knew. You are the one I loved,  
  
Oh hell no! Hell fucking no! I grab the radio and rip it away from the wall and throw it across the room and watch it break against the wall. How could Jeff possibly think that music helps at a time like this? Mental note kill Jeff later. Fuck this. If I stay here all day I will probably destroy the place. I change my closets and throw some others into a gym bag and head out the door and catch a cab to the arena. I walk into the training room, good it's empty. I walk over to the treadmill, perfect. I step on to it and push start and steadily increase the speed and begin to run, out run the pain, anguish and humiliation of last night and this morning. I don't even notice some one walk in the room and come stand next to me.  
  
"Chris?" Stephanie says  
  
"Oh Jesus Christ! You scared the shit out of me! I say and turn of the machine.  
  
"Sorry." She says  
  
"What were you trying to do give me a damn hear attack?" I ask  
  
"Really I'm sorry but the way you were running if anyone was going to give you heart attack it would have been your own self by the way you were running." She said "Look, um, there was something I wanted to talk to you about if you have a minute."  
  
"Um, sure." I say. Shit I hope this isn't about this morning.  
  
"Well, my father is planning an over seas tour in Australia, I thought maybe after last night, I thought you might want to go." She said  
  
"Yeah sure I guess." I said. I hate overseas trips they are always so packed with signings and shows and other appearances they always kick your ass.  
  
"We'll be there for a week so we actually will have some time to relax." She said  
  
Wow, wonder how she managed that one. "Sweet, well what would an over seas trip be with out the king of bling bling?" I say  
  
"Cool." She said "We'll be leaving at 8:00 tomorrow morning from Chicago." Stephanie said  
  
"Thanks for doing this Stephy. I know it must have taken some massive string pulling." I say  
  
"It's no problem." She says  
  
"It's good to see you using your powers for good instead of evil." I say  
  
"Very funny Jerky." She says  
  
"Well I'll see you tomorrow, I'm gonna go back to my hotel and pack and stuff." I say  
  
I head back to my hotel and get my stuff in my bags and I hear a knock at the door. "Oh hey guys." I say  
  
"Hey." Jay says  
  
"How are you doing?" Jeff asks  
  
"I'm ok. Better now that I'm going with you to Australia." I say  
  
"You are? That's awesome!" Jay says  
  
"I'm catching a plane there tomorrow night." Jeff says.  
  
"Awww your first vacation together." I say then duck as Jay throws a pillow at me. We were just going to go to see a movie before we headed to Chicago. You wanna come with us?" Jeff asks  
  
"Yeah we are going to see the ring. It's supposed to be really scary." Jay says.  
  
"I've haven't scene a movie in the theater in a long time. I guess so. And I'm already packed and everything anyway." I say  
  
"Cool, let's go the movie starts in a half hour." Jeff says.  
  
We head to the elevator and it stops on the floor below us and in walks Shawn. "Oh, hey." Shawn says  
  
"Hey." I say, maybe it's the shirt he's wearing, or remembering the feel of his arms around me this morning but I can't make my eyes leave him.  
  
"Hey Shawn, Shawn?" Jeff says  
  
"Oh," Shawn looks around the elevator and says "hi guys. So what are you three up to?"  
  
"We were going to go see The Ring before we had out. What about you?" I ask  
  
"I was just headed out to get some dinner." Shawn says  
  
"Well um, you could, uh, come with us if you want." Jeff says I am so going to kill Jeff right now. I can feel every muscle in my body tense up and my eyes are probably bugging out of my head and I am shaking my head slightly hoping Shawn won't see. "Or um, I'm sure you have other plans." I say  
  
"Oh, well no, not really, I mean I guess I could go if you want me to." Shawn says  
  
"Alright cool." Jay says "I promise not to play Josh Groben this time."  
  
"Funny Jay, really funny." Shawn says. Much to my dismay we continue down in the elevator and through the lobby out to the car and we get in, and I, of course get stuck in the back with Shawn. I try to keep looking out the window. After what seems like forever we get to the theater we walking in and no one recognized us luckily. We go in and sit down and Jay and Jeff sit between Shawn and I. God this sucks so bad. The movie starts and I can see Shawn jump and cling to Jay sometimes. Why the hell does he have to do that? I sit with my arms crossed and a scowl on my face. "What the hell is wrong with this little girl any way Jesus Christ." Shawn buries his head in Jays shoulder. Why do I get the sudden urge to break Jays arm off? God this is recockulas. I sigh and continue to watch the movie and I am glad it is soon over. I stand up and start to head out and I feel someone grab my hand. I figure it's Jay or Jeff making sure we don't loose each other so I don't bother to look to see who it is as I fight through the people. We get outside and I finally look back and look down at my hand, which is still being held, held, by Shawn. I don't understand why he would, I mean, I look up at him and he looks as surprised as I am and quickly let's go. I can hear Jay and Jeff talking as we walk to the car and as we drive back to the hotel. I have lost my ability to speak, one little touch from him and, god I can completely forget about Jess and well hell everything. I just wish he felt the same way. I stare out the window again, not being able to bring myself to look at Shawn.  
  
"I see you two in a few minutes." I say as I jump out of the car as soon as it stops and practically run in to the hotel trying to get away. I come back down to the car about 10 minutes later with my bags and see Jay, Jeff and Shawn waiting for me. Oh hell, what is he doing here? Don't tell me he has to ride with us again. I don't think I could be in the car with him for another three hours or so.  
  
Shawn laughs lightly "Hunter, Steph and Kevin left without me so I'm gonna ride with ya'll again." Shawn says  
  
"Oh, alright I guess." I say. Great, just great. Jay tosses me the keys.  
  
"I drove last time, it's your turn." Jay says "Come on babe we'll let them sit in the front. "We get in the car and Shawn stares out the window. I sigh and start to drive. I hear Jay and Jeff whispering to each other every once in a while I think I can hear them kiss. It soon becomes quiet and I look over my shoulder and they are curled up together. They look so happy. Will I ever get to feel like that? So in love. I can almost feel tears coming to my eyes.  
  
"They look really happy don't they?" Shawn says  
  
It had been quiet besides the radio and his voice almost startled me. "Huh? Oh yeah they do." I say. Gees Shawn since when did you become a mind reader. Kind of odd that you were just thinking about exactly what I was.  
  
"I hate to admit that I'm almost jealous." Shawn says.  
  
If I thought what he said before was weird this really took me for a loop. "You know, I think it's really cool that you can be ok with them. I grew up with him but you, I mean you just accepted them right away." I say  
  
"Well you can't help who you fall in love with Chris." He says. Wow not many straight guys hold that opinion, unless, nah, Chris stop dreaming. Maybe I should tell him. It sounds like he would understand. "I'm glad we're talking again." I can't believe he noticed. Then he flashes me that smile that makes me want to melt.  
  
"Me too." I say and smile back.  
  
"Look, um, about this morning." Shawn says and I instantly get nervous "I don't want it to make things weird let's just chalk it up to an accident and forget about it. I mean it was an accident right?"  
  
Hum, very interesting question Shawn very interesting indeed. "Um yeah sure, I mean of course it was." I say. Well I definitely can't tell him now. He would never by it as an accident if I tell him now. I can't tell him. Why does he look so sad? I mean it was an accident right? Well why wouldn't it have been? We talk and laugh quietly for a while it's actually really nice. I really like being around him. Shawn yawns.  
  
"You can sleep for a while if you want." I say  
  
"Are you sure?" Shawn asks  
  
"Yeah I'll be fine." I say "Ok." Shawn says. He slides himself over and puts his coat in a bunch and lays his head on the center consol. After a few minutes my hand gets a mind of it's own and reaches over and starts to run softly over Shawn's hair. I look at him smiling softly and he sighs. OH SHIT! He's awake! I expect him to yell or scream at me or something but he doesn't he just stays there and let's me continue to play with his hair. We finally arrive in Chicago.  
  
"Guys wake up. We're here." I say. Shawn sits up and stretches. I hear groaning and mumbling from the back seat telling me Jay and Jeff are also awake. We get out of the car and grab our bags and head into the hotel. Jay and Jeff get the key to their room first. "See you guys in the morning."  
  
"Uuuummm." Jay says  
  
Jeff yawns "Night Chris."  
  
Shawn and I get keys to our rooms next. "Well night Shawn." I say  
  
"Good night Chris." Shawn says and I turn to walk away and he grabs my arm and I turn to face him again. "Thanks for the ride."  
  
"Oh, no problem man." I say. He let's his hand trail down my arm to my hand and squeezes it. I have to hold back a shudder at the contact.  
  
"Well, uh, see ya." Shawn says and takes off in the direction of his room. I stand there for a minute then shake my head in the direction of my own room. I get out of my clothes and climb into bed. My mind travels again back to this morning and waking up next to Shawn. Despite the hangover it felt nice. I could wake up in those arms every morning. But that's never going to happen. 


	8. I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane

So I'm back again! Finally. I've been working on typing the parts of this story that are in a notebook so I can update more frequently. I am still working on my Chris/Trish and Jay/Lita thing now I just have to type some of it for some reason I am having trouble getting my ideas from my head on to paper so stay tuned. I am also plotting a special one shot fic just for extremediva just because she is pretty much the only one who has reviewed this story for me. And special note to all those who are also reading Prayer by Mavesdarkphoenix she is coming to visit me on Wednesday and I will tie her down to a chair at my computer until she posts a chapter!  
  
Shawn's POV:  
  
I walk in to my hotel room sigh and drop my stuff and make my way to the bed and lay down on it. Man it has certainly been an interesting day to say the least. Full of close calls. When I was in the car and Chris was playing with my hair I almost moaned it felt so good. I almost told him everything in the car after seeing Jay and Jeff. I remember being like that. I miss being in love so much. I miss him a lot. I feel very empty laying here in my bed alone. It was really nice waking up with Chris this morning. But that was just a fluke thing I'm sure. It's not like he really wanted to be sleeping with me. I'm glad I'll have a week away from him in Australia. I'm gonna have to use that time to get him out of my head. I am woken up by my alarm going off at full volume. I look at the clock. Shit! I slept through it for a half hour. I get up and take the worlds fastest shower and grab my bags and head to the airport and run to the terminal and get on the plane just as they are announcing last call to board the plane. I walk through the plane trying to find my seat. I spot Steph, Hunter, Kevin and some others from the Smackdown roster. I get to the isle my seat is in and, aww hell. "Oh hi Shawn." Chris says. What is he doing here?  
  
"I didn't know you were coming." I say.  
  
"Well I wasn't until yesterday I am a last minute add on." He says  
  
"Oh, excuse me for a minute." I say and head over to Stephanie. "What the hell is he doing here?"  
  
"I thought he could use a little vacation after what happened to him. Why is there some problem?" She asks trying to hide a smile.  
  
"Uh, no, no problem, I just, um, think he would be coming that's all." I say. Oh yeah real smooth there Shawn. I walk in a fluster back to my seat and sit down. This is just great. This is not what I need right now.  
  
"So what are your seats for the next plane out of L.A.?" Chris asks  
  
"Oh, um, 5C." I say  
  
"Hum, I'm 5A, looks like we're sitting next to each other all the way to Australia." Chris says.  
  
"Great." I say. Yeah great is right. So much for getting him out of my head. That's going to be a little tough when HE'S RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO ME. Soon the plane takes off and they announce we are going to have an in flight movie. Good, I love when they show in flight movies it makes the time go by so much faster. Monsters INC. I hate to admit I actually like that movie. I took my niece Riley to see it with my sister when it was in the theater. She became obsessed with the little girl Boo.  
  
"You know I hate to admit it but I actually like this movie. I saw it in the movie theater with my nephews. I'm probably going to buy a head set." Chris says  
  
I laugh "You know so was I. My niece is obsessed with the little girl Boo. Every time I go to visit lately she makes me watch it. Cam calls it Monsters. I thought he would be scared of it but he's not."  
  
"Put the at thing back where it came from or so help me so help me and cut. That's one of my favorite parts" Chris says singing a little.  
  
"Yeah mine too." I say laughing  
  
"Would you gentlemen like a headset?" The stewardess says.  
  
"Yeah 2 please." I say with out even really thinking about it and hand her the money and I in turn hand one of the headsets to Chris. He looks at me like I'm crazy. "What?" He just shrugs and laughs slightly and puts on the headset. I do the same and soon we are in L.A. We leave the plane and board the next one and I take my seat next to Chris.  
  
"Ready for the massively long flight ass clown?" Chris says. "Ready as I'll ever be Junior." I say  
  
"I am pretty excited. I hope we have time to go out on the Great Barrier Reef. I have heard it's amazing." Chris says.  
  
"Well, uh, I should think so, I mean isn't it one of the seven wonders of the world?" I ask  
  
"Oh yeah, I guess so." Chris says laughing. He reaches under his seat and pulls out a bag pack and grabs out two magazines and a pair of glasses and holds one of them out to me. "Magazine?"  
  
"Sure." I say and take the Rolling Stone from him. After looking through it we trade and I look through People. This passes about an hour of a god knows how long of a flight. We hear the captain tell us that they are going to start showing Grease. Oh man that takes me back. I have to get the headset this time.  
  
"Man I haven't scene that movie in a while." Chris says "You bought the headsets last time so here." He hands me some money. "I'll be right back." He goes to get up and the plane starts to shake hitting some turbulence and it causes him to loose his balance and fall back in to my lap. I instinctively wrap my arms around his waist so he doesn't fall to the floor. Our faces are now inches apart. Oh boy.  
  
"Are you ok? I ask. He is silent for a few seconds. I hope he says something soon because I really want to kiss him right now despite how incredibly stupid that would be. Where did that urge come from anyway?  
  
"Um, yeah I'm fine." Chris says. I sit there staring into his eyes, "Shawn? You can let go of me now."  
  
"Oh yeah right. Sorry." I say. I probably blew it right there. I am such an idiot. How could I let myself get caught up in something like that mentally slapping myself. Chris wedges by me and sits down in his seat. Oh here it comes.  
  
"So did they bring around the headsets yet?" he asks. How can he act like that didn't just happen? Wait that's a good thing.  
  
"Nope but I see her coming now." I say. The lady comes and gives us headsets and we watch the movie. Soon it is over and they are showing episodes of a TV show called Sports Night. It's pretty funny but I can feel my eyes getting heavy. I hear yelling in my ear from the head set and it wakes me up. I look over and Chris is sitting with his head resting on my shoulder asleep. He looks so peaceful. When I look at him I can't help but smile. A stewardess walks by. "Excuse me ma'am? Could you get me a blanket I would get myself but someone has taken over my arm." I say.  
  
"Oh sure." She says and opens up the overhead compartment and hands me a blanket and I throw it over Chris and I "Thanks." I say  
  
"No problem. You know, I have to admit I'm almost jealous." She says  
  
"What?" I ask.  
  
"Well I just wish my boyfriend and I were like that, I mean I saw him sitting on you lap earlier, the way you just covered him up like that the two of you up and him sleeping on you shoulder like that. It's really sweet. And you don't have to worry I know who you are and I won't say anything she says.  
  
My jaw feels like it's going to hit the floor. Heart you can start beating again any time. How could she possibly think that, then my eyes drift down to Chris who is, I guess I would call it snuggled up to me laying on my shoulder, ok maybe I can see how she might get the idea that we were together. And if she saw him on my lap when he tripped then, oh god, I need to clear this up right now, "Um, thanks." I say. She laughs lightly and walks away. WHAT! NO! You idiot! What the fuck are you saying? What if she says something to Chris! Oh shit I am so dead, dead! How could I do something like that? I meant to say something to straighten it out! How could this be happening? "I hope you never find out about this." God he looks so peaceful. Before I can stop myself I am leaning down and kissing his forehead. "Sleep well Chris." I lay my head down on his and close my eyes. Well, if I'm gonna make a mistake I might as well make it a big one. I am woken up by someone from my sleeping state who I think is Hunter.  
  
"Hey guys we're here." He says  
  
"I come from a land down under." Kevin sings and starts to laugh. I feel Chris pull his head off my shoulder. Crap. They saw us like that. Great, just great, this is just what I need. I will never live this down. I pull the blanket off of us and stand up and quickly exit the plane. This trip is going to be just GREAT. ________________________________________________________________________  
  
Chris's POV:  
  
Why is this happening, again? How could I have ended up sleeping on his shoulder? Damn it! But I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that the stewardess on the plane was telling Shawn we looked cute together and he told her thanks then he kissed me. God this is getting recockulas. I stand up and grab my things and head out of the plane with Jay. "Chris what's going on with you and Shawn?" Jay asks  
  
"What? Nothing!" I say probably a little too quickly for my own good but I don't care. I want to stay as far away from that line of questioning as possible. I can't hide anything from Jay but Jeff knowing was bad enough.  
  
"Then why were you," Jay tries to ask but I cut him off.  
  
"Would you just drop it please?" I ask  
  
"Alright sorry." Jay says. Oh yeah that was real subtle Chris.  
  
"I mean come on I just broke up with Jess. I say.  
  
"Yeah, I know, I'm sorry I don't know what I was thinking." Jay says. We all head to get our luggage and grab cabs to the hotel. I make sure that Jay is sitting between Shawn and I. I look over at him, god he looks miserable. I shouldn't have come on this trip. This sucks. Ah you think too much of yourself Irvine, why would you being her have any affect on Shawn what so ever? This sucks. We get to the hotel and walk in to get our keys.  
  
"Reservation for Chris." I say  
  
"Ok, let me check," The desk clerk says and types something in to a computer. "I'm sorry I don't seem to have a reservation under that name."  
  
"What? Could you check again please?" I say  
  
"Alright." she says. "I'm sorry could it be under a different name?"  
  
"No, but I'd like a room for a week please." I say  
  
"Sorry were booked solid, the international surfing championships are going on." She says.  
  
"STEPHANIE! These ass clowns lost my hotel reservations!" I say  
  
"Really? Let me talk to the manager." she says  
  
"Ok." Says the girl and walks away and comes back with a guy who looks like the eighth dwarf dorky, who I can only assume to be the manager.  
  
"I am Justin the manager can I help you?" He says  
  
"Yeah, you can give me a room right now damn it." I snap  
  
"Chris, let me handle this. I made his reservations myself, we want a room for him now please because you somehow messed up." Stephanie says.  
  
"First of all let me apologize for the mix up. I don't know how this could have happened but we are totally booked right now there is nothing I can do. I can let you know if there is a cancellation. That's the best I can do."  
  
"Well now what?" I ask no one in particular. Man this trip just keeps getting better and better.  
  
"Well Glen and Rob are already sharing a room and if I'm not mistaken Rob's wife is coming over too and Hunter and I have a single room too, and Kevin's wife is coming too." Steph says.  
  
"Chris you know you could come crash with me but Jeff is coming on the same flight as Ann and Sonya so I don't know if you would want," Jay says  
  
"No thank you, I would rather not bare witness to you and Jeff's antics thank you very much." I say, "This is just great. Thanks for the vacation Stephy sure am glad I flew all this way for nothing."  
  
"You could crash in my room, I mean, and hope for a cancellation." Shawn says.  
  
"Are you sure?" I ask not really sure if I want him to say yes or no.  
  
"Well, I guess, I mean you can't go home your scheduled for events here people are expecting you." Shawn says  
  
"Alright." I say defeated. Oh boy, why do I have the feeling nothing good can come of this? ________________________________________________________________________ 


	9. Only In Dreams

I decided to be nice and post another one, so here we go again. it's a short one but it was really the only way to cut this one off.  
  
Shawn's POV:  
  
That was probably the stupidest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I do not need to be sharing a room with him for possibly the whole week. Why did I even offer? I don't want to be doing this. Yet here I am asking for another key to my room and handing it to Chris. And I walk off in the direction of my room and Chris follows me. This is going to be an interesting week. We walk in and I put down my bags. I sigh as Chris does the same. We stand there in silence for a few minutes just staring at the bed, the one bed, before I break the silence and ask the inevitable question. "So how do you want to do this?" I ask  
  
"Well, it's your room and with your back I'm not going to let you sleep on the floor." He says.  
  
"Well I'm not going to make you sleep on the floor either." I say. The words leave my mouth before I can stop them so needless to say I can't believe I just said that. "It would mess up your back just as much as it would mine."  
  
"So what your saying is we'll be sharing the bed." Chris says. Gee could he sound more uncomfortable?  
  
"Yeah I guess that's what we just decided." I say as my cell phone rings. Good saved by the bell, so to speak. "Hello?"  
  
"Hey, it's me." Said Hunter  
  
"Oh hey." I say  
  
"Stephanie and I were gonna go grab some dinner or lunch or what ever it is we're supposed to be eating right now, with the time difference I have no idea what time it is. You and Chris want to come?"  
  
"What time it is, hell I don't even know what day it is. But yeah I'm hungry, so I know I want to, hold on let me ask Chris." I say and hold my hand over the receiver of the phone. "Hunter and Steph are going to get food, I'm going to too, you wanna come with us?"  
  
"Sure I'm pretty hungry." Chris says  
  
"Ok." I say "Hunter? Chris is going to go too."  
  
"Cool, why don't we meet in the lobby in ten minutes." he says.  
  
"Ok, see ya then." I say and hang up. "Why don't you invite Jay so him and Kevin can leave from there to go pick up Jeff and Ann."  
  
"Sure." Chris says and takes out his phone to call Jay. "Yeah he'll come he's hungry." Thank good dinner was rather uneventful except for the fact that Hunter, Stephanie, Kevin and even Jay kept staring between Chris and I. It was a little embarrassing. I will be glad to get back to my room and get in bed and try to forget everything that has happened today and pray for this trip that I was actually looking forward to get over quick. I unlock the door again with Chris walking in behind me we stop to stare at the menacing bed. Chris walks by me and takes off his shoes and plops down on the bed. "Mind if I sleep on this side of the bed?"  
  
"No I always sleep on the other side anyway." I say truthfully. I take off my own shoes and sit on the other side of the bed up by the pillows and grab the remote to the TV. I start to flip through the channels until I find Tombstone one of my favorites.  
  
"Oh Tombstone! I love this movie. Val Kilmer is hysterical in it." Chris says and I take that as my cue to stop, not like I wasn't going to anyway.  
  
"Yeah it's a great movie." I say. I get up and grab a pair of sweatpants and go into the bathroom and put them on and come back out and lay back down on the bed. Chris gets up and gets some clothes and goes in the bathroom and comes back out in a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt. We sit down and watch the movie and occasionally crack a joke or quote the movie and laugh soon the movie is over and I am half asleep probably due to jet lag considering it's only about 9. From the look of it so is Chris. We have a singing tomorrow at 11 so I better set the alarm just incase. "What time should we get up?"  
  
"I don't know 9 or 9:30 I guess so we can eat breakfast." He mumbles sleepily.  
  
"Alright." I say "Night."  
  
"Night." Chris says. He sits up and pulls of his t-shirt. My breath catches as I watch the muscles under the skin of his back and shoulders move as he does this. Pull it together. You are never going to make it through this week. I shake my head and roll on to my side and after a while manage to fall asleep. I am woken up by an incessant and annoying beeping, I reach out with an arm and flail it wildly at the dumb thing until it is finally quiet. Hopefully I managed to hit the snooze button. I roll over and reach out my arm to make sure Chris heard the alarm. "I'm up I'm up he said still groggy from sleep. "Guess I'll shower first today. I'll wake you up when I'm done." he says.  
  
"Um hum." I mumble and roll over and fall back to sleep. Soon I feel Chris sit on the bed and run his hand up and down my arm. "Shawn, I'm done in the bathroom you can go ahead."  
  
"Alright." I say and roll facing toward him and rub my eyes slightly before opening them. I have to blink a few times to make sure I am actually seeing what I think I am. I swallow a few times and it takes a few seconds for me to catch my breath. There sits Chris on my bed hair we with droplets of water running down his chest and arms wearing only a towel.  
  
"Morning." He says making me melt further.  
  
"Morning." I say. Good morning! Chris gets up and goes over to his suitcase and rummages through his clothes. I get up and head into the bathroom and shut the door and lean back against it. This isn't happening, this isn't hap-pen-ing! Get a hold of yourself you don't like him. Shower yeah a shower will help. I get in and turn on the water. And I'm showering and I'm showering, showering in the same shower that Chris was just showering in, probably in a similar spot, with water runner all over his naked body, OH GOD I need to stop doing this. I do not like him! I reach out and turn down the hot water. Yeah, cold shower, definitely need a cold shower.  
  
Chris's POV:  
  
It was nice waking up with Shawn there. I sigh, at least there wasn't another unfortunate incident of us waking up curled up together. I grab a pair of khaki cargo shorts and a blue t-shirt. Great, I left my brush in the bathroom. The shower is still running so I know on the door and walk in. "Sorry Shawn I forgot my brush." I say  
  
"Oh that's ok, I don't mind." Shawn says  
  
"Alright." I say and grab the pick and brush through my hair. Well I'm in here already I might as well dry it. After a few minutes the curtain opens up and Shawn is standing there in only a towel. It is all I can do to hold on to the hair dryer. He looks like he did in those pictures when he posed for Playgirl. The guys were always teasing him about that. Ok I need to compose myself. At least I am almost done drying my hair.  
  
"Something the matter Chris?" Shawn asks. SHIT I must have been staring.  
  
"No, no I was just spacing out thinking about shit." I say  
  
"Oh, ok." Shawn says leaves the bathroom and I continue to try my hair and Shawn comes back in and starts to brush his out. When I am done I leave the bathroom and flop down on the bed to wait for him. I don't have to wait long before he appears "You ready?"  
  
"Yep." I say and we head to meet the others for the signing then to the arena for a house show. The next couple of days are a whirlwind of more signings and shows. I am beat as I look over at Shawn I can see he is too. I am glad I we actually get a couple of days to do what we want to do now. I would love to just chill on the beach. I roll over to face him again and see he is already asleep. He has a slight smile on his face, I wonder what he's dreaming about. I see his hand resting near his chest and I reach out and take it in my own and run my thumb over the top. If I could sleep like this for the rest of my life I could be happy. To bad there is no way he feels the same. Slightly frustrated, I get up out of bed and go splash some water on my face and return to Shawn's and my bed. I like the sound of that. Oh well, I've been having dreams about us being together these past few nights, maybe I'll have another one tonight. I hope so because god knows that's the only way I'll ever really be with him. A song involuntarily creeps into my brain before I can stop it, only in dreams you'll see what it means reach out our hands hold on to his but when we wake it's all been erased and so it seems only in dreams. 


	10. i'm sailing away

So it's taken me longer to post this than I though because getting back to school and stuff. Sorry to keep you waiting so long, but I'll post two chapters to make up for it, not that I really know if anyone is reading this besides xtremdiva but as long as I keep getting reviews I'll keep posting. But if you are in fact reading this please review! Please Please!  
  
Shawn's POV:  
  
"NO!" I scream as my eyes snap open my breathing is heavy and I have broken out into a cold sweat. It was that dream again.  
  
"Shawn?" Chris says. I ignore him and kick off the covers and walk out on to the balcony. I stand there with my hands on the railing and look out over the ocean I examine my hands to find them still shaking. I move back against the building and sink to the floor and wrap my arms around my knees. It isn't very long before I heard the door to the balcony slide open and I look over and watch Chris hesitantly come walking out. "It was a bad one huh? Wanna talk about it?"  
  
For a minute or so I don't know if I am going to answer him, then I start to talk "It's this reoccurring night mare I've had for a while now. It wouldn't be so bad except it always seems so real. I guess that's why it bothers me so much."  
  
Chris walks slowly toward me and is eventually sitting down beside me and making me lean forward so he can wrap part of the comforter he has around me. I hadn't even noticed until then how cold I actually was. "Here, you were shivering. You can go on if you'd like."  
  
I sit there for a minute collecting myself a little. "I keep reliving Owens death." I say as I watch the look of shock come over Chris's face as my words hit him. "I'm there watching in the arena from gorilla area like I always did and Owen comes up to talk to me and I tell him good luck and he goes to perform that stunt and, and he gives me a thumbs up and they hoist him up and I can still hear the screams of the crowd as he fell. I try to break through the crowd and I can't." I shut my eyes and the tears start to stream down my face in spite of my best efforts. "That stupid gimmick, I did that same thing.I thought it was safe. I."  
  
Chris pulls me into his arms "Shawn, that's.that's really horrible." He says by this time I am fully crying. "It wasn't your fault you have to know that. There wasn't anything you could do there wasn't anything anyone could do. Shhhh, it's all over, it's all over." I let my head sink down to his chest and Chris runs his hand over my hair. I don't even remember falling asleep. I wake up by the door to the balcony being thrown open.  
  
"WAKE UP!" Hunter says.  
  
"Come on rise and shine!" Kevin says banging on the railing.  
  
"Jesus freaking Christ Hunter." I say then open my eyes I realize that I am laying on Chris chest with my arm draped over him and his arms are around me we are both still out on the balcony.  
  
"What the hell?" Chris says  
  
"Come on get up we got a boat to catch." says Stephanie.  
  
"Reef to see." Says Hunter.  
  
"It's one of the 7 wonders of the world you know." Says Kevin.  
  
"Are they kidding me with this?" Chris asks  
  
"Get dressed times a wasting." Hunter says and throws some clothes.  
  
I sit up and my back protests some "Oh fuck me." I say  
  
Hunter scoffs at me "Gladly."  
  
"Not funny Hunter, not funny at all." I say  
  
Chris looks at me and I just shrug and shake my head. "They do this." I say. We get dressed and head downstairs to meet everyone in the lobby to head to the boat. We get to the harbor and head on to this really nice boat and find they have a huge buffet of food for us to eat. We all head to the top deck until we actually get to the reef. It is amazing out here the water is so clear.  
  
"Look at that!" Stephanie says pointing down to the water to see 2 dolphins swimming along beside us. I see Chris standing over with Jay and Jeff and he hops up on the bottom ring of the railing to take a picture of the dolphins.  
  
"Hey look it's like titanic!" Jeff says and starts to laugh.  
  
Chris puts his arms out to the sides and yells "I'm the king of the word!" All of a sudden I see flashes of Owen falling to the ring and it switches to one of Chris falling over the edge of the boat, a panic comes over me and before I can stop myself I run over to Chris and pull him down off the railing and hold on to him pretty much for dear life and rest my head on the back of his shoulder. "Holy shit holy shit, don't do that again don't ever do that again." Chris spins around to face me and he looks at me like he thinks I'm crazy.  
  
"Shawn what the hell it the matter with you man? I was just kidding around." Chris says  
  
"I, I, I don't know I saw Owen falling then I saw you fall over the balcony and." I spit out.  
  
He grabs my face in his hands "But I didn't fall Shawn. I didn't fall I'm still here."  
  
"I'm sorry I don't know what came over me I just, I guess it's that dream I can't get it out of my head." I say.  
  
"It's ok." Chris says  
  
"Hey ya'll we're approaching the reef." Jeff says. Those words snap me out of the daze I was in.  
  
"Yeah um I guess we should head down to the viewing area." I say.  
  
"Yeah come on." Chris says. We walk down to the bottom deck of the boat that has a glass bottom. It's probably the most incredible thing I've ever scene in my whole life. So many colors, I never scene so much color. And the fish.wow. I look around everyone is just looking down through the glass in awe. "Pretty amazing huh?"  
  
"Yeah." is all I can manage to spit out. I look over and notice Hunter and Stephanie and they both smile and wave. I haven't gotten a chance to spend much time with them on this trip. In fact the only person I've really spent any time with at all is.Chris. Hum.  
  
Stephanie smiles largely and Hunter comes up and wraps his arms around her waste and he kisses the top of her head and she tilts her head sideways and he kisses her neck. "You better make this quick my boyfriend is going to come back any time now." She says.  
  
"Very funny." Hunter says as Stephanie interlaces her fingers with his. "How did you know it was me?"  
  
"I'd know your touch anywhere. And I didn't here you ripping a new one in anyone so I took a chance." Stephanie says. Her gaze runs over the people on the boat and stops on Shawn who is standing next to Chris.  
  
"Do you think they have any idea what you've been doing?" Hunter asks.  
  
"I have no idea to what you are referring." Stephanie says innocently. "And no I don't think they have any idea that I set up Chris having to stay with Shawn because I never made him a reservation in the first place or that I set them up to sit next to each other on the plane. They seem to be acting pretty cozy together. It should only be a matter of time before the big idiot cracks."  
  
"I don't know Steph, I don't think he's ready." Hunter says  
  
"We'll see about that." Stephanie says  
  
"You know if I didn't know any better I'd say you sounded like."Hunter says  
  
"You, I sound like you, you do have this annoying habit of hanging around and you're beginning to rub off." She says playfully.  
  
"I could leave if you want." Hunter says laughing.  
  
"Nah, you're begging to grow on me." Stephanie says.  
  
"So how about we make this me hanging around thing a permanent arrangement." Hunter says.  
  
"What you talking about?" Stephanie asks Hunter let's go of her hands and reaches down in his pocket and puts a small box in her hand. Her hands shake as she opens it to find a diamond engagement ring. "Oh my god."  
  
"Will you marry me?" Hunter ask  
  
"Yeah, of course I will." Stephanie says as she wipes the tears from her eyes and Hunter slides the ring on her finger. She reaches up and kisses his lips and he wraps his arms around her holding her close.  
  
Shawn's POV  
  
"Hey everybody we're getting married!" Hunter yells. Everyone cheers.  
  
"Dude it's about damn time!" Rob says. I totally agree, it is about time that big idiot got up the nerve to ask her to marry him for real this time. I walk over and give them both a hug.  
  
"Congratulations you guys. Now this is for real this time right not just another storyline?" I ask teasingly.  
  
"Yes this is very real." Stephanie says showing me her ring.  
  
"Wow." I say "Your hand is going to get some exercise holding that thing up."  
  
"You ready to plan me a kick ass bachelor party best man?" Hunter asks.  
  
"Already on it. Let's see we'll have it at my house, we'll need lots of liquor, better start stocking up now.stripers."I say  
  
"You mean dancers." Stephanie says  
  
"No I mean strippers." I say. Steph just shakes her head. Chris walks up and shakes Hunters hand and hugs Stephanie.  
  
"So Trips finally decided to pop the question huh? Well congratulations I know you'll be really happy." He says. I know this has to sting a little so close to his break up with Jessica.  
  
"Thanks Chris. You'll be an usher right?" Stephanie asks.  
  
"Miss McMahon I'd be honored," Chris says  
  
"Thanks Jerky our wedding wouldn't be the same with out you." Stephanie says  
  
"Now if you'll excuse me it's a beautiful day out and I am going to go enjoy the fresh sea air." He says.  
  
"See ya." Hunter says Chris waves as he walks away and up the stairs.  
  
"That doesn't sound to bad to me I'll head up too." I say hoping that they don't see through that I am actually going to go after Chris. I find him on the top deck staring out over the ocean. "Hey."  
  
"Hey." He says.  
  
"Are you ok?" I ask.  
  
"Why wouldn't I be?" Chris asks still not looking at me. The waves have starting to pick up, it most definitely wasn't like this earlier. I grab on to the railing to steady for a second to steady myself.  
  
"I don't know just with Stephanie and Hunter's announcement I figured it might remind you of Jessica." I say now having to almost yell over the waves crashing against the boat.  
  
"Are you kidding I don't even remember Jessica's name." Chris says, then shaking his head realizing what he just said. Wow I am really glad were headed back. "Look I'm not that much as an ass hole that I can't be happy for them I'm not like my character Shawn."  
  
"I didn't mean." I say  
  
"I know you didn't," Chris says looking away. "I shouldn't have snapped at you, alright alright, it does bother me a little ok but I hate the fact that it does, it makes me feel like a jerk." He looks back at me. "Shawn? Are you ok you look a little green."  
  
"I, I don't know. All the waves and the moving and.I'm not feeling so good all of a sudden." I say. That was an understatement it feels like my stomach is jumping around on a trampoline.  
  
"Come on let's get you down to a lower deck." Chris says. I walk with him stumbling some due to the waves and my hand clutching my stomach. We go to the bottom deck that is above ground. "Now concentrate on the horizon. That should help."  
  
I look around to see that thank god I am not the only one getting seasick. Jay isn't looking too good neither is Kevin, Robs wife or Stephanie. "Thanks." I say trying to smile. I have to admit looking at the horizon is helping. Or maybe not. "Oh god." I lean over the railing and throw up. Right in front of Chris, I can feel him rubbing my back. That's just great. I am so embarrassed. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Hey it's not your fault don't worry about it." Chris says. 


	11. no flaws when you're pretending

See two as promised Chris's POV:  
  
I feel so bad for Shawn he looks absolutely miserable. I wonder why he didn't take any Dramamine or anything like that. I just stand there rubbing his back, which seems to help him some. I feel bad for pretty much ignoring everyone for the rest of the trip but Shawn needs me. We finally pull back into the harbor and everyone heads off the boat. "You feeling any better now?" I ask  
  
"Can we just walk for a bit?" Shawn asks  
  
"Yeah of course. Come on." I say and head toward the beach. We get to the sand and I reach down and take of my sandals and Shawn does the same and we walk down near the water. "So why didn't you take any Dramamine or anything like that to keep from getting seasick?"  
  
Shawn looks away from me and down at the sand. "It's complicated." Shawn says  
  
"Well we got a whole lot of beach we can walk in this place you wanna tell me about it?" I ask.  
  
"I don't know it's kind of embarrassing Chris, it's not really important." He says  
  
"For Chris sake you threw up man, I'd say that it's marginally important." I say  
  
Shawn sights heavily "Alright fine. Do you remember about 2 years ago I started to come around more?" Shawn asks  
  
Did I ever I was so exited that pretty much my idol was back, I remember being so almost nervous going to work just hoping he would be there. "Yeah I think I remember that yeah." I say  
  
"Well I was trying to make my come back then, my back was ready." Shawn says  
  
"Why didn't you?" I ask  
  
"Well I had a pretty big problem with pain killers." Shawn says  
  
"Wow I never knew that no one ever said anything." I say  
  
"That's because not many people knew and those that did I swore to secrecy. The whole thing was so unlike me, getting addicted to pain killers was something I swore I would never do." Shawn says clenching and unclenching his fists, I can tell this isn't easy for him to tell me.  
  
"So what happened?" I ask  
  
"Well they were prescription pills for the pain after my back surgery. See after Brett and Owen died I felt like I owed it to them to keep going in the business that we all loves so much, to do it for them and by being there I felt connected to them still. So I just kept on going, which means I never dealt with them being gone. And I was with Becky at the time and we got married and I was actually doing pretty good. Then I hit that casket and everything changed. I was told I would be out for a long time if not permanently. They told me it could have been worse, that I was close to being paralyzed, but it wouldn't have mattered to me I might as well have died right then and there. I thought I lost everything, Becky eventually went back to work and I was left there alone with my thoughts, which isn't good when all you can think about is how depressed you are. I was totally on top before I left and I lost everything. I was 34 years old and I had never done anything else worthwhile but wrestling having that taken away and being told you may not be able to do it again it was awful. And the pain was really bad so it made it easy to take the pills they gave me. Rebecca started to notice and she told me that I had changed and we decided we needed to get a divorce. I though she didn't understand I guess she understood all too well she was trying to kick me in the ass to get my life back in order. I had no connection to Brett or Owen or any of my other friends in the WWE I couldn't bare to talk to them and I lost my wife so I basically just wanted all the pain to go away. I was in a pretty bad state when Vince called to see if I wanted to come back. I told him sure and I went in there after taking a lot of pills and Vince totally kicked my ass he basically said he'd see me when I was clean and unless that happened I could forget about doing any type of wrestling ever again. Then I went home and the next day almost overdosed. That was a wake up call for me. Since then we I don't even take Advil."  
  
"Wow." I say, not really knowing what to think of all this.  
  
"Yeah." He says.  
  
"I mean I never knew." I say  
  
"I know it's pretty much top secret, not many people do." Shawn says  
  
"So why did you tell me." I ask.  
  
"I don't know." Shawn says. Just then two girls walk up to us.  
  
"Hi, you're Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho aren't you? You guys are my favorites. You're match at Wrestlemania was incredible." Girl number 1 says.  
  
"Oh my god I can't believe I'm actually standing this close to you guys. This is so awesome. Shawn I cried when you had to leave WWE. Chris you're character is awesome. You are the best heel." Says girl number 2  
  
"Wow thanks." Shawn says.  
  
"Yeah I don't know what to say." I say  
  
"Do you think we could have your autographs?" They ask.  
  
"Of course. Do you guys have something for us to sign?" I say  
  
"Sure." Girl number 1 says. They find some paper in the purse and we gladly sign it.  
  
"Is something the matter Shawn you look a little.green around the gills." Girl number 2 says.  
  
"Well we were out on the Great Barrier Reef and I got a little sea sick." Shawn says  
  
"Oh well would you want some Rolaids that might help." The girl asks.  
  
"NO! He was addicted to drugs." I say.  
  
"WHAT! Yeah that's me addicted to drugs and Rolaids." Shawn says shaking his head at me looking at me like I am completely stupid. "What did I just tell you?!"  
  
"That not many people know about that yeah I know." I say  
  
"Damn man can you not keep your big mouth shut for 2 minutes?" Shawn asks  
  
"Apparently not." I say feeling horrible.  
  
"Thank you Mr. King of the big mouth, Y2 jackass." Shawn says.  
  
I turn to the girls "I'm really sorry about this girls." I say  
  
"It's ok my boyfriend and I get like this sometimes too." Girl number 1 says  
  
"I'm sorry but you're the one that says they don't even take Advil I didn't think Rolaids were that different." I say  
  
"Of course they're different, Advil and Dramamine get into the blood stream, Rolaids wouldn't do that." Shawn says "And besides what right do you have to say something like that? I trusted you."  
  
"I said I was sorry I was just trying to protect you!" I say  
  
"I don't remember asking for you're help." Shawn says  
  
Then when what the girl says clicks in my head "Wait what did you say." I ask her  
  
"Oh I said my boyfriend and I get like that sometimes too." She says  
  
Shawn and I look at each other and our eyes go wide. Oh shit, think fast. I start to laugh. "Me? And Him? No definitely not." I say I get my self laughing so hard I can barely stand up. To my relief Shawn is laughing too.  
  
"Oh I'm sorry I just kind of thought well I don't even know what I thought." The girl says.  
  
"It's ok don't worry about it." Says Shawn wiping the tears from his laughter.  
  
"Well thanks for talking to us and the autographs." Girl number 2 says.  
  
"It's not a problem." I say. They walk away and Shawn and I start to walk some more we are quite for a long time before Shawn decides to speak.  
  
"Imagine that huh? Us together? Pretty stupid of them." Shawn says  
  
"It's not that crazy of an idea." I say. Crap I hope he didn't hear that.  
  
"What did you say?" Shawn asks quickly.  
  
"I said, I wonder where that crazy of an idea." I say.  
  
"Oh ok." Shawn says.  
  
Idiot! Damn that was close! Man that was sure interesting. That fans would be accepting of Shawn and I together. Ah keep dreaming it's never going to happen  
  
Shawn's POV:  
  
Wow today certainly has been interesting. I notice we are outside the hotel we were staying at. "So um you wanna head inside." Chris asks.  
  
I am really enjoying walking on the beach it's one of my favorite things to do whenever we are near the ocean. It's very calming. And the sun is almost setting and since it has been kind of cloudy today I bet that the sunset will be really pretty. "Actually can we keep walking I really want to watch the sunset." I say  
  
"Ok, so then can I ask you something?" Chris asks. I wonder what this is about, maybe he's going to tell me that he is bi and he likes me and.  
  
"Sure." I say  
  
"How is Cameron dealing with you and Becky not being together?" Chris asks. Oh, or he could want to talk about that.  
  
"Well honestly he's still pretty young to understand completely. He knows that Becky and I are not together and it's not easy on him when I leave and it does take a little bit for him to warm up to me usually, but both Becky and I work really hard to stay friends to make it as easy on him as possible. Some people say our divorce it better than some peoples marriages. I don't get to spend as much time with him as possible but every time I'm home he comes and stays with me and I just try to make my time with him as special as possible, that's really all I can do." I say  
  
"Oh." Chris says  
  
"You worried about your baby?" I ask  
  
"Well yeah I mean why wouldn't I be. I don't even know if she'll let me see it." Chris says "After the way I acted the last time I saw her, I wouldn't blame her."  
  
"She doesn't seem like that kind of a person Chris." I say "Let me give you a little bit of a warning though, it will take for ever for a young child to get the idea that you are not really mad at the person you are feuding with in the ring and your not really hurting them or at least not on purpose. Every week before Raw I talk to Cam and at the end it's always the same thing now remember I'm not really mad at Uncle Hunter or whoever I'm fighting, they are my friend and we practice these moves over and over so we don't really get hurt ok? And he'll say ok daddy. And he lately he's gotten the idea that we know before hand who's going to win and he'll ask me if I get to win tonight. And I'll tell him yes or no depending and then he says I like when you jump off the top of the ropes do you get to do that daddy? Or I like it when you kick them with big kick do you get to do that." I say laughing lightly.  
  
"Does he really?" Chris asks. "That's really cute."  
  
"Yeah he has his favorites already." I say "Hunter wants him to like him but Hunter's character really scares him and so does Bills."  
  
"What about me?" Chris asks.  
  
"I think you remind him of me. He likes your lionsalt and your walls. But he doesn't understand why you're so mean. It's not easy to explain when your 2 year old goes around calling people ass clowns and saying he's that damn good." I say  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry." Chris says and starts to laugh.  
  
"It's not your fault." I say "I just had to explain to him that there are some words that are not nice words and you really shouldn't use them. Kind of why I didn't actually allow him to really be used in my story line with Hunter before summerslam."  
  
Chris POV:  
  
"Oh yeah I remember that." I say and look away from Shawn remembering how well Hunter played that part and how much I really wanted to kill him for what he was doing to Shawn. And how for that whole storyline I wouldn't talk to him. He was hurting my Shawn. My Shawn? "I wasn't around then but I remember watching and it was still obviously going on when I came to Raw. So are you serious that Cameron says I remind him of you?"  
  
"Yeah he really liked our match at Wrestlemania. He thinks we wrestle the same" Shawn says.  
  
"I have to say that was one of my favorite matches I have ever done." I say.  
  
"It was a pretty awesome match wasn't it?" Shawn says. "We worked well together."  
  
"Yeah I was honored to work with you." I say.  
  
"Really?" Shawn says  
  
"Yeah well you were one of my idols all those things I said they weren't bull shit." I say.  
  
"I don't know what to say." Shawn says, I can almost see a blush creep over his face, which is incredibly cute.  
  
"I felt really bad for what I had to do. I just got so caught up and I got all emotional and had to cover it somehow." I said  
  
"Is that why you did what I did?" Shawn says  
  
"I'm sorry about that by the way I just figured it would look more heel if I hugged you like I was being a good sport then hit you." I said  
  
"It's cool, I'm sorry for the way I reacted I was just a little surprised that's all." Shawn says  
  
"Wow look at that sunset." I say "It's amazing." and I take my camera and start to take some pictures.  
  
"Yeah it's beautiful." Shawn says  
  
"So are you." I say. SHIT!  
  
"What did you say?" Shawn asks  
  
"I said.I think so too." I say. Damn he's right I can't keep my mouth shut for 2 minutes.  
  
"Oh." Shawn is quite for a few minutes while I continue to take pictures "I never knew you were into photography." Shawn says.  
  
"There are a lot of things about me you don't know." I say.  
  
"Oh really? Enlighten me." He says  
  
"Oh well uh." I say  
  
"Yeah that's what I thought." Shawn says  
  
"So you ready to head back?" I ask.  
  
"Sure." Shawn says. We walk back to the hotel and head up to our room and I plop down on the bed and so does Shawn. I reach for the remote and turn on the TV and we find Punked on MTV. "Oh I love that show it's hilarious."  
  
"Me too, did you see the one where they punked Justin Timberlake? That was so funny he was crying." I say  
  
"I know. I don't get to watch it all the time but I catch it when I can." Shawn says "Do you think they'd ever punk someone from the WWE?"  
  
"I don't know, it seems like they would probably use us in a punk before they would actually punk one of us knowing we could destroy him." I say "But on the other hand he did punk those guys from the NFL." Then I realize that I haven't eaten today and I am pretty hungry. I reach over and grab the phone and dial. "Yes room service I would like to place an order. Yes I'll have a club sandwich and some chips, yes, one second.do you want anything Shawn?"  
  
"Uh no, my stomach is still kind of.that happens when I well you know, throw up." Shawn says  
  
"And I'll have a ginger ale." I say "Um hum, thanks."  
  
"Ginger ale?" Shawn asks  
  
"Yeah.it's for you, my mom used to have me drink it when I was feeling sick." I say  
  
"Oh. Thanks." Shawn says  
I look around and see a Sony Playstation that is hooked up to the TV. "Wanna see what games they have?" I say pointing to the Playstation  
  
I see a mischievous look come across Shawn face "Alright." We walk over there and we see that they have a wrestling game, which is just to tempting to resist.  
  
"I get to be Shawn Michaels." I say Shawn looks at me like I'm crazy.  
  
"But I'm Shawn Michaels, I get to be Shawn Michaels." Shawn says.  
  
"Nope I called it." I say.  
  
"Alright, fine, I'm going to be Chris Jericho." Shawn says.  
  
"Ok fine." I say laughing. We play for a while then.  
  
"Come on come on." Shawn says while furiously pushing buttons "The walls, come on do the walls."  
  
"Oh oh, I'm warming up the band, and super kick.and it's 1,2,3 over my friend." I say.  
  
"Damn, you cheated somehow I know you did." Shawn says  
  
"Oh yeah I cheated, that's it I just couldn't possibly be better at this than you." I say then start to laugh.  
  
"What's so funny?" Shawn asks  
  
"Well you do realize you just kicked your own ass?" I say  
  
"Oh shut up!" Shawn says. "Oh we're playing again! This time I'm being someone else because the guy I picked last time sucked."  
  
"Hey!" I say. "Alright it's on now buddy."  
  
"Bring it ass clown." Shawn says, we play again for a while and "And 1,2,3! Ha!"  
  
"Son of a bitch!" I yell.  
  
Shawn looks at me with a raised eyebrow "Best 2 out of three?"  
  
"Oh you bet your ass." I say and we quickly choose our new guys. "Oh, oh, 1,2,3! Yes!"  
  
"I let you win." Shawn says  
  
"Yeah because that's what you do." I say.  
  
"Whatever, we are totally having a rematch tomorrow." Shawn says  
  
"You're on." I say.  
  
Shawn's POV:  
  
I turn off the game and head into the bathroom to get ready for bed. I can't believe he beat me! I am going to kick his ass hard core tomorrow. When I head back out to the bed Chris is lying down on the bed already asleep. I smile lightly, and sit down on the bed next to him "Chris? Chris?" I say and rub my hand up and down his arm.  
  
"Huuumm?" Chris says  
  
"Are you gonna get ready for bed? Your still in your clothes."  
  
"Oh yeah." Chris says, he yawns smiles at me and sits up and gets up off the end of the bed and soon after comes back out, groans and walk with his arms out in front of him like a zombie. I laugh and he climbs into bed tonight a little closer than last night. He must be cold or something. "It was fun today."  
  
"Yeah it was, except for the sea sickness thing." I say.  
  
"Oh yeah I almost forgot about that. Feeling better?" Chris asks  
  
"Yeah that ginger ale helped." I say  
  
"I'm glad." Chris says.  
  
"I wonder how Madam Butterfly will be tomorrow." I say  
  
"I don't know but it's Rivers Como's favorite opera so it's gotta be good." Chris says  
  
"Rivers Como?" I ask  
  
"Yeah the lead singer from Weezer. You know I look just like Buddy Holly oh oh and your Mary Tyler Moore, I don't care what they say about us anyways I don't care about that." Chris says  
  
"Oh right." I say  
  
"He apparently got the name of their second album from it." Chris says  
  
"Oh." I say  
  
"That one is my favorite I think, it's so angsty." Chris says.  
  
I laugh lightly. Chris gets a very cute look on his face when he is really passionate about something. "I'll have to listen to it sometime." I say.  
  
Chris yawns. "One of my favorites is El Schorcho. It's an interesting version of a love song." He says. Chris yawns again and closes his eyes and starts to mumble. "For all I know you want me to and maybe you just don't know what to do. Maybe your scared to say I'm falling for you. I'm a lot like you so please hello I'm here I'm waiting, I think I'd be good for you and you'd be good for me." What? Interesting choice of lyrics. I mean they might as well be talking about.NO! I've got to stop doing this. I don't like him! That would be totally crazy. I look over at Chris sleeping next to me, yeah totally crazy considering there's nothing I want more than to reach out and pull him close and have him in my arms. But that's never going to happen, and that is some what of a relief because then I wouldn't have to deal with having those feelings because I don't know if I can. With those thoughts running through my head I drift into a troubled sleep.  
  
"Come on guys wake up." Hunter says as he jumps on the bed.  
  
"God damn it Hunter don't you guys ever knock." Chris says  
  
"Ummmm, no." Kevin says.  
  
"Come on we're going to get surfing lessons the waves are supposed to be perfect." Stephanie says.  
  
"Yeah yeah we'll get on our suits." I say  
  
"I'll call Jay and Jeff and see if they want to come with us." Chris says  
  
"Ok hurry up times a wasting. We'll meet you in the lobby" Hunter says and climbs off the bed and the group heads out of the room.  
  
"I'm sorry." I say.  
  
"I know, I know, they do this." Chris says  
  
I shrug "Welcome to the click." I say  
  
"Lucky me." Chris says shaking his head and laughing lightly as he gets out of bed. I hear him grumbling something as he grabs what is probably a bathing suit and heads to the bathroom. "Well Jay and Jeff are going to go too."  
  
"Cool." I head in the bathroom to get changed and when I am finished we head down to the lobby. "Hey guys. Ready to go."  
  
"Yep." Stephanie says. We all get into a cab and head to the beach. I see our instructor and I think maybe this wasn't such a bad idea after all. I'll probably post more on Saturday or so, if not tomorrow. I guess that depends on if I get any reviews. 


	12. let's go surfin now everybodies learnin ...

(slaps head) I can't believe I forgot to post this yesterday. Sorry (begs forgiveness)  
  
Chris's POV:  
  
"Hi I'm Sylvia." The girl that appears to be our instructor says. There is something about her that I don't like. Maybe it's because she is way to perky for 10 in the morning. Or maybe it's the really skimpy bathing suit that she's wearing, or it could be the way she is looking at Shawn. What am I thinking I just met the girl like two seconds ago? I'm sure Shawn didn't even notice.  
  
"Hey I'm Shawn." Shawn says staring at her. Or I could be wrong. Yep I definitely don't like her.  
  
"Well shall we get started?" She asks.  
  
"What ever you want Sylvia." Hunter says smiling, which gets him smacked on the back of the head by Stephanie.  
  
"Well lets get started." Shawn says giving Sylvia a smile.  
  
"Great." She says  
  
"Let me help you with your board." Shawn says.  
  
"Oh thank you." Sylvia says. Oh now I'm sure of it, I hate her. I keep watching the two of them and she is always finding reasons to touch Shawn. I'm having trouble concentrating on what they are telling us to do, but we all do seem to be getting the hang of it. Soon we head to the water and we are actually all doing pretty well with it I think out instructor is impressed at least she is with Shawn. Soon we are all surfing and it is actually pretty fun, a pretty good rush. We ride waves in and goof around jumping on other peoples boards trying to sink them and riding with them. Everybody is cheering for everybody I almost forget about Sylvia until I see her talking to Shawn on the beach.  
  
"Chris are you ok?" Jay asks. Oh great the one person that I can't hide anything from.  
  
"Hum? Oh yeah I'm fine." I say through my teeth.  
  
"No seriously what's going on with you, you've been staring daggers at the instructor all day long, especially when she's." Jay says and stops suddenly.  
  
"When she's what?" I ask hesitantly.  
  
"When she's talking to Shawn. Oh my god! I knew it." Jay says  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about." I say  
  
"Oh really then you wouldn't care that the two of them are kissing right now." Jay says.  
  
"They're what! I'll." I turn to look and see Shawn is in the process of paddling out in the waves and Sylvia standing on the beach. "Shit."  
  
"I knew it! I knew it!" Jay exclaims "Chris that's so cool, he's nice and sweet and charming and extremely good looking."  
  
"And straight. Jay please dude you can't say anything! Please!" I beg.  
  
Jay gets a smirk on his face. Walks closer and says just loud enough for me to hear "Chris and Shawn sitting in a tree, k-I-s-s-I-n-g."  
  
"You fucking bastard." I say and Jay just laughs at me. I run and spear Jay into the water, which sparks a little bit of a wrestling match. Jeff runs over and becomes our make shift ref. Jay eventually goes for a drop kick and when he hits the water I grab his legs and flip him over to get him in the walls and squirm as he might he can't get out and is forced to tap. "I am the winner! I am the winner." I say laughing and start to walk away when Jay tackles me from behind, I slip on the sand and fall flat on my face. I feel my head hit something hard and I push myself back up spitting out a mouthful of sand. I stand there trying to get my bearings and Jay and Jeff are standing there wide-eyed.  
  
"Shit! I'm sorry dude." Jay says  
  
"It's ok. I'm fine." I say. Then I take my hand and feel the spot on my forehead where it hurts and I pull my hand away and look at it and there is blood on it quite a bit of blood actually. "Oh god damn it!" Sylvia comes running over and by now I can feel the blood running down the side of my face.  
  
"It looks like you're going to need some stitches." Sylvia says.  
  
"Well thank you captain obvious. I am a wrestler I have had stitches enough to know when I need them." I say snapping at the stupid bitch.  
  
"Ok well you'll have to get out of the water I wouldn't want you to be dripping blood and attract sharks." Sylvia says  
  
"What! Sharks! Are you kidding me?" I say  
  
"No this is the ocean after all." She says.  
  
"Oh great just great." I say and start to walk out of the water and Jay grabs on arm and Sylvia the other. "Get your hands off me I don't need your help." I say then glare at Sylvia "Especially yours." Both of them quickly remove their hands and hold them up in a gesture of defeat. Soon I am surrounded by Hunter, Stephanie, Kevin and family, Rob and his wife. Shawn comes wildly running into the circle.  
  
"Are you ok dude?" Hunter asks  
  
"Yeah what do you want us to do?" Kevin asks  
  
Shawn's POV:  
  
I have to admit this surfing thing was pretty cool and I was doing pretty good too but all of a sudden I look in toward the shore and I see Chris and Jay wrestling around. I wish I were close enough with Chris to do that type of stuff. I see Jeff run over and pretend to be a ref. I swear if Jay does anything to hurt Chris I'll.I'll what? Nothing, you'll do nothing because that would make you act like the jealous boyfriend and that is not the case. Then I am horrified when I see Jay tackling Chris and Chris's head hitting the sand and bleeding when he stands up. Oh my god he's hurt! I hop off my board and start to swim furiously toward shore until I can walk then I run at top speed. Chris is hurt! Chris is hurt. I have to get to him. I run up on the shore. "What the hell happened?" I ask.  
  
"The stupid idiot tackled me," Chris says pointing to Jay "when I wasn't looking and I must have hit my head on a rock or shell or something."  
  
"I'm sorry I never meant for you to get hurt and besides you started it." Jay says  
  
"No you started it, with what you said." Chris says  
  
"What did he say?" I ask  
  
"Oh, well never mind that are one of you going to help me get to the hospital or am I going to have to find my way there on my own WHILE I'M BLEEDING FROM THE HEAD." Chris says  
  
"Oh, oh ok, Jay go hail a cab, someone go get a towel or something to put on his head to help stop the bleeding." I say almost panicking, it's a good thing that in tough situations I sort of go into army mode curtsy of my dad the cornel. Chris is hurt, Chris is hurt. I see Jay and Jeff run off toward the road and Kevin goes off toward the food stand that is near by. I walk over on shaky legs to Chris. "Are you going to be ok walking over there or do you need some help?"  
  
"I'll be ok." Chris says  
  
Kevin comes back and hands a towel to Chris. "Here you go." Kevin says. Chris puts it to his head and Kevin and I both walk not to far behind him over to where Jay and Jeff already have a cab.  
  
"I'm going with him." Jay says  
  
"Me too." I say  
  
"Me too." Say Kevin, Hunter and Stephanie.  
  
"You guys don't have to I mean."Chris says I am going to wave off his concern but Hunter does it for me.  
  
"You're part of the click, we take care of our own." Hunter says. We all look around at each other and realize that not all of us can fit in one cab. "Um, Shawn why don't you go with Jay and Jeff and Chris and the rest of us will get another cab." Oh I could kiss Hunter right now. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't personally see that Chris is ok. I walk over and get in to the cab and I look at my hands and they are visibly shaking. I quickly grab on hand with the other and put them in my lap and try to breath normally as we head to the hospital. When we get there I help Chris out of the car and Jay runs in to get started on signing him in. Hunter, Kevin and Stephanie come in and sit with us and soon they call Chris's name and he goes off with a nurse. I sit in a chair, or try to sit, I keep nervously running my hands through my hair. Then I get up and start pacing. I don't know how long I had been doing it either. I just want him to be ok. The man that I.Chris is hurt. And what the hell is taking so long anyway. This is making me nuts!  
  
"Shawn, would you sit down you're pacing so much your starting to make me dizzy." Hunter says  
  
"But Chris is hurt and." I say  
  
"It's just some stitches Shawn we've all had them. Hell what'd you have 60 or so from that cell match with Taker." Kevin asks with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"Yeah but it's different with him." I say  
  
"Why, why is it different?" he asks. I can't answer that question. I just walk away from them. And sit in a corner far away. I see Kevin and Hunter throw their arms up probably in frustration. Why is this so hard for me? I can't even explain how much I am relieved when I see Chris walking out. Not that I didn't think exactly that would happen, but I don't know.  
  
"Hey guys." Chris says "Who died Jesus?" Kevin and Hunter laugh lightly. "Not even a cool amount of stitches it was only 15."  
  
"Well I'm glad your ok." Jay says.  
  
"Yep thanks to you, you're paying for it." Chris says  
  
"I figured as much." Jay says. "I'll be back shortly."  
  
"Well I'm sure that they want you to get a little rest, so Shawn why don't you take Chris back to your room." Stephanie says.  
  
"Alright no problem." I say  
  
"Shawn you don't have to I mean you can." Chris says.  
  
"No way, were not leaving you alone after a head trauma. It can take awhile for problems to show up." I say  
  
"Yeah, yeah I know." Chris says "My head does hurt a little I guess."  
  
"See? Well I guess we will meet you all in the lobby tonight for the opera." I say and grab Chris by the arm before he can protest. We get back to the hotel room and I make Chris lay down on the bed and I get him some Motrin. "Here for your head."  
  
"Thanks but it was only some stitches I'm telling you I feel fine. I don't need to lay down." Chris says.  
  
"Well you can never be to careful with injuries having to do with your head." I say.  
  
"I'm not getting out of this am I?" Chris says.  
  
"Nope. I'll wake you in a little bit." I say  
  
"Alright, alright fine." Chris says. I go to get up and Chris grabs my arm. "Shawn?"  
  
"Yeah?" I ask  
  
"Thanks." Chris says. I smile at him and run my fingers over the front of his hair a few times then get up and take my head phones to go out and sit on the balcony. Sooner than I think it's time to get ready to go to the show and I decide that I will get ready first so Chris can sleep for a while longer. I come out and Chris is up watching TV. "Hey sleep good?"  
  
"Yep." Chris says  
  
"How's the head?" I ask  
  
"It's fine." Chris says "I told you it would be."  
  
"I know." I say smiling at him. "Well I'm done so you can go ahead."  
  
"Alright." Chris says. He walks into the bathroom. Soon he comes out. Damn, the only way that suit could look any better is if it was on the floor. I realize that I am staring and I mentally slap myself back into reality. "Wow, you look nice." 


	13. listenin to Cho Cho Sans fall in love al...

(begs forgiveness) Sorry it took me so long to post this. It just wasn't coming out right and I didn't like it and if it's still just ok I'm sorry. See I haven't actually scene Madam Butterfly so it wasn't the easiest to write. And I actually had to redo the end because XD seems to think that I end in cliffhangers and I don't really see that. But she pretty much challenged me to a cliffhanger war in her last update so I guess it's on now. Any way on with the story.  
  
Chris's POV:  
  
I look down at myself and then back to Shawn "Really?" I ask.  
  
"Hey, I'd do you." Shawn says jokingly, god how I wish that were true.  
  
"Well you don't look to bad yourself there junior." I say winking at him and we both laugh. Damn he looks good. Not that he doesn't always but to see him in a suit just wow, every guy looks about 10 times hotter in a suit, and Shawn was gorgeous any way so in a suit my god. I am surprised I can keep my hands off of him. Shawn points at the door.  
  
"Shall we go?" Shawn asks  
  
"Yep." I say and we head out and down to the lobby to meet the others.  
  
"Hey sexy." Hunter says  
  
"You don't look to bad yourself their hansom." Shawn says as they give each other high fives  
  
"Well, everybody ready?" Stephanie asks. "Alright let's move out." We head to the opera house, which is really cool by the way. We head to our seats in one of the balconies and of course I end up next to Shawn and Jay.  
  
"Do you have any idea what this is about?" I ask Jay  
  
"Not a clue, but it's supposed to be really good." Jay says. "How about you babe?" He asks Jeff who shrugs his shoulders and continues to flip through the program. I start to flip through my own program and I see that a screen drops down probably to give subtitles. Good I was wondering how I was going to understand what was happening if something like that didn't happen. Soon the lights dim and the play starts. It's not to bad actually. I am getting a bad feeling about how the first act ended. Nothing good ever comes from to people in love leaving each other. Why, for some reason does that sound somewhat familiar?  
  
"Penny for your thoughts." Shawn says  
  
"I was just thinking about how it ended, wondering what was going to happen next I guess." I say  
  
"Well that's the point of a good story right?" Shawn asks.  
  
"Yeah, yeah I guess so, it's just" I say.  
  
"It's just what?" Shawn asks  
  
"I don't know it's probably nothing." I say "I can't help thinking that I know what they are going through."  
  
"Are you ok?" Shawn asks  
  
"Yeah, yeah I'll be fine." I say. The lights turn down and it starts again. Three years why hasn't he come back for her yet, I thought by the way the last act ended he loved her. I know he said he had taken a wedding to her lightly but it didn't seem like that at the end. I mean she gave up her religion and her family basically disowned because of it. Somehow I don't think that this is a good sign She had his child.he better come back for her, he should want to be there. He better come back. He married someone else. He married someone else? How could he? And now they want her child, she would rather die than give him up she wouldn't want to live with out it. I can feel the tears in my eyes because I think I know what is going to be coming. I don't want to watch this, but my eyes won't let me look away she is singing goodbye to her child. I cling to Shawn and burry my head in his shoulder when.when.and now Pinkerton is coming of course. Oh my god. I get up and run out of the box, I, I, can't handle this. I keep running until I am outside and I find a bench to sit on. Of all the things for me to see right now. I might as well have a 20-pound weight on my chest because that's what it feels like right about now.  
  
Shawn's POV:  
  
I hope Chris is ok, I watch him concerned through out the play. It seems to be getting to him a lot. Not that I don't understand I am fighting back tears myself. And I can see that being that it's about love and children and everything why it would bother him. When it does end he practically runs passed me. "Chris?" My eyes are huge. "I gotta go after him."  
  
"Go." Hunter says. I take off through the opera house and I don't see him anywhere. I run out into the street and I go around the opera house and see him sitting on a bench his head tipped back. I walk slowly over to him.  
  
"Hey." I say  
  
"Hey." Chris answers weekly sounding as if he is on the verge of some kind of breakdown.  
  
"You ok?" I ask "Wow Shawn what an insightful question, you just ran out of the opera house and are sitting out here like some kind of wreck because your just peachy." That gets a slight scoff from Chris. He puts a hand over his eyes.  
  
"God that was just so horrible." Chris says "And I know it's idiotic but that is something that could possibly happen with Jessica."  
  
"Why are you always thinking the worst? You know that's not going to happen right?" I say walking closer sitting on the bench.  
  
"I know, I know." Chris says "I am just still so fucked up over the whole thing and then I see something like that, I just." Chris says and looks up and closes his eyes and a tear streams down his face. "The whole thing didn't turn out how I expected it and that was just all my worse case scenarios all rolled into one you know."  
  
"I'm really sorry." I say, because I don't know exactly what I should be doing at the moment.  
  
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have freaked out like that." Chris says  
  
"Hey it's ok, everybody's a little fucked up sometimes. I can understand how that would hit a little close to home. And you came on this trip to step away from that situation and everything you do seems to come back to that." I say. Chris just nod his head again and sighs and tears start to stream down his face. I put my arm hesitantly around him and he puts his head on my shoulder. "Everything's going to be alright, I know you have no reason to believe me but it will." I hate to see him like this. I could kill Jessica right now. How could she not want to be with him however she could get him? We sit there for a while and eventually Chris stops crying.  
  
"I'm sorry I soaked your jacket." He says.  
  
"It's alright. You feeling up to going back to the hotel?" I ask he shakes his head so I help him up and we walk to catch a cab and head back to the hotel. "You wanna have that rematch?"  
  
"No I'm not really in a video game mood right now I think I just want to go to bed. I'm sorry." Chris says.  
  
"Oh no! Don't be it's fine." I say. Chris heads into the bathroom and emerges shortly there after in pajama pants and he climbs into bed. I can't stand to see him like this it's breaking my heart. Maybe some sleep will do him good, they always say things look better in the morning. I get out of my suit and into my own pajamas and climb into bed.  
  
"Shawn?" Chris asks  
  
"Yeah?" I ask, I thought he was asleep.  
  
"I just thinking about kind of thanking you." Chris says.  
  
"Thinking about kind of thanking me?" I ask  
  
"Hey this is hard for me ok?" Chris says "You've been a really good friend and."  
  
"And?" I ask  
  
"I don't know what I would have done with out you lately." Chris says. That last part makes my heart skip a beat and I am suddenly very nervous.  
  
"I, I don't know." I manage to say.  
  
"We weren't that close but I'm glad that we are now." Chris says. "Let me tell you, you are one of few people to see me cry."  
  
"Not many people have scene me cry either let me tell ya, and you are one of the people who have had that pleasure." I say  
  
"Let's face it Shawn my friend we can be a couple of basket cases." Chris says.  
  
"Yeah, yeah I guess we can." I say admittedly. "And you my friend need some sleep you are injured you know."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah I know better than to argue with you at this point." Chris says and rolls over. I smile triumphantly. Suddenly I notice it feels a little chilly in our room. Did I say chilly? I meant Antarctic like temperatures. I don't know what happened to the air.  
  
"Did you turn up the air it's freezing in here?" I ask  
  
"What? No but it is more than a little cold." Chris says.  
  
"Get up and turn down the air." I say  
  
"Me? You do it I'm injured over here." Chris says  
  
"But it's cold I don't want to get out from under the covers." I say.  
  
"So then deal with it." Chris says.  
  
"But it's cold." I say making Chris sigh and rolling over moving close to me.  
  
"Is that better?" Chris asks  
  
"Um yeah, I uh guess so." I say. I can feel my body shaking just from having him that close. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I sigh and close my eyes and pray that I will drift off to sleep. But it doesn't come. I lay there awake for I don't even know how long. Everything is so messed up the way I felt today when I saw Chris was hurt, I haven't felt that way since, well it's been a long time. I don't want to have those feelings again it's too hard. I keep going over and over this in my head and it doesn't solve anything I am just as confused as ever. Then I feel Chris roll right next to me and his arm flops over my shoulder. He must be searching for body heat but I can pretend just for tonight that he's going for me can't I? Do I want him to be?  
  
"Shawn."Chris says. I look over my shoulder and see him still sleeping. He said my name in his sleep, I wonder what he's dreaming about. Maybe I can enjoy this after all. God DAMN IT! Why do I have to be so fucked up?  
  
Chris's POV:  
  
Aw fuck my leg. Why of all times did it pick in the middle of the god damn night to go numb on me. Stupid ass nerve, I haven't even been wrestling it has no reason to be pinched now. I roll myself away from Shawn who I have manages to curl up with again so I don't wake him up. I get up and I carefully start walking around the room trying to relieve the tension on whatever nerve it is that decides to pinch it self on me sometimes. I must be quite a sight. Here I am hobbling each bit of weight put on that leg sending pins and needles through it while everyone else in Australia is asleep. On one of my first passes across the room I notice Shawn roll over and his arm feeling around, I smile, he must be searching for me. Hell who am I kidding he's probably just wanting body heat. I can tell he's now awake and looking around. "Can't sleep?" he asks  
  
"Well not with the pins and needles shooting through my leg no. I have this thing where a nerve in my leg gets pinches on me sometimes and it make my leg go numb." I say irritated  
  
"Oh." He says and reaches over and turns on the light. "Anything I can do to help? Do you um, want me to uh, rub it or something?"  
  
Oh Shawn, you can rub anything you want. NO! Stop! That would be such a bad idea there aren't even words to describe what a bad idea having Shawn rub my leg would be. "Um, I don't, I mean, I uh," I say "Having you do that is bound to kill me." Oh shit I can't believe I just said that. I cover my mouth wishing I could take it back. Maybe he didn't hear me.  
  
"What?" Shawn asks with the confusion evident on his face. Damn it. I swear if I didn't have bad luck I wouldn't have any luck at all. No this was just pure stupidity on my part.  
  
"Shawn it's just, I didn't, oh man." I say  
  
"Chris? What are you trying to say?" Shawn asks.  
  
Hahaha, you want cliffhangers I can do cliffhangers. 


	14. hey jealousy

I know you all have been waiting for a while for the update to this so I will forgo my usual bullshit and commence with the story.  
  
"I, I," I somehow manages to say, I feel my unshed tears stinging my eyes. I can't even bring myself to look at him. I man what am I going to do. Well, I'm fucked anyway what the hell. I hear Shawn get up off the bed.  
  
"Chris say something damn it!" Shawn says. The next few seconds are a blur. I hear him walk toward me and he spins me around and I grab his face and press my lips fiercely against his. A few moments later we break away from each other. And I walk on wobbly legs over to the bed and sit down. Oh my god what have I done. I've ruined everything. I've just lost Shawn forever. How could I have done something so incredibly stupid? Why can't I think before I act? Think, then act, think then act you moron!  
  
"Shawn I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me." I say in a small voice "No, no, I'm not. I wish I could be Shawn but I not. It felt right." There, there it is. I said it. I hope for the love of god he doesn't hate me. I can't loose him now. He's become too important.  
  
"Maybe, it felt right because, we're right." Shawn says in a small voice. What? He couldn't have just said what I think he did, did he? Oh my god! Oh my god! I don't even know how to respond to that. What do you say when you get what you want the most all in one sentence. I can hardly believe what I am hearing. I turn to face him needing to see for myself that he does in fact mean what he says. "Chris? Please say something anything." I guess I must have been quite longer than I though.  
  
"Oh my god what a relief. I though I had just made the biggest mistake of my life." I say. Shawn slides himself over next to me.  
  
"The only mistake was not doing something sooner." Shawn says. My eyes wander nervously between his eye and his lips then back to his eyes again. He gives me a smile signaling that he knows what I'm going to do. I lean in and touch my lips to his for the second time. It's more that I ever expected. I let my tongue trace along his bottom lip begging for entrance and he willingly complies and I let myself explore all the regions of his mouth as he does the same. I leave Shawn's lips momentarily and move to the side of his neck, he moans and tilts his head sideways to give me better access. Soon he stops me by finding my lips again this time repositioning us so we are lying down on the bed. I moan into Shawn's mouth as his hand moves slowly up my inner thigh. I take a sharp breath as Shawn starts kissing a line from my bellybutton up toward my mouth. He looks up and me and smiles.  
  
"God Shawn I love you." I say and just for a moment I wish I hadn't. It slipped out. I hadn't meant it to but it did. His reaction makes my heart swell. Shawn now has the biggest smile on his face that I have ever scene in my entire life.  
  
"Oh I love you too Chris." Shawn whispers  
  
My eyes snap open. Oh god, my breaths come in heavy gasps. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I can't get away from him even in my dreams. I survey the scene in the room slightly disoriented. Wait, I was dreaming all that wasn't I? Yes, yes I was. Then why is Shawn in my arms right now? A wave of panic rushes over me. I try to move my arm to get it out from underneath him and slide away but Shawn stirs slightly and moves himself back closer to me. Great this is so not what I need right now. Especially after the dream I just had.what am I gonna do? I guess I'll just lay here and enjoy it right now, after all he is the man I.the man I what? The pure weight of the answer to that question makes me not want to answer it. I guess I'll just have to deal with it when he wakes up. Well I hope Shawn is a cuddly guy and this won't turn out to be a big deal. I yawn and fall back asleep. I wake to feel Shawn running his fingers over my hand and interlacing his fingers with mine. Then I feel him break away. He must have just woken up.  
  
"Chris?" He asks sleepily  
  
"Ummm." I say  
  
"We did it again." Shawn says  
  
I am suddenly very awake as I remember how we were sleeping. I roll quickly away. "Sorry." I say  
  
"It's ok. It's bound to happen when you're sharing a bed." Shawn says through a yawn. "So what's on the agenda for today?"  
  
"I don't know." I say truthfully. I hadn't thought to talk to Jay or Jeff about what we were doing and Hunter and the others didn't say anything to me about what was going on and I am assuming if Shawn knew what they were doing he wouldn't be asking me. "We should call around and find out I guess." I say yawning. I sit up and reach for my phone and dial Jay's number, no answer. Then I dialed Jeff's, no answer. Hum that's weird. I wonder why neither of them are, on the other hand maybe I don't. "Hum, no such luck getting a hold of them."  
  
"Hum, I'll call Hunter or Kevin." He says. I can feel Shawn sit up and I don't hear anything else for a long time. "Well no such luck with them either, that's weird."  
  
"Ha, maybe they are avoiding us." I say  
  
"Ha yeah maybe." Shawn says.  
  
"Well what do you feel like doing?" I ask  
  
"I don't know what do you feel like doing." Shawn says  
  
"I don't know what do you feel like." I say  
  
"Oh let's not play that game it's to early." Shawn says.  
  
"Alright, relaxing and laying out on the beach sounds pretty good." I say  
  
"That sound's good to me too. I bet Steph. dragged Trips shopping." Shawn says chuckling. "And I bet Anne wanted to go with her so Kevin is probably there too, so I don't think were missing to much not hanging out with them."  
  
"Yeah probably not I'm not really in the shopping mood right now." I say  
  
"Yeah me neither." Says Shawn. So we both get up and get in to our swimsuits and are soon basking in the sun at the beach. "God this is so the life."  
  
"Oh yeah, remind me to send Stephy a thank you card." I say adjusting my sunglasses.  
  
"Stephy, you know I think I'd get my ass kicked if I called her that." I say  
  
"Yeah well you know, you get pretty close to a person when one of your first official angles in the WWE is to have a "love" angle with them." Chris says "It sort of came out in one of the promos and it just fit I guess because you couldn't tell if I meant it sarcastically or not."  
  
"Yeah I bet that angle was so hard too." Shawn says  
  
"Yeah I must admit that was probably the hardest angle I've ever had to do." I say sarcastically "I mean who wouldn't want to pretend to be infatuated with a beautiful woman? And I guess I can also say that Stephy isn't a terrible kisser."  
  
"Yeah I seem to remember something else you liked about her too." Shawn says laughing.  
  
"Hey one can't help it if ones hand slips accidentally." I say trying not to smile  
  
"Yeah accidentally." Shawn says looking at me with a smirk on his face. I look away blushing a little. "Wow it really wasn't accidental was it?"  
  
"I'll say that Hunter is a lucky man and I might have liked her if I wasn't with Jessica. Steph and I did have fun messing with each other trying to do extra-unplanned stuff to try to see if the other one could keep in character. I remember putting her in the walls when she was in a skirt once and she was supposed to be wearing shorts underneath and she wore a thong. That had taped letters on it nice undies huh Chris." I say laughing.  
  
"She didn't, busted!" Shawn laughed  
  
"Yeah well, can you blame me? And I do have to look I mean I step over the persons legs to get them into the walls I wouldn't have wanted to step on her legs." I say.  
  
"Yeah, that's why." Shawn says  
  
"Shut up." I say. I don't even notice Sylvia approaching us until she is sitting out our blanket.  
  
"Hey Sylvia." Shawn says  
  
"Hey Shawn, Chris. How's it going? You guys here for more surfing?" She asks sitting down on our blanket.  
  
"Stitches." I say pointing to the bandage on my head in a tone like hello, you were there don't you remember?  
  
"Oh yeah how's the head?" She asks reaching up to touch the spot on my head and I knock her hand away giving her an icy stare.  
  
"Fine, I'm fine." I say. Shawn is giving me a look that is probably asking what the hell is the matter with me right now. I just want Sylvia to get the hell away from me the fucking ring rat.  
  
"What about you Shawn?" Sylvia asks  
  
"Nah I'm not really up for it, and I'm not going to leave him alone, especially on our last day here." Shawn says  
  
"Well don't do anything on my account." I huff under my breath. God could I be acting more girly right now, being all jealous and possessive what the hell IS the matter with me? I turn pretending to be interested in some random magazine that we bought to give us something to do at the beach. I can't believe how easily Shawn's talks to her. But then again he as a comfortableness and ease about him that is unmatched by anyone I know. I wouldn't even think the two of them noticed that I stopped talking a long time except for the quizzical glances I keep getting from Shawn. I don't even want to think about what they mean because I can't even begin to guess. If he wants to talk to that bitch fine, it doesn't mean that I have to and no looks from him are going to change that. I can't believe how much it stings that he would rather talk to her than me. I don't understand it. She's not that interesting. I thought we were friends. He just met her why is he so interested? And he's doing all this right in front of me. Is he doing it to hurt me or something? Of course not you idiot, he doesn't even know you like him. Maybe I'm to late. Not like I was planning on making any sort of a move anyway. I stop bothering to look at the magazine and look out over the ocean. It's so calming. I listen to the waves trying not to pay attention to the two other people on the blanket with me. But the more I tried to ignore it the more I was sucked in to their conversation. I listened to Shawn talk about wrestling and he had this glazed over look in his eyes. He was like a kid in a candy store. He was in fact living his childhood dream. God he looked so beautiful right now. I notice that he doesn't tell her about his drug troubles, which does make me feel a tinge of pride knowing that I have at least that one up on her. Hell I've woken up with him in my arms twice this week what has she done but helped him learn to surf for a few hours. If I know all this then why is the fact that Shawn is talking to her bothering me so much?  
  
"Chris? Oh Chris?" Shawn says snapping me out of my thoughts.  
  
"Hum?" I say shaking my head.  
  
"Where were you just now?" He asks  
  
"I was just, thinking." I say carefully  
  
"Wow you thinking? Hope you didn't strain anything, it happens so infrequently." He says smirking  
  
"Not nearly as infrequently as it does for you my friend." I say.  
  
"Yeah well, wanna go get something to eat? It's about that time." Shawn says  
  
I look down at my watch and by god if he wasn't right, I must have spaced out longer than I though. "Yeah sure why not?" I say  
  
"Yeah I'm game." Sylvia says  
  
"I'm suddenly not very hungry." I say  
  
"Are you sure, you just said," Shawn says  
  
"Yeah I'm just going to head back to the hotel." I say and I get up and start to walk away. Shawn gets up and follows me.  
  
"What's going on with you anyway?" Shawn asks  
  
"Nothing I'm fine." I say quickly  
  
"No, your not, you've been a total jerk to Sylvia the whole time." Shawn says  
  
"I am not! Would you just leave me alone Shawn?" I say and run toward the street and jump in the first cab I can get back to the hotel. I walk in the hotel room and lay down on the bed. My hand finds the remote so I turn on the TV and flip through the channels not really catching anything that's on and before I realize it I have gone through all the channels three times. God this is stupid. Why am I doing this to myself? You will never have him! So then why should it matter that he is out with someone else right now? Doing god knows what. My mind doesn't need to go there but it does, images of the two of them together flash through my head. Images I don't want to see. The two of them are in her house standing in front of her couch; she lays down pulling him with her. He lowers his mouth to hers and they the kiss a few seconds later so Shawn can pull his shirt over his head then running his hands down her sides and over her hips finding her legs his hands messaging her thighs. His thumb runs over the button of her shorts and he slowly unzips her zipper. DAMN IT! STOP! That would never happen. Shawn wouldn't do that. But he is the Heart Break Kid, more images start to appear, NO! I curl myself in a ball resting my head on my chest when I hear a knock at the door. It's him he's come back to me! But this is Shawn's room too why would he be knocking. Maybe he forgot his key and with that I jump up and run to the door and open it to see not exactly the person I expected. Because it's not a person at all but people. Jay and Jeff. "Oh hey guys, where the hell have you been all day."  
  
"Oh, I don't know around I guess." Jay says  
  
"I tried calling you but you didn't answer." I say.  
  
"Yeah I forgot my phone." Jay says  
  
"Me too" says Jeff. "So we were wondering if you wanted to chill and watch a movie since we have an early flight tomorrow."  
  
"Yeah sure why not come on in." I say with a sigh  
  
"Where's Shawn." Jeff asks  
  
"He's out with Sylvia." I say in a mocking tone.  
  
"Oh I'm sorry." Jay says  
  
"Why? It's not like I own him or anything. He's free to do what he wants." I say.  
  
"Yeah you don't care at all that's why you look like you are about ready to burst." Jay says  
  
"Oh shut up I do not." I say indignantly  
  
"That's why we heard you run to the door at breakneck speed then? Or are you going to tell us you didn't do that either?" Jeff asks. I open my mouth to say something but no words will come out so I just sit there staring at them my mouth moving up and down waving one hand. "Yeah I though not."  
  
"I am being double teamed here this is so not fair." I say  
  
"Isn't that usually my line." Jay says reminiscent of his whining days  
  
"Oh fuck you." I say  
  
"Tempting as that sounds Chris I have a boyfriend so," Jay says  
  
"Oh that it." I say and tackle him to the bed and start punching him.  
  
"Now now, remember what happened last time we did this?" He asks pointing to my head, I realize that he is right so I shove him as hard as I can and send him unceremoniously rolling off the bed. After a few muffled curses Jay collects him self from his heap on the floor and rejoins Jeff and I who are now sitting on the bed. I grab the cable guide so we can to decide what to watch and we find Lord of the Rings is on pay per view. It looks cool and we all agree that Orlando Bloom is a hottie so I get up to get the remote from on top of the TV. I turn back around and Jay and Jeff are already cuddled together so I go over to the bed and lay down on my back next to them and Jay wraps his arms around me. This is pretty nice I have to admit. To bad it's just Jay who's arms I'm in. Not that there's anything wrong with him at all but we're just too good of friends for anything ever to happen between us. A little way through the movie I am shocked to hear the door open, Shawn's back.  
  
Oh you thought. Come on did you honestly think that I would put them together like that after everything that's happened? But it is something nice to torture you all with that I can pretty much get them together at any time I want. I hope this part turned out ok because I have honestly been working on it since like November or so. I am not from Australia so forgive me any mess-ups. Now I even know that you don't actually go out on a boat to go on the Great Barrier Reef I think you go in a submarine at some point so sorry about that. 


	15. i'm so tired but i can't sleep

So considering it's been quite a while since I posted last I decided to give you another chapter.  
  
That's weird I expected him to be out with Sylvia pretty much all night. I am relieved beyond words that he's back. "You're back." I said stating the obvious.  
  
"Yeah we were just getting some dinner. I still have to pack and it's an early day tomorrow." Shawn says  
  
"Did things not go well?" I ask. If only he would say no, no things didn't go well because I realized I don't like her I like you my life would be totally perfect.  
  
"It was fine I guess. I mean she is a nice girl and everything, not particularly my type and she lives in Australia and we're going home tomorrow." Shawn says. Evidently he isn't in to doing one-night stands. I have to say that surprises me a little bit considering his nickname.  
  
"Oh. I guess I just expected you to, never mind it's none of my business." I say  
  
"It's not? Then why so interested?" Shawn asks  
  
"I'm not." I say guarded  
  
"You're not? He asks  
  
"No, I mean, why would I be?" I ask  
  
"I don't know why would you be?" Shawn asks with an expression on his face that I can't quite read it's somewhere between extremely interested and confused. I sputter a bit and for the life of me can't answer that question. Because the truth is I am interested because I have a major crush on you Shawn but I can't exactly tell you that. Then Jay steps in and saves me.  
  
"Guys trying to watch a movie here." Jay says. I look at him thankfully.  
  
"Yeah. I wanna see if Frodo is going to be ok after being stabbed. Come join us Shawn." Jeff says. Well, I guess they're helping could only last so long I mean it is Jay and Jeff. I watch Shawn look at us hesitantly then walk slowly toward the bed on my side and stands there for a minute, I can see the nervousness in his eyes. He must know. That's the only explanation that I can think of. But how would he? I guess I haven't been all that discreet. I am more than a little surprised when Shawn actually does quickly climb on to the bed and lay his head on my chest and drape an arm over my waist just above Jays. My heart is beating so hard I would almost think it was going to explode out of my chest, not that that is possible, at least I don't think it is. I need to calm down. It's not really that big of a deal. Not that big of a deal? Shawn just willingly started cuddling me. Maybe he was just worried of what we would think of him if he did join us. I guess the whole thing must be slightly weird for him being straight and all. He probably doesn't understand why I would even be doing this. But me doing this is more easily explained that him doing it. I mean Jay is pretty much my best friend. And Shawn knows Jay is bi so yeah. Ah. Why do I have this incessant need to analyze every little thing? I should be enjoying this for what it's worth because it will probably never happen again. Although it has been happening quite often lately. I can feel the tension radiating off of Shawn, as he lies there obviously not comfortable with this arrangement at all which makes me more than a little disappointed. I run my fingers over his shoulder lightly trying to calm him down. Why did Jeff have to suggest this?  
  
What the hell am I doing? Could I be any less discreet? I'm sure he knows now. But, he was the one all cuddled up with Jay and Jeff when I came in here. We have had this habit of winding up curled up together when we sleep anywhere near each other. And why was he being such an ass hole to Sylvia. He couldn't have been jealous, could he? No, that couldn't have been it could it? Why wouldn't he have just said something? But that would have made the things that have happened between us more than a little weird. Oh god but if that's true then, no, no. That's not it. It can't be. I am imagining all this. I have to be. If I wasn't then it would be ok for me to like him and it's not ok. It's not ok at all I, I, I, how am I supposed to think straight with his fingers lightly running over my shoulders like that. Thinking is an over rated activity anyway. I can't help but relax and I let myself melt against Chris and my mind stops rushing in a million different directions and finds it's way to the movie that's on the TV. Despite my best efforts I can feel my eyes begin to feel heavy. I open my eyes to hear Jay and Jeff moving around. I watch Chris get up and mumble something about seeing them in the morning. Then he comes back and climbs in the bed and slides over next to me and grabs my arm and pulls it over his side. "Did you lock the door?" I ask  
  
"Um hum. Did you set the alarm?" Chris asks sleepily  
  
"Yep." I say through a yawn "Night Chris." I wrap my arm tighter around Chris pulling him closer to me.  
  
"Night." Chris says  
  
Jay and Jeff walk hand in hand down the hall Jay resting his head on Jeff's shoulder. "Did you see those two?" Jay asks "Looks like our plan to avoid them today worked out."  
  
"Yeah I almost hated to wake them up." Jeff says  
  
"Well at least when they're sleeping they admit it." Jay says  
  
"Yeah that's a start. Do you think we should tell Chris?" Jeff asks  
  
"I don't know Jeff. It's not really our place to out Shawn like that. If he wanted Chris to know he would have told him." Jay says opening the door to their hotel. "Besides there is so much baggage along with telling Chris that I really don't think we should."  
  
"Yeah I know, and I don't know if he would believe us if we told him, he has to be blind to not see it already." Jeff says  
  
"Or too afraid to see it." Jay says "We wouldn't know anything about that would we."  
  
Jeff smiles and laughs very slightly "Nope, but the point is we're together now right?" Jeff says lying down on the bed pulling Jay with him so he is laying beside him his arms loosely wrapped around him and he places a kiss on Jay's forehead.  
  
"Yes exactly, in our own time we figured it out and so will they if they are supposed to be together." Jay says "I love you Jeffy, so much."  
  
"I love you too. Now that I finally have you I am never letting you go you realize that don't you?" Jeff says  
  
"I know and believe me I'm not going anywhere anytime soon." Jay says  
  
"Good cause if you ever left I'd have to hunt you down and drag you back, even if you were kicking and screaming all the way." Jeff says  
  
"Oh really and what makes you think you could do that?" Jay asks  
  
"Only years of kicking your ass in the ring." Jeff says playfully.  
  
"Oh you did not just go there." Jay says  
  
"I think I just did. What are you going to do about it bitch?" Jeff says  
  
"Cocky bastard." Jay mutters  
  
"I love you." Jeff says in an innocent voice.  
  
"I love you too now go to sleep." Jay says and moves further into Jeff's arms and rests his head on Jeff's chest and kisses it.  
  
I wake up feeling more safe and warm and secure than I have in my entire life with Shawn's arms wrapped around me and his forehead resting against my shoulder. To bad this is the last time this will ever happen because I mean even if I do have the balls to ask Shawn to room with me we'd be getting a room with double beds so yeah. I'm glad it's only, gees it's only, 5 in the morning I have another 2 hours before we have to get up. I hope I can stay up so I can enjoy this. I want to remember everything about this. Then again maybe I don't. There's no way this means as much to him as it does to me. Why did I ever put myself in this position in the first place? Anyone got anything for a broken heart? God, I thought I felt bad before but there's nothing like having the person you want so close yet still so far away to bring anguish to a whole other level. I feel a tear streaming down my cheek. God I am not doing this. This is crazy. I will not cry over someone who won't fucking cry over me. God this sucks so bad! I almost wish this whole week never happened I would be better off. I knew I liked him before but now I know what I will be missing. I can't take all this. I have to get away from him and it would figure that I have to sit by him on the plane for all that time on the way home. I can't do that I just can't. Jeff will probably kill me for this but I have to have him switch seats with me. I don't know what the hell is the matter with me lately. I've never cried so much in such a short time in my entire life. Well, I did loose the woman I though I loved and any chance at a normal family. Thought I loved? I must be more messed up than I though. I don't LOVE Shawn, do I? OH this is so fucking stupid. It doesn't matter. He's not interested in me. Forget about him. Easier said than done when he's got me in a damn bear hug. I don't even realize that I've fallen back asleep until the alarm is going off. I can't help the twinge disappointment when Shawn let's me go to reach over to turn off the alarm. I roll over to look at him and I can't quite read the look on his face. Then it hits me that last night we willingly slept like this. I know why I did it but I don't really know why he did. Well there goes rooming with him. He's probably really weirded out. Great. I wish I could just ask him what he's thinking but for some reason no words will come out.  
  
"Morning?" Shawn says hesitantly  
  
"Morning." I say carefully. Why did I have to do that last night? I feel horrible. I am such an idiot. Why would I even possibly think that he would actually want to sleep like that with me? And considering the lack of conversation on Shawn's part I'm assuming that I am pretty much out a friend. We arrive at the airport and meet up with the other people on the roster. "Jeff can you please switch me seats on the plane?"  
  
"What? Why?" Jeff asks  
  
"I know, I know what I'm asking I know you want to sit by Jay but please Jeff? It's a long story and I don't ever ask much from you but I'm asking you to do this one thing for me now please, please, please." I ask  
  
"Ok, ok if it means that much to you then alright I'll switch you seats." Jeff says. I really wish he and Jay would stop looking at me like I'm on crack or something. God if only, maybe that would numb me of all these mixed up feelings I've been having lately.  
  
"Thank you. Thank you." I say "And you were getting to be pretty good friends with Shawn before you left so it will be good that you guys get to catch up."  
  
"Oh so that's what this is about." Jay says  
  
"Please don't ok I'm so not in the mood right now." I say  
  
"Ok man sorry." Jay says. I am so relieved. I couldn't stand seeing that look on Shawn again. Oh what the hell! Maybe I am on crack because I have to be hallucinating. I have to be, that's the only way I could possibly be seeing what I'm seeing. I'm going to close my eyes and I'm going to open them again and he won't be there. DAMN! How is Shawn sitting next to me when I specifically switched seats so that I wouldn't have to sit next to him?  
  
"Excuse me." I say and storm over to Jay and Jeff. "You, and you, lot's of pain later, just lot's of pain." I storm back to my seat and shove my stuff in to an overhead compartment and slam it shut and sit down in a huff. This is great this is just great!  
  
Well, that worked out well. I am going to kill them for this. What am I talking about they have no idea how I feel about Chris. How do I feel about Chris? Well he looked fucking terrified this morning when we woke up that's why I was trying to stay away from him, which is something I can't seem to do lately. Somebody hates me. I swear someone hates me. Lord give me strength to make it through this trip I'm gonna need it. He switched seats, which means he was trying to get away from me, never mind I did the same thing. He must be more freaked out than I thought. How could I listen to Jay? I am such an idiot. He did climb back into the bed and get in the same position but he was half asleep so he can't really be held responsible for that. I on the other hand should have known better. I just wanted him close to me one last time, I don't even know why. Aww hell denial's a bitch isn't it? But he doesn't like me I've already established this so it doesn't really matter how I feel. Maybe now that he is freaked out I should just finish the job and have the conversation that I've been avoiding for a while. "So, um, I wonder what movies they'll show this time." Chris says. Or we could avoid the subject completely that's ok with me too.  
  
"I have no idea." I say. This couldn't be more awkward if we tried. I watch him get up and get his bag and stick it under his seat but not before grabbing out his head phones and sticking them over his ears effectively blocking out the world, especially me. Man what did I do. This is going to be the longest plane ride of my life. I'd almost give my right eye to just have it be over with now. At least they are showing Batman Forever, which is a pretty good movie. Chris buys some headphones for himself not even bothering to look at me. God this is awful. I get up and squeeze my way past him not really knowing where I'm gonna go just knowing that I can't sit there for another second. I wind up in the bathroom. "I don't know what I'm gonna do. This is all my fault." I turn on the cold water and watch it fall into my cupped hands then splash it on my face. I have to get a hold of myself because this is getting ridiculous. I refuse to let myself drowned in self-pity. I mean sure, I probably lost all chances of even being friends with Chris but hell, I didn't even know I wanted him as a friend with him until, until what? I guess the correct answer to that question would be until I didn't want him as a "friend". No, that's not it, that's not it, that's not it. But there's not much I can do about it now anyways I guess. And for the eighty millionth time he doesn't like me anyway so it doesn't really matter what I want. But what do I want? DAMNIT! I can do this, I can do this. Ok. I go and sit back in my seat and immerse myself in the world of Gotham City. Then for the rest of the trip I pretend to be asleep to let Chris off the hook. The second the plane stops he is up out of his seat grabbing his stuff and he practically runs off the plane. Great, just great. I really fucked this one up. Well I don't especially want to be around him right now either I guess. It's way to weird. And if it's weird for me then it's got to be super weird to him. After a few minutes I stand up and grab my stuff and slowly make my way off the plane. I feel a hand on my shoulder and I jump about three feet in the air. "Oh Jesus Christ!"  
  
"Sorry man, I yelled your name at least 5 times." Kevin says "Anyways Stephanie's gonna be around this week do you wanna stay with me this time?"  
  
"I don't know Kev. I think I just wanna be by myself at least for tonight." I say  
  
"What the hell happened, what's wrong?" Kevin asks as he follows my gaze, which happens to be locked on Chris at the moment. "Oh I see."  
  
"No, I mean," I sigh "I don't know." I say  
  
"Wow, you really do like him don't you?" Kevin asks. I just look down and walk away in a fog. I only sort of remember the ride to the hotel. Now I am lying on the bed with no real recollection of how I got here. I would turn on the TV but I kind of like the peace and quiet. I need serenity. In a place where I can hide I need serenity. Nothing changes days go by. Where do we go when you just don't know? And how do we relight the flame when it's cold? Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing and when will we learn to control. Godsmack lyrics. Godsmack lyrics? Really? Not my normal choice of music, I really must be hanging around Chris too much. Why does everything come back to him lately? Damn it. I wish I could forget about him already. But how can I? Easier said than done. Wow, I've been lying here longer than I though. I should be so jet lagged why can't I sleep? I never had any problems this past week. This past week when, when I was sleeping in the same bed as Chris. That can't be the problem can it? I mean, that would be crazy. I do have to admit that it was nice to be like that again. Have someone there when you go to bed at night and when you wake up in the morning. I have to say I almost forgot how nice that is. Maybe I got used to it again. Maybe I could just go down his room and, and what? Say I can sleep with out you next to me? That would be so stupid. I can't do that. I think I do need to go for a walk though. I get up and grab my keys and head out of my door. I walk through the hallways my eyes never leaving my feet. I finally look up and notice where I am. I'm in front of Chris's room. How did I wind up here? I walk closer to the door and let my fingers run over the numbers. Well what do I do now? I mean, I'm here should I knock? I mean it's really late but hell I'm up he might still be.  
  
I'm so tired but I can't sleep. I've heard that before somewhere. I think it's from a song or something. Great I've been reduced to having unknown song lyrics going through my mind. At least I think they are song lyrics. I don't know, I don't know anything anymore. The whole plane ride is a blur for me. I only vaguely remember being asked by Jay and Jeff if I wanted to stay with them and telling them no. I couldn't take being around them right now. Not with them being so happy together. Not right now. With the whole thing with Jessica and now the big mess that has been my past few weeks with Shawn it would have just hurt to bad. Shawn. I can't stop thinking about him as much as I wish I could. I will never forget how it felt to wake up next to him to feel his arms around me, my arms around him. What am I getting at here? That couldn't be the problem could it? There's no way I've become so dependent on Shawn that I can't sleep with out him around. It is amazing how used to something you can get even in as short of a time as a week. I thrash my arms and legs around kicking the covers off me. FUCK! In one quick movement I am out of bed and I begin to pace back and forth across the room. God damnit! Can't fucking sleep. Only been up for god knows how long I should be tired but NO! Son of a bitch! Something makes me stop near the door. The crazy thing is I swear Shawn is near by. But there's no way, he's probably in his hotel room asleep like I should be. I start to walk back across the room and turn around and walk back after only a few steps why can't I shake the feeling that he's near by then. I reach out and put my hand on the doorknob.  
  
Dun dun dun (evil music) will Shawn knock? Will Chris open the door and find Shawn standing there. Guess you'll have to keep reading to find out. I hope to post soon but I have a crap load of homework this weekend and LSATs to take next weekend so I have some major prepping to do. But I'll try my best. 


	16. staring at the ceiling making friends wi...

I'm sooo sorry for not updating this lately. It's been crazy for me. And I took the LSAT's on Saturday so I've been slightly preoccupied but I'm back with a vengeance baby. Don't mind this chapter to much because the idea first came to me as a joke and in my brain fried state I decided to use it. So this is basically for my own comedic enjoyment. So if this sucks I'm sorry. ________________________________________________________________________  
  
As soon as I touch it I recoil. What, what am I thinking, that Shawn will be standing there when I open the door. For what? To tell me that he can't sleep with out me either? That he likes me as much as I like him? God I must be loosing it. It's the lack of sleep talking, it must be. I shake my head and walk back and sit down on the bed. I gotta get some sleep. I lay down. Well I guess I could start counting backwards from 100 that tends to put you to sleep I think. 100, 99,98,97,96,95..6,5,4,3,2,1. Well that didn't work. I guess there always the mini bar.  
  
Knock? I must be crazy. I already decided I wouldn't know what to say to Chris if I did. And he's probably sleeping, like should be. After the way he was acting earlier I'm sure he'd be really thrilled with me if I woke him up in the middle of the night for no reason. Oh yeah. Shawn what are you doing here? I, I don't know. That would be just great. But I do have this funny feeling that I should knock. I must be nuts. I have in fact officially lost it. I need to go to bed. So have made my way back to my room and have been laying here for another two hours. I can't believe this. I can't believe I actually wound up at his door. What if he had heard me? I don't even want to think about that. Could I please stop thinking about Chris for two seconds? Is that too much to ask? Well I might as well see what's on TV considering I don't see myself getting any sleep any time soon. Ah Insomnia, how ironic. Forget that. I reach over to the side of my bed and pull out the one thing that every hotel has, a bible. I didn't read it at all last week. It just felt like a strange thing to do in front of Chris for some reason. The New Testament is my favorite. Well this isn't working either, I am now all the way through Matthew and Mark and moving nicely through Luke and still not tired. Damn it! Should I be swearing while reading the bible? I guess probably not. I throw the book on the table in a heap. Where is my walk man? Music that's what I need. Music. I soon find my walk man and am back in bed I turn it on and push play. I shake my head. It's the Weezer CD that I borrowed from Chris. Well that means that I do in fact have to talk to him to give it back. I smile and laugh lightly when I get to the song El Schorcho. If Chris had any idea of the irony of that song. Maybe you're scared to say I'm falling for you? If that doesn't fit I don't know what does.  
  
Well it's now been 3 days, 12 hours, 19 minutes and 23,24,25,26 seconds since I slept last but who's counting. Who cares anyway? Who needs sleep, I don't need sleep. I'm fine. I've never been better. Work. Time to go to work. In fact I think I'll ask Vince if I can do an iron man match. I could even do two or three. Key, I need my keys. Ah hell I'll walk, no run it's only 5 miles. Gee maybe that sixth cup of coffee wasn't such a good idea. But I need it. I would be really hurting now if I didn't drink it. Besides I don't think that it's the coffee so much as it is the sugar that I put in it, I don't really in fact like coffee so much so I have to drown out the taste a little. Know what, I think it's actually been longer than that since I've slept because we were in Australia and the time difference is so much that it's really been, um, oh who can remember that anyway I couldn't keep track of that when I was actually there. I flip open my cell phone. "Hi yes could you call me a cab please. Thanks" I say and grab my bag with my ring gear in it and run down the stairs and out the doors and wait for my cab. After about 5 minutes of pacing my cab gets there but for some reason it's really hard to sit still long enough to get to the arena. I never did like car rides any way. I get out when we get to the arena and throw some money in the front seat and run into the arena and head to the locker room. I sit down on the bench and start looking around taking in my surroundings. "Hey don't I know you? Yeah I thought so. It's been a while since I've taken history. You know in every history class I took I always rooted for the south but the north one every time. How did it fell to sign your surrender on your own property? Yeah I can believe that. Well no we didn't exactly learn from that war. Well because there's been 3 more actually wars and two "conflicts"." I say and I get distracted by Jay and Jeff walking into the room. "Hey guys. Look who it is."  
  
"Who what is?" Jay asks  
  
"It's General Lee stupid. Don't you remember anything from school? Well I guess you do get dropped on your head for a living. But then again so do I." I say  
  
"General Lee as in Robert E." Jeff asks  
  
"Yeah." I say sarcastically. Couldn't they see him he was standing right there.  
  
"Chris you haven't slept again have you?" Jay asks  
  
"What does that have to do with anything? I'm sorry General, I'm being so rude they were just leaving. Do you mind guys I'm trying to have a conversation here?" I say  
  
"With General Lee?" Jeff asks  
  
"Yeah do you see anyone else in here?" I ask  
  
"Well, um, no." Jeff says. "I'm sorry we'll go."  
  
"I think I'm going to go get the car." Jay says  
  
"Yeah he shouldn't be here." Jeff says. "Vince is going to flip. General Lee?"  
  
"I have no idea your guess would be as good as mine." Jay says  
  
So move already. Damn that was a good move. Well let him try this on for size. Bishop to E 5. Ha. Shit I just lost my pawn. I can't concentrate hard enough. I haven't slept still since Australia so that doesn't help. That's probably why this fucker challenged me. I'm seriously messed up right now I'm living on adrenaline and coffee. Not to mention I've drained my mini bar twice in the past three nights. I must say being away to feel the alcohol actually wear off and the hang over come on isn't so much fun. Damn I lost another pawn mind on the game Shawn mind on the game. I hear the door open and I notice that Kevin has walked in. "Hey Shawn." Kevin says  
  
"Hey." I say  
  
"Sleep any yet?" he asks  
  
"Nope but it's fine. I don't need sleep." I say  
  
"Spoken like someone who needs sleep." Kevin says  
  
"Whatever, hold on a second. Rook to D 7." I say  
  
"What are you doing?" Kevin asks  
  
"What do you mean what am I doing? What does it look like I'm doing." I say  
  
"I, I don't know." Kevin says  
  
"I'm playing chess nimrod." I wave my hand out over my head pointing at the chessboard.  
  
"Oh yeah of course you are." Kevin says  
  
"Shit. I just lost one of my knights. Thanks a lot Kevin. He put you up to this didn't he? He told you to come in here to distract me didn't he? Would you get out of here so I can concentrate?" I say I watch him walk out of the door. Good. I haven't actually played chess in a while so I'm surprised that remember how to play at all. Most of the guys around here are into video games not old school board ones. Well at least when I am playing chess I can't think about Chris. He hasn't looked so good these past few days either. I can't help thinking that it's all my fault. I mean I am the one that scared the hell out of him by curling up to him while watching that movie and staying there. I've been trying to avoid him hoping that would help some. I don't know if it's doing either one of us any good at this point though. I just don't know if I can bring myself to tell him everything, and I know I would too because that's pretty much what I do. I know once that subject was started the floodgates would open and I couldn't stop and I really don't feel like drudging up that part of my past with him. There is a reason I don't tell people. I can't stand the look on peoples faces when they find out. I couldn't stand it if Chris looked at me like that. Oh yeah I'm about to take your queen you bastard.  
  
Kevin walks out of Shawn's locker room and leans back against the door. He didn't know what was going on with his friend since Australia but he knew that it wasn't good. He had tried to get out of him what had happened but Shawn wouldn't tell. Now he wasn't sleeping and sitting there playing imaginary chess games on Kevin could only suppose the ceiling. At least he thought so. He saw Jeff walking toward him down the hallway. "Hey Jeff could you do me a favor." Kevin asked  
  
"Sure." Jeff said "But what ever it is make it quick. Jay and I need to get Chris back to the hotel."  
  
"Could you poke your head in Shawn's room and tell me what he's doing." Kevin asks. Jeff opens the door and looks inside.  
  
"Check mate! Ha! Who's the Show stopper? Me. Who's the main event? Me." Shawn says  
  
"Well Kev. he seems to be playing chess but," Jeff says confused.  
  
"But there's no one else in their and no chess board." Kevin finishes "Ok I was just making sure that I wasn't seeing things too. Shawn hasn't slept since he was in Australia and he's starting to become delusional and playing chess on the ceiling. I should get him out of here too."  
  
"Yeah you got it easy. Chris was having a conversation with General Lee." Jeff says "I don't think he's slept since Australia either."  
  
"General Lee?" Kevin asks  
  
"Yeah, your guess is as good as mine. The not sleeping thing is getting to him too. Why don't you get Shawn and we all get them out of here." Jeff says  
  
"Yeah, yeah good idea." Kevin says as he walks back in to the room with Shawn. "Hey Shawn, I forgot something at the hotel room, will you come back with me to get it I don't want to face the mobs alone."  
  
"Yeah sure I was done with this clown anyway." Shawn says "A rematch, any time any place. You think I'm scared of you?"  
  
"Um, Shawn, I hate to break it to you, but there's no one in here." Kevin says  
  
"Of course there is idiot. You do you think I was playing chess with? He's standing right there." Shawn says  
  
"No, no "he's" not, look can we just go." Kevin says  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I want to say hi to Herb anyway." Shawn says  
  
"Herb? Dare I even ask?" Kevin asks  
  
"He's this really cool guy that I met in the hotel last night." Shawn says  
  
"Oh really." Kevin said thinking that it was the first normal thing Shawn had said all day.  
  
"Yeah we talked about all the stuff that's been going on with me lately and he told me all about his wife and kids." Shawn says  
  
"Oh." Kevin says  
  
"Yeah I don't know how he does it 40 kids. Wow." Shawn says  
  
"40 kids?!" Kevin says  
  
"Yeah that's not even that many for a spider." Shawn says  
  
"A spider? Herb is a spider you were talking to a spider." Kevin said shaking his head  
  
"Yeah well he was much more interesting than Bob the beside table. And a lot nicer too, he asked me if I wanted to be webbed into the room because of how I was feeling but I told him no that's ok. Bob just kept complaining about people putting heavy stuff on him and shutting his drawers to hard." Shawn says  
  
"Ok! Let's go Shawn." Kevin says and he grabs Shawn by the shirt and drags him through the hallway and out to Jay's car and opens the door and tosses him unceremoniously into the back seat with Jeff and Chris. They take off and start back to the hotel.  
  
"Chris!" said Shawn  
  
"Hey Shawn. How are you?" Chris says and the two shake hands and pull into a hug.  
  
"I'm great." Shawn says  
  
"Dude you will never believe who I just talked to." Chris says  
  
"Who?" Shawn asks  
  
"General Lee!" Chris says  
  
"Really! Sweet!" Shawn says  
  
"Yeah he was really cool." Chris says the two continue to talk to each other a mile a minute as Jeff glares at Jay and Kevin, who are sitting in the front seat trying not to laugh, for leaving him in the back seat with the two walking chatty Kathy dolls sitting next to him.  
  
"Do you think either of them realize that General Lee is dead?" Kevin asks  
  
"I have no idea." Jay says  
  
"Babe can you please put on some music. As funny as this is, if I have to listen to them I might actually start to believe General Lee was in fact in Chris's locker room." Jeff pleads  
  
"Sure. You know I could never deny you anything." Jay jokes  
  
"I did not need to hear that." Kevin says and Jay gets out his CD case from the center consol and flips through them until he finds the one he wants and put it in and turns it up slightly hoping Chris and Shawn will take the hint and stop talking. But they don't. He had decided on Nirvana Unplugged in New York hoping its mellow music could calm them down. He and Kevin started talking about their matches for that night. "Christian" had a match against "Booker T", again, for the Intercontinental Championship and Kevin was in full feud with "HHH". Jay knew this had to strike a nerve with Jeff because he wasn't going to be coming back fro a few more months and Jay knew how much he missed it.  
  
"I can't wait to get back in the ring." Jeff says. "I don't know why I ever left."  
  
"Me neither, the day you left has to be one of the worst in my entire life." Jay says  
  
"Yeah he was a pretty big depressed bastard for a while according to Shawn." Kevin says.  
  
"Really?" Jeff asks "Jay you never talk me that. You really missed me that much?"  
  
"Are you kidding? Of course I did." Jay said. "I don't ever want to feel like that again."  
  
"Don't worry you won't have to." Jeff says  
  
"Oh that was so cute I think I might barf." Kevin says  
  
"Don't even tell me that you don't love your wife the same way. I see how you look at her." Jay says and watches Kevin's face light up. "See I told you. You try to be all tough and stuff but your eyes betray you."  
  
"Ok Shawn we're here." Kevin says and when he gets no response it suddenly hit's him that suddenly hit's him that Chris and Shawn actually stopped talking a while ago.  
  
"They've been out pretty much since Jay put on the music." Jeff says smirking  
  
"Gee I bet you a million bucks I know why Chris can sleep now." Jay says  
  
"Yeah I know." Jeff says sarcastically then they both look at Kevin realizing he was still in the car and had heard what they said. "Oops."  
  
"What do you guys know?" Kevin asks with a raised eyebrow  
  
"I don't know what do you know?" Jay asks cautiously  
  
"I don't know, what do you know?" Kevin asks.  
  
"Well do you know what I know?" Jay ask  
  
"I might know what you know," Kevin says "Does what you know have something to do with one of the people who isn't awake to hear this conversation?"  
  
"Well we might know something about one of them." Jeff says  
  
"Well guys I have an idea." Kevin says  
  
What's Kevin's Idea? Guess you'll just have to way till probably tomorrow or the next day to find out. Oh and if you want to know where chess on the ceiling came from or the General Lee thing just ask. 


	17. we could end up saying thing's we've alw...

Finally I'm updating! Sorry it's been so long I hope you all didn't forget about me! My scoliosis (curvature of the spine) which I knew I had but didn't know that it could cause me some problems or that it was as bad as it is, was acting up and my ribs were compensating for the curve and separated to the point the doctor was making sure they weren't broken. Needless to say I've been in some severe back pain and sitting at my computer has been nearly impossible. But never fear the chiropractor has made me feel a lot better so I will be updating more often again. ________________________________________________________________________  
  
My mind comes out of its groggy state and I lay there with out opening my eyes. Oh thank the Lord I must have finally fallen asleep. The past few days are pretty hazy to me and I can only remember bits and pieces. I think I was actually having a conversation with General Lee the last I remember. I chuckle slightly of all people General Lee. You know something is wrong with you when you start talking to a figment imagination but you have completely lost it when it actually starts talking back. I open my eyes and scream. Shawn's face is about 3 inches from my own. We both jump out of the bed. "What the hell are you doing here?" I ask  
  
"Me!" Shawn yells and looks around "This is my room what the hell are YOU doing here."  
  
"Oh, right." I say and sit back down on the bed dumbfounded. "I honestly have no idea what I'm doing here. But I'm guessing I know someone who can tell me." I reach for the dresser and pick up my cell phone and walk into the bathroom. I dial the all to familiar number. "Alright fucker start talking and you better make it good. Why am I in Shawn's room?"  
  
"Hey Chris." Jay says cheerfully "I was wondering when you would wake up."  
  
"Don't play nice with me why am I in Chris's room. And wondering when I would wake up? What time is it anyway?" I ask  
  
"Well you're in Chris room because you passed out in the car and so did he after not sleeping for close to 4 days and the elevator was broken and we had a hard enough time getting you to the second floor let alone going up to your room on the fourth. As for your other question it's about 3." Jay says  
  
"In the morning?" I ask  
  
"No in the afternoon." Jay says  
  
"That means I've been sleeping for like," I say and Jay cuts me off  
  
"18 hours or so." Jay finishes.  
  
"Good god." I say and shut the lid to the toilet and sit down on the lid.  
  
"Well that's what you get for not sleeping all that time, you were starting to drive us batty. There is one way to fix that you know." Jay says  
  
"How's that?" I ask not really sure where he's going with all this.  
  
"Well you seem to sleep pretty good when you're with Shawn." Jay says slowly. I just sit there not really knowing what to say. "What no shut the hell up Jay or some other smart ass comment?"  
  
"You're right." I say honestly  
  
"I'm what?" Jay says sounding shocked  
  
"Yeah, now don't go getting used to it or anything but you're right. That's why I have to leave." I say  
  
"What!" Jay yells  
  
"Calm down, just for a few days. I need to get my head on straight. I can't keep doing this to myself and it's getting harder and harder to control with him around all the time." I say. God how pathetic. How could I get so attached to someone who I wasn't even with? I don't know but it happened. Or maybe I do know but just attempting to kid myself.  
  
"Ok, where you going to go." Jay asks. What a good question Jay I hadn't thought about that myself. I can't go home because Jessica's there and she doesn't want to see me. Even I'm not desperate enough to go to my parents. Besides Shawn's there too in a matter of speaking. In posters on the walls and old magazines and stuff that I used to have and are still there because my room there is the same as I left it when I was 17.  
  
"I don't know, I think I'm just going to rent a car and go somewhere, I need to be anywhere but here right now."  
  
"Ok, well I'll see you when I see you I guess." Jay says  
  
"Yeah." I say and flip my cell phone shut. I get up and walk out and find Shawn lounging on his bed watching what I think is the Real World, Road Rules challenge of all things. "Ok." Shawn just shrugs.  
  
"I've kind of always wanted to be on one of these shows." Shawn says and I just laugh "What? It's not that funny." I notice Shawn has his cell phone in his lap and I can only assume that he called Kevin who I now remember was also in the car and had probably been filled in on why I ended up in his bed.  
  
"So I'm guessing you know what happened?" I ask  
  
"Yeah Kevin told me." Shawn says  
  
"I'm really sorry about this." I say hoping he doesn't think I had anything to do with winding up in here.  
  
"It's no big deal. I'm sorry I over reacted, I guess it's not like we haven't shared a bed before." Shawn says nonchalantly. How could he possibly be so calm about this? He can sit there and act like the fact that I can't sleep with out him isn't a big deal. Maybe because he doesn't know about that stupid.  
  
"Yeah well I'm gonna go. Actually I'm gonna see about getting a few days off so I'll see you when I come back I guess." I say. I see a flash of what looks like sadness flash over Shawn's face but as soon as I see it it's gone again. It must not have been sadness I mean why would he be upset about me not being around for a few days.  
  
"Oh, ok well have fun I guess." Shawn says. "Chris are we ok?" Wow. I can't, I mean I don't, I.  
  
"Yeah Shawn we're fine, just fine." I say dryly and walk out of the door. Yeah just fine that's why I just lied to you. God what the hell am I gonna do. At first I kind of liked having these feelings for Shawn it gave me something to look forward to going to work for. Now I just want it to go away. This is all so stupid! I'm not 15 any more. I should be beyond pining away for someone who doesn't want to be with me, or in my case two someones. Not that I've thought about Jessica a whole lot lately anyway. Yeah this definitely has to stop. Frustrated I take the remaining stuff I don't have in my suitcase and start violently throwing them inside it. Then I stop suddenly when I realize that the shirt that is now in my hand isn't mine, and if it's not mine it could only belong one person. I take it and throw it against the wall which only fuels my little temper fit. I think the rest of my clothes need to join that lonely shirt, I let out a yell and pick up my suitcase and throw it at the wall and it hits it with a loud thud scattering my clothes over the floor. After a few moments to calm down I sink to the floor what's wrong with me? I solemnly get up and walk slowly over to where my close where I sink down again unable to hold myself up and slowly put my things back in my suitcase. Kind of ironic I guess that these next few days are going to be used to put back together my life and now I am sitting here putting back together my suitcase. I look again at the menacing shirt that caused this whole mess and throw it on top of all my other things and slam the lid shut. I get in my rental car and drive until it gets hard to keep my eyes open and find myself a hotel that has a vacancy sign, one of those green neon ones that the v, a, c and y are burned out. Great. Why even when I was tired can I not sleep? I have been laying on the bed for about 2 hours now in the dark in the silence. I would have put on the TV but there isn't a remote and the power button is broken off and I couldn't bring myself to stick my finger in the space to see if there was actually still some way to turn it on. I would go ask the toothless wonder at the front desk if he could fix it but something tells me it's beyond him so I just lay here. I can't believe this is happening again. I get up and go over to my suitcase open it and rummage around for my CD player and I come across Shawn's shirt. An idea creeps into my head and I can't decide what's crazier the idea itself or me for actually thinking about doing it. Oh man I'm gonna kick my own ass for this. I grab the shirt and the CD that I want and go lay back down. I put in the CD and take the shirt and hold it close to me. Next thing I know I woken up by a beam of light that seems to be beaming directly into my brain. I open my eyes and look at the clock. 10:07. I look down and I still have the shirt held up against my chest by my one arm. God I'm pathetic.  
  
Are we ok? Are we ok? What the hell was I thinking asking Chris that? I have been agonizing that over the past 2 days and I'm still not any closer to an answer than I was then. I guess I just wanted to make sure that he wasn't leaving because of me. And the way he said we were fine, makes me think he did. I could have killed Kevin for putting us in that room together. I can't stand it anymore. Waking up with him like that it brings back a lot of memories that I don't want to have. But that was probably the best time in my entire life I should want to feel like that again. But I'm so afraid to let someone in like that after what happened. Why is this so hard for me? Especially since Chris left. I thought it was hard with him here. It's murder with out him. I've had this dull ache that just won't go away no matter what I do. I just want to talk to him again, to hear his voice and his laugh. And I'm really beginning to be worried, no one has heard from him. I really hope he's ok. I get off the bed that I haven't left since yesterday when I got home from the arena and walk into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. God I look like hell. My eyes look bloodshot and they have some nice dark circles under them. And to top it off I think I've been loosing weight lately considering I haven't been all that hungry. I don't know why any of this is happening. I don't know what's the matter with me. I sigh, or maybe I do. I hear a knock at the door. I don't bother going to get it I don't really feel like being around people right now. Great Shawn, you feel like shit for some reason you can't explain and you retreat in to yourself bottling everything up, because that always helps. Dumb ass. Chalk another one up for the emotionally retarded. But I'm not alone much longer because the person realizes the door is open and comes in. "Hey Shawn you ready?" Kevin asks  
  
"Ready?" I ask  
  
"Yeah we're supposed to be at the arena in 15 minutes. For work. You know work? The reason were here? Why are you not dressed?" Kevin says  
  
"I'm not?" I ask and look down at myself and I'm still in my pajama pants. "I don't know just give me a minute." Then I start to gather my ring gear and put it in my bag.  
  
"You're not even packed, Jesus what have you been doing yesterday. Well I'm guessing by the way you look not sleeping or showering." Kevin says  
  
"No I slept, a little." I say. Kevin just sighs and shakes his head at me as we walk out the door and head to the arena. It would figure it is raining the weather has decided to match my mood. When we get there I get out and grab my stuff and walk into the arena with out waiting for Kevin. I walk to the locker room stuck in my fog I think I notice people trying to talk to me but I'm not sure. I sit down on the bench and put my head in my hands. I just want this feeling to go away. Why can't I snap out of this? I close my eyes and stay like that for a long time listening to the other guys come in and out of the room and their idle chitchat. I actually am startled when someone comes up to talk to me. It's Randy.  
  
"Hey Shawn, I'm really excited to be getting in the ring with you tonight. You are one of the greats and it's an honor to even be remotely considered good enough to go up against you." Randy says  
  
"Yeah sure, whatever kid" I say. I hope he gets the point that I am not really in the mood to talk right now given the fact that he isn't sitting next to me anymore I'd say that was a yes. I hear Kevin mutter some kind of an apology to him for me telling him that I haven't been myself lately. "Don't apologize for me."  
  
"Well somebody had to you were just a total ass hole to Randy for no reason. He was just trying to give you a complement what the hell is the matter with you man?"  
  
"Maybe I don't want complements from him! Nothings the matter with me alright I'M FINE!" I yell and slam my hand down on the bench for emphasis.  
  
"Well your match is the one after this so if you're so fine then why aren't you dressed." Kevin asks and I look down at myself and realize that he's right and mutter a curse. "Are you going to be alright to go out there maybe you should..."  
  
"I said I'm fine. I've wrestled with a pretty much broken back I can damn sure wrestle with whatever the hell is the matter with me now." I say and walk out to do my match and it would just fucking figure I had to job to that third generation pain in the ass tonight. God there really is something the matter with me Randy is a good kid. Way more talented than they give him credit for. Granted his mike skills could use a little work but you know that always takes some time. The match is probably one of the worst in my entire life. I go back to my spot on the bench letting myself swim in the pain my back was in at least it was a different pain to concentrate on for a while and it only seems right that I should actually be in physical pain at this point.  
  
"What the hell were you doing out there trying to kill us both?" I look up and see a furious Randy Orton staring down at me he continues on for a few minutes I know he's saying something but I honestly have no idea what. "Shawn are you alright? It's it your back? Do you want me to get someone?" Then Kevin walks in him and Randy talk for a minute talking about whether they should do with me.  
  
"Would you guys please stop talking about me like I'm not in the room." I ask in a small voice.  
  
"What the hell is going on with you? What was that out there?" Kevin asks  
  
"I don't know, I don't know." I say  
  
"Randy um could you leave us?" Kevin asks Randy just nods and backs his way out of the room.  
  
"So what's going on with you?" Kevin asks  
  
"Just leave me alone." I say  
  
"Damn it! Fine, fine" Kevin says and picks up Tommy Dreamers keno stick "We can either fix your problem the easy way and talk about it or we can do it the hard way." And he swings the stick and it cracks against the lockers the noise echoing through out the locker room "Now what's it gonna be!"  
  
"SCREW YOU!" I say and throw my open water bottle at him spattering water across the room and over the wall as it hit it. Kevin growls in frustration and throws down the stick and storms over to the door. He opens the door. "I miss Chris." I watch Kevin stand there with his hand on the door taking in what I just said probably trying to figure out the right thing to do about it. He closes it and turns around with an unreadable expression on his face.  
  
"What did you just say?" Kevin asks.  
  
"I said I miss Chris. Kevin why do I miss Chris?" I say I feel my cheeks suddenly feeling flushed.  
  
"I don't know Shawn maybe because you like him?" Kevin says  
  
"Well yeah I like him he's my friend." I say and Kevin just rolls his eyes at me. "But I mean it's not the same. I mean you're my friend and sure I miss you a little when you're not around but it's not like this."  
  
"Um hum." Kevin says  
  
"And I feel like I don't know what I'm doing and I'm walking around in some sort of fog..." I say  
  
"Um hum." Kevin says  
  
"Everything is harder to do and I feel like I'm walking around with an extra weight on me..." I say  
  
"Um hum." Kevin says  
  
"And I have this pain that won't go away no matter what I do and it's not really anything particular wrong with me but at the same time it's everything, and it almost feels like something's missing. I mean god, I haven't felt this way since...since...since...oh my god...no, no, it can't be, I can't...no...Chris can stay away as long as he wants. He needs to stay away." I get up and rush out of the room and I can vaguely hear Kevin yelling something after me but I don't pay attention to what. I just need to get away from there so I run. I run until I feel like my lungs are going to explode. I needed to get out of there, to get away from the realization that I just had but I can't escape it no matter how far I run. Everything just hit me at once. What I almost said...I haven't felt that way since...but I was in love with him...and that would mean...no, no this can't be happening. I won't let it happen. I am NOT in love with Chris.  
  
Well whoever said absence makes the heart grow fonder is so getting their ass kicked! I thought it was hard being around Shawn. It's not any better being away from him. I can't get him out of my head no matter what I do. Guess that's why I'm going back. Well I couldn't avoid work forever anyway. I figure I need to hear the crowd; maybe it will cheer me up. Plus I need to be around people again. I can't take being alone with my thoughts anymore. I'm beginning to get that my life is a country song feeling once again. Maybe that's because I drove until I hit Texas and that's where I decided to turn around and country music is pretty much all that would come in on the radio. I get checked into the hotel where the guys are staying and I go quickly to my room not really wanting to run into Shawn. That would be just my luck. I'm not in my room for 5 minutes when my cell phone rings. "Hello?" I say  
  
"Hey stranger. Haven't heard from you in a while. Just checking to make sure you're still alive." Jay says  
  
"Yeah unfortunately. I just got into the hotel where you guys are." I say  
  
"Oh well we going ice skating you should come with us." Jay says.  
  
"Yeah sure why not. I'll meet you down in the lobby." I say. I love ice- skating. My dad taught me when I was a kid. We used to spend hours out on the ice playing hockey. Watching him play for the rangers was one of my favorite childhood memories even though I was only just old enough to remember. And when we moved to Canada my friends and I would play hockey every day after school during the winter. I haven't had much time to be on the ice lately so it will be good to be back out there. And it will give me something active to do to keep my mind off Shawn. So I throw my stuff on the bed and head back out the door and down to the lobby where Jay, Jeff, Rob, Shane, Trish and Stacy are waiting for me. "Hey guys." I walk up and Jay comes over and gives me a hug.  
  
"Hey, so how was your little vacation?" Jay asks  
  
"It was alright." I say and run my hand under my hair rubbing my neck.  
  
"Where did you go?" Jeff asks  
  
"Oh I don't know I just kind of drove I ended up in Texas before I decided I needed to turn around to get back in time." I say  
  
"Texas huh?" Jay asks playfully  
  
"Not funny. Can we just go?" We get into a cab and head to the ice rink that they had picked out we walk in and my smile is replaced with a scowl. What exactly are they trying to pull anyway? Are they trying to kill me or just rip my heart out, which I guess in the end would accomplish the same thing. Because there, sitting on a bench, is Shawn putting on skates along with the rest of the kliq. I pull Jay aside and attempt to make him stop walking but he doesn't. "What the hell is he doing here?"  
  
"Oh I don't know. I invited everyone so I guess more people decided to come than I though." Jay says and winks at me.  
  
"I can't stay here." I say and Jay continues to drag me toward the others "I don't want to, you can't make me just let me...Hi!"  
  
Shawn looks up at the sound of my voice and looks about as surprised as I am "Hi, you're back." He says with a slight smile creeping over his face.  
  
"Yeah just. Now I got dragged here." I say  
  
"Oh well I guess I'll see you out there." Shawn says and walks wobbly over to the opening to get out on the ice.  
  
"See that wasn't so bad was it?" Jay asks once Shawn is out of hearing distance.  
  
"Fuck you! You knew he was coming and you made me come on purpose." I say in a quiet yell.  
  
"Relax ok I already told you I didn't know he was coming ok? And now that your hear you might as well enjoy yourself." Jay says then he looks at me with a weird expression on his face. I guess that's because my eyes haven't left Shawn yet even while lacing my own skates and the color must have drained from my face because he just fell.  
  
"Shit. Shawn just fell." I say. Oh God with his back...I feel my body get up and walk over out on to the ice and skate over to him despite my minds protests against it. I can't believe I'm doing this. The one person I wanted to avoid and I'm headed straight over to him. "Are you ok?" I ask and extend my hand out to help him up. He looks up at me in surprise.  
  
"Go away." He mutters  
  
"Shawn you can't just sit here on the ice." I say  
  
"Oh yes I damn well can. I don't need to make any more of a jerk of myself than I already have thank you very much." Shawn says frowning and crosses his arms across his chest.  
  
"At least let me help you up." I say and Shawn looks at me for a minute and finally reaches out his hand and I grab it and help him up and he slide into me slipping a little and I catch him as he falls against me. It's a good thing it's cold in here or the feeling of him being pressed up against me like that would be causing a problem at this point.  
  
"Sorry." Shawn says quickly and tries to back up but starts to fall again and I grab his waist steadying him.  
  
"Whoa, you can't skate can you?" I ask  
  
"I'm from Texas do you think I know how to ice skate? The only ice that Texas has at all comes from our freezers." Shawn says sarcastically  
  
"Oh." God I can't believe I'm gonna do this "Give me your hands." I say  
  
Shawn raises and eyebrow at me and says "What?"  
  
"I'm gonna help you skate." I say. Why do I put myself in these situations? Am I really going to be able to handle holding his hands? I guess I'm going to find out. "Come on." I take his hands in mine and start to skate backwards taking him with me. Even through gloved hands I still feel tingles just from touching his hands in the most innocent of fashions. Oh this is going to be a long day. I can see the fright on Shawn's face start to fade after a lap. "See this isn't so bad is it?"  
  
"Um no I, I guess not." Shawn says. He seems very distracted by something. He is continuously looking down at his feet.  
  
"It helps if you look out over the ice." I say matter of factly. He looks up at me and for a second I can't stop staring into his eyes. Maybe telling him that was a bad idea, in fact helping him was a bad idea. I should just leave and get far away from here, from him. But I can't seem to let go of his hands now that they're in mine. Him depending on me, it's a nice feeling. "See you're doing just fine." I reluctantly go to let go of his hands and he grips them tighter.  
  
"Whoa, what are you doing? You can't leave me!" Shawn says in almost a panic "I mean I can't do this by myself yet."  
  
"It's ok I'm not going anywhere if you don't want me too." I say in a soothing voice.  
  
"I don't want you to." Shawn says.  
  
"Ok." I say and smile at him. I let go of his one hand so I don't have to continue to skate backwards and Shawn interlaces his fingers with mine of the hand I am still holding, probably just trying to have a better grip because he's still afraid of falling. Still though I can't help but smile. And I look over at Shawn and he is smiling too. This is how it should be. Oh keep dreaming Chris.  
  
"So um, it was weird with out you here." Shawn says slowly  
  
"Oh yeah well, I just needed to clear my head about some stuff." I say. I need to tread incredibly lightly around this subject one wrong word could spell disaster.  
  
"What stuff?" Shawn asks. Of course he would ask about that.  
  
"Oh I don't know, everything and nothing at the same time. I know you probably don't understand that but it's the best I can do."  
  
"I understand far better than you think." Shawn says. I can't help but wonder what he means by that. But he did go through a divorce and seeing his best friend die so yeah I suppose that's it. He doesn't push it any farther which I am grateful for. "So what did you do while you were gone?"  
  
"Oh I don't know I just kind of drove around until I hit Texas and I had to turn around in order to get back in time." I say  
  
"Texas?" Shawn asks  
  
"Yeah I don't know I just wound up there somehow." I say  
  
"Well if you ever want to see more of it you can always come stay with me." Shawn says then he looks like he wishes he didn't.  
  
"Oh I wouldn't want to impose I mean..." I say  
  
"No, I wouldn't mind." Shawn says  
  
"Maybe I will have to take you up on that sometime." I say. I don't know how long we had been skating when Jay comes skating up laughing hysterically.  
  
"What? What's so funny?" I ask not understanding the joke.  
  
"Do you guys even realize that you are skating to a "couples" skate?" Jay asks. My face falls as I hear the song playing. I guess that makes sense. Fuck. How embarrassing. How did I not notice that I was skating around to that song from I think Robin Hood Prince of Thieves? Shawn and I just look at each other wide eyed. "Yeah I didn't think so, come on you two love birds."  
  
"Ha ha very funny Jay." I mutter  
  
"We gotta get to the arena anyway." Jay says. We get off the ice to find the others waiting for us. Why do I have the feeling I will never ever live that down?  
  
A couples skate, they just had to have a couples skate. It's bad enough that I had to skate around holding Chris hand because I was an idiot and decided going ice skating when I can't ice skate would be fun. Then I made a complete jackass of myself by falling in front of him. That was so embarrassing, especially because he had to help me up of all people. I'm almost relieved that we had to leave. I know I will never hear the end of skating to a couples skate. How could we have not heard that? I feel like everyone is staring at me when I take off my skates. I want to crawl into a hole and pull it in after me. "You ready lover boy?" Hunter asks  
  
"Shut up. And yes I am." I say and god help me if I'm not blushing profusely we all head out of the ice rink to get cabs to the arena and I Chris's arm "Hey, um, thanks, you didn't have to help me that whole time."  
  
"It was no problem, it was actually pretty fun." Chris says  
  
"Well I'll see you later." I say and hop in a cab with Trish and Stacey in order to avoid the teasing of Hunter and Kevin for just a little bit longer. The more I think about it the angrier I get though because they know how this whole thing with Chris is messing me up why would they invite me to something that they knew he was going to be at. The more I think about it the angrier I get. "Excuse me ladies." I storm out of the cab and head into the arena and find our locker room and swing open the door and fly in, in a huff. "Well, that was sure interesting." I say in an ice tone my eyes flying wildly around the room. I can't believe those bastards they are actually sitting there trying not to laugh.  
  
"Yep." Manages Hunter  
  
"I swear to god if any of you laugh." I say  
  
"We wouldn't do that." Says Stephanie. I nod and go to get out my ring gear.  
  
"How could you do that to me anyway? You know I don't want to be around him right now it's too hard." I ask  
  
"Why is that?" Kevin asks  
  
"You know." I say through my teeth  
  
"Yes, yes I do but I think you'd feel better if you just said it." Kevin says  
  
"Alright, alright maybe your right. Maybe I should just admit that I..."I say. Suddenly Chris bursts in  
  
"Hey Steph, Jay said you wanted to see me about something." He says  
  
"OH WAIT!" Kevin yells and gets up throwing his arms up in frustration and growling as he storms passed Chris out of the room.  
  
"What the hell's his problem?" Chris asks  
  
I shrug and look away slightly "I have no idea." I say. Then my mind goes into panic mode, what if he heard what we were talking about what if he heard what I just almost admitted to. "You didn't hear what we were talking about before you walked in here did you Chris?"  
  
I'll get this updated again as soon as I possibly can. I actually went through multiple possibilities of a title for this one such as how the hell'd we wind up like this or even shudders at the though, ice ice baby but I couldn't bring myself to use that last one. 


	18. on a steel horse i ride

So, yeah...I feel horrible that it's been so long since I've updated. I graduated from college and I had a bunch of stuff to turn in and all that. Plus at in March I found out that I was going to be one credit short so I had to pull an independent study course out of my ass. Anyway I should be updating a lot more regularly now. And I had this chapter written but I moved...and I got a new lap top so I had to rewrite this so I wouldn't have to hook up my old computer just to get the one chapter...   
  
"Hear you no why?" Chris says  
  
"Oh, no reason." I say. Oh man that was a close one  
  
"So you wanted to see me Stephy?" Chris asks  
  
"Yeah I just wanted to remind you that our engagement party is next week at Shawn's. You'll be there right." Stephanie asked  
  
"Sure why not I don't really have any other place to be right now." Chris says with a shrug.  
  
"Well why don't you just stay with Shawn on our days off next week?" Stephanie says  
  
"Oh...I don't know...I mean..." Chris says with some hesitation. Oh that's just great. It's going to be hard enough for me to have Chris at my house with a lot of other people there is going to be hard enough but being there with him by myself, definitely not the smartest thing for me at this point.  
  
"No it's fine. I don't care." I say. There we go again with the brain having absolutely no control over the mouth syndrome.  
  
"Are you sure?" Chris asks  
  
"Yeah it's not a problem." I say. "I told you earlier any time you wanted to see more of Texas you were welcome at my house." God this could end up being a total nightmare.  
  
"Alright then I'll make the arrangements." Stephanie says  
  
Chris looks down at his cell phone "Oh shit! I gotta go meet with Vince." He says "I'll see you guys later. And Shawn thanks again." I watch him leave.  
  
"Are you completely insane?" I ask staring daggers "How could you invite him to stay at my house like that?"  
  
Stephanie shrugs "I don't know he doesn't have anywhere else to go right now. And you could have told him no."  
  
"Yeah that would have been real nice after you had already said he could. I know what you are trying to do. I am asking you for the last him, STOP." I yell and storm out of the locker room and let the door slam behind me. I didn't know where I was going I just needed to be somewhere other than right there. Well now I had a week to prepare myself for spending another whole day alone with Chris. God he doesn't like me anyway so this shouldn't be so much of a problem.  
  
God I never should have agreed to this. I never should have said I would go to Shawn's house. Stephanie owes me so big for this one, although I can't exactly tell her that. It would get back to Shawn and at this point that would be far too embarrassing. To think I spent two weeks ago on a trip solely to avoid Shawn and here I am now in the car with him pulling into his driveway. "Well, we're here." Shawn says stating the obvious. I take a deep breath and open the car door. Shawn does the same and a yellow lab runs over to Shawn and he bends down ruffling the dogs fur furiously and speaking in the nonsense that people always seem to talk to their pets with. I look up to notice a man that looks very similar to Shawn walk out on to the front porch followed by a woman with curly red hair.  
  
"Well, well, well, how the hell are you?" The man says.  
  
Shawn laughs "Hey bro, Jenny." he takes a few running steps to the porch and hugs the man. I follow him at a much slower pace. When he finishes greeting who I'm guessing is his brother and his brothers' wife he turns and remembers that I'm standing there. "Oh right. Chris this is my brother John and his wife Jenny. Guys this is my friend Chris. John and Jenny stay here to take care of the house for me since I am gone so much" John and I shake hands and Jenny demands a hug. Why am I really nervous right now? I really want them to like me for some reason.  
  
"Well things are almost ready for the party tomorrow I just have to put up the decorations." Jenny beems  
  
"Aaww Jen you really didn't have to go to all that trouble. You really don't have to put up decorations." Shawn says  
  
"Oh don't be silly. It really hasn't been any trouble." Jenny says and walks into the house "You guys must be thirsty I'll get you some lemonade or something."  
  
"No trouble." She says "That's why she spent a few hours on the phone with the idiots at bakery ordering the cake, I wouldn't be surprised if it said happy birthday Arnold or something on it but that's another story spent all day so far cleaning up the house, then we had to go into town 3 times today once to pick up the cake and then to go to the store for the food for the party. Then I got sent back to get ice because we forgot it the first time."  
  
"I'm sorry, I could have done all that once I got here. They are my friends and it's my house." Shawn says  
  
"Yeah well you know Jenny, she's a little neurotic when it comes to planning, well anything." John says we hear a I heard that from inside and Shawn and I start to laugh as Shawn makes a face and toughs his collar to the side in the universal sign for oh shit. Shawn points me in the direction of a guest bedroom and I go inside to put my bags in there. I walk over to check out the view from the window, a habit I've picked up from traveling so much. I never knew that Shawn had horses. I guess that makes sense, it is Texas. Not that they don't have horses other places besides Texas...Jesus I have got to calm down even my thoughts are rambling. I walk out of the room down the stairs and out to the, I think it's called a pasture, you know the place where they keep the horses when they are not in the barn. I walk up to the fence and a black horse with a longish scruffy mane comes running up and stands right in front of me.  
  
"Hi." I say and put my arm up to try to pet him the balk thinking better of it but the horse reaches his head up so my hand is touching him. Well maybe it's ok that I pet him after all.  
  
I jump as does the horse when Shawn yells "CHRIS! Are you ok? KELLY GET AWAY FROM HIM!" The horse raised his head and flared his nostrils at Shawn in a look of defiance and I'll be damned if it didn't shake its head no.  
  
"What the hell's the matter with you?" I say  
  
"You mean he's not hurting you?" Shawn asks  
  
"No...in fact he came up to me." I say  
  
"This horse...came up...to you?" Shawn asks again.  
  
"Yeah that's what I said." I say "I think he likes me."  
  
"That horse doesn't like anybody. We have to tie him down just to brush him." Shawn says.  
  
"Hum, so his name is Kelly?" I ask.  
  
"Yeah...ask in Machine Gun...like Hitman. It was Bret's horse, it was his attempt at humor. I inherited him after..." Shawn looked away trailing off, I can only assume that he meant after Bret died but I decide to leave the subject alone.  
  
"Can we go riding?" I ask as I begin to pet Kelly again.  
  
"You want to go riding?" Shawn asks and if I'm not mistaken his face is paler than it was a few seconds ago. He sighs in a defeated way "Yeah I guess so. Let me go get you some boots trust me that you don't want a horse to step on your foot. It hurts like you wouldn't believe."  
  
I take off toward the house. It didn't really matter if Chris had boots or not I needed a minute to compose myself. He had no idea what he was asking me to do. I walk in the house on shaky legs. "Oh Jenny has that lemonade for you." John tells me and I nod.  
  
"Good but it will have to wait until we get back from our ride." I say sarcastically  
  
"Ride? As in on the horses? You are going to riding?" John asks skeptically "He doesn't know does he?"  
  
I shake my head violently "And he's not going to." I say "So please don't tell him."  
  
"But why would it matter if...oh..ooooooohh." John says "You like him. You like him don't you that's why you don't want him to know about..."  
  
"Shut up I swear to god. I do not like him." I say knowing full well I am hardly fooling myself with that one any more.  
  
"You do to, Shawny likes Chris, Shawny likes Chris." John says in that annoying tone only an older brother can have.  
  
"Shut up, shut up, shut up. I don't need this from you too." I plead  
  
"It's ok, he's pretty good looking for a GUY." John says I can feel my face flush because I can't say that I don't agree. "Ha see I knew it. Good it's about time."  
  
"No. It's not ok and it's not good. AHH. I never should have said he could come here." I say "Having him here like this...it's like, it feels like how it used to be...he even made a b-line for the horses...just like...it's to weird."  
  
"Just do what you think is right." John said shrugging. Not much for talking about feelings that John.  
  
"Yeah that might be helpful if I had any idea what that was." I sigh heavily and get up and go to get the boots and return to the stable. I hear Chris mumbling some curses as I walk by him trying to get the saddle on. I chuckle figuring he wouldn't let me help him even if I offered. I bring my horse in and begin to pet it to get reacquainted. "Hey, it's been a long time huh." I slowly work on getting on the saddle and finally Chris appears in the door way.  
  
"Alright I think this horse needs a smaller saddle or something because this isn't working right." I walk into the stall next to me and immediately have to hold myself up to keep from falling on the floor laughing. The horse keeps moving his head all around continuously biting, he looks like he has a horn sticking out of his head, the saddles on backwards and he hadn't put a saddle blanket on.  
  
"I would have helped you I thought you knew what you were doing." I say  
  
"I thought I could handle it. I don't know why...I've never ridden a horse in my life. I guess I was trying to impress you or something. Now I just look like an idiot." Chris says looking down running his hand over his neck. "Chris you don't have to impress me." I say walking forward to put my hand on his shoulder. "I already like you. Come on. I'll show you how this really goes." I say and soon we are on are way. I forgot how much I used to like to do this. I take in a deep breath and tilt my head back letting the suns rays fall on my face. I never should have given up riding. It was my first love, besides wrestling and skateboarding with my friends. I didn't realize that I hadn't been talking but I must not have been because I hear Chris calling my name.  
  
"Earth to Shawn. Shawn?" He says "Where were you just now man?"  
  
"Oh sorry I was just thinking." I say  
  
"That's cool." Chris says. I think that it's cool that we seemed to have reached that point where it's not entirely uncomfortable if we aren't talking all the time.  
  
"Hey do you wanna race." I say my adventurous side getting the better of me.  
  
"I don't know, remember I've never ridden before now." Chris says  
  
"And you're doing great come on." I say  
  
"Shawn I don't know about this." Chris says  
  
"Ready 1..."  
  
"Shawn I don't..."  
  
"2..."  
  
"Shawn!"  
  
"3!" I yell and at that Kelly takes off like a bullet and I realize instantly that it probably wasn't the best idea. Chris had a look of terror on his face. And he didn't look all that comfortable on the horse once it started going fast. Then all of a sudden as I am trying my hardest to catch up to Chris I see that he is steadily loosing his grip. I am running the horse furiously to catch him and I watch helplessly as Chris looses his grip completely and fall and hit the ground. No! Oh god! This can't be happening. I reach him and jump off the horse and run over to him. "Chris! Chris! Are you ok! Talk to me please."  
  
"Well that sucked." Chris says rubbing his shoulder.  
  
"Are you ok!" I ask  
  
"Yeah I'm fine." Chris says looking at me like I'm crazy "I've taken way worse bumps than that in the ring and so have you."  
  
"Yeah it's just...I don't know." I say trailing off.  
  
"Don't worry about me ok, I'm fine." Chris says  
  
"I'll always worry about you...you're my friend." I say smiling and I feel my heart swell as Chris smiles back at me. Then I can tell that something has caught Chris's attention because he's looking at something over my shoulder.  
  
"Did you do that?" He asks. I look where he's pointing and a two ton load of guilt gets placed on my chest as I see the initials carved in the tree. I had totally forgotten where we were. How could I have done that.  
  
"Um, yeah. A long time ago." I say  
  
"So BH is an old girlfriend then?" Chris says  
  
So I hope you like this...it's kind of filler to get to something that's coming up that you won't want to miss, trust me. It's gonna be good, probably in the next chapter. Sorry I didn't actually want to take the time to find Shawn's brothers real name. 


	19. these wounds won't seem to heal

So kiddies...here's more...not up as fast as I wanted it to be...but I am living at home for a while and just like at Christmas time I feel weird writing this in front of anyone in my family and I've been working from pretty much 5pm- 1am or 2am 5 days a week so I haven't had much time by myself to sit down and write. But here it goes.  
  
"Um, yeah I guess you could say that." I say. I can feel all the color draining from my face. I can't even imagine what Chris must be thinking looking at me right now but I don't care.  
  
"Seems kind of hokey." Chris says  
  
"Yeah well I was in love. It'll do that to you." I say  
  
"So what ever happened?" Chris asks and I look away from him trying to compose myself before giving an answer. I hope it's long enough to keep from starting to cry when I try to speak. I guess we'll find out.  
  
"Well, we're not together anymore. Let's just leave it at that." I say closing my eyes and saying a prayer that he will take the hint that I don't really want to talk about it. Suddenly the woods feel way to small "Can we go back? Are you ready? We should probably help finish up the house for the party.  
  
"Yeah but how? Kelly ran away." Chris says. Well I can think of a solution. I can't believe I'm going to suggest it but it is out of my mouth before I can stop it.  
  
"Well we could ride double." I say  
  
"Ride...double...you want to ride double." Chris says and swallows awfully hard then sighs "Sure why the hell not."  
  
"How is this going to work?" Chris asks  
  
"Well I guess you should get on first and slide back as far as you can then I'll get on in front of you." I say. Oh yes this is a brilliant idea, brilliant idea indeed. NOT! So we get ourselves situated and we take off which the movement must throw Chris off a little and he grabs me around the waist. My heart starts to beet a little faster because I like him touching me like this. I like the feeling of him pressed up against me. Then a wave of guilt rushes over me. How could I possibly be thinking about Chris after what I just saw? After everything those initials stood for? I need to think about something else anything. Shit. Why is it that when you don't want to think about something that particular thing is all you can seem to think about?  
  
I don't know what's wrong with Shawn all of a sudden. I guess this BH person was pretty important to Shawn. B....Oh man I am so stupid. His ex- wife's name is Rebecca. He must have called her Becky or something for short and her last name must have started with an H. That whole situation surrounding her must have been pretty hard on him. No wonder. Was BH an old girlfriend or something? God smooth move idiot. Finally we get back to Shawn's place and he hops off and I slide forward and he reaches up and grabs my hand to help me off. I try to shake away the butterflies that were flying around like crazy in my stomach. It didn't mean anything, he was just helping me down. But still for those few seconds Shawn was holding my hand.  
  
"I'll take care of the horses. We should probably help Jenny with getting everything ready for the party." Shawn says  
  
"Yeah sure." I say. I start walking toward the house and Kelly comes trotting up to me. "Hey boy." He comes right up and puts his head on my chest. This must be his way of apologizing. "Aww it's ok. I'm not hurt." I pet him a few times "I'll see you later. You be good for Shawn he seems to be having a rough day." I continue on into the house. I don't really know what else needs to be done. The house looks spotless to me and I thought they said the food was all taken care of but I'll humor Shawn. I find my way to the kitchen where I can hear Jenny and John talking. "Hey guys. Need some help getting anything else ready for tomorrow?"  
  
"Um we are pretty much done but I was going to hang some Christmas lights around the pool. They are in the basement storage area somewhere if you could get them that would be great."  
  
"Sure. No problem." I say. I head through a door in the kitchen that leads to the basement. Now, let's see storage area, storage area ah ha. Now if I were a box with Christmas lights where would I be? Well finding stuff in here would be a lot easier if anything at all were labeled. Well Christmas stuff wouldn't have been used in a while now so I decide to check some boxes toward the back. The first box I open has a picture frame on top. It's a really good picture. I wonder why Shawn doesn't have it out. I hear what must be someone coming down the stairs and with in a matter of seconds they are opening the door to where I'm at.  
  
"Hey. The Christmas stuff is over here." Shawn says  
  
"Yeah well it would be a lot easier to find crap if any of theses boxes were labeled." I say sarcastically "This is a really good picture. You should have it out."  
  
"What picture?" Shawn asks and walks over next to me and I hand him the picture so he can take a look. Shawn's smile turns to a blank expression and he becomes ghostly pale. "Where, where did you find this?"  
  
"In that box over there it's a really good picture of the two of you, why did you put it away?" I ask  
  
"Good picture? Good picture?" Shawn says throwing it at the wall and shattering the glass in the frame. "Well now it's junk." He storms out of the room stomps up the steps where the picture landed. I don't get it why would a picture of Shawn with Brett be so upsetting? I know he died and now that I think about it Shawn had been having some trouble with that a while back but...if he was hurting that badly about it wouldn't he want this picture around? I run up the stairs after him.  
  
Suddenly that storage room just got way to small. I run up the stairs into the kitchen. "Yeah great god damn picture Chris you bastard." I mumble  
  
"Nice colorful language for you to be teaching our 3 year old." Rebecca says  
  
"Oh, sorry Beck, sorry Cam." I say. "What are you guys doing here?"  
  
"You take him on days when you're home remember?" Rebecca says "You told me a few days ago to bring him over at 6."  
  
"Oh man I'm sorry buddy I've been pretty busy getting stuff ready for Uncle Hunter and Aunt Stephanie's party I just forgot." I say walking over and scooping up Cameron into my arms giving him a big hug and kiss.  
  
"Hi daddy. Play cars with me?" Cameron says. Giving me his puppy dog eyes that I can almost never say no to. "Alright, in a minute ok." I see the door to the basement fling open and Chris walk through carrying a box.  
  
"Hey I found the lights. What in the blue fuck is your problem any..." Chris says finally noticing Cameron and Becky standing there. "Oh sorry."  
  
"I'm sorry, you're sorry, everybody's sorry, if my son goes around saying that you are so going to get it." Becky says in almost a joking tone.  
  
"Alright, hi I'm Chris." He says  
  
"Yeah I know who you are. I like your character, you crack me up. As much as we are supposed to hate you sometimes I just can never bring myself to do it." She says.  
  
"Wow Chris Jericho!" Cameron says. Oh god I can just see it now. Cameron getting all attached to him and wanting him to come around a lot. Oh boy. This could get interesting. He walks over to him and grabs his finger and starts to pull at him. "Play cars?"  
  
"Sure buddy." Chris says chuckling slightly. I try to suppress a smile as they leave but I just can't. Chris will probably be a great dad. I notice Becky watching me with a strange look on her face.  
  
"What?" I ask  
  
"Are you...do you...never mind." Becky says  
  
"What?" I ask again  
  
"It's nothing. Cameron's things are on the couch. I'll see you tomorrow for the party ok?" Becky says "Do you need me to bring anything?"  
  
"Um, it sounds like everything is pretty much under control. But you could check with Jenny." I say  
  
"Ok. Oh Chris seems nice." Becky says having almost a smirk on her face  
  
"Huh? Oh yeah." I say. I hope she's not implying what I think she is.  
  
"Alright well see ya." Becky says "I'm gonna go say good bye to Cameron before I go."  
  
"Ok." I say and I walk outside and sit on the huge stump of this one tree that we had to cut down when I was building the house so it wouldn't fall on it. I always come here to think. This is too much. Of all things for him to find, he had to find a picture of Brett and I. And that picture of all things. I feel like a piece of taffy being pulled in all these different directions. I wish I had never agreed to have this party at my house. Better yet I should have told Chris it was a bad idea for him to come here. I could have thought of some reason. But then I see him and Cameron playing together through the window. It makes me feel all warm, god I don't want to feel like that. I notice them get up and walk out of the room. I really should go in and spend some time with Cameron, I just can't bring myself to get up right now.  
  
Cameron is such a great kid. He has some great toys. I forgot how fun it was to play with hotwheels. He's a smart little guy too. Shawn has been teaching him what kind of cars are what and he knows a lot of the ones that he has. Becky actually seems pretty cool. I didn't think I could actually like her but she doesn't seem so bad. She has to be pretty stupid though, I don't know how she ever let Shawn go. I know I wouldn't if I ever had him. Wow, did I just think that? Luckily my thoughts are interrupted by Jenny calling to say dinner is ready. Cameron and I put away his toys and head into the kitchen. I walk over to the window and notice Shawn sitting on this stump. He looks so sad. I can't stand that I may have had anything to do with that. "Hey Jenny?"  
  
"Yeah?" She says. I walk over to where I put the lights and I get out the picture that I had also brought up with me.  
  
"What do know about this picture?" I ask and hand it over to her. The smile on her face fades.  
  
"That's why he's been so upset. This is probably the last picture of him and Brett before he died."  
  
"Another brilliant move on my part." I say "I shouldn't have come here. I had the brilliant idea to ask him about some initials carved into a tree while we were out riding today."  
  
"I remember when he did that." She says  
  
"Yeah it's pretty cool he would do that for him and Rebecca." I say  
  
"Rebecca...oh yeah Rebecca." She says and looking away from me "Why don't you go get him." I sigh. Great of all pictures I had to find that one? Man, I never should have come here. I slowly walk my way over to where Shawn is sitting and after a few minutes he looks up  
  
"Hi." I say  
  
"Hi." Shawn says  
  
"Jenny wanted me to come out here and tell you that dinner was ready." I say not knowing what else to do at the moment.  
  
"Ok." Shawn says looking down again.  
  
"Look I um, I didn't mean to upset you." I say "I asked Jenny about the picture. I didn't know man."  
  
"I know you didn't." Shawn says "It's just, well I still miss him you know. He was my best friend. I went through a rough time with my family and so did Brett and for a while I was all he had, I always had Hunter and Stephanie and Kevin but Kevin was off at WCW at the time. And now that he's gone...it just hurts some times. And with his horse taking to you and going riding and seeing that picture, then there were those initials it just brought back a lot of memories"  
  
"I feel like I shouldn't have come here." I say  
  
"No don't say that. One person feeling bad around here is enough. Come on let's go eat." Shawn says getting up and walking by me.  
  
"Um, Ok." I watch Chris walk into the house. "Yeah Chris that went well." I go in and sit at the table faking a smile. I can tell Shawn is doing the same thing. I don't think he did what would be considered eating it was more of rearranging the items on his plate.  
  
"Daddy, can we watch a show." Cameron asks  
  
"Yeah ok, but then it will be time for bed. What one do you want to watch?" Shawn asks  
  
"Footloose, no Cars." Cameron says  
  
"Cars?" I ask.  
  
"Yeah, Days Of Thunder. He likes to watch the race cars." Shawn says "But he's getting old enough now to understand some of the stuff that isn't so good in this movie so I'm gonna have to have him stop watching it so much."  
  
"Ah." I say  
  
"Come on buddy. Let's put on your pajamas ok?" Shawn says  
  
"I want Chris to help me. Please?" Cameron says looking at me. Oh man he's got Shawn's eyes. I'm never going to be able to say no to him either.  
  
"Well it's up to him." Shawn says  
  
"It's find I'll help him. Come on Cam."  
  
"Alright I'll get the movie ready then." Shawn says then gets up and heads into the living room. I go up stairs with Cameron and get his pajamas on and his teeth brushed and when we return down stairs Cameron lies on the couch next to Shawn and I see Jenny and John have taken their seats so I sit on the floor leaning against the couch. After a little while I hear movement on the couch. Shawn gets up and picks up Cameron and walks upstairs with him. I move myself up on the couch and Jenny and John come in with some popcorn.  
  
"Days of Thunder...well we've scene that movie a few times." John says "I bet I could quote the whole thing if I tried. But of all things for Cameron to want to watch I mean man."  
  
"Why what are you talking about." I ask  
  
"Because this was Brett's movie, it was one of his favorites." Shawn says standing at the bottom of the stairs. "You know I think I'm just going to head up to bed. I'll see ya'll tomorrow." Man another thing today coming back to Brett. This trip has been a total disaster. I feel horrible. I don't even know how long I had been sitting there but I blink and the movie is over and John and Jenny mutter something to me about going to bed. I nod. I guess I should be heading to bed too, not that I could sleep at this point any way. A little while later I manage to get myself up off the couch and head up the stairs. I feel like I should try again to make things right with Shawn but I don't really know how to. I don't get to think about that long because something else catches my attention. I think Cameron might be crying. I walk over to his door and listen some more, yeah he's crying. Awww poor kid. I wonder what's the matter. I slowly open up his door.  
  
"Cam?" I say into the dark. After a few seconds my eyes adjust to the light and I can tell he's asleep. I walk over and give him a kiss on the forehead and run my hand up and down his arm. Cameron's eyes snap open. "Hey buddy it's ok you were dreaming." He grabs me into a hug and starts to cry again. "Shhhh, you're ok, see everything's just fine now."  
  
"There was a mean man after me." Cameron says  
  
"Well you're dad won't let anything happen to you and he's just in the other room. And I protect my friends and now that we're friends I won't let anything happen to you either ok?" I say  
  
"Ok." Cameron says  
  
"I'm going to go back to my bed now ok." I say  
  
"Chris?" Cameron asks  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Can you stay with me for a little while?" Cameron says in a small voice. "I'm still afraid."  
  
"Sure." I say in my most southing voice. Cameron scoots over to make room for me and I slide in the bed pulling the covers over me. After a few more minutes Cameron moves closer to me curling up by my side. I turn and put an arm protectively over him. I can't help but smile. He looks so cute when he's asleep. Man now that I'm laying down I'm exhausted. I better move to my bed...before...I.  
  
I am woken up by the sound of a bird chirping it's little head off. I must have forgotten to shut the window. I open one eye judging the distance to the window then pick up my spare pillow and throw it as hard as I can at the window hoping it will knock it shut. Well that didn't work quite like I though so I groan and get up and shut the window and stumble my way back into bed. I toss and turn around some before sighing and finally realizing that it was a lost cause. I get out of bed and throw on the pair of pants I was wearing yesterday over my boxers that I had slept in. I walk out into the hall and see that Jenny and John are already up, and evidently so is Chris. I decide to take a peak in at Cam before I head down to join them. I open the door as quietly as I can I look in and a huge smile makes it's way across my face. Chris and Cameron look so cute all curled up together. It makes me really happy that they kind of bonded yesterday. I wonder if Cameron had a bad dream and Chris came in to comfort him or something. That is so nice of him, god I love that man. WOAH! The reality of what I just said hits me like a ton of bricks and I stumble back wide eyed almost falling down the stairs. No that can't be right, that was just an accident, I didn't really mean that did I? "Morning Shawn." John says looking up from the paper as I have I guess made my way into the kitchen somehow. "What's the matter with you? You look like you've scene a ghost."  
  
"Wrong oh just that Chris is in sleeping with Cameron right now all curled up." I say  
  
"Well nothing's wrong with that sweetie it's kind of cute." Jenny says  
  
"Yeah that's what I thought shortly before I thought god I love that man." I said sitting down putting my head on the table. "What am I gonna do?"  
  
"I don't know little bro. But it seems to me you have two options if it is bothering you that much. You could A. tell him what you are feeling or..." John says  
  
"I can't do that it would be way to embarrassing and I know he doesn't feel the same way so I'd be putting myself out there for nothing." I say  
  
"But what if he did feel the same?" John asked  
  
"Trust me he doesn't, but if he did I don't know if I could deal with that either." I say  
  
"Well then there's option B. you can stay away from him." John says  
  
"I can't do that either. We're friends, pretty good friends at this point. And as messed up as I feel when he's around it's worse when he's not. I am in such a mess." I say  
  
"In a mess would not be the words I would used to describe you at this point Shawn but I can think of some words that would." John says  
  
"Oh yeah what would those be?" I ask  
  
"In love." Jenny says and John nods in concurrence.  
  
"I can't be no...I...aaaww hell." I say letting my head flop back down hitting the table. I was going to eventually have to face the fact that they were probably right. Well another chapter done. Sorry I got a little bit stuck there for a while that's why it took so long. The next chapter is one you won't want to miss trust me...and it they should be coming out quicker now because this is the part of the story that I have had planed for a long time so yeah until next time. 


	20. in these times of doing what you're told

But today was not that day. I was not ready to deal with those types of feelings especially for Chris. I pick my head up with new determination. "That's not what it is. You're wrong."  
  
"I don't think so." John says  
  
"Well even if you're right which you're not, nothings going to happen. I'll will it not to happen." I say.  
  
"Will what not to happen?" Chris asks yawning walking into the room carrying Cameron.  
  
"Nothing." I say  
  
"Oh ok." Chris says. God that was a close one. It's getting harder and harder to keep him from finding out...man. I really need to stop this. Snap out of it Shawn. I don't like him! Just keep saying that. I don't like the guy standing before me with no shirt on so I can see his well defined chest up to his gorgeous curly blond hair that rests on his muscular shoulders and...this isn't going like I planed. "Shawn?"  
  
I shake myself out of my Chris induced daze "Yeah?" Oh god I think he just caught me staring at him. This is so embarrassing. Good thing there was plenty to keep me occupied before people started getting there for the party because it's believable when I make up some dumb excuse and hurry out the door. Nothing like a good trip around the yard on the lawn mower to clear the head. Too bad I couldn't seem to stop myself from thinking about Chris. I was very glad when Hunter and Stephanie finally got there. Nothing like swimming and friends to get the mind off your problems.  
  
"So what did you and Shawn do yesterday?" Hunter asks Chris as I walk up and hand Chris a drink. Rum and Coke I know it's his favorite.  
  
Chris takes a sip and looks at me and smiles "Oh not much, you know long flight and everything. We just helped finish getting things ready for the party and stuff like that, played with Cameron once he got here. Oh we did go riding. It was pretty fun. I got dumped off once but it was no big deal."  
  
"Riding? As in on horses?" Hunter asks  
  
"Yeah, what's the big deal?" Chris says taking another sip  
  
"Oh nothing." Hunter says  
  
"Oh Jay and Jeff just got here I'll be right back." Chris says  
  
"He got you to go riding? But I though you said..." Hunter said  
  
"I am well aware of what I said Hunter. Oh but it gets better. Guess which horse he just had to ride." I say  
  
"Not Kelly?" Hunter asks skeptically  
  
"Oh yes." I say and watch a comic expression come over Hunters face. "It's not freakin funny man. God and when he got dumped, well I haven't been that scared in a long time." I say running my hand over my hair. "And that's not even the half of it, I was such a mess yesterday it was recockulas...and I'm pretty sure that Chris thought it was all his fault." I notice Hunter looking at me strangely "What do I have something hanging out of my nose or something?"  
  
"No, but interesting choice of words there recockulas..." Hunter says and I give him a one more word of that sentence and I swear you'll regret it look. "That's all I'm saying." I look away knowing exactly what he was getting at with that last statement. When I do I see Chris walk through the door with an arm around Jay followed closely by Jeff. I can't help the small feeling of jealousy that creeps over me in seeing that. I mean I know there's nothing going on between him and Jay or Jeff for that matter but...what am I saying? What's wrong with me anyway? I don't care. I don't care, Chris is a grown man and can do what he wants. Why do I care anyway? I think deep down the answer to that question scares me more than anything else in this world. I don't turn away looking away fast enough and our eyes lock temporarily. God those eyes. I snap out of it long enough to realize that Hunter is still talking to me. He mutters something about me having it bad once he realizes what I'm looking at and walks away before I can respond. Damn him! I sigh. I find myself despite my best efforts my feet walk me over to where Chris is.  
  
"Hey Shawn." Jeff says  
  
"Hey Jeff how's it going." I say  
  
"Pretty good. Nice place." Jeff says  
  
"Thanks I try." I say chuckling I see Kevin walk up beside me.  
  
"Don't you think it's about time to start dinner?" He asks  
  
I look down at my watch "Oh yeah I guess so."  
  
"I'll go get the chicken and you can go start the grill ok?" Chris says smiling at me  
  
"Ok." I say smiling lightly unable to blink. I turn toward the gril and head toward it Kevin follows. "So you got any new secret grilling tips for me old man?"  
  
I walk inside the house glad to get away from the scrutiny of Jay and Jeff. They insisted on knowing every single detail of the past day. I have had this uncontrollable tingles all day. I can't shake the feeling that Shawn was staring at me this morning at breakfast. And not in that I'm just a friend way. I'm glad he mad up lame excuses to make himself scarce because with him looking at me like that, I've been having to restrain myself from tackling him and having my way with him all day. I shake my head trying to drive those type of thoughts out of it. I'm almost glad of the distraction when Cameron runs up to me. "Chris? Will you help me with this puzzle?" Cameron looks up at me with those eyes.  
  
"Sure buddy come on." I say and he leads me into the living room where he had started the puzzle. Go figure it was the puzzle of a sports car. "Wow this will be pretty cool when it's done huh?"  
  
"Yeah." Cameron says and laughs "Chris? Are you gonna come stay with my daddy again? I like playing with you?"  
  
"I like playing with you too." I say and ruffle his hair a bit. "Well that's the last piece. Oh man I almost forgot I came inside to get the chicken for your dad. Wanna help me bring it to him?"  
  
"Yeah." Cameron says  
  
"Ok let's go." I get up and pick him up and take him into the kitchen to collect the food. We walk outside. And my heart catches in my throat when I see Shawn lugging a big bag of charcoal. And Kevin and Hunter are just standing there watching him. Immediately my blood begins to boil. "What are you ass clowns trying to do letting him carry that bag by himself. Shawn you shouldn't be carrying that with your back. I would guess that you need our days off to rest it. Put that down."  
  
"Well maybe I wouldn't be carrying this over here if someone didn't take so long getting the food out to me so that half the charcoal burned up and I needed so more."  
  
"Well I'm sorry if your son wanted my attention." I shoot back at him  
  
"Yeah daddy Chris helped me with my car puzzle. We finished it come and see." Cameron says. I watch Shawn's expression soften.  
  
"I'm sorry I didn't know." He says  
  
"It's ok. Here let me get that." I say handing him the plate and taking the bag of charcoal from him and heading toward the grill.  
  
"Gees you guys take a trip to Canada that we don't know about?" Kevin asks  
  
"What do you mean?" I ask  
  
"Well you two are acting like an old married couple." Kevin says.  
  
"Very funny." Shawn says glaring at Kevin.  
  
"You and Chris married that's funny daddy." Cameron says  
  
"Oh you think so huh?" Shawn says picking him up and tickling him. God I think I need another drink. Ok maybe a few more drinks. Good thing everyone else had the same idea. So my drunken antics weren't that out of place. Even Shawn was drinking some. How did I end up in a hot tub anyway? It's probably a bad thing that I don't totally remember.  
  
"Hey Shawn truth or dare." Kevin asks  
  
"Truth or dare? What are we twelve Kev?" I say laughing  
  
"Ok smart guy truth or dare?" Kevin says to me. I really don't want to do this. This game always involves me doing something I really don't want to do or admitting to something really embarrassing. But I also knew Kevin well enough to know that he wouldn't give up the idea of playing this game that easily. I decide that I may spill more than I want to considering the amount of alcohol I've consumed but it may actually help me to do any dare that he could possibly come up with.  
  
"Alright fine, fine...dare." I say  
  
"I dare you to..."Kevin says with a dramatic pause and gets an evil smirk. "kiss Shawn. And I'm not talking a peck I'm talking kiss." Except that. I was not prepared for that. I look over at Shawn and he looks a mix of horrified and extremely pissed off. Ok don't panic. Just...Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.  
  
"Is it too late to change my mind" I ask rubbing the back of my neck. "I mean I am soooo not kissing him."  
  
"No way, dares a dare. You gotta do it." Kevin says  
  
"Kevin..."Shawn starts to say something but it quickly cut off  
  
"No arguing." Kevin says. I look at Shawn he closes his eyes opens them again and sighs. He nods silently giving me the ok for what I was about to do. I can't believe I'm actually going to do this. I nod nervously and take a deep breath. I move next to Shawn and take a few more seconds to gather my courage. Aww hell, what am I doing? Before my mind can come up with an answer I am doing the unthinkable. I lean forward slowly hesitate slightly and press my lips to Shawn's. I open my mouth slightly and lick at Shawn's lips and he quite willingly allows my tongue entrance to his mouth my head suddenly becomes too cloudy to understand that I should probably be surprised by this. Suddenly I am not in a hot tub with my friends anymore I am somewhere where it is just Shawn and I. And I like it a lot. I loose all control of my senses. My hands find their way to Shawn's face caressing it slightly and one of them finds it's way back and tangles itself in Shawn's hair. I feel one of Shawn's arms wrap around me and pull me closer to him, not that any amount of closeness could possibly be satisfy me at this point in time. Now his other hand is on my knee and slowly moving leg the inside of my leg. I put one of my hands over his to stop him from moving his hand any farther. There is no way I want him to find out just how turned on this is making me right now. My god I could kiss him forever.  
  
"Guys? Um, guys..." I come out of the fog I am in to hear someone say this. I look around trying to find out what is going on was but I have to admit that I am a little bit dizzy. Then I realize what just happened. I made out with Shawn. Oh my god I just made out with Shawn. I mutter a string of curses and jump out of the hot tub not being able to get away fast enough. Oh my god what did I just do. I totally lost control. How could I have done that? I am such an idiot. He's gonna hate me now for sure. I stumble into the house and up the stairs to the bedroom I was supposed to use the night before and sit with a plop on the bed. I can still feel him in my arms, hell I can still taste him. I sit there silently cursing myself for ever agreeing to Kevin's little game in the first place, when the door slowly opens and Jay walks in. I wipe tears from my face, I hadn't even noticed that I was crying, but now that I have I can't seem to stop.  
  
"I don't know why I'm crying...oh god Jay I'm so stupid." I say and slump over. I feel the bed sink under Jays weight and his arm is soon draped over my shoulders "How could I have let that happen? I never should have agreed to do that."  
  
"Hey you're only human, and he is the person you want to be with, how could you not react like that?" Jay says  
  
"I've never felt like that before Jay. I lost ever shred of self control. Everything was in a haze and it was like it was just him and me." I say  
  
"That's what it's like when I kiss Jeff. I realized that that is what kissing is supposed to be like." Jay says smiling  
  
"If I were to never kiss anyone but Shawn again for the rest of my life it would be completely ok with me." I say "And I think that makes this even worse. Cuz now I can never face him again."  
  
"Yes you can." Jay says  
  
"NO I can't." I say  
  
"You can and you will. I don't know about you. But what I saw didn't look like two people who didn't want to be kissing each other." Jay says "And he looked to be kissing you back and enjoying himself just as much as you were."  
  
"Well it's impossible not to kiss someone back really isn't it? I mean come on plus we were dared, and the dare was to make it good." I say  
  
"Yeah that looked pretty "good" to me alright." Jay says

"Jay why are you doing this to me?" I say "Why are you trying to get my hopes up just to get them squashed?"  
  
"And who says they would be?"  
  
"Oh come on...he would have told me by now."  
  
"Says who? You haven't found the time to tell him." Jay says and I realize that he does have an interesting point that I hadn't considered before. But I quickly push it out of my head.  
  
"No." I say shaking my head "You're crazy." I don't need to set myself up for more heart ache by allowing myself to believe that.  
  
"I still think you should talk to him." Jay says  
  
I sigh "I don't know if I would know what to say."  
  
"How about the truth." Jay says  
  
"No, I can't do that." I say  
  
"Fine suit your self." Jay says getting up off the bed and goes out of the room leaving me by myself. Air, fresh air. That always helps in a situation like this right? That's why I end up outside walking as far away from the rest of the people at the party as possible. I the only way that is possible is to head toward the barn so I decide on visiting Kelly. I nearly jump out of my skin when Shawn calls out to me from the stump he had been sitting on earlier. I was so occupied by my own thoughts I hadn't even scene him there.  
  
"So where you going?" He asks  
  
"Don't know just walking I guess." I say then we both start to talk at the same time  
  
"Go ahead." Shawn says  
  
"Well I was just going to say that I'm sorry about that whole dare thing."  
  
"Don't be I'm not." Shawn says. I nearly choke on my next breath "I mean we were dared right? You know they wouldn't have left us alone unless we did what they wanted." That stung so much worse that I ever thought anything he could say to me ever could. If I ever had any notion in my head that Shawn might be interested in me, him saying that squashed them all right there. Because I mean let's face it if he was interested us talking about having just made out would have been a perfect opportunity for him to say so.  
  
"Well I'm sorry that everything got so carried away. I didn't mean for it to it's just...well I was imagining that you were Jessica and I guess I lost track of what I was doing." I said. So I lied, so sue me. I had to tell him something. I needed to give him some reason that I just practically ravaged him. I can't get over the look on Shawn's face right now. I can't tell for sure but it looks hurt, really hurt.  
  
"Yeah well its fine. I gotta go put Cameron to bed. See ya." Shawn says and hops off the stump and walks rapidly toward the house. What the hell was that all about?


	21. now i have to find a way to put the bott...

Alright then...another chapter finally. Sorry I tried to post this earlier but it was when ffn went wonky for a little bit and couldn't sign in. then I kept writing and didn't know where I was going to cut this one off. So anyway....  
  
What the hell am I supposed to do now? I don't understand any of this. I plop myself down on the stump that Shawn was sitting on hoping it would offer me some kind of answer, so I sit there for a while Indian style with my head in my hands. When it offers me none I curse the stump and I decide to go back to the party. I start walking back toward the house and I realize that everything is quiet and very dark. Everybody must have gone to bed or passed out which ever came first. I quietly open the door and head in to the house. I chuckle slightly at the pile of people laying on the floor and the couches in the living room. I suddenly get this overwhelming urge to check on Cameron. I hope the little guy is ok tonight, nightmares are a bitch when you're a little kid. I peek into his room and a smile creeps across my face, Jay and Jeff had taken over Cameron's bed. They are so cute together I am so glad they found each other after all that time of secretly liking the other one. I walk down the hall to the room I had been supposed to sleep in the night before figuring I needed something to sleep in. I walk in and Hunter and Stephanie are sleeping in the bed. Great, just great. There is only one other bedroom that I could sleep in, suddenly the living room floor is sounding pretty good. I go to walk down the stairs and I realize that I don't have any blankets or pillows to sleep on and I don't know where they are. I sigh and walk to over to Shawn's door and stand there for a few seconds before opening the door and heading in. I see him and Cameron asleep in the bed. It makes me feel a little warm inside. I can't wait to be like that with my own kid. I really need to check on Jessica. I walk over to the bed and stand over it for a second contemplating if I really want to wake Shawn up or if I can find the blankets myself when he stirs a little. "It's ok dude it's just me." I say  
  
"Chris?" Shawn says.  
  
"Where do you keep your extra blankets?" I ask  
  
"What?" Shawn asks  
  
"Extra blankets." I say again.  
  
"Oh their in the closet at the end of the hall. But I think they grabbed them all." Shawn says  
  
"Oh well I'll just steel one from some one down there." I say  
  
"You can sleep in here with Cam and I." Shawn says. He has got to be kidding, especially after what just happened. I know I shouldn't but I have to sleep somewhere I guess.  
  
"Are you sure?" I ask  
  
"I guess. You have to sleep somewhere right?" Shawn says. I crawl into the bed on the other side of Cameron. I close my eyes suddenly very tired. That is until I feel Shawn's hand on me. My eyes snap open. And I see Shawn laying on his side and had put his arm over Cameron and it just happens to be over me too. I sigh contently, feeling very warm and safe like this. My next thought is what we would look like to anyone who didn't know us. We would probably look like a pretty happy family. I frown in thinking that. I am immediately sad. What am I thinking. A family? God why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep putting myself in this position? Nothing is eeeeeeeevvvver going to happen with Shawn and me. I need to accept that. And being here in his bed like this with him makes that extremely hard. When it comes down to it...I know that I shouldn't be here. I move as slowly and as quietly as I can out of the bed and out of the room. I run down the stairs and out the door. I get in the first car I find with the keys and start to drive. Again I don't really know where I'm planning on going but I just know I can't be there anymore. I'll call in the morning to tell them that I left. I don't know what I'm doing this for any way. It's not going to help do anything but to make me feel worse, just like the last time. I don't know what else to do though except to cut Shawn out of my life forever. And current circumstances being what they are, that's impossible; I mean we work together for Christ sake. Chris you have really gotten yourself into a mess this time. I pull of on the turn out on the road and stop the car. I slam my fists on the steering wheel and flip the radio and scan the station until I come across the angriest music I can find. I let my head flop back against the headrest and try not to think about anything but the music. It doesn't last long though. I find myself coming to the conclusion that there are really no easy answers to my problem other wise I would have figured it out by now. God I'm so tired of feeling like this. I need to just let it go. But I can't, no matter what I do he's always there somehow. His face is etched in my mind as I finally drift off to sleep mentally and physically exhausted from the events of that day. I wake up to my cell phone buzzing I look at it and groan...5 new messages.  
  
"Chris....dude where'd you go, call me back." Jays voice said. I moved on to the next message.  
  
"No seriously dude where did you go we can't find you anywhere." Jays voice said again  
  
"Dude this really isn't funny let us know what's going on." Again Jay.  
  
"Ok where the hell are you? We are all really starting to worry...especially Shawn. Call the house when you get this." Jay again. Shawn was worried about me? I highly doubt that. Fuck it I'll see them back on the road. I pull out on to the road and head in the direction I think is toward the airport.  
  
The fifth messages starts to play and my heart sinks. In fact it makes me change my mind of what I was about to do entirely. "Chris...hi, it's um Shawn. Just calling to make sure you were ok. I woke up and you weren't here and...well we're all getting worried. Call us back ok." Well who was I kidding anyway and I turn the car around, it's time to face the music. I hit the redial button hoping that no one will be around to answer it.  
  
"Hello." Shawn says  
  
"Shawn...hi it's me Chris." I say sheepishly  
  
"Chris? Where the hell are you? What were you thinking. God after drinking all day yesterday you get in a car you stupid idiot!" Shawn yells.  
  
"I'm sorry. I just...I needed to clear my head. And I couldn't do it there." I say  
  
Shawn sighs "I didn't mean to yell at you it's just...Cameron was worried." He says  
  
"Cameron?"  
  
"Well hell man everybody was worried. It scared the hell out of me when I woke up and you weren't there."  
  
"I'm sorry. I needed to think about some stuff."  
  
"What kind of stuff?" he asks  
  
"I don't talk about it." I say, feeling immediately guilty.  
  
"Oh right. Fine. Well you're ok and now we know that so yeah I'll see you when you come back." Shawn says sounding pretty annoyed  
  
"Shawn wait." I say and hear the other end of the line go dead. "Fine. You want to know what I was thinking about I was thinking about you, ya stupid jackass." I say yelling at the phone "Truth is...the truth is I'm in love with you ok...there I said it...god you know I hadn't even admitted that to myself yet, but it's the truth. So there you go...I wish...I just wish I could find some way to tell you that for real. So for now this is how it's going to have to be...god I hate lying to you. But I just don't see that there is any other way...I'm sorry.  
  
I slam the phone down in frustration "God damn it!" I say in a growl that would have been the envy of most lions I'm sure. I hear somebody walk into the room.  
  
"Chris is ok then?" Jay asks  
  
"How did you know it was him?"  
  
"Because only Irvine could make somebody that crazy." He says  
  
Crazy is one way of putting it I guess... "Yeah."  
  
"Did he say when he was coming back?" Jay asks  
  
"We didn't get around to that...I sort of hung up on him before I thought to ask even where he was at."  
  
"Oh." Jay says. With that I hear the door open and people talking and I can tell one of them is Chris. Oh guess he didn't get very far last night after all. I went out just to get a look at him to make sure he was truly ok, then all I really wanted to do was take him in my arms and tell him never to leave me like that again, but I went with the more mature option of cursing at him very loudly under my breath and heading back into the kitchen intent on avoiding him. And I did a very good job of it to. For the next week I hardly saw him at all in fact he hasn't spoken more than 2 words to me. I've punched in his cell phone number in about a million times but I've always chickened out and never actually hit send. It's fine though...I'm getting used to not sleeping. I keep having these dreams. About that night in the hot tub. Then I would remember what he said to me afterwards and I would wake up crying. God I never should have agreed to do that. It was so stupid. I was just setting myself up to get hurt. What did I think, that he would kiss me and think hey maybe I do like you? Hell let's be honest here, that's exactly what I though. So much for not letting anything happen. That was definitely not nothing, well to me anyway. How could he sit there kissing me and be thinking about Jessica. When he said that I wanted to die. I guess now I know that he is definitely not interested. I am so stupid. How did I let myself get like this anyway? As much as I told myself I wasn't going to like him, it happened...as much as I hate to admit it...everybody was right...I did like him. There I admitted it. But it doesn't matter because he didn't feel the same way. I hear Kevin come in the door.  
  
"Hey." He said skeptically "Am I ok to be here?"  
  
"Yeah I guess." I said. I had been more than a little short with...well everybody this week so that pretty much meant everybody was keeping their distance from me for the most part. That and I've spent each night the week in a drunken stupor hoping it would make me forget.  
  
"Look um, about what happened at the party, and the dare. I'm sorry ok I don't know what I was thinking." He says  
  
"You weren't thinking at all is the problem." I say  
  
"I was just trying to help." Kevin says  
  
"Well it didn't at ALL. If you haven't noticed I haven't even talked to him in the past week."  
  
"I said I was sorry." Kevin says  
  
"I'm not really mad at you." I say and sigh "I'm mad at myself. I have no self control. I should have never let it go that far. Hell I should have never let it happen at all. But once it started, I couldn't bring myself to stop. I didn't want it to stop. It was so...well I haven't felt like that in a long time."  
  
"So what are you going to do?"  
  
"Nothing. What can I do?"  
  
"Talk to him." Kevin says  
  
"And say what exactly huh? I love you? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's the truth. And that scares the hell out of me. I can't take that risk, not when I know he doesn't feel the same way. I don't think I could take having my heart broken again." I say. I notice the look on Kevin's face. "What?"  
  
"Nothing it's just, well it's about time one of you stupid jerks finally realized it. Hell everybody else has." Kevin says "And how do you know that he doesn't feel the same way?"  
  
"Well we talked for a few minutes after we, well made out in front of all of you, and he wasn't even kissing me...he was imagining I was Jessica." I say even saying that made the sting of hearing those words come back.  
  
"Oh bull shit. You should see the way he looks at you. He was not thinking of anyone else." Kevin says  
  
"Then why would he say that?" I ask  
  
"Maybe, maybe he's just as scared of his feelings as you are." Kevin says "I mean Jessica's pregnant, it might be weird for him to have feelings for a guy."  
  
I didn't know what to say. "I guess I never though of it that way."  
  
"So go talk to the man. Keeping all this bottled inside of you is libel to make you explode. And it looks like you're already doing a pretty good job of self destructing I mean look at yourself man."  
  
I sigh "Maybe you're right." I get up and walk toward the door and stop when I get there. "No I can't do it, I can't, no." I say shaking my head  
  
"Scared?" Kevin asks  
  
"Terrified. What if you're wrong?" I say  
  
"I remember when you were with him, I don't think I've ever scene you that happy not even when you were with Becky. If you could feel even a fraction of what you felt then, isn't it worth taking the chance?" Kevin asks  
  
I feel my heart warm a little. Kevin's not much for sentimental stuff. And I answer him the only way I can. "Yeah, it is." I say and sit there for a minute gathering my courage. "I'm gonna do it." I say and get up and walk out of the hotel room before I have time to actually think about what I'm going to do and change my mind. I walk down to the end of the hall way and get in to the elevator and head up to the floor where Chris's room is. I smile at the though that he may be sleeping in my arms tonight. The doors open and what I see almost physically knocks me down. God damn it! Why did I listen to Kevin I must be an idiot. Please don't let me get sick in this elevator. I feel my eyes stinging. I wipe at the furiously. I will not cry over this. I knew this was always a possibility. Hopefully he didn't see me when the doors were open. Not that he would have noticed me anyway. God seeing him with a woman...and judging by her stomach it was Jessica...I knew he wasn't interested. Why did I let Kevin get my hopes up again? This is all his fault! I walk back in to my hotel room cursing everything with in my line of sight.  
  
"What going on? What happened?" Kevin asks  
  
"Get the hell out!" I yell pointing to the door "I don't want to talk to you right now. Kevin if you ever try to help me again I swear to everything holy I will kill you." I walk over to the mini bar and open it muttering "Oh go talk to him, tell him how you feel, he likes you too fucking great advice."  
  
"What happened?" Kevin asks  
  
"Oh just me finding out that I was right all along. God I never should have listened to you." I snap  
  
"What are you talking about how do you know I was wrong...you couldn't have possibly..." Kevin says  
  
"Two words...Jessica's back...he was hugging her...it was awful." I stutter  
  
"I'm sorry...I could have sworn..."  
  
"Yeah well you can take sorry and shove it up your ass, get the hell out of here." I said picking up the nearest object and heaving it at him. I sit there with my head in my hands until I hear the door slam. God I should probably feel bad about that, but for right now what I just did will have to take a number in the things I feel upset about line. Make that things I want to forget about line. I knew of only one way for that to happen. I grab a sweatshirt and head downstairs to the bar. I order a double of the strongest thing I can think of and tell the bartender to leave the bottle. I just hope that will be enough.  
  
Well there it is...Jessica is back. (evil smirk) didn't expect that did ya.) See what she adds to this disasterpiece. Good news is you won't be waiting long for the next chapter because it's already mostly done. 


	22. my weakness is that i care to much

I know I know I suck. I haven't updated in forever. I'm sorry. But my Shawn and Chris muse has returned so yeah her it goes.

I lie awake as far away from Jessica as I possibly can. This feels really weird. For so long this was all I ever wanted. And now, I sigh, hell if I know. Needless to say surprised wouldn't exactly be the right word to describe how I felt when I opened the door and she was standing there. I don't know what she's doing here she won't talk about it. Something's obviously wrong, or she wouldn't be here, plus she looks like hell. The only thing that keeps coming into my head is something must be wrong with the baby. That's part of what is keeping me up right now. God what if she came back here to try to fix things between us. I don't know what I'd do then. I'll never get any sleep if I don't stop letting my brain go in eighty different directions at once. My cell phone rings and I practically fall out of bed.

"Mr Irvine?" the voice on the other end of the phone says.

"Yes?"

"This is Justin from the hotel bar. Could you come and get a Mr Higgenbottom? I want him out of here he just put someone through a table. I know who he is but this is the second time this week and if someone doesn't get him out of here I'm gonna have to call the police."

"Don't do that. I'll be down in a minute."

"Thanks I wouldn't want to be responsible for one of my hero's being sent to jail."

"Wait just out of curiosity why did you call me?"

"I hit redial on the phone. I saw the name attached to the number and I took a chance that you would be in the same hotel."

"Oh." I said with wide eyes. "Ok." I hang up and get out of bed as quietly as I can so I don't wake up Jessica. I pulled on jeans and a t-shirt and made my way down stairs. I walked in the bar and after looking around I cursed myself for neglecting to put on shoes. To say that Shawn had done a number on the place would be an understatement. Well if Bruce Willis could do it… I slowly walked over to the bar. "Justin?"

"Chris?"

"Yeah."

"He's over there." John says pointing at Shawn who was lying on a table. I walk over to him and shake my head. He has a pretty good gash on his head and his nose is bleeding. I run my hand up and down his arm. "Shawn? Come on Shawny walk up." After a few seconds I can tell he's trying to open his eyes. "Come on baby open your eyes come back to me. Shawn sits up and slides off the table and stumbles across the floor. I run to where he is and wrap an arm around him to steady him. All of a sudden his eyes get huge and he puts his hand up to his mouth in the universal sign of I'm gonna puke. I rush him over to the bar and Justin holds up a bowl just in time. Oh god I hope that no one else saw that. I can see the headlines now. Vince would kill him. Shawn puts his head on the bar.

"Oh my god." Shawn whispers. He clinches his eyes shut probably trying to hold back tears.

"Shhhh. It's ok babe let's just get you to bed." I mouth I'm so sorry to Justin and hand him all the cash in my wallet. I help Shawn to stand up and basically hold him up the entire way up the elevator. Eventually I let go of him but he just stays leaning against me unable to hold himself up. The elevator door opens. I decide against dragging him down the hallway so I scoop him up into my arms and carry him. When I get to the door I put him down and lean him up against the wall and open the door quick enough so I can grab him before he falls on his face and pull him into the room.

"Chris?" Jessica asks

"Yeah can you help me over here?" I ask. Jessica squints and goes wide eyed and quickly gets out of bed and hurries over and puts an arm around Shawn's other side and helps me get him over to the bed. I kneel down in front of Shawn taking his hand in mine.

"My god what happened to him?"

"He got in a fight in the bar downstairs beyond that I have no idea. Could you go get a warm washcloth so I can wash off his face."

"Yeah of course." She says

I look up at him and my chest begins to ache. "Why would you do this to yourself?" I don't even notice Jessica coming back into the room until she puts the washcloth in my hand. I take it and as gently as I can begin to clean the blood from his forehead.

"Chris?" Shawn asks

"Yeah it's me." I say and run my hand over his hair. He closes his eyes and tears start to run down his face, small whimpers escaping his lips.

"Shhhh it's ok. It's ok." I say wiping away his tears.

"No no, no. It's not ok. Nothings ok. I fuck everything up. I push everyone away I…"

"No, no you don't."

"Yes I do, yes I do. That's why no one wants to be around me. That's why no one loves me" Shawn slurrs

"That's not true."

"Yes it is, you don't love me."

"I do love you Shawn."

"No you don't."

"Yes I do." I say knowing full well that he won't remember this in the morning.

"You do?" He says. I nod yes and he leans forward to hug me and promptly passes out. But before I can lay him back on the bed his body begins to shake.

My heart stops "Shit. Shawn? Oh my god Shawn? Jess can you get him some water?" If anything happens to him, I don't know what I'd do. And making him drink water is the only thing I can think of at the moment. She nods and is back with it in a few seconds. "Shawn?"

"Yeah." He mumbles

"I need you to drink this ok?" he nods but doesn't really move at all so I fumble around with the cup at his mouth spilling some of it down his shirt. I pull him up on the bed and lay him on the pillows before forcing some more water down him. He starts to cry again.

"I'm sorry." Shawn whispers over and over again.

"It's ok just go to sleep now ok. It'll be fine."

"What was that all about." Jessica asks

"I have no idea." I say shaking my head. I can tell that she doesn't believe me, but I'm glad she doesn't press.

"Fine. Do you think that you can manage now?"

"Yeah you need your sleep." She climbs in bed on the other side of Shawn facing him she hesitates for a moment before wrapping her arms around him. Well, I don't think this could possibly get any more weird. I lie awake for hours watching them before I fall asleep.

I wake to the worst headache I have ever had in my life. It feels like someone stabbed me in the head with a knife. I can tell it's morning because I can feel the sunlight on my face, but I refuse to open my eyes, I don't think my head could take it. I'm in a bed although I have no idea how I managed to get myself to a bed. Maybe I somehow managed to make it back to my room. But that's probably a best case scenario. My head stopped spinning long enough for me to realize there were voices in the room. That must have been what woke me up.

"Should we wake him up." Oh god it's a woman's voice what the hell did I do last night. Damn it.

"I think we should probably let him sleep. And after last night food might not be such a good idea anyway." Shit. I'd know that voice anywhere. Why is he here? Of all people why did he have to be here. More than likely I'm in his room. Which can't mean anything good. Of all places why did I have to end up with him. How did I get here. I don't remember him coming into the bar. Wait I called him, or did I. The bar tender must have took my phone. Of all people in my address book he just had to pick him. That's just my luck, or lack there of. I hear some shuffling and then the door open and close. I sigh. I really don't feel up to moving right now but I know full well I can't stay here. I mean I guess I could and Chris would probably even take care of me if I did, that's the type of person that he is. But I can't let him do that. Not with Jessica back. I don't know if I could handle watching them be together. Hell that's all he's wanted since she left. Me being around would just get in the way. She is having his kid it's probably for the best anyway. He couldn't even kiss me with out imagining I was her. I don't know what I was thinking coming up here yesterday anyway. How did I ever let my feelings go so far. He's a friend and that's all he'll ever be. Knowing that makes my heart ache. I don't know why really that's what I've been telling myself from the beginning. Maybe that's exactly why. My brain might know there's no possibility for Chris and I but my heart was saying something completely different. It probably would have been hard enough to tell him how I was feeling in the first place. Now there's no way I can tell him. And there's no way I'm sitting around here with the two of them. I groan sitting up and slowly move out of bed I search around the room and find my shoes and put them on. I get up and walk toward the door taking one last look around the room. "Good bye Chris." I say quietly before closing the door behind me. I wander through the hallway until I find the room I'm looking for. I knock on the door and after hearing a few mutters from the other side the door opens.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Kevin says

"Can I come in?"

"Sure." He says stepping aside so I can walk by him

"Kevin I just, wanted to say I'm sorry. It wasn't your fault and I shouldn't have yelled at you. You couldn't have known." I say and he nods.

"So, uh, how are you holding up. You look like shit man. What did you do last night anyway."

"Last thing I remember was being in the bar. This morning I woke up in Chris's bed."

"Oh man. How did you end up there?"

"I have no idea I don't remember. I woke up hearing him and Jessica talking about going to get breakfast. I left right after they did."

"What did you do that for."

"Because I can't face him. It's way to embarrassing. He probably hates me now. Who knows what I said. Oh god, what if I spilled everything to him Kev." I say putting my head in my hands. That thought hadn't managed to cross my mind. What if I did tell him everything. That would be a disaster. Especially with Jessica back.

"I'm sure he doesn't hate you. And I don't know, so what if you did. Would that really be so bad."

"Yeah it really would. Think about it. Gee Chris I don't even know if you like guys for sure or not but I think you should leave you're pregnant girlfriend who you were totally happy with up until a few months ago to be with me." I look up at Kevin who shrugs "Sounds pretty dumb to me."

"So that's it? After all this time you're just gonna let him go. You're just gonna give up just like that."

"I don't think I have any other choice."

We walk into the bar/restaurant in the hotel lobby and I look around impressed. They did a pretty good job of cleaning up the disaster piece Shawn had made of the place last night. I wave at Justin. "Don't you ever leave this place Junior." I ask. He laughs and shakes his head no.

"I'm here almost all the time. Hell I would probably sleep here if I wasn't afraid to walk around barefoot."

"I'll be right back." Jessica says

"I guess that means you didn't work things out with Shawn."

I sit there wondering if I heard him right "What?"

"I said I guess that means you didn't work things out with Shawn."

"Work what things out with Shawn?"

"Well he came in here with the worse case of broken heart I've ever scene. When you're a bar tender you learn to read the signs pretty well. He kept taking out his cell phone and dialing then hanging it up before he hit send. That was the number I called," He paused momentarily letting that sink in "you're number. Then by the way you acted when you came down here and with what you said to him I just figured…" He says and I look at him in horror. "Or I could be wrong."

"Jack you don't know how wrong you are."

"Am I? Somehow I don't think so." He says "Don't get jealous honey?"

"Oh please he just did that to through me off my game. The highlight reel is unscripted for a reason. To make people think on their feet so they can get better at there mic skills." I spit back.

"Are you sure about that?" He says. "Especially when the whole thing last night started over someone calling Shawn a fag?" I open my mouth to answer him but nothing will come out. He nods then walks away. My head is suddenly spinning. No. Justin couldn't have been right. I start to shake my head. No fucking way. There is no way last night was about me. Justin says Shawn was heart broken why would he be heart broken over me. Unless maybe Jay was right all along. No he couldn't have been. Shawn hasn't talked to me all week. You don't go a week without talking to someone you like do you? All week…didn't Justin say he had been there the night before. All week…since that kiss, when I told him I was thinking about Jess. But he acted like he only went along with the whole stupid thing because we were dared. What if I misunderstood him. No way. But he did seem kind of hurt after we talked. And now Jess shows up here. Oh god what if that's what he's upset about. No, I must be crazy because that would mean that…no. How would he have even known she was here. And why would he get so mad about someone calling him a fag? People usually end up getting defensive over things people say if they're true. I put my elbow on the table and run it over my hair. What's wrong with me? How could I even let myself think that? I can't keep doing this to myself. I sigh. I hate how much I think about him and he probably doesn't do the same. I hate that I can't sleep with out his stupid shirt. I hate how horrible I feel when I don't talk to him for a long time. I don't want to like him. And now Jessica had to come back and complicate things even more. I need to talk to Shawn.

I stand on the ledge of the roof with my eyes closed letting the wind blow across my face. I had come up here to clear my head and I am still hoping that the fresh air will help my hangover but so far no such luck. I deserve to feel like shit. What was I thinking even beginning to have feelings for a guy with a pregnant girlfriend. What am I doing having feelings for another guy anyway. I always said I would never love another man, so did he. Maybe this is his way of telling me that I shouldn't have even considered being with Chris. Maybe this is his way of reminding me of all the things we used to say to each other. Or maybe he's just trying to tell me what I thought from the very beginning. That I'm not ready to have those types of feelings again. I sigh, I don't know part of me thinks that Stephanie was right. That he would want me to be happy. I hear the roof door open behind me and it snaps me from my thoughts seconds before I am being knocked to the roof floor. "What the hell." I say. I turn around and freeze when I realize that I am in Chris's arms. He is to close, way to close. And for a second… I shake my head. I push his arms from around me and quickly stand up.

"I should be asking you the same thing. What the hell were you just doing?"

"I was standing up here getting some fresh air. What, you didn't think I was going to jump did you?"

"Well after your little episode last night. It crossed my mind yes."

I shake my head "Why do you care?"

"Because I do."

"As much as you care about Jessica." I say. I don't know why I just said that. It must be the hurt and anger talking. Maybe jealousy. All's I know is that I shouldn't have said it.

Chris looks visibly shocked "What?"

"Never mind forget it."

"No what the hell is going on Shawn."

"What are you doing up here anyway?"

"I was looking for you. I wanted to see that you were ok. I went to my room and you weren't there. So, I don't know. I guess the roof is where I'd be so.."

"Oh. Well I'm fine. So you can go now."

"No you're not fine. You weren't fine last night when you went in to convulsions. You scared the shit out of me Shawn. And the bar tender said you had been there the night before. What the hell is going on." I stood there shaking my head "You know what? Fine. Go right ahead and self destruct but don't expect me to stand around and watch you do it."

"I never asked you to. So why don't you get out of my face." A few seconds later I hear the door slam shut again. I sink to the roof floor. Oh god that was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I never wanted to hurt him. But I can't think of any other way. Being his friend, I know now that it just hurts way to much. So maybe if he hates me it won't hurt so much when he's not around. I hate that I am so messed up over this especially when he doesn't feel the same way. I mean sure, he obviously cares but…I sigh. This is what I wanted from the beginning right?

Unfucking believable. That jackass. All I did was help him. Why is he being like this. The worst part is I shouldn't even care. He obviously doesn't. And what was all that crap about Jessica. How everything get so messed up. Jessica. Everything was fine until she left. Yeah because until then it didn't matter to me much that I had this thing for Shawn. I storm down the stairs and back into the restaurant and sit back down where I was before.

"Chris. Where did you go? Is something wrong?" Jessica asks

"It's fine. Everything's fine." I say in my most sarcastic tone.

"Ok." she says skeptically. When I don't say anything for a few minutes she continues "So um what's on the agenda for today."

"How can you do that."

"Do what?"

"Sit there and act like nothing happened between us." I start to yell. I take my hand sweeping it across the table knocking over the glasses "We were happy, at least I thought we were and then you tell me your pregnant and you just bail. And then you think you can just show up here out of nowhere? What the hell are you doing here anyway? I…" I know I am making a scene. I see tears in Jessica's eyes and I stop before she gets up and runs out of the restaurant. "Shit." Everything's just going so well for me today. I get up and run out of the restaurant after her. "Jess, Jessica wait. I'm sorry. I don't know…"

"No I'm sorry. You're right. I shouldn't have come back here. I don't know what I expected to happen. I'll just go."

I sigh "You don't have to do that. God is this some secret plot to make me go crazy? I don't care that you're here but I do care why you're here. So what is it what's going on." I see fear in her eyes "It's something with the baby isn't it?" She nods "I knew it."

"I'm scared Chris. I've been pretty sick. I've had really bad head aches and I've been throwing up a lot, way more than just average morning sickness." she paused for a moment "I passed out last week during opening statements of a case. They haven't called me back with the test results yet. That's why I'm here. I can't do this alone Chris I just can't."

Guilt comes over me like an ocean wave. I was just yelling at her and she came here to tell me how sick she's been carrying my baby. I am such an ass hole. And she's been dealing with this by herself because my pride wouldn't let me call her. I walk over and hug her tight. "You won't have to. I'm sorry for not being there more. Everything will be ok, whatever the problem is we'll get though it." I just wish I feel as confident as I sounded.

Well now you know why she's back and it looks like she's gonna be back to stay for a while…could mean more trouble for Shawn and Chris.


	23. i never stopped to think of you

this is a record for me lately and would you believe it, i actually have this capter finished and then couldn't post it due to upgrades or whatever on the sight. i know exactly what the next chapter is going to be. but i am going on vacation on thrusday for a week so i'm not promising anything other than i will do my best to get another update in. 

I sit in catering waiting for Vinny Mac to show up for the pre show meeting. I yawn. Man I'm tired. I've been running around way to much lately. Fozzy has been playing a lot of gigs because of the new album. And Jess has been suffering some serious insomnia. I didn't think that they were supposed to get that until last few months but I guess I was wrong. And it seems like she always needs something. I don't know. I guess I shouldn't be complaining. She's the one actually going through it. Jay and Jeff walk in holding hands and sit next to me.

"Hey guys."

"Hey." They both say. Then he walks in. Shawn makes eye contact with me for a second then looks away before going to sit by Kevin Hunter and Randy. It's been 2 weeks and he still does this. Every time I'm in a 50 foot radius of him he turns and practically runs in the other direction. I'm supposed to be avoiding him damn it. I was so mad at him, hell I still am. So this shouldn't be a problem really except for the fact that it's beginning to drive me crazy. I don't want to keep looking at him but I can't stop. I watch him talking to Randy. He has been spending way to much time with the legend killer for my liking lately.

"So you and Shawn are still not talking I see." Jay says obviously he noticed me looking at him.

"Nope." I say. Vince finally comes in and starts to meeting. At least I'll have something to distract me for a few minutes. He goes through the usual bullshit about who's facing who giving last minute instructions even though we all know there will probably be last last, or maybe even last last last last minute instructions.

"Ok so after this week we'll be doing a week tour in Florida, then up the coast through the Carolinas through New Your then through Canada just so you guys know what the plan is." I hear Shawn groan at the mention of Canada. Something in me just snaps.

"What you got a problem with Canada Shawn?" I say

"Chris what ever you're doing stop." Jay says

"Don't do anything stupid." Jeff says. They obviously don't know me very well. I wouldn't do anything stupid like try to humiliate Shawn in front of all of our co workers. No I wouldn't do anything like that.

"What can the great HBK not handle a little heal heat. Do the boos and a certain chant get to you Shawn?" Shawn stands up and turns around

"Shut up Chris."

"Shut up? That's all that you can come up with? No witty comeback? What's the matter are you afraid they might be right?"

"As usual you have NO IDEA what you're talking about. So like I said before shut up about things you know NOTHING ABOUT." Shawn turns and storms out of the room and the door slams shut behind him. I look around and the whole room is glaring at me.

"What's his problem?" I say

"What's his problem? What's your problem you ass hole?" Hunter says

"Yeah what the hell are you trying to do Chris?" Kevin says

"Yeah don't you think that that was just a little harsh?" Jay says

"To harsh? After everything that happened you really expect me to care about his feelings? I don't fucking think so."

"Kevin please move aside so I can knock some sense into this idiot." Hunter says

"Hunter you're not going to hit him."

"Oh yeah why not?"

"Because I'm gonna hit him" Kevin says. My head snaps sideways as his fits connects with my jaw. "I swear if you only knew."

I stare at him with daggers in my eyes "If I only knew what?" Kevin opens his mouth to say something then growls throwing his arms up in the air walking away. "Yeah that's what I thought."

"What was that Chris?" Jay asks

"Not you too."

"No seriously what? He hurt you so you hurt him back? Real mature attitude man." I let out an angry breath and walk out of the room. Why is everybody concerned about poor Shawn? What about me. I'm more messed up over all this than he is and everyone keeps taking his side. He's the one that pushed me away. He's the one not talking to me. I can't wait to get the hell out of this place and away from these people. I walk into the locker room and before I get to the open area I hear voices. Great just what I need right now to deal with more people. When I hear just who's voices they are I turn around with every intention of leaving the room but something makes me stop.

"And then I hit him." Kevin says. Obviously rein acting the events after Shawn left.

"Oh god Kevin. Why did you do that. This isn't want I wanted."

"Why the hell do you think? He had no right saying those things to you. You know they're not true and you know that Bret didn't think so either. You really shouldn't let yourself get so worked up about it." I peak around the corner to watch as Shawn, who is sitting on a bench, rests his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.

"You know why that particular situation bothers me so much."

"Yes I do know. That leads us back to the same conversation we've had so many times lately and I think you know the one I mean." Shawn nods

"Kevin can you just go. Please." Shawn says in a small voice.

Kevin sighs "Alright fine. I see you back at the hotel ok." Shawn nods. Kevin sighs again and starts to walk toward the door. I quietly step inside a closet that is so conveniently next to me. Man if he were to see me in here I would never hear the end of it. The "in the closet" or even "coming out of the closet" jokes would be endless. I hear the main door shut and I open the door slightly to make sure that no one is around and I step out and walk to my previous spot. Shawn is putting his close in his bag. At first neatly then he seems to get increasingly angry because the close got put into the bag faster and faster until he was throwing them. Finally he stops. He has a picture in his hand. He sits down on the bench. I hear him start to cry. He looks at the picture again and rips it up and throws it to the ground. He stands up quickly and grabs his bag and I step once again into the closet as he walks out the door. I walk slowly out and sit on the bench that Shawn had been sitting on. What the hell is going here. I pick up a few of the pieces of the picture that Shawn had ripped up and my heart stops. It's a picture of us at Hunter and Stephanie's party. I start to shake. Everything that I just watched hits me. What have I done. I never meant to hurt him that bad. I don't even know why I said what I said. I should know better than to say anything about Brett. I know how much Brett dieing hurt him. I am a horrible person. I would go try to find him and apologize but I think it may be better if I just let him be for a while. Hell I wouldn't want to listen to me right now if I were him. What a huge mess I've made. I'm an idiot. No damn it. He hurt me too. After everything I did for him there is no excuse for what HE said and how he's been acting. He needs to stop being that word that rhymes with wussy about anything having to do with Brett Heart. Yeah they were friends and he died but it's been years since that happened. He needs to get over it already. And he's god boy, I was just doing a little eye for an eye. Yeah maybe if I keep telling myself all that I'll be able to sleep tonight.


	24. do the feelings you have keep you burnt

I am so sorry this took so long to get up. A lot's happened in my life since I posted the last chapter. But I'll for go the bull and get on with it.

* * *

I groan as I roll over and pull the pillow over my head. It is way too early for my, ok Jessica's, door bell to be ringing especially on my day off. I grumble and mumble some curses and get out of bed and head to the door. The door bell keeps on with it's annoying ringing. I open the door to see Jay, Jeff and Adam standing there. I sigh "What are you guys doing here?" I ask rubbing at my chest in a sleepy fashion. 

"What do you mean what are we doing here?" Jay asks

"It's spring." Jeff says

"And it's Thursday" said Adam.

"Which means…" Jay says

"Football!" we all said. Ever since the guys and I saw Rocky's movie Walking Tall we started our own tradition of getting together on Thursdays to play some football. It started off with just a few people but now almost everybody from each roster comes to play if they can.

"Alright alright. I'll go get changed and tell Jess that I'll be back later." I say

"Man they're not even together and he's still whipped." Jeff says

"Watch it." I say looking at them dangerously. Jay and Adam look away from me holding up there hands. I find Jess in the baby's room in deep thought.

"Hey you're up." She says

"Um yeah, what are you doing."

"Just thinking about how to decorate this place. But I'm not really getting that far."

"Oh well it's Thursday so I'm going to ah," I start to say

"Go play football with the guys?" She says smirking at me "Maybe I'll come watch. It'll be better than standing in here in a stupor all day. Maybe some fresh air will do me good."

"Alright." So I quickly change and we hop in the car and head to the local park. I get out of the car and start to walk toward the group when I see Shawn standing there talking with Kevin and Hunter and Randy. I stop in my tracks. The others keep going and it's a few seconds before they realize I'm not still there and turn around.

"Chris? What are you doing?" Jay says walking back toward me

"What am I doing? What are you doing?" I say in a whisper pointing at Shawn. "I'm going home I shouldn't be here when he is I…"

"Chris it's just football. And do you really feel like explaining why you want to go home to Jess?" Jay says. I let out a breath knowing he's right. I'll just have to get through this some how. It doesn't help me when I see that Shawn notices me standing there.

"What the hell is he doing here." Shawn says

"Easy Shawn." Hunter says.

Oh yeah this is going to be real fun. So we pick teams. At least they were quick thinking enough to put Shawn and I on different teams.

"Alright how about those trees over there and that bench and that tree over there are end zones and the sidewalk and that line of trees over there out of bounds. Other than that you know the rules. Two completions gives you a first down. First team to score 5 wins. Let's play." Jay says. I run with my team into a huddle.

"Alright guys…" Matt Hardy whispers. We tend to have either him or Jeff play quarterback because they have the football experience. "Jay you go on one end and Jeff on the other head out about 10 feet and cross each other Chris run up the middle and once you get out about the same turn around and head back toward me."

I nod and so does Jeff "Alright." says Jay.

"Ready and break." Matt says joined by us all with a clap. We head to the line. "Blue 42, blue 42..." I turn and look at him with a raised eye brow and he shrugs "Rover sit set hike." I take off up the "field" and I look around to see that Jay and Jeff weren't open and I turn around to head back up field and Matt throws the ball to me and right before I catch it Shawn comes out of nowhere to knock it away. I look at him and he just smirks. Which just adds to me being pissed. We run back to huddle up again. "Alright this time I'll fake a hand off to Jeff then throw down the right side to Adam. If not Chris go down the other side and try to be open." We all nod and go back to the line. I take off down the field again and Shawn somehow is right on my ass and runs me out of bounds. I growl in frustration. Shawn laughs at me. Luckily Adam was open and got us one of our completions. "Alright we need another completion so let's go for a short pass. I'll just hit anyone who's open." We all start to run and Shawn is right there…again. I look around and no one else is really open either and I see John Cena go and tackle Matt. Great. "Alright this is our last chance. Let's just go for it. Shannon, run up the left side and cut across the field. Jeff Start off lined up on the right and run out toward the left side of the field. Adam and Chris head for the end zone." We line up again and I take off as soon as Matt says hike I start off running hoping to get a jump on Shawn but I'm not so lucky. He's manages to stay with me all the way to the end zone. I look over my shoulder and see that Matt had thrown the football to me. Shawn knows it too. I jump to catch it and Shawn jumps too and when he reaches up to block me from catching the football he hits me with his elbow and knocks me off balance and I end up on the ground on my knees with the football a few feet in front of me.

"God damn it!" I yell and slam my fists into the ground. Adam walk over to me and helps me up.

"Let it go man. We need to play defense ok?"

"Oh I'll play defense alright." I say glaring at Shawn. The game goes on like that for a while. Shawn or I don't let the other one do much. I don't know how he does it no matter where I go he's right there. Every time he blocks me I get increasingly angry and put that much more energy into blocking him. At least I can tell he's as frustrated about this as I am. I've heard more swearing out of him playing this game than probably in the whole time I've known him. Before I even realize it both teams scored twice. They are about 5 yards from the end zone at this point so defense is really important now. Shawn and I run at each other and the collision is pretty massive. My foot hit's a patch of wet grass or something and slips out from underneath me and I fall to the ground on my back with Shawn on top of me. I look up at him and he has fire in his eyes. We're both breathing heavily. I notice beads of sweat dripping down his forehead. Oh god this isn't happening now. I start to panic slightly. Something in Shawn's eyes changes and I don't quite know what to make of it. I look up to see that he has my wrists pined down. He let's go of one of them and pushes a piece of hair off of my face. For a second it almost feels like he's going to kiss me. My heart is beating so fast, I bet he can tell. I start to get that everything's cloudy feeling.

"Um…guys? Guys." Jeff says. I look around and realize that everyone that was playing is now staring at us. Shit. I wonder how long we've been laying like this. Shawn looks wildly around too and quickly stands up. He paces back and forth a few times.

"Fuck this." Shawn says and walks away. I watch him get in a car and drive away. I sigh heavily.

"Well it's been real fun guys but I think I've had enough football for one day." I say and walk toward my car. I get in and I let what just happen replay in my mind "God that was intense." I sigh and lean my head back against the seat.

I don't know what is wrong with me lately. Normally I don't even like clubs. But here I am. I blame Kevin and Hunter. They dragged me here. When I heard Fozzy, Chris's band, was playing I most definitely didn't want to come. But Vince wants as much publicity for the next pay-per-view as possible and he suggested that we all go to one or more of Fozzy's shows before then. So here we are even though I still don't know why. Lord knows I don't need to be within 10 feet of the man. Even when I'm supposed to hate him I can't seem to control myself. I almost ravaged him in the middle of our football game for god sake. It was so intense and we didn't even do anything. I don't even want to think about how it would feel if we did.

"Shawn come dance with us." Randy says. Waving to me with Stacy Keibler and John Cena.

"No I don't think so." I say

"Come on Shawn." Stacy says.

"No guys I seriously can't dance…at…all…my ring entrance is the extent of my dancing."

"Alright suit yourself man." Randy says walking off holding hands with John and Stacy. I still haven't been able to figure out just which one of the two of them Randy was actually with. I suppose it doesn't really matter that much. Finally a man comes out to the stage.

"Alright ladies and gentleman boys and girls of all ages, what you have all been waiting for. The best rock band in the history of rock bands Fozz!"

Kevin grabs me and along with Hunter and Stephanie we push our way through the crowd up to the front where Jay, Jeff, Shane, Shannon, Matt, Adam and Amy already are. The band comes out and starts playing then Chris comes out on stage. He starts running and jumping around like a crazy person. The energy he gives off is pretty intense. And damn if he doesn't look hot as hell in a black wife beater and black cargo pants. They start to play. They actually are pretty good. A lot better than I was expecting after hearing them play on RAW. I'm not much into this kind of music but I'll admit it's growing on me. The first song ends and the reaction is crazy. There are Y2J chants and Fozzy chants from everywhere. I can't help but smile a little.

"I hear Fozzy chants and Y2J chants which one is it?" Chris yells into the mic.

"We love you Chris!" I turn and notice it was a guy who yelled that. My eyes go wide.

"Ah the men love me in North Carolina." Chris says and laughs. I laugh at that. I stand there memorized watching him perform. He was born to do this. "Alright well this is a song I wrote a while ago and it's taken on new meaning for me lately. It's called the burn."

_Feel the burn  
Do the feelings you have keep you burnt  
Has the feeling you've made help you down  
Violation, salutation, complication  
Realization, indecision, clears my vision  
I'd like to take it all and shove it back in your face_  
_My screaming yeah, feeling this way for too long  
My dreaming yeah, feeling this way for too long  
Feel the burn, feel the burn, feel the burn  
All the dreams that you have not aroused  
As the ladder you've climbed, falls down  
Selfish reasons, change of seasons, trust no other  
Cheat another, sound of violence, hymn of silence  
I'd like to take it all and shove it back in your face  
My screaming yea, feeling this way for too long  
My dreaming yea, feeling this way for too long  
Feel the burn, feel the burn, feel the burn  
Do the feelings you have keep you burnt  
As the ladder you've climbed, falls down  
My screaming yeah, feeling this way for too long  
My dreaming yeah, feeling this way for too long  
Feel the burn, feel the burn, feel the burn_

I almost get tears in my eyes by the end of the song. I wipe at my eyes nonchalantly hoping no one will notice. That song, the lyrics…I couldn't have written anything better about how I have been feeling lately. Kevin must have made the same connection because he puts his hand on my shoulder. "Maybe this was a bad idea."

"No. It's fine really." I say

Chris looks around and takes a big sigh before he starts to talk. "Well after that I think I need a drink. Hey bartender! Hey can I get a beer up here?" He looks around at the audience "No one minds if I drink a beer do they." The crowd cheers "I'll take that as a no. I'm not the only one drinking am I?" The crowd cheers again. "Alright then." A beer gets handed to him. "Alright. If you have glasses raise them. I just wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you all for coming out. You guys rock." he takes a small sip of the beer. Everybody boos. "Ok, ok, ok…how about I get one of you up here to show me how it's done." I see him look around the audience and point to someone. To my dismay it's the same guy who yelled out earlier. What the hell is Chris thinking? "So what's you're name."

"Tom." The man says. Yeah he would have a name like Tom. I shake my head.

"Where are you from." Chris asks

"I am from Raleigh but I go Duke." He says

"Oh…" Chris says in a tone that says I just had to pick a person who goes to Duke. "You are 21 right?" Then he thinks for a minute "What am I saying we're in the South you guys start drinking as toddlers. Are you ready?" The guy nods "Chug chug…" He starts waving his hand and the rest of the audience joins in and the guy slammed the beer. "Alright he did it!" The guy gives him a hug and Chris leaves his arm around his shoulder. The guy just keeps looking at him and looking at him. He pats at Chris's shoulder. Then it hits me. Oh my god the guy is hitting on him. In front of all these people he's actually hitting on him. How dare he make a move on my….Chris…how dare he make a move on Chris. Part of me wants to go up there and rip his arm right out of the socket. But the rest of me knows that I have no right to do that. Then my anger turns to amusement because I can see the realization of what the guy is doing come across Chris's face. He looks absolutely terrified. He starts patting the guys back and laughing lightly. He starts looking around wildly like somebody get this guy the hell off my stage. Some stagehands come and help the guy back down on the floor. "Alright let's get this show back on the road shall we?" They play some more songs and the rest of the superstars end up dancing around like idiots. I even chanted Duff sucks at one point. Our antics eventually catch the attention of the people around us and of course Chris.

"Well well well, ladies and gentlemen it seems we have some of my fellow WWE collogues here with us tonight. Who do we have here? I see the brothers of backstage tomfoolery Edge and Christian! Come up here guys. Oh and there's my personal superhero and yours the Hurricane. And the most extreme brothers in all wrestling and the queen of extreme Matt and Jeff Hardy and the lovely Lita. And who could forget the prince of punk and number one Mfer Shannon Moore. And there's big daddy cool Kevin Nash!" Right then Chris notices me his eyes go wide with shock "And stop the show ladies and Gentlemen because it's the showstoppa himself Shawn Michaels. And the doctor of thuganomics and the ledged killer John Cena and Randy Orton." Chris fans himself. "She's got legs ladies and gentlemen she's Stacy Keibler. And last but certainly not least it's all about the game Tripple H and the billion dollar bitch Stephanie McMahon. Somehow we all squish ourselves on to the stage. Chris shakes all of our hands and Kevin starts to leave. "Hey hey…where are you going? You're not going anywhere. This is a concert… and you guys are all on stage… who wants to hear them sing something?" The crowd cheers. "Don't worry I'll make it easy for you." The music starts and he has us sing ACDC's TNT. I don't know the words but all's we really had to sing was cuz I'm TNT and Chris took care of the rest. I looked out over the faces. The crowd was a lot smaller than at a WWE show. You see everyone's faces. This was a pretty big rush. No wonder Chris liked doing this so much. John and Randy do a stage dive and they get carried all around the audience. The song ends and we make our way back down to the floor. Pretty soon the concert's over and I find myself being pulled backstage by Hunter and Stephanie.

"Hey…what are you guys doing I can't come back here I don't want to…"

"Well I want to tell Chris what a good job he did and since you drove here with us you don't really have much of a choice." Stephanie said we find a door marked Fozzy and Stephanie knocks. Chris opens the door.

"Hey Trips. Steph."

"Hey good show man." Hunter says

"Thanks." He says. His eyes lock with mine. I swallow hard and my heart beats a little fast. "Hey."

"Hi." I say. Real smooth Shawn.

"I'm glad you came. It, uh, means a lot."

"It was a lot of fun you guys were pretty good."

"Hunter I'm kind of thirsty will you come with me to find a drinking fountain." Stephanie says. No! What is she doing. She can't leave me alone here with him, she wouldn't. The two of them walk away holding hands. I guess she would. I take a deep breath to try to ease the panic that is slowly building up inside.

"Do you want to…" Chris takes his hand and rubs it over the back of his neck "come in?"

I need to tell him no. Just tell him that I came with them and I should really… "Ok." Damnit! Here we go again. My brain has completely detached itself from my mouth. His guitar player, I think his name was Richard or something…Chris called him The Duke was sitting on one of the couches.

"Wow! Shawn Michaels." He gets up and walks over to me and shakes my hand and then looks at Chris "Oh I almost forgot I've got that thing that I've got to go do right now. I'll just be…I'll just be not here." And he walks past me out the door and let's the door shut behind him. This room suddenly feels a whole hell of a lot smaller.

"So.." Chris and I say at the same time. I look away and bite my lip nervously.

"Go ahead." Chris says

"I was just going to ask how Jessica was doing."

"She's ok. She's been pretty sick. The whole pregnancy thing has been pretty tough on her. She ended up in the hospital at one point before she came to see me. They found out she's gestational diabetic it's been a lot better now that they know that but…she's not out of the woods yet. "

"Oh wow I didn't know that I'm really sorry man."

"Yeah…well." Chris says "I just hope that everything's going to be ok ya know. I've been going to doctor appointments and all that other good stuff. Hearing the babies heartbeat is pretty cool you know? Knowing there really is a live little person in there."

"Yeah I remember that feeling when Becky was having Cam." I say. He nods and we stand there in an awkward silence for a minute or so.

"She even got me a special pass so I can be in the courtroom when she tries her cases." Chris says.

"That's pretty cool."

"Yeah it's actually pretty interesting. She's actually trying a case right now of a pretty big drug dealer from Key West. So you really liked the concert?"

"Yeah, you are amazing up there."

"Thanks it's a lot of fun. A totally different animal than the WWE."

"I do have a question though."

"Oh yeah what's that?"

"How long was it exactly before you realized that guy was hitting on you." Chris smiled and laugh lightly if I'm not mistaken blushed a little.

"Yeah well I'm pretty oblivious to that kind of thing Jess practically had to wear a neon sign that said I like you Chris in big block letters." He said. Hum, good to know. And not an entirely bad idea…what the hell am I thinking? Now it's my turn to blush

"Maybe you should go find him you guys would have made a cute couple." I say laughing

"Ah he wasn't my type anyway." Chris says he winces a little. My eyes go wide. "I was just kidding."

"Uh, I better go find Stephanie and Hunter." I say. Suddenly I feel the need to have a drink myself.

He sighs heavily and looks away from me. "Look Shawn, I just want to apologize for how I acted that day in the meeting. I really don't know what came over me."

"It's ok." I say

"No it's not. I know how sensitive you are about Bret. And I went right for that nerve. I wasn't being a very good friend."

"No I'm the one who wasn't being a good friend. You took care of me that night in the hotel and the next day on the roof I said some pretty awful things to you and I treated you pretty bad too."

"You really scared me Shawn. I don't know what I would have done if something had happened to you."

I sigh "I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you. And then when I woke up and realized where I was I just was embarrassed I guess."

"You don't have to be embarrassed around me Shawn." Chris says. I can feel my cheeks flush. "I mean we're friends you know."

"Yeah friends." I can hardly contain the disappointment in my voice. Chris looks at me with a curious expression on his face.

"Shawn, what…" Chris was cut off by the dressing room door opening. Stephanie and Hunter walked in.

"Hey, Shawn you ready? I've got an early day tomorrow." Stephanie says

"Um," I say looking wildly between Chris and the two of them. "Yeah I guess. I guess I'll see you around Chris."

"Yeah, see ya Shawn." I start to walk out the door when Chris grabbs my arm. My breath catches in my throat and my heart starts beating a little faster and all I can concentrated on is his fingers on my skin. I wince that the slightest touch from him can make me react like this. "We're…OK aren't we?"

"Yeah." I walk out the door and close it behind me and lean back against the wall, and take a deep breath. God why does he have to care so much. It isn't making things any easier on me when he says things to me like I don't know what I would have done if anything had happened to you. I need to stop this. Yeah, I think I've had this conversation with myself a few times lately. I look over and Hunter and Stephanie walking back toward me.

"Shawn? You coming?" Hunter says

"Are you ok? Did you two fight again?" Stephanie asks

"No, I'm fine, everything's fine." I say. Boy do I wish saying something would make it true. Because really fine would be the last word I would use to describe how I was feeling right now.

* * *

Alright so there you have it. I hope the football part made sense. My family and I always play 2 hand touch football so hopefully it sounded ok. And just so you know I actually saw Fozzy in concert last summer and I used that to write this chapter. And yes a guy really did get called up on stage to chug a beer and end up hitting on Chris, it was probably one of the funniest things I've ever scene. I'm not promising anything on when the next chapter is going to be up, I'll be honest the only thing I know for sure is going to happen in the next chapter is the end so I apologize in advance. Oh the lyrics are to an actual Fozzy song, I didn't write them I'm not claiming to have writen them. That just seemed to be a fitting song for him to sing at this point. 


	25. there's nothing ever wrong but nothings ...

So I don't know what is going on with this sight, my stories aren't staying up. I updated this story on Sunday and it still doesn't show that it's been updated. So that could be why I'm not getting reviews. Please review! I love getting them, they make my day. I did some figuring the other day and this story has probably around 13 chapters left. This chapter is the beginning of the end.

I stand in the middle of the nursery and inhale the fresh paint. Jessica and I were spending the day finishing up the baby's room. I look over and Jess pulls down her mask and smiles at me. "It looks good dad." She says

"God that's so weird, I'm gonna be someone's dad." I say and laugh slightly. She comes over and gives me a hug.

"Oh man I have to sit down my feet and my back are killing me." She says and sits down on the floor. I sit down behind her and put a hand on her shoulder and use the other one to rub her back. She sighs. "Thanks." she looks over her shoulder and smiles at me. She leans forward and kisses me. Oh my god. What the hell is she doing. There are sirens going off everywhere telling me this is a bad idea. This shouldn't be so weird. It's not like I haven't kissed her before. Try not to panic, oh god, oh god, oh god. Then my mind drifts to my last kiss, with Shawn. I close my eyes and imagine his lips on mine and the smell of his hair. Hair that smells like flowers…flowers? No that's wrong it…I snap back to reality and realize exactly what I was doing.

She gets up and starts to head out of the room. "I'm gonna go start dinner."

I sigh heavily and let myself fall back on to the floor. Damn it. What the hell is going on. Do I really want to blow another chance with Jess for these stupid feelings for Shawn? That's what stopped me. Why did my mind have to drift to Shawn? Being with Jess should be what I want right? Then why did that feel so wrong. And why didn't I stop her? I pound my fist on the floor in frustration. I get up and walk downstairs and out the door and get into my car and just start driving. I don't really even pay any attention to where I'm going or how long I've been driving when I realize I'm pretty close to the ocean. The waves always make me feel better so I turn my car in that direction. I come to a stop in a small parking lot at the edge of the sand. I take my shoes of and start walking down the beach. When I get tired I stop and sit down. How did I get here? How did everything get so messed up? I sigh, I've asked myself that question so many times lately. Jess left me, so should I really be feeling this guilty about not wanting to be with her like that? I don't even know why she kissed me, maybe I'm jumping ahead of myself. And then there's Shawn. Why am I holding on for something that's never going to happen? I sigh heavily and listen to the sound of the waves. My mind drifts back to that beach in Australia with Shawn. I remember how good it felt when he opened up to me and told me something pretty much no one else knows. I chuckle at the memory of the two girls that we met and how they thought we were together. I frown. What am I doing. I can't keep going down this road it only makes things hurt more. So why do I keep doing it? Stop fooling yourself Chris. You know damn well why that is. It's because you love him. I pick up a rock and throw it as hard as I can into the ocean. The air is turning chilly and it's getting dark so I head back to my car and go home. I get home and Jess is sitting on the couch reading a book with the radio on. When she notices me she quickly turns down the radio.

"Hi." She says

"Hi." I say. We both start talking at the same time. "Go ahead."

"About earlier…I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. I don't blame you for not wanting to… I mean, I left you and I understand if… I guess I just needed to see."

"I know and part of me did too. It's just, a lot's happened since we broke up. I'm just a little confused right now."

"So are you saying there's someone else?" She says

"No, not exactly, but there's the idea of someone else. For both of us."

"I think I'm going to go to bed. We have an early flight tomorrow. And I have to go right to court so…I'll see you tomorrow." Things were pretty quiet between us the next day on the plane to New York and then she took a cab to the court house and I went to the arena for the show. At least while I'm here I get a little space from her. I take a look at the card and I see that they are going through with the "gold rush" tournament for the championship. I read down and realize that I'm in it. My heart starts to beat with excitement. I haven't had a real shot at the title in well, a long time. And they've had me on such a loosing streak lately maybe, just maybe, this will be my chance. But then I keep reading and I'm loosing to Adam. Well things just keep getting better and better. This isn't what I needed right now. They haven't done anything with my character in so long. This is my dream but it gets a little frustrating at some times. So frustrating in fact that I end up breaking script and spilling everything to Shelton Benjamin of all people. I walk over to the gorilla position and watch Shawn and Shelty's match. I have to say that I am completely blown away and totally not looking forward to following it. I stumble my way back into the locker room I am sharing with Jay and Jeff and let the door slam behind me. I mutter a string of curses and I sit in a heap on the bench and take off my boots and throw them as hard as I can into my bag.

"What the hell is your problem?" Jay asks

"Do you even have to ask?" I say, my words dripping with sarcasm

"Apparently I do. Because from what I just saw, two of my best friends put on a great match."

"Did you happen to see the end of it?"

"Yeah you lost, so what?"

"Yeah I lost for like the millionth time lately. I'm stuck in mid card hell I swear to god."

"Is that what you think loosing this tournament means? Because if you recall I lost my match tonight too. Look I know how bad you want a title shot. Hell everybody does. But you know what? At least you've had a title shot." He turns to Jeff "You both have."

"Babe don't bring me into this."

"That's not what this is about." I shoot back at him.

"Oh really? So what was with the Mr. Melodrama act? I have to win this tournament, this might be my last shot?" He asks in a mocking tone

"You don't understand…" I start to say but Jay cuts me off again

"No you're right I don't understand. We're living our dream here Chris. We have both been in a lot of the top matched in all WWE history. You host a segment that is unscripted which means they trust you to say whatever you want and they know it will be good. And you're complaining because you don't have to lug around a belt when you travel?"

"You know what never mind. Just forget it. I should have known you wouldn't understand"

"Sounds a little ungrateful to me." Jay finishes

"Screw you Jay."

"I have the words smallest violin playing for you right here Chris." Jay says and walks out of the room. Jeff sighs and follows after a few seconds. Who does that jack ass think he is anyway? I sigh. I change my clothes and head back to the hotel not wanting to hang around to take a shower at the arena. I listen to the angriest music I can find on the way back to the hotel. I get back to my room and head to the ice bucket and put a few ice cubes in a glass and head to the mini bar and open up one of the small bottles and poor it into the cup and set it down on the table. I pull up a chair and sit and stair at the amber colored liquid. I see a note from Jess saying she'll be back later. Good I don't think I'd make very good company right now. Imagine my surprise when I hear someone knocking at the door. I sigh and get up and head to the door.

"Jay I swear if it's you hear to yell at me again I don't really want to hear it I…"I open the door and the person standing there is the last person I expected. "Shawn hi."

"Hi."

"Come in." I say moving out of the way.

"I just came to see if you were ok after tonight."

"Well Adam rang my bell a little when he knocked me with the briefcase but I'm fine now."

"I didn't mean that. I saw your promo with Shelton and I saw Jay walking through the hallway looking pretty pissed. What happened."

I sigh "My whole situation is just wearing really thin on me you know? I feel like I'm living some enormous lie with Jessica playing the happy family. She even kissed me yesterday."

"Well that's good right? That's what you wanted isn't it?"

"I thought it was. It just feels so weird. And then I come to work and they have me loosing all the time lately. And my character is doing the same stuff week after week. Don't get me wrong I love it but, ya know. And they can't do anything about it because my contract is up in a few months, which just leads me to having more nothing good to do. I feel like I'm in WCW all over again. Especially with all that's going on at home I just didn't need to have to loose in this tournament for the championship tonight, ya know?"

"I can understand that, if you're not after the WWE championship or the Word Heavyweight championship you shouldn't be in this business."

"Thank you. I didn't even get my side of the story out and Jay got all mad. He thinks I'm being ungrateful. Hell maybe I am. I just want one thing to be going good in my life, just one. I don't think that's too much to ask."

"It's not. But some of god greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

"Is that in one of the books of the bible somewhere?"

"No, a Garth Brooks song." I look at him with a raised eyebrow and start to laugh.

"Do you think that's what Jessica is to me? An unanswered prayer?"

"I, I don't know." Shawn stutters

"With all this stuff going on at work it makes me wonder if maybe I shouldn't resign my contract. Maybe I'm supposed to be with her after all. She wanted someone who was going to be home more and…"

"But is that what you want? Because if it's not you're still not being fair to her or your child. If you're not happy you aren't going to be any good to them. And kids know when something's wrong. I don't know how but they always know."

I sigh and bite my lip uncomfortably "Do you want to watch a movie or something? I should go to bed since I don't have anything to do tomorrow I'm going to court with Jessica, there was a change of venue to New York in that case I was telling you about. But I don't think I could go to sleep right now."

"Oh, well are you sure Jessica won't mind I wouldn't want to…" He says

"She's not here, she's out with Amy and Trish."

"Amy and Trish?" Shawn asks "I didn't know she knew Trish."

"Yeah they kind of bonded over their mutual hatred for my character during "the bet" story line."

"Oh right. Alright then. What do you want to watch?"

"Well have you scene Butterfly Effect?" I ask.

"No but I think I remember seeing previews for it and stuff. From what I remember it looked ok. "

"That's one of the movies I brought with me." I say. It's one of my favorites.

"Alright let's watch that then." he says. I grab the DVD out of my bag and we head over to the "living room" area of the hotel room and we sit down on the couch. And I put in the movie in and we sit there watching it. As the rather disturbing story unfolds Shawn keeps looking over at me with curious looks. "What the hell kind of movie is this anyway?"

"Just keep watching, trust me."

"Ok." Shawn says. Part of the way through the movie Jessica comes in.

"Hey Chris, Shawn."

"Hey Jess." I say

"What are you watching?" She says

"Butterfly Effect, do you want to join us?" Shawn asks

"No I'm going to go to bed thanks though." She says. A few minutes later she comes back over carrying the comforter off one of the beds. She tosses it over the both of us. "Here."

"Thanks." Shawn says smiling at her. As much as I don't want to I feel my eyes getting tired and I end up falling asleep on and off during the rest of the movie. I wake up and the movie is almost over and I am leaning really close to Shawn.

"Sorry." I mutter sitting up. The movie ends and I look over at Shawn. "Are those tears in you're eyes? Are you crying?"

"Oh shut up. That was a good movie." He says wiping at his eyes. I yawn. "So I guess I better get going."

"Yeah." He stands up patting my thy. "Shawn?" He looks over his shoulder at me "Don't be a stranger ok? I don't like it when your not around."

"Me neither. And I won't." He say giving me a small smile

I opened my eyes and yawned. I stretched trying to ease some of the stiffness in my back. Nothing like a day where you don't have to hurry to go somewhere or do something. But then again that leaves me a lot of time to think. And right now all I can think about is that movie that we watched last night. A guy goes back in time basically and tries to fix things to help this girl that he loves and then only ends up loosing her. Kind of ironic given my present situation. God I don't even know why I went over there last night. Actually yes I do, he just looked so upset during that promo. And then I saw Jay and I remember him saying only Irvine could make someone that angry. And I don't know if the advice I gave him about Jessica was for his benefit or my own. I sigh. I know I need to let this thing with Chris go. So why can't I do it? My stomach tells me it's time to get up. I groan and get myself out of bed and head to the shower. Hoping that some of my troubles will wash down the drain. When that doesn't work I get dressed to head out in search of food. I walk down the hall and hit the button for the elevator. When it opens my heart sinks. Jessica and Chris are standing inside. Holding hands. Chris's eyes go wide and he looks down suddenly very interested in his shoes and quickly drops Jessica's hand.

"Hi Shawn." Jessica says smiling "What are you doing?"

"Uh, I was just, uh, going to get some breakfast."

"Oh so are we, then it's off to the court house." She says "Do you want to join us?"

I wince a little "I don't know, I…"

"Oh don't be silly no one wants to eat by themselves. Come on."

I sigh, well I'm not known for doing the smart thing so… "Um, sure why not."

"Why don't we just eat in the hotel restaurant?"

"Sounds fine." I say. We head into the restaurant and the hostess seats us.

"Let me guess," Chris says "Pancakes, bacon and hash browns?"

"I just may surprise you." I say smirking at him.

Jessica is looking at us with a raised eyebrow. "We've eaten breakfast together a few times." Chris says, smiling at her then at me. "So what are you doing today Shawn?"

"I don't know, I don't really have any plans. I don't ever get much time to sightsee maybe I'll take a look around the city."

"Should I let central park know you're coming?"

"Oh, now that's just cruel." I say chuckling "Now he's teasing me. See all of us went ice skating and I had never been ice skating before…"

"So I spent most of my time holding this ass clown up."

"Hey you said I was getting the hang of it! Not all of us were raised by pro hockey players in Canada." I shoot back

Chris started laughing "No you were. Remember we ended up skating that couples skate by mistake."

"Oh god." I said laughing. That was definitely something I would never forget. "I thought we'd never live that down." Chris and I laugh over this for a few minutes until our food comes.

"I heard that Madam Butterfly is playing somewhere in New York maybe I'll catch that." I say smirking at Chris in between bites.

"Oh I've always wanted to see that." Jessica says

"Now who's being cruel." Chris mumbles. Jessica looks at him curiously "It's an inside joke. When we went to Australia we all saw that play."

"Oh that's cool."

"Chris didn't think so." I say laughing

"What do you mean."

"No, don't you dare." Chris says "Or I will be forced to change your entrance music to Josh Groban tonight."

"Fair enough." I say holding my hands up in defeat. I was actually having a good time. Breakfast actually was going on with out any major disasters that always seem to happen when I'm with Chris.

Jessica looks down at her watch "Oh man we have to get going or I'm going to be late." The waitress walks over with the bill and I reach out to grab it. Chris stops me

"No, no, no. What are you doing?"

"I'll get it."

"No you won't." Chris says sliding the bill toward himself

"No, no, no." I say grabbing the bill and pulling it back toward myself

"No, no, not happening." Chris says and tries to pull the bill back toward him again.

Jessica puts her hands over both of ours "I'LL get the bill." she puts her credit card on the little plate and hands it to the waitress and sighs "Men." The waitress chuckles and walks away and comes back a few minutes later.

"Well it was good to see you again Shawn."

"Yeah see you later dude." Chris says and shakes my hand into a hug.

I get up and head out of the hotel. I'm not really sure where I plan on going so I just pick a direction and start walking. I don't doubt that I have a huge smile on my face. Damn Chris for having that effect on me. He hugged me. I chuckle. I'm acting like a teenager. It's not like a hug means anything anyway. I need to remember that he was holding hands with Jessica when I first saw him today. It was good to hang out with him though. I hope he resigns his contract. I don't know what I would do if he didn't. I don't even know how he became so important but he really has. I find myself missing him when I don't see him for a day, I can't even imagine how bad it would be if he left permanently. I look around, where the hell am I anyway. I look across the street and see a huge Virgin Records store. That could be cool. I walk in and am amazed. This place is huge. I walk down the outside isle stopping a few times to listen to a few groups that catch my eye. I pick up the headphones to The Exies and push play. "Oh man Chris would love this." I say with out realizing I had actually said it out loud. I frown. I need to stop thinking about him. I take of the headphones and set them back on their holder and walk away. I take the escalator up to the other floors and look through the books and t-shirt with my head in a fog. Maybe this wasn't the best place to go to try to stop thinking about him. Every t-shirt I see looks like something he would wear. I growl in frustration and make my way out of the store. Maybe a gym is in order. The hotel has a gym, I'll just head back there. I get to my room and change into my workout clothes and head down to the gym. I get on to the stair climber and keep turning it up until I can barley push down on the stairs. I look down at my watch and realize that I don't have too long before I have to be at the arena. I have to do a promo with that idiot Maria. To think I actually wanted her to win. Christy may have a little excess energy but at least she has a brain in her head. Oh well she'll probably give me something to laugh about during my match with Adam. I really like working with that kid. It's a pretty big honor for me that he puts me in his top three or whatever it is he calls it. I guess that's why I don't mind jobbing to him. As many times as I hear it I don't think I'll ever totally get used to people saying they loved to watch me when they grow up.

Damn and Adam says Jay swings like Sammie Sosa. Maybe Maria was right he is "The Edge" the edge of sanity. I grab my head and stumble toward my locker room. He actually managed to knock me out for a minute or so. I walk in and the nausea and dizziness hit me and I sit down on the bench with my head in my hands. After a few minutes the door opens behind me.

"Shawn are you ok?" Jay asks

"Adam really cracked me one."

"Do you want me to get the trainer?"

"I've scene him. He says I'll live, it doesn't feel like it though."

"Listen, it's probably a good idea you're sitting down."

"What? Why?"

"Well in catering they had on the news…have you scene Chris today?"

"Yeah I ate breakfast with him and Jessica before they went to the court house.. Why?"

"SHIT! There was this special live report one of the people on trial went crazy he's holding everybody hostage."


	26. you'd like to think the worst is over no...

Yippee another chapter! Hopefully they will be coming quicker now, because this is the part that I've have planned out from the very beginning. But I just got a new job finally (let me tell you being fired sucks remind me never to do it again) and I'm slightly (coughs) behind in my school work for my paralegal classes so one never knows.

The words had hardly left Jay's mouth and I had gotten up and started running down the hall. Chris is in trouble I have to get to him. I can't let anything happen to him I just can't. The pain in my head keeps growing steadily. I blink my eyes trying to focus the spinning room in front of me. It hits me that I'm no longer running in fact I'm it's getting really hard to move my feet. Damn concussion dizziness. The next thing I know everything is black. I come to hearing people's voices. Voices everywhere.

"Put him on the ground. Put him on the ground."

"Shawn can you hear me?" Someone says I open my eyes but everything is really bright

"Get him some oxygen."

"No. No. I just…." I say and try to sit up but they push me back laying down "No please I have to get up."

"You have a concussion that I know Shawn, I think I better check for any additional damage."

"No please I have to go I…" I look around and see Jay "Jay please!" He shrugs his shoulders obviously not really knowing what to do "Jay what if it were Jeff?"

Jay's face falls in confusion and he starts pushing the trainers out of the way "Guy's he's fine. I'll personally see to it that he sees a doctor just get the hell away from him." He reaches his hand out and helps me up. "Come on Shawn let's go. I'll drive you're in no shape." He grabs my arm and we head toward the parking lot and get in his car. I grab the door handle as he peals out onto the road. "The court house is just about 5 minutes away, I remember passing it on the way to the arena this afternoon." Somehow I knew this was going to be the longest 5 minutes of my life.

"Thanks Jay." I say. He looks over at me and smiles.

"I'm sure he's fine." Jay says "He has to be, if he's not…" Jay let that dark thought hang in the air. When we got to the court house it was like a mob scene. I pushed myself through the sea of people and around cameras until I got as close as I possibly could and Jay was right behind me. It felt like we stood there for hours. My nerves were shot constantly hearing reporters report back to their stations how grim the situation seemed to look because of how long it was taking. My heart dropped when I heard the ambulance coming through the crowd. It's fine, the ambulance is probably just here as a precaution. It doesn't necessarily mean anyone's actually hurt. I try to take deep breaths to keep myself calm but it doesn't help much. I fold my hands and lean my head against them. Lord? Please watch over Chris and keep him safe. I love him. I am sure of that now. Please don't take him away from me. Please? I can't loose him I just can't.

"Shawn? Shawn look." Jay says pointing in the direction of the stairs. People were quickly filing down them. Oh thank god. I hold my breath as I watch the EMT's and paramedics rush past them into the building. I started pushing my way through the crowd toward the stars when I saw Jessica being helped out by one of the paramedics.

"JESSICA!" I yell and wave my arms hoping she'll see me and she does. Jay and I start running toward her but a good look at her stops me dead in her tracks. She has blood all over her shirt. Shit. My blood pressure rose about 50 notches. I gather myself together and catch up to Jay who is already to her.

"Are you ok?" Jay asks. She burst into tears.

"I'm fine. It isn't my blood…" My eyes go wide "It's Chris's." My heart sinks into my stomach. No this can't be happening.

"What happened is he ok?" I ask

"The scumbag drug dealers father wasn't too happy that we had gotten a verdict to put his son away for a long time." She takes in a few shuddered breaths and continues "They shot the other 2 lawyers I was working with on the case, there dead and they would have shot me too but Chris, he jumped in front of me."

"Jessica is he ok?" I ask again

"I don't know, I don't know…there was so much blood. Oh god. This is all my fault. This is all my fault." The she doubles over in pain. "My water broke."

"Mrs we've got to get you to the hospital." The EMT tells her

"Not until I find out about Chris. Oh god." She says grabbing her stomach again. I look up and see a stretcher being brought down the stairs. It's Chris. I tap Jessica and she looks up and we stand up to follow them toward the ambulance with Jay close on our heals.

"Chris, is he ok?" I ask trying to hide the quiver in my voice

"Are you family." He asks

"No…" Jay says "But…"

"Then I can't tell you I'm sorry."

"Please just tell us what's going on."

"I'm sorry I can't."

I grab his shirt and slam him up against the ambulance. "If you don't tell us something I'll make sure that you are in worse shape than he'll ever be in."

"Ok…ok!" I ease up on my grip "He's not doing well by any means. He's alive but just barely. We had to revive him. He's lost a lot of blood. He was shot in the lower back pretty close to his spinal column. The bullet may have hit some internal organs. If he has any chance we need to get him to the hospital now." I watch in horror as they lift the stretcher in the ambulance and slam the doors shut. We all stand there looking at each other frozen not knowing what to do. Then Jessica doubles over grabbing her stomach.

"Oh god." She strains out.

"Are you ok?" Jay asks

"Another contraction." She said in a panic

I look down her leg to the floor and there was definitely liquid there. "That looks like blood."

"Some thing wrong I know it." She said

"Hey! Hey!" I yell at one of the EMTs motioning him over to us "She's having a baby!"

"How far along are you Mrs." The guy asks

"7 ½ months."

"Come on let's get you to the hospital." He says helping her toward the ambulance I grab her other arm to help support her.

"Go with her I'll bring the car." Jay yells. I nod at him appreciatively. I hold her hand on the way to the hospital whispering any words of comfort I can think of although I don't know how anything is going to be ok after today. Jessica looks increasingly pale. And I notice her start going in and out of consciousness

"She doesn't look so good."

"Well she has what seems to be pre eclampsia she's loosing blood. If we don't stop it quick she could bleed to death. Luckily were not to far from the hospital."

"She said she's been having contractions all this afternoon."

"That's not a good sign. The longer the labor last without medical attention the worse the chances are."

Dear god what more is going to happen today. I can't take anymore bad news. We get to the hospital and there is quite a few doctors waiting for us as we get out of the ambulance I run after them as they take her into the hospital. A person was asking me questions about Jessica. I did my best to answer them as they wrote furiously on a chart.

"Sir I'm going to have to ask you to wait out here."

"No, please I need him with me please." Jessica says in a small voice

"Fine." The doctor says "For now you can be in there but stay out of the way we don't have time to argue."

"Of course." I say grabbing Jessica's hand. I don't know why she wanted me in there so bad but I wasn't about to refuse. The doctors examine her.

"She's fully dilated, it's to late for a c-section." One of the doctors said. I suddenly felt bad that Chris wasn't going to be there for the birth of his child. I held Jessica's hand as she struggled to push out the baby. I gasp when I don't hear it crying.

"It's a girl." A nurse said. She took the baby cleaning her off and handing her to me.

"Oh my god. Jess look it's your daughter." I said leaning her up so she could see. She smiled.

"Hi baby I'm…I'm…" Her eyes closed and she slumped over.

"Give me some suction, she's hemorrhaging." My head snaps to look at the doctor. "Get him out of here." The baby is taken from the room they already have it on a resperatior and I start to back up and Jessica grabs my hand

"Promise me…"

"Jessica…"

"Promise me you'll take care of my little girl," She says in a small voice and swallows hard "and Chris."

"Oh you'll be here to.."

"Please. He loved me but he never looked a me the way he looks at you…promise me you'll look after them."

I squint my eyes shut letting a tear trickle down my face I squeeze her hand and nod "I promise." The doctors push me out of the room I back up looking down at my hands there's blood on them how did that get there? I wipe them furiously at my shirt until my back hit's a wall and I sink down it and start to sob. Jay comes running up along with Adam and Jeff. "They're working on her…there was a lot of blood. The baby seems ok. They have it hooked up to a respirator I don't think she was far enough along for the baby to be born able to breath on it's own." Jay grabs on to Jeff and Jeff rubs his arms. We wait for what seems like an eternity but in reality it was probably only a few moments when the doctor emerged from the room. He didn't even have to say anything, he had the look. I had scene it before. She was gone.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this but we exhausted all medical capabilities…" I tuned him out after that and I cried. I cried for her, for her new daughter and for Chris. When I finally looked up the doctor had long gone. Jay had gone to call Chris' parents. None of this seems real. It's all just one big nightmare. So why am I not waking up? A new doctor came walking up to me.

"Are you her for Chris Irvine?" He asked

"Yes." I say

"Are you family?" He asks with a raised eyebrow

"I'm uh, I'm his…" I start to say trying to think of an answer that I could tell him so that I could get the information.

"I think I get it." He says "I was told to find you. Chris's condition is very serious. We have him stabilized but he's in critical condition. He's in surgery right now. I'll come back to talk to you again when he's in recovery." I feel relief wash over me. Good news for once. He's alive. And he's going to stay that way, he has to. Then a thought hits me how am I going to tell him Jessica's not. Jay walks back tears streaming down his face.

"His parents are coming on the next flight they can get. There going to call when they get here so I can met them outside." He says to no one in particular. He walks over and sits in Jeff's lap resting his head against his chest. I get up and walk down the hall to NICU where they put the premature babies. I stare through the window at the little girl who had been through so much already and she was only hours old.

"You can go in and see her if you want." The nurse that was in the delivery room says.

"Oh, I don't know, I…" I stutter

"Is this your first kid?"

I wanted to tell her this wasn't my child. That I was barley more than an acquaintance to her mother. But Jessica's words ran through my mind _promise me…_ "No, I have a son actually." It was then that the dizziness of standing hit me. And my eyes blink uncontrollably trying to regain focus.

"Is something wrong?"

"I got a concussion earlier in the ring, we're wrestlers…it's catching up to me again." I say holding on to the wall for balance.

"Here let's get you sitting down again." Jeff, Jay, Adam, Hunter, Stephanie and Kevin come up and are standing around me. I couldn't help but wonder when they had gotten there.

"Shawn why don't you go back to the hotel and get some rest. Well call you when we know anything." I shake my head which only makes my dizziness worse.

"No, I promised Jessica…I promised."

"Are you all waiting on news about Chris." The doctor asked, we nod

"How is he?" I ask.

"He's in recovery, There was some pretty extensive damage to his back near his spinal column. There will be a lot of swelling and we won't be able to tell anything for sure until he wakes up. There was extensive damage to his right kidney and we had to remove it. And we had do some repairs to his liver because that's where the bullet had lodged itself. We had to transfuse 2 pints of blood. He's stable right now but the next 24 hours are critical."

"Thank you doctor." Hunter says

"His family is on the way when can they see him?"

"You can see him now if you like. But I'll warn you he's not conscious." We nod and follow the doctor. We enter the room I look at Chris and freeze. He was so pale. All those machines…memories flooded my brain with such force that they almost knocked me down. My breath caught in my chest and I slowly backed out of the room. I slumped down in a nearby chair. God give me strength. About 15 minutes later Stephanie came and sat down in the chair next to me. She put her hand on mine.

"How are you holding up." I shake my head not able to speak the words "Jay and Jeff went to go meet Chris and Jessica's parents. Adam went in search of coffee and Hunter and Kevin are going to get us all some food. Everyone else has gone home for the night." She says. Everyone else, I hadn't noticed anyone else. But then again I didn't notice Hunter, Stephanie or Kevin either. "You don't want to go see him."

"I do, but I walked in there and saw him laying in the bed like that hooked up to those machines and it just made me think of…and I couldn't stay in there I just couldn't. I can't see him like that."

"I think, maybe you should. This is a completely different circumstance than when…than the last time. I think it would ease your heart a lot if you went in there. Come on." She squeezed my hand and stood up bringing me with her. I walked slowly toward Chris's door and hesitated a moment but went inside. Stephanie let go of my hand and I walked up to the bed. Tears formed in my eyes and quickly spilled over onto my face. I ran my fingers lightly over his hand and then took it in mine. I heard the door shut behind me. I grabbed a chair and sat down.

"Hi, you really gave us a scare." I start running my fingers over his hair and lean up and kiss him softly on the lips "For a second there I thought I was going to loose you. I don't think I would have done to well with that." My body begins to shake with my sobs "Because you see the truth is, the truth is I love you. I love you so much. I don't know how that happened but it did. Please come back to me." I keep muttering that last part over and over as I lay my head down on the bed and let my tears flow until exhaustion takes over.

I wake up to the unmistakable smell of disinfectant. I'm in the hospital. Why am I in the hospital? I rack my brain for an answer and then I remember. My eyes snap open but I am blinded by bright white. I blink a few times letting my eyes adjust. I try to move so I can look around but for some reason I can't. That's when I notice Shawn asleep in the chair next to my bed. What's he doing here? Even though I don't know the answer to that question the fact that he is gives me comfort. I lay there watching him for a while before a nurse walks in.

"How are you doing?" She asks

"Um, alright I guess." I say

"I'll go get the doctor so he can examine you himself." She says and I nod. I notice Shawn is awake.

"Hey your awake." He says

"Yeah, I didn't want to wake you."

"I'm glad I woke up. You're parents were here…they left not to long ago to go get something to eat. They guys were here up until yesterday. But I'm not scheduled for house shows this week so I decided I would stay here so I could give them updates. Jessica's parents…"

"Up until yesterday? How long have I been out? Jessica," The fact that she's not her and probably would be dawns on me "Where is she? Is she ok?" I watch Shawn's face fall and my heart drops. I knew whatever he was about to say wasn't going to be good news.

"You've been out for almost a week. And Jessica well, Chris I, I, I don't exactly know how to tell you this but she's dead. After what happened in the court room she went into labor. Remember how she'd been so sick, well she had pre eclampsia it's some disease of the placenta and it causes a lot of blood and after they delivered the baby they couldn't stop the bleeding. Her funeral was two days ago."

His words hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn't true. It couldn't be. She was going to walk through that door any minute. "No…no. It's not true it can't be." Then something else dawns on me. "Oh my god the baby."

"The baby…is fine. It's a girl. She's beautiful. She's still in an incubator her lungs aren't developed enough for her to breath on her own yet, but they don't think I'll it be long before she can. Everything else seems to be fine. She's strong, like her dad, and her mom."

I close my eyes and tears spill down my cheeks "I have a daughter. Jess is going to miss it all. What am I going do with out her here? She's been a part of my life for so long...what am I supposed to do now. I can't believe I'm never going to see her again. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. How am I going to raise this child with out her here? I don't know if I can do this by myself." I know I'm babbling but I don't care. Shawn stands up wincing a little and comes over and grabs my hand. I here his voice quiver as he starts to speak.

"You're not alone. I'm here, you're parents are here, Jessica's parents are here. And both rosters have been spending all there days off here wanting to know that you're going to be ok. With all of us around you're not going to have to raise her alone. You're probably going to have more help than you want. So don't you worry about that."

"I need to see her, take me to see my baby." I say and Shawn nods. When I go to get up I still can't. "Shawn I know I got shot in the back. They must have tied me down so I wouldn't move to much. Can you just un strap my legs and find a wheel chair or something?"

"Sure." He says. He takes the blanket off me and looks worried "Um you're legs, there not strapped down."

"What do you mean there not strapped down? Then why can't I move my legs?"

Laughs evilly, I can almost hear the ominous music…dun dun dun. Three reviews get you another chapter.


	27. THINGS HAVE NEVER BEEN SO SWELL I HAVE N...

Lucky for you dear readers I'm in avoiding homework insomniac mode. So here is another Chapter.

The words leave my mouth and the answer to my question hits me. I start laughing as hard as I can and pound my fist on the bed "You have GOT to kidding me. No no no, this isn't happening, this isn't happening. This is like some giant nightmare!" I pull at my hair and my laughter slowly changes to tears "I can't handle this, I can't I can't. It's to much. It's to much. No. No, no, no." Shawn sits close on the bed I lean against his chest and sob into his shirt. I feel his hand run up and down over my hair I can tell that he's crying too. I look up when the door opens. A doctor walks in looking apologetic.

"I'm really sorry, the nurse told me you were awake." The doctor says

I sniff and wipe the tears out of my eyes and shake my head. "It's fine. Just do what you need to do." Shawn gets up and stands back against the wall. "I can't move my legs."

The doctor purses his lips "I was afraid of that. It may only be temporary."

"MAY only be temporary." I choke out

"Well you're body has been through a pretty intense trauma Chris. There's a lot of nerve damage around where the bullet entered your back, and a lot of bruising and swelling. We won't be able to totally asses the damage until that goes down. When it goes down you may be back to normal. But I can't tell you that for sure. Now I'm just going to check on your stitches. We had to remove one of your kidneys and repair damage to your liver."

"Oh my god." I say in disbelief

"Like I said your body has been through some pretty intense trauma."

"How bad does it look?" I ask Shawn. He walks over and chuckles a little.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing it's just uh, your bandages, there in the shape of hearts." He says

"Great a doctor with a fucking sense of humor."

"I thought it was appropriate considering…"

"Considering what?" I say totally confused

"Never mind." the doctor says. I look to Shawn for an answer but he just shrugs. If I'm not mistaken his face is all flushed. I make a mental note to ask him about that later. "I also have this paperwork concerning your daughter. Given the circumstances, take your time filling them out."

"Uh, yeah ok." I start flipping through them and I notice at least one thing in common with all of them. They need to know her name. It was still a long time until Jess was supposed to have the baby, we hadn't really talked about it much yet. Especially with the time we spent apart. "They need to know her name. Jess and I hadn't really talked about that much considering…and now" I trail off

"Maybe you should see her…maybe once you do it will come to you." Shawn says. I nod deciding he's right. "I'll go get a wheel chair." Shawn leaves the room. I sigh and let my head fall back against the bed. I can't believe this is happening. When things fall apart they have a tendency to fall apart hard. I just hope the pieces can be picked up from this one. Shawn comes back in pushing the wheel chair and brings it over by the bed. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "You're going to have to help me."

"Yeah." He comes closer and I wrap my arms around his neck and he lifts me off the bed and steps sideways to lower me into the chair. This is so humiliating.

I tangle my hands in my hair. "God I hate this. I hate this." Shawn puts his hand on my shoulder and pushes me down the hall.

"I should probably tell you she's hooked up to a lot of machines. And she's pretty small." I nod. We finally get to the window and I look in.

"Oh my god that's my daughter."

"You're awake." a nurse says

"Um, yeah." I say. I don't have any idea how this woman knows who I am.

"You can go in and see her if you want. Just put this on." She says handing me a mask.

"Ok." I say we go over to the door and Shawn pushes me inside and up to the little incubator. "She so small. Do you think she can here me?"

"Yeah. I'll just, I'll just be outside." Shawn says and backs slowly out of the room.

I reach my hands in the little holes in the side and touch her hand. She grabs my finger with her tiny hand. Her grip surprises me. She's strong. Something tells me she's going to be just fine. Although you wouldn't know it looking at her hooked up to all these machines. "Hi. It's your dad. I'm sorry I wasn't around for you're big day but in my defense it wasn't supposed to be for a little while now. And I'm sorry that you won't ever get to meet your mom. She was a good woman. And she would have loved you. I swear to you I will keep her memory alive for you." I sit there looking at her for a long time and it hits me. "I know what you're name should be. When I was younger I saw this movie Evil Dead. The guy in it is named Ash. I always thought that name was so cool. I can't very well name you Ash, but I can name you Ashley. So welcome to the world Ashley Jessica Irvine." I swear right then she looked at me and smiled even though I'm sure it wasn't on purpose. But it doesn't stop me from thinking that my kid's a genius. "You like that don't you. Good I'm glad." I could stay in here with her for hours. I can't believe this is my little girl. I try to push the thoughts about how I'm going to raise Ashley from a wheel chair out of my head, at least momentarily, and just enjoy sitting there with her. After a while that same nurse comes in.

"Alright this little girl needs her rest and you do too." I nod and she wheels me back to my room. Shawn is sitting there with my parents watching something on TV.

"Hi son." My dad says. My mom gets tears in her eyes and they both come over and hug me. "We almost lost you boy."

"Ah dad you know me, I'm to stubborn to let a little gun shot wound keep me down."

"So how are you feeling."

"Like a no legged man in an ass kicking contest." I say dryly

"Chris that's not funny." My mom says.

"Oh on the contrary mom it's cripplingly funny." I sigh "I'm sorry. Part of me needs this to be funny, otherwise it's just way to tragic for me to handle right now."

"Do you want to get back up in you're bed?" My dad asks. I sigh, change of subject duly noted.

"I guess so." He and Shawn each grab under one of my arms and lift me up on the bed. I lay my head back against it. I can't stress enough how much I hate this. I feel so helpless. I can't even get into bed by myself.

"I'm so sorry about what happened Chris…" My mom starts to say

"Mom don't, I don't want to talk about it."

"Don't worry we'll get through this. We can sell the house and all of us get one together and we can help with whatever you need with the baby." She continues

"MOM! I said I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!" My mom closes her eyes and nods at me. I know that she was just trying to help but her words were not any comfort to me right now. It was just another reality that I didn't want to deal with.

"Maybe we should go, it's getting late and you need your rest." My dad says to me. "We'll come back and visit again tomorrow." I nod apologetically. They leave and the door shuts leaving just me and Shawn again.

"What's wrong with me. She was only trying to help."

"You're going through a lot right now Chris. You're parents understand that." The doctor comes in again.

"Hello again. I'm back to check you out one more time before I'm done for the day." He says a little to cheerful for my liking. "Now tell me if you can feel this" he says taking his stupid little instrument and touching my feet and then up my legs.

"No, no. I can't feel a damn thing ok?" I say in a tone asking if he was satisfied

"Alright. The nurses will be in to check on you periodically through out the night. And I'll be back in the morning. I'll see you then." He says and just as quickly as he came he was gone again.

"Maybe I should go too."

"No, please. Stay. I don't want to be alone right now. I can't be alone right now." Shawn walks over and grabs my hand and squeezes it.

"Of course." He sits back down in the chair.

"Ashley, I decided to name her Ashley." I say.

He smiles at me. "That's really pretty." He says. I just keep talking and talking. About what I don't even know. But if I'm talking then I don't have to think because I am trying so hard not to fall apart here and if I think to much about…what's happened then I know I will. After awhile my tongue gets tired and I run out of things for me to say. My eyes start to feel heavy and I gladly let sleep take me and welcome the escape from reality.

My eyes snap open after a loud crash. I look over and Chris is in a heap on the floor. Shit. I get out of the chair and quickly go to him.

"Chris? What happened. Are you ok?"

I pull him up and put him back on the bed and sit on the edge of it. He leans his head back against his bed. He bites his lip and tears start to stream down his face. "God, I'm so fucking stupid." he shrugs a little bit "I went to go to the bathroom, and I forgot that I, that I can't…" He swallows hard and puts his hands on his forehead. I watch his body start to shake. I can feel my heart breaking for him. I hate that he is going through this. I wish I could take away some of his pain. So I do the only thing I can think of to do. I wrap my arms around him and pull him close to me and start to rub his back. I wish I could say something to make him feel better but I know there are no words that would make everything ok again. After a few minutes he stops crying but makes no move for me to let him go. When I glance down at his arm I see blood. He ripped out his IV.

"Chris your arm…maybe I should go get someone."

He picks his head off my chest and shakes his head no violently. "No. No please just stay here with me. Please." I nod. And scoot myself up where the pillows are I jump slightly when Chris lays his head on my chest. He reaches down and moves his legs so he is somewhat curled up against me. I wrap an arm around him loosely and with my other hand slowly reach up and run my fingers over his hair. I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep until I hear the door open. Jay, Jeff and Adam walk in. They all look slightly shocked. I guess I can see why, Chris is still laying on my chest with my arms wrapped around him and his hand is on my stomach clutching my shirt. A blush comes across my face and I quickly slide myself out of the bed.

"Hi guys." I say

"Hi Chris. Shawn." Jay says

"It's good to see you man." Jeff says

"I'll be the first one to say don't ever scare us like that again." Adam says

"It's good to see you too guys." Chris says

"So how are you feeling." Jay asks

"Well, the mother of my daughter just died, my daughter is in the NICU hooked up to a bunch of different machines, I am missing a kidney and can't feel my legs. How do you think I'm feeling." Chris asked. Then shakes his head. "How did the show go this week?"

"Alright, I got to help Adam try to win the title." Jay says

"It's a long time coming man. I wish they would have let you win." Chris says

"Well we do have one champion in our presence." Jay says. He walks over and put his arms around Jeff's waist. "He took the IC belt off Shelton's hands."

"Babe I don't think he really wants to hear about that." Jeff says. I know that Chris considers the Intercontinental title "his" belt because he's held it so many times. Maybe more than anyone else.

"No congrats Hardy. I'll be all that much easier to get it back when I make my return." Chris says with that smirk of his.

"Well we'll just see about that." Jeff says.

"So how's my niece. You've scene her right." Jay says

"Yeah I spent almost all day in there yesterday." Chris says. His eyes light up.

"Look at you." Adam says "Dad."

"I know that's so weird isn't it?"

"What did you name her?" Jeff asks

"Well I…"

"Oh god tell me you didn't!" Jay says "Tell me you didn't name her after Evil Dead."

"No I didn't name her Ash…that's a boys name. I named her Ashley, Ashley Jessica."

"I like that." Adam says

"And Jess would have liked it too." Jay says. Chris winces a little and looks away. "Sorry."

"I guess I just felt like I owed it to her I guess, and I wanted to keep her memory alive." Chris says "God I can't believe this is happening. It all seems so not real doesn't it?" He sighs. "Hey well at least I won't have to STAND in line for anything anymore right? And I am now a much cheaper drunk because I'm missing part of my liver."

"Chris…" Jay says

"Don't, I know it may only be temporary. I have to hold on to that, I know." Chris says. His IV starts beeping. That's funny I don't remember them coming in to put in a new one.

"I'll go tell someone. I'm getting hungry so I was going to get something to eat anyway. Anyone else want anything?" I say

"Um, sure I'm sure whatever you get will be fine." Jeff says. Jay and Adam nod. I walk out of the room and down the hall to the nurses desk.

"Hi, I was just in room 234 with Chris Irvine. Remember me? His IV is beeping." I say

"Of course Shawn. Alright we'll send someone to take care of it. How'd you sleep last night?"

I think for a second… "Well better than I have in a while I guess." I say truthfully.

"You guys are really cute together. He was absolutely insistent that we be very quiet so we wouldn't wake you up when we came in to check on him."

I close my eyes and feel my face flush. I try to answer her but the words get caught in my throat. "I…uh…thanks." I say and quickly walk away. I can hear her chuckling behind me. I groan. I just hope none of them do anything stupid so that Chris knows why they're really letting me stay here. That would most definitely be a disaster. I head down to the cafeteria and buy some bagels and cream cheese for Jay, Jeff, Adam and I. I get almost to the room and Jay comes out.

"Hey, I was just coming to find you to see if you needed any help." He says

"I'm alright."

"Are you really?" He asks "You look like you haven't slept much."

"I haven't. I've been waiting around for him to wake up. And once he did…"

"He's not handling this very well is he." Jay says with a sigh

"He's battling. Sometimes he seems ok, but in a second that all can change. I just feel so bad. I helped build my house and I built my barn, and I used to help my dad fix the army trucks. So if something goes wrong in my house or with my car, I have a pretty good idea what tools I need or what I need to do fix it. But this, I don't know how to fix this Jay. I wish so much that I did but I don't."

"You really like him don't you?" Jay asks. I can almost feel my jaw hit the floor. What a loaded question.

"I, uh, we're friends." I say

"Come on Shawn. If you were just friends you wouldn't have stayed here all week. And you wouldn't have said, Jay what if it were Jeff back at the arena. At first I thought that you were delusional because of your concussion. Or maybe you just wanted the doctors off you But that's not it at all is it."

I bit my lip and shake my head no. A smile comes across Jays lips. "Jay you can't tell him. Promise me you won't tell him. After everything he's been through it's the last thing he needs to hear right now. It would make everything way to weird."

"Ok Shawn. But Chris…" The door opens and Chris is being wheeled out the door by Jeff. "Is right here. Hey Chris what are you guys doing."

"We decided to go see Ash. Did we interrupt something?" Chris asks with a raised eye brow.

"No. It was, uh, nothing important." Jay says and starts walking with Chris down the hallway. Part of me really wanted to know what he was going to say before Chris came out. Oh well, it's not like he was going to say Chris likes you too so I guess it really doesn't matter.

Well there's another one done. I just had to end it like that. Ya'll know I did. It'll get worse before it gets better believe me. That's the only sneak preview for ya. It may be a little bit…before I get another chapter up I have a midterm due on Tuesday and it's going to be a busy weekend. But the good news is that my breaks will probably be spent on this story. So you never know.


	28. don't it make you wanna think damn

Man, I have to say that working and going to school is totally kicking my ass. Writing this is my little escape. And so I am taking advantage of the 15 minutes I have before I have to get ready for work to start writing this chapter.

To say that this has been the longest week of my life would be an understatement. A day after Jay, Jeff and Adam came to visit they had to leave again with Shawn for a tour in Japan. I can't believe I'm not going to be there. I love being in Japan. The fans are incredible. I've spent quite a bit of time over there because I used to wrestle there quite a lot when I was in my indy circuit days. Out of all the places they could go right now that would have to be the one. So instead I am stuck here at the mercy of the doctors. And every day that goes by I loose hope of ever being able to go back to that world again because it's been a week now and I still have no feeling in my legs. Shawn is being very understanding because I call him almost everyday and when I don't call him he calls to check in. I think he's worried about me which makes me feel all warm inside. But then I feel guilty because Jess just died. And things were so messed up between us I feel like I shouldn't be having these feelings for Shawn. Hell I always thought I shouldn't be having these feelings for Shawn. I have no idea what to do about this. I guess there's nothing to hold me back now it's just…I don't know. He held me so tight that night. And it felt so good to be in his arms again. Better than anything that I've felt in a long time. I was a little disappointed when Jay, Jeff and Adam came in because he let me go. But then I remember that I can't even get out of my bed with out help. And I have to ask myself what would Shawn, or anyone for that matter, would want with someone who's in a wheelchair. I almost didn't want him to come back to visit. I don't like anyone seeing me like this. But everyday it gets harder for me to believe that I will recover. I'm sitting staring out the window of the hospital room when he comes in. I don't know how, but I know. I clumsily turn the wheelchair to face them. He has a small smile on his face. He looks tired and haggard probably from the whorl wind of the being on the road overseas.

"Hi." I say

"Hey."

"So how was Japan?" I ask. I don't know why really because I know almost everything that happened.

"It was good." He says. I start to wheel myself toward him and I was going not even close to a straight line.

"Do you want some help?"

"No I got it." I say as I almost wheel myself right into the dresser "Damn it." Shawn walks over behind me and pushes me over by the chairs in the room. I watch as he slowly sits down his breath catches and he winces slightly while doing it.

"Your back again?"

"Yeah I went over the top and hit the turnbuckle wrong." He says sheepishly

"Well, is there any right way to hit the turnbuckle?" I say

He shrugs slightly "I guess not. Anyway that and a week straight on my knee that I'm supposed to be rehabbing and resting made for an interesting trip home." He looks at me "I see they took out your IV."

"Yeah they told me this morning their releasing me."

"Really? That's great."

"Yeah I guess so."

"So what are you going to do now?"

"I honestly don't know. I haven't thought about it to much. Ash still has to be here for a while longer so I'll probably get a hotel and stay around here until they release her."

"When are they letting you out."

"Well I just had to wait for someone to be here to take me."

"Oh well what are we waiting for then."

"Nothing I guess. Except, well, they uh…had to cut my clothes off and there wasn't time to send anyone out to buy me any more so…"

"Oh ok no problem. I'll be back in a little while then." Shawn says he slowly gets up and starts to walk toward the door.

"My wallet is in the dresser…I don't know if there's any cash in it or not, I can't really remember."

"Don't worry about it." He says and is gone again. I wheel myself down to the NICU and grab a mask and go inside. I want to be with her for a little while before I leave. I hear a knock on the glass. I look over my shoulder and Shawn is standing there. I smile. I wheel myself back out over to him. "Well I'm back."

"So I see."

"Let's get you out of this place huh?" He says. I turn myself around and I let him push me back to my room. I look in the bag at the clothes he picked out and smile. "I figured with your stitches you would want something loose."

"Thanks." I pull out the pants and I see a New York Rangers hockey jersey. I look up at him with surprise. "My dad,"

"I know." He says "I figured you had a hundred of him but…"

"No, thank you." We stand there in awkward silence.

"I'll just wait outside while you put those things on." He says. I nod. I take the pants but when I try to bend down so I can reach to put them on my stomach and my back protest because of the stitches and I can't bend over enough to reach my feet.

"GOD DAMNIT!" I yell. Shawn comes running back in the room

"What's happened? What's going on?"

"I can't get on the pants, I can't bend over enough. God I can't get dressed by myself. This is ridiculous. I'm suppose to go home and I can't even fucking dress myself. How the hell am I going to live like this?"

"Chris it's not going to be like this forever."

"Well every day that goes by it makes that harder and harder to believe."

"Do you uh, want me to help you." He says slowly

I sigh dejectedly. "Fine." I say. He walks slowly over and takes the pants off of my lap and kneels down in front of me. I sit there looking at him as he slides the leg over one of my feet. Why didn't I consider that Shawn helping me get dressed might be a very big turn on before I decided to open my big mouth? I take a deep breath. I have never been glad that I can't feel anything below my waist until now. There is a certain region that I do get feeling in occasionally and I am glad that now was not one of them. Just watching him there like that is enough that I would have had a lot of explaining to do. I'm starting to think that this wasn't my most bright idea. I just hope that he can't tell how much this is actually affecting me. I try to tell him to stop and I would find some way of doing it myself but my mouth is incredibly dry and the words refuse to come out. I close my eyes hoping that if I can't see him maybe it won't be so bad. I am almost relieved when I hear the door open. Then inwardly groan when Jay walks in. I can't even imagine what this looks like.

"Jay, hi." I say

"Good you're here. I'm just uh, going to go get a drink. You finish helping him." Shawn walks by him out the door. I sigh heavily and let my whole body slump in my chair.

Jay leans on his arm in the door way. "Well I can say that I ever thought I would find him helping you INTO your pants."

"What? Oh shut up it's not like that."

"Isn't it? Because you guys were looking a little friendly both times I've come to visit you lately."

"I know, I've just been leaning on him so much." I say

"Then why don't you just tell him how you really feel?"

"Are you kidding me? After everything that's happened I don't think that would be such a good idea. It would make things way to weird. And what would he want with me anyway Jay. I'm paralyzed from the waist down. From the waist down…think about it Jay."

"Look Chris there's a lot you should know about that happened while you were still knocked out. Last week when I was here Shawn told me that…" I look over at the door and smile as Shawn walks back in. "that uh…he just learned to like sushi and was really excited to go to Japan to try the authentic stuff."

Shawn looks at him like he's nuts then over at me "What's he talking about?"

I shrug and shake my head "I have no idea."

"Yeah no idea." Jay adds quietly

Sorry this is so short I had a midterm that was due today and had to work on this between working on that…it sets things up for the next Chapter quite nicely though. Mostly this was just for my own amusement and to torture Shawn and Chris some more. And if y'all are waiting for a chapter from Chris's point of view and going into all his emotions about all of this that will be the whole next chapter.


	29. staring down the barrel of a 45

So this is going to be another song chapter. I don't own the lyrics they are property of Shinedown. I love doing those I don't know why. But I'm warning you right now. I made myself cry while writing this one…

_Send away for a priceless gift  
One not subtle, one not on the list  
Send away for a perfect world  
One not simply so absurd  
In these times of doing what you're told  
Keep these feelings, no one knows  
_

I sit in my hotel room flipping through the channels on the TV. It's been 10 days, 10 days, 6 hours 35 minutes since I woke up to this nightmare that is now my life. And 2 days, 2 hours 47 minutes since Jay and Shawn left me here to rot after going back to the real world. Now more than ever I just want things to be how they were before. Is that to much to ask for? I can't stand this. Being alone is giving me way to much time to think. I have no idea what I'm supposed to now. Everyone acts so sorry all this happened but when it comes down to it I know as well as they do that there's nothing they can do. They keep telling me that things will get better and I have tried so hard to hold on to that. But as of now I don't think that it's going to happen. I know they've realized that I'm not taking this very well, but hell who would. I haven't let them see how messed up I really am at this point. What happened yesterday didn't help much. I fight the images from returning to my mind but they do anyway.

_What ever happened to the young man's heart  
Swallowed my pain as he slowly fell apart  
_

I slowly wheeled my way out in front of the hotel it was raining of course. I had to excuse myself as I made my way through the crowded street drawing everyone with in a 20 foot radius' attention to my condition. They all walked around me and looked down with their superficial sympathetic smiles, it made me want to hurl. I sat there for I don't know how long and still hadn't gotten the attention of a cab. I looked over and a guy came up beside me and was also trying to hail a cab. But he actually managed to get one of those ass clowns to pull over. He looks over at me.

"Why don't you take this one."

"Don't do me any favors Jack."

"I'm not it's just I'm not in that big of a hurry and you were here first."

"Yeah whatever."

"Where too?" The cabbie asked. Then he looked a little uncomfortable when he saw my…condition. "There's no ramp down on this street sir."

"But I've been standing here for I don't know how long. Who knows how long it'll take for me to find another one."

"I guess I could try to help lift you in the car."

I leaned my head back against the chair and close my eyes. I couldn't believe this is what my life would be like now. What I had been reduced to. How I couldn't even do something so simple as hail a cab and actually get in it. "Fine." The guy gets around and awkwardly grabs me under my arms and moves me down the step from the curb so I can sit in the car. I thought nothing could be more humiliating than having Shawn help me into the wheelchair. I was wrong. When he shut the door to the car I close my eyes and a tear ran down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away. This whole situation is bad enough with out a stranger seeing me cry. When I finally get to the hospital and up to the floor with the NICU on it I was shocked to see Jessica's parents. I guess I really don't know why but I was. Shawn had told me they were there for most of the time I was still in the coma but I hadn't scene them since…everything. I wheel up to them and something snapped and I started to cry. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

They both come stand beside my chair and her mom hugged me tight. "It's not your fault Chris, it's not your fault." And we talked for a while and after promising that they would get one weekend a month with her they left.

As much as I appreciated the sentiment it is my fault. If I hadn't gotten shot she never would have gone into premature labor and she wouldn't have waited to go to the hospital to see if I was ok. I take a deep breath. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to live my life having to have other people help me into cabs. I don't want to go through life knowing the only thing that people see when they look at me is a damn wheelchair. Which is why I kept the knife that came with my dinner and it's sitting in front of me on the bed begging me to use it.

_  
And I'm staring down the barrel of a .45 (.45)  
Swimming through the ashes of another life (another life)  
No real reason to accept the way things have changed  
Staring down the barrel of a .45  
_

I realize that it's Monday so I turn the channel to SPIKE to watch Raw. I know I shouldn't but the sadist in me won't allow me to change the channel. I watch the people on the screen. My friends. In what used to be "my" ring on "my" show after all RAW was Jericho. I know it had been pissing me off lately. It seems funny that not to long ago I was complaining about not getting a title shot. Now I'd give everything I have just to be able to get back in the ring again. Wrestling's all I ever wanted to do besides be a rock star. Oh my god Fozzy. I hadn't even thought about my band. It's not like I can't sing anymore but it would never be the same. Part of the fun of it was performing on stage and I really couldn't do that anymore. It's funny how something as small as a bullet can change everything in an instant. I pick up the knife and stare at it. Maybe I'm being over dramatic. I guess I'm lucky to still be alive. But I don't see myself having a much of a life from now on. It's funny that the only reason I can think of not to do it is my daughter. My daughter…

_  
Send a message to the unborn child  
Keep your eyes open for a while  
In a box high upon a shelf  
Left for you, no one else  
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life  
Wrapped in guilt, sewn up tight  
_

I clumsily lift myself into my wheelchair. I go to my bag and take out my wallet. In it is a picture of me and Jess. I get a piece of paper out of the drawer and wrap it around it and write for Ash on it. Then I get out the video camera my parents had left me to video tape Ash for them. I set it on the table holding the TV and wheel my chair in front of it.

"Hi everyone. I don't know really what to say. I can't live like this, I don't want to live like this. I can't spend my life confined to this contraption." I say shaking the stupid chair. "Mom, Dad this is for the best. Just always remember that. Jay, Jeff…you guys were like brothers to me. I'm so glad you two finally found each other because you really gave me hope that love really does exist. And I want you guys to raise Ash. I know you two will give her all the love she'll need and you two will make wonderful fathers. Adam, Matt we've been through a lot together. I'm counting on you to keep that spark in the WWE that only you two have. Adam and Jay I want you two to take over the highlight reel. Only you two could do it justice. To everyone else in the WWE you guys were like family and you all mean the world to me." I pause for a moment "Ash, someday you'll thank me for this. I'm sorry that you will never get to know you're mother. I feel like I'm partially responsible for that. And Jay and Jeff are going to take such good care of you you're not even going to miss the fact that your real father isn't around. I just want you to have a normal life. I don't want to leave you with the burden of having to take care of me. I wouldn't be much good to you. I couldn't cook for you. It would be hard for me to clean. I could hardly play with you. I couldn't take you anywhere because I can't drive. You are in the NICU right now I don't even know how I'm going to get you home because I can't carry you. Someday you'll realize that this was in fact for the best. In Jessica's house there is a box of Every single pay-per view, special video, magazine cover, Fozzy Cd's and anything else that ever had me in it. Ash I want you to have all that stuff. I want you remember me like that. Not the broken down man you see on this video. Good bye everyone. I love you all and this really, really is for the best. I'll see you on the other side." I wheel myself over and turn off the camera.

_What ever happened to the young man's heart  
Swallowed my pain as he slowly fell apart_

And I'm staring down the barrel of a .45 (.45)  
Swimming through the ashes of another life (another life)  
No real reason to accept the way things have changed  
Staring down the barrel of a .45  


I wheel back over in pick up the knife and stare at my reflection in the blade. I never thought I would be contemplating doing what I'm about to do. But I don't really see any other options at this point. Nothing is going to make all of the pain go away except for this. Everything hurts so much I just want it all to go away. I wipe a tear away. No tears this is the right thing.

_  
Everyone's pointing their fingers  
Always condemning me  
Nobody knows what I believe  
I believe_

People will probably say I was being selfish. That I shouldn't have left Ash especially. That I should have thought of her. But the funny thing is I am thinking of her. How can I be there for her or anyone else for that matter when I can't even be there for myself? I always thought I was a strong person despite my inner drama queen probably brought on by my bisexual tendencies. I feel like I've learned a lot in my life. From my parents and family, from friends and from wrestling and writing music. But nothing I've learned taught me how to deal with everything in my life falling apart at once. I've almost completely lost my independence. I lost the woman who up until a few months ago I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. And my daughter is basically fighting for her life in the NICU. And it's all my fault. That's a big burden for even the strongest person. And I just can't carry it anymore. But no one wants to hear my anger or my sadness they just want me to get over it. As if it's that easy. No one understands what I'm going through no one. __

And I'm staring down the barrel of a .45 (.45)  
Swimming through the ashes of another life (another life)  
No real reason to accept the way things have changed  
Staring down the barrel of a .45  


I let the blade of the knife touch my arm. It feels cool against my skin. I press down slightly. There is some pain but that's all I've felt lately anyway and the pain in my arm is small in comparison to the rest of it. I pull the knife away and watch the blood start to trickle out of the small hole I just made as a physical outlet for all my anger and pain. It occurs to me that there is a slight irony in blood being red. I take the knife and press it again into my skin and this time start to pull upwards. I heard somewhere that's the "right" way to do this.

_  
And I'm staring down the barrel of a .45 (.45)  
And I'm swimming through the ashes of another life (another life)  
There is no real reason to accept the way things have changed  
Staring down the barrel of a .45_

I jump slightly when the door to the hotel room opens pushing the knife deeper into my arm. No! Can't I have a break just this once. Let me finish this. Then Shawn comes into my view. "Hey Chris, we were not that far away so…I thought…I'd…stop by…"

Oh come on you didn't think I'd actually let Chris kill himself did you? I'm a sadist but not that much of one lol. I've written sad shit before but I think that would probably be the worst. This was in fact the hardest thing I've ever written. To put myself inside the mind of someone wanting to kill themselves wasn't easy. I want reviews and I've actually had this chapter done for a while holding out for reviews on the last one but I couldn't wait any more hehe. I've already got the next one almost done…so three reviews will get you another chapter.


	30. cuz i'm broken

I choke on the words that I was trying to say. I stand there in horror at the scene in front of me. The bag of Chinese food slips out of my hands and dumps on the floor. I swallow hard before speaking again "Why?" In my head it comes out as a scream but it reality it's no more than a whisper.

"Shawn if you were ever my friend you would turn around and leave."

"No." I say "I think because I'm your friend I'll stay right here."

"Damn it Shawn. Just get the hell out of here."

"Why? Why would you do this?"

Chris's entire body slumps. "It's for the best Shawn."

"What about Ash. What about your family? What about your friends. Didn't you think about them"

"That's just it. I was thinking about all of them. I can't live like this. Having to have everyone do everything for me. And how am I supposed to raise Ash from this, this thing? I can't even carry her."

"You'll get better. It'll get better."

"People keep telling me that. But I'm the one living through the waiting. And guess what? It's not getting better. I'm not getting better. I sit through everyday like that damn bride in Kill Bill going everything will be alright if you can just wiggle your big toe. And day after day now nothing has happened. And I can't take it anymore."

"Nothing in this life is bad enough that you should kill yourself."

"You don't understand."

"No I think I understand all too well. I lost my best friends and blew out my back all with in the span of two years or so. Believe me the thought of taking the easy way out crossed my mind. But that's what it is Chris. The easy way out. You may very well have hit rock bottom. But that means you have nowhere left to go but up right?"

"I guess so."

"Don't worry about this. Jay, Adam, Jeff, Matt and all of us and your parents we're family. That's what were here for. You'd do the same for any of us."

"But I don't want to live like that. I don't want to have to have to go through life having to have people help me with everything. I don't want everyone else to have to do that. It's for the best."

"I'll go get a towel or something for your arm."

"Don't you get it I don't want you to. Just leave. Why won't you just leave?" I walk into the bathroom and grab a towel and I walk out and Chris looks hot and not in the good looking sense of the word. I take his arm and wrap the towel it and tie it tight. "You stubborn jackass. Just go…just go."

"That's not happening."

"Fine then I'll go." He says and tries to wheel by me but I stand in the way and when he goes to turn the other way he does it with such force he tips the chair over and falls onto the floor in a heap. I pick up the chair and put it up right and go to grab his arm. "DON'T touch me. You owe me that much."

I sigh. "Fine." It kills me standing there watching him struggle to pull himself back up into his chair. I've never scene him like this. His eyes. They would stare a whole right through me if they could. He makes one last glare at me and starts to wheel away. And because he looked at me he went a little crooked and ran right into the dresser.

"Son of a bitch!"

"Are you ok?" I say in a small voice

"I just rammed my foot right into the dresser."

"Wait and you felt that?" I don't think he realized what just happened.

"Yeah, and it hurt like hell…oh my god. Oh my god." He turns himself around and his face is ghostly white and he has a look of complete shock. He starts laughing slightly.

"Wow."

"To think that I just almost…" his eyes go wide and he sighs heavily. "Oh my god."

"The lord works in mysterious ways huh?"

"I've always thought so before but now I definitely believe it." he's smiling. I love seeing his smile. "Ya, know what? Let's go celebrate. I wanna see what this surgically repaired liver can do."

"Sounds good." I say grabbing my keys as we head toward the door. Chris grabs my arm and I look down at him.

"Shawn I don't think there are words…" Chris starts to say

"Don't worry about it. That's what friends do." He pulls me down and gives me a hug. For the first time in a long time I actually think Chris is going to be ok. And then he let me go and I don't really know how it happened, if he kissed me or if I kissed him but before my brain could tell me to stop we were kissing. I feel his hand on the back of my head and his fingers tangle in my hair pulling me closer to him. I let my tongue run along his lip and he allows it into his mouth. My brain finally catches up to what I'm doing. And I pull away. I stumble backwards and wind up on my ass after running into the wall. It takes a minute for me to regain my composure because everything is a little cloudy. I stand up on wobbly legs and start walking backwards toward the door.

"Shawn…" Chris says "I don't know…I'm so sorry that never should have happened I…" I can't seem to stop this feeling of absolute panic. I back toward the door shaking my head profusely. "Shawn…Shawn wait." I reach behind me and turn the door knob and practically fall out of the door into the hallway. I run down the hallway and bust through the stairwell door and run down them, then through the lobby of the hotel. When I finally get to my car and sit down in the driver seat I take the keys and try to put them in the ignition but my hands are almost shaking to much. I thanked the lord that whenever we were in the northeast that Hunter and Stephanie always stayed at their place in Connecticut. It starts poring rain on the way there. Perfect. Even the whether is reflecting my mood. Before I knew it I was standing on their porch ringing the doorbell. Hunter answers it his eyes squinted with sleep.

"Shawn? Come in it's poring out there. What the hell are you doing here. I though you were going to visit Chris."

"I did." Hunter shrugged his shoulders obviously wanting more information. "He uh, got some feeling back in his legs again."

"Really! That's great."

"Yeah considering…" I trail off

"Considering what?"

I run my hand over my hair and will myself not to cry. "When I got there he had a knife to his wrist."

"What?" Hunter looks at me with wide eyes and I nod my head

"God Hunter I still just keep think what would have happened if my fight had been delayed. Or what if I had decided to go home and see Cam. Or what if the Chinese food I bought took longer than it did."

"Man you saved his life."

"Yeah I guess I did."

"But now I really don't understand why you're here. Why would you leave him if he had just tried to kill himself."

I sigh heavily "Because we kissed"

"You kissed?"

"Yeah."

"You and Chris?"

"That's what I said."

"Again, now I really don't understand why you're here. I figured once you to idiots finally got on the same page we wouldn't see either one of you for a week." My shoulders slump "What happened?"

"I panicked. I don't even know how it happened. One second he was hugging me thanking me for saving his life and then we were kissing. I wasn't ready for it. As much as you were all trying to tell me I never expected Chris to feel the same way. I wasn't expecting to deal with there actually being a possibility of us having a relationship. And when my brain caught up with what we were doing the first thing that came to my mind wasn't I'm finally kissing him it was dear god it's happening again."

"What's happening….oh. Shawn, this has nothing to do with what happened before."

"Doesn't it. Why is it that every guy I fall for ends up severely hurt or worse?"

"You don't think this is your fault do you?"

"I don't know. It all just bears a striking resemblance to the last time. And it reminds me again that I swore that I would never love another man. I still feel like I'm betraying his memory. Why did I have to fall for Chris Hunter? Why."

"Maybe you needed to go through all this with him so you would know for sure that it was right. I don't think you would actually take that step to move on other wise."

"If it's so right they why am I so scared?"

"Because…" Hunter thinks for a minute obviously searching for the right words. "The hardest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

"Did you just quote Mulan Rouge to me? Tell me you did not just quote Mulan Rouge."

"Yeah well, Stephanie made me watch it…wait why am I explaining to you my having watched that movie. Despite the weird source it doesn't make it any less true. Your heart has been through a lot. You have every reason to be scared. The problem isn't that you're scared. The real problem is that you're sitting here with me instead of dealing with that fear."

I nod and put my hand on his shoulder. "Good talk Hunter."

I've been sitting here since he left in total shock. My heart still hasn't stopped racing. My god what have I done. I can't believe that happened. What was I thinking? I'm not even totally sure it was only me. It just kind of happened. DAMNIT! I'm such a jack ass. He probably hates me now. I'll never be able to face him again. Well maybe he'll believe I was totally out of my head I mean I did just try to kill myself, it wouldn't be that far from the truth. Still with all that's happened between us in the last little bit it's highly unlikely he'll believe it was an accident. I sigh, what am I going to do. I wheel myself to the bed and struggle to lift myself on to it. I will be so glad when I don't have to do this anymore. I lay down on my pillows and curl myself into a ball. I lift myself up and pull Shawn's shirt out from under it and hold it close to my chest. God damn it. I struggle to toss and turn for awhile but then realize sleep is a lost cause. So I pull myself back into my wheelchair and head out in to the hall down the elevator and out into the street. I hail a cab with much more success this time. I wheeled myself into the hospital and up to the NICU. Somehow being with Ash always makes me feel better. I grab a mask and put it on and head in to the room where she is. "Well I know that you'll always feel smart kid cuz your dads an idiot." A single tear runs down my cheek. The door behind me opens and I quickly wipe it away. "Hey Elizabeth." I say to the nurse.

"Hey Chris what are you doing here."

"Couldn't sleep."

"Oh." I rub at my back. "What's the matter?"

"I got some feeling back to my legs."

"Oh I should call your doctor…he'll probably want you to start doing some rehab right away if that's okay with you."

"Yeah sure." I say in a small voice.

"You must be in quite a bit of pain…do you want me to get you something for that."

I swallow and nod "Yeah."

"Alright, I'll be back shortly." The pain in my legs and back is the least of my problems right now. I wonder if the doctors got anything for a broken heart.

Well I hope you all like this one…this is how dedicated to you readers right now. I just was at work for like 16 hours because I got there and they needed me to work a double shift. But I promised that after three reviews I would post again. So please forgive any spelling/grammar mistakes because I didn't get to read this over as closely as I would have liked….so since I was so nice with this update please be so kind in return and review because honestly knowing that people want to read my little story helps keep me motivated to write. I will do my best to finish another chapter tomorrow night…because the next one unfortunately will probably be short because it's just going to work out that way. I'm so exhausted I hope what I just typed made some sense.


	31. i don't want to relive all the mistakes

A/N: So yeah…after burning the candle at both ends for a couple of weeks now…namely last Friday going to a friends house where between like 6 people we ate/drank 170 jell-o shot plus beer plus a watermelon filled with vodka. Then only to get up and drive over two hours to go to my dads house where he was having a party and skateboard and run after my 4 year old brother all day only to get up drive close to three hours to bet back to work by two then working two days during the week and working on things for class the other two plus my glasses broke and I had to go to the optometrist...then working 30 hours over this past weekend plus working on Monday. Then finishing 17 case briefs that were due for tonight in my class…whew takes a deep breath

I get out of the cab and pay the guy some money. I take a deep breath and I turn around and head toward the arena where RAW was taking place that night. I showed the man at the door my pass and he let me in noting how nice it was to see me back. I walk through the hallway and I can't help the butterflies in my stomach. I don't know what I was more nervous about…the possibility of seeing Shawn again, or what I was about to do. I haven't heard from him all week so I immersed myself in spending time with Ash when I wasn't working my ass off at my rehab. Where I am kicking my ass harder than my physical therapist ever could. I just want my life back. I want it to be back the way it was. And this conversation should help with that. I stop in front of the door to where I was told Vince's makeshift office was and take a deep breath.

"Chris, hi. You're walking again I see." Vince says

"Yeah sort of." I say holding up the cane I was using "It's a slow process but I'm getting there."

"When do your doctors think you'll be back in in ring shape?"

"Well there not really sure yet but as soon as I'm back to normal I'm going to be alright to go in the ring again."

"That's good news. Just keep me posted."

"Alright. Look Vince…I was kind of hoping there was something I could do before then."

"Only if you consent to seeing a psychiatrist." I start to protest "Chris, Shawn told me about what happened. I think that maybe after all that's happened you could use a little help, someone to talk to."

I was afraid of that "It's just, everything just sort of came crashing down on me at once. I was stuck on that wheelchair all by myself most of the time and all I could do was think about how my little girl was in the NICU and how Jess was really gone. And how I didn't know if I would ever be able to walk again. And I just couldn't handle it. I'd love to tell you I'm fine, but I'm not. But I have to keep going I have to live my life because I'm afraid if I stop…it'll all catch up to me again. I'm not trying to run from anything…I look at Shawn coming in when he did as a sign that I'm not supposed to be done living just yet. And I realized that the only thing that's going to help this to get any better is to just keep going the best I can and live my life. I just want to get back to some sense of normal after all this craziness."

I breath a sigh of relief as Vince nods. "I think I can understand that. Why don't we have you come out and do commentary with J.R and the King tonight and you can start doing commentary on Heat. And how about we have to start a column on the WWE website and do some work for creative that way you can do a lot of it from home until Ash is out of the hospital and you finish your rehab."

"That sound great, thanks Vince."

Pain. So bad I can hardly breath. God damn it why did I tell Hunter and Kurt to work my knee. That was an incredibly brilliant move on my part. But then again it does have to seem possible that I will tap to Kurt's ankle lock at Vengeance. The camera saw me toss Kurt over the rail but what it didn't see was him getting away after that because my knee gave out on me. Or for that matter Randy coming through the crowd to help me to the back.

"Easy Shawn." He says as we make our way slowly down the hall.

"I thought you were on Smackdown now kid, what are you doing here?"

"Well John and Stacy are here so I decided I'd swing by. Lucky for you I did."

"Yeah lucky me."

Randy stops "What is it you have against me Shawn."

I sigh "Honestly Randy, you probably just remind me a little too much of myself."

He smiles his cocky smile at me "Well I'm going to choose to take that as a compliment. Come on let's get you to the trainer."

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?"

I look up and my heart skips a beat. "Chris." I had heard a rumor that he was going to be here I just couldn't get up the nerve to search him out. "You're out of your wheelchair."

"Like you care." He spits back at me

"What? How can you say that?" This doesn't make any sense. He obviously thought I cared when he was shoving his tongue down my throat.

'Pretty easily actually. You just always have to play the hero don't you Shawn. I can't believe I never noticed it before. You were just out there saving Batista for Christ sake, this is a guy you supposedly hate. Am I really supposed to think what you were doing with me was any different?"

"I think you know it was." I say defiantly

"Do I? You claimed not to like Randy either yet you've been hanging around him a lot lately. And you did look awfully concerned that night after Rumble when Junior over hear got himself another concussion as you practically carried him to the back. And look here you two are again. He even came all the way from Smackdown to help you."

"It isn't like that." I blurt out. He's got this all wrong.

"Here all this time I thought that you freaked when I kissed you because you weren't into guys. But that's not it at all is it?" He swallows hard as if trying to hold back tears "You just don't like me."

"No! Chris you don't understand."

"Oh I think I understand just fine. You'd rather be with people you don't even like than be with me." Oh god. He really does want to be with me and he thinks…this is like a nightmare. I stand frozen as he hurries down the hall and around the corner. My brain catches up and I start to run after him but my knee gives out and I fall to the floor. I bang my hands against the floor in frustration.

"Oh god no." I murmur. I feel Randy sit down next to me.

"Shawn are you ok?" I shake my head no "Do you want me to keep helping you to the trainer?" I shake my head no again.

"You've done enough."

"Shawn…I didn't realize…I didn't know that you are…that you and him…"

"It's ok Randy, it's not your fault. It's my fault" I swallow hard "It's my fault."

I am making my way out of the building the next week at RAW and all of a sudden I feel some one grab my shirt and pull me in the opposite direction. I get myself turned around and see that it's Kevin. He pulls me into his locker room and pushes me up against the door. "Nice to see you to Kevin. But I don't think I have to remind you to watch it because I am RECOVERING FROM A GUN SHOT WOUND."

"What did you do to Shawn."

"I didn't do anything except tell the truth."

"What are you talking about?"

"Like you don't already know."

"No I don't know Shawn's been a complete mess and won't tell anyone what happened."

"Fine I'll give you the abridged version. He saves my life we kiss on our own this time. He leaves in a panic. Then the next week on RAW I see him being all friendly with Batista and Orton of all people. I'm not mad though, I just wished I had learned a little earlier that he didn't really care about me."

Kevin let's me go and starts laughing. "That's what this is about."

"What?" I ask slightly taken aback.

"Look, Dave's very happily married and Randy well…he's with John Cena."

"He is?"

"Yeah, Damn it. You are a big jack ass do you know that? Do you have any idea how hard it's been for Shawn having feelings for a guy again? And then you go and throw it in his face."

"Wait," I say slowly "What do you mean again?"

"You really have no idea do you." Kevin "Chris Shawn was with Brett Heart for a long time."

Everything seems to stop for a second. I know that I shouldn't be surprised by this but somehow I really am. "I think I need to sit down." I say and stumble over to the couch.

"You might as well know. They got together after the "screw job". I think they were arguing about it back stage and it just kind of came out. I think that's why they were such bitter rivals, because secretly they were attracted to each other. But Shawn's family, namely his father didn't accept it, and no one in Brett's family did but Owen. And that's how it was. At that point Brett was already moving to WCW so they even had to have a long distance relationship for a while. Then Brett had that accident with Bill. But in all honesty it turned out to be much worse than anyone expected because they found out he had a tumor in his brain. They operated, did kemo and radiation. Shawn had to stand by and watch as it ate away at him until finally he stopped responding." Kevin looked to be on the edge of tears "And he and Shawn were riding horses one day and Brett just fell off. He had an aneurysm. He never woke up. He was in a coma on life support for about a week before Shawn had to be the one to tell them to pull the plug because Brett didn't have any other family left."

"Oh my god, I had no idea."

"Yeah, Shawn said he would never love another man again. Now do you see why him falling in love with you would be just a little bit hard on him?"

I look up at him in surprise. "He loves me?"

"I don't know how you have been so blind not to see that. Jess did."

"What are you talking about?"

"Jess had Shawn come with her into the delivery room. Shawn was the first person to hold Ash. Her last words were to him."

"I didn't know."

"Or how about the day you got shot…Shawn got a concussion in his match with Adam and when Jay came to ask him if he knew where you were because he had heard about the situation at the court house and Shawn passed out running down the hall trying to get to you. And the whole time you were out he never left your side. But you're probably right, he doesn't care about you at all."

"Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"Would you have listened? Would you have been able to handle hearing all this with all that you were going through?"

I sigh "I don't know. I need to go talk to him."

"Yeah." I get up and make my way down the hall to the room Shawn was using as a locker room that night. I can't believe what I just heard. My head feels like it's spinning. He was with Brett. How did I not know that. How did I not see. My god all the things I said to him. All the things I did. No wonder he got so mad at that crack I made about people chanting at him in Canada or when I found that picture. I knock on Shawn's door and I hear him mutter come in so I do. He has his back turned to me putting his things in his bag.

"Hi Shawn…look I…"

He cuts me off. "Oh so now you want to talk." I take a deep breath, I should have known he wasn't going to make this easy for me. But then again why should he. "Never mind the 100 times I called you this week, but if you want to talk by all means talk."

Well I guess I might as well just be out with it. "B.H. stands for Brett Heart doesn't it." Shawn stops in mid motion.

"What did you say?"

"B.H the initials on the tree, they were for Brett aren't they."

"You've been talking to Kevin."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well there seems to be a lot of that going on, because you seem to have left a small little detail out of our conversations too."

I sigh "I know…I know ok? I should have told you. I just never really knew how. I did it wrong ok? We both did. I don't want to loose you Shawn."

"Wasn't it just last week that you were throwing everything that's happened in the past months in my face saying I don't care about you? Doesn't seem like you'd be loosing much."

"Are you kidding? The only times my life has been happy in these past few months have been with you."

"No. Just stop ok. I can't keep doing this. It's like were on some god damn merry-go-round and I can't get off it….this is what misunderstanding 856 now? I'm so tired of this little dance were doing. I take it anymore! Just stay away from me!" He starts to head toward the door.

"Oh that's right go ahead, run away. That's been working so well for us too." he stops and turns around to glare at me "Don't go, please. Let's finish this for once."

He turns around to look at me. "Oh believe me IT, whatever it was exactly,…is over."

I walk over closer to him and block his exit. "Look me in the eye and tell me you don't feel something for me. Look me in the eye and tell me that there's nothing there between us." I feel Shawn's eyes barring into me for a few seconds then he blinks and looks down and steps around me and walks out the door. There is a certain finality as the door shuts behind him. I lean my head against the door my frustration builds and I pound my fist against it.

Well it's done finally. I know it took me long enough. Next one should be up soon. I am sitting in class now and hopefully I will actually start the next one and hopefully crosses fingers will also finish it so hopefully it will be up tomorrow at some point.


	32. no one can find the rewind button boys

A/N: Blahhhh. Sorry this has taken me a while to get this chapter up. i have finals this week so i've been busy with that and with fourth of July crap. i came up with the idea for this chapter while at work. i work at a movie theater and they have the music there on a continue loop so i hear the same song a lot during a shift and so eventually i heard the words and started cracking up because they seemed to fit. so insert disclaimer here i didn't write the song. it's called breath by Anna Nolick. but be forwarned it's kindof choppy...hence the length in time between updates because i was working on fixing it. i was also thinking about using different songs...you may not believe me despite my many grammer and sometimes spelling mistakes, but i am quite a perfectionist.

_2am and she calls me cause I'm still awake  
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake  
I don't love him and winter just wasn't my season._

I lie awake in my hotel room staring at the ceiling. After a few hours I've memorized every crack. It's been a nightly routine since Shawn walked out of that locker room days ago after Raw. I just want to curl up and go to sleep but it won't come. I pull the blankets closer around me, even though it's summer I can't seem to get warm enough. I blew it. I really blew it. I reach over and grab my cell phone and hit the button and I listen to the ringing on the other end of the phone as I wait for the familiar voice to answer.

"Hello?" Jay asks his voice raspy with sleep. And why shouldn't it be it is two in the morning after all.

"Jay…" That's all I get out before the tears come.

"I'll be there in a minute." He says and I hear the line disconnect. Shortly after that there is a knock at the door and Jay finds it open and comes in holding hands with Jeff. That sight makes me cry harder. He crawls on the bed laying on one side of me and Jeff climbs on the other. They let me lay there like that soaking up the comfort from their closeness for awhile before asking me what happened. So I spill out the story.

"I don't know. Maybe he's right. Maybe things just got to messed up to try to put anything together out of this. But then why do I still love him? God I don't want to love him…I don't want to.

_  
Yea we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes  
Like they have any right at all to criticize  
Hypocrites you're all here for the very same reason.  
_

Two days later I walk into the Las Vegas arena for Vengeance. I don't really want to be here. I'm starting to think that coming back into this business at all was a bad idea on my part. But for now Vince wanted me to help out back stage so here I am. I walk over and stare at the nights card. My eyes wonder down until I see Shawn's name and my heart twinges with pain. I try to put him out of my head and go about my business but it doesn't work very well. Especially when I keep getting glared at by John Cena. Randy must have told him what happened. I hear a familiar music and my feet walk themselves over to the gorilla position. I see Randy and Hunter standing there and inwardly groan. They were the last two people I wanted to see right now. But it's to late to turn back now because I see Hunter's face fall and his eyes darken.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Hunter says in a dangerously low tone.

"Haven't you done enough?" Randy adds

I scoff "Being here is my job Hunter." I smirk "Ya know it's funny you showing concern for Shawn. I know you guys are friends and everything but, correct me if I'm wrong, that was you working his knee last week wasn't it Trips? And uh, how many times is it now that you've nailed him in the back with a sledge hammer because I've lost count. Where was your concern then huh jackass?" Hunter glares at me and Randy follows as he walks away. I stand there watching Shawn's match with Kurt. I wince when Kurt gets the ankle lock. With Shawn's knee being injured that move must be especially painful. My breath catches when I see him do a cross body off the ropes to the outside. I've seen him do this move 1000 times. Hell I've even been on the receiving end of it but somehow this time it's different. It's then I notice Stephanie standing next to me. I didn't even notice her walk up. "Hey Stephy." I mutter not taking my eyes off the screen.

"Not easy to watch the ones we love out there is it." I shake my head yes with out realizing what I was doing.

"Uh, I mean…oh man" And I sigh unhappily

"Don't worry. You're so called secrets safe with me." She says

"How do you do it Steph? How do you watch Hunter out here night after night, how are you going to watch him battle it out in that cell with Dave tonight?" I look over at her and she reaches inside her suit jacket pulls something out.

"Here." She says and I see she's holding a flask. I chuckle slightly and take a drink. The liquid burns my throat as it goes down. "Jack Daniels. A little trick my father taught me."

"Thanks."

"Don't give up on him Chris."

I smile at her weakly "He's already given up on me."

_Cause you can't jump the track  
We're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table,  
No one can find the rewind button girl  
So just cradle your head in your hands.  
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe just breathe  
_

I walk back from the ring to a slue of people and everything starts to blur as people shaking my hand and congratulating Kurt and I on the match we just had. I look over at Kurt and he has a huge smile on his face. I walk over and give him a hug.

"Thank you." I say

"No man, thank you."

Then I see him. I know the smile on my face fades and I feel that familiar ache in my heart. I should have known he would be here. God how I wish he wasn't…

_  
May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss  
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist _

Later that night I walk in and sit at the counter in the hotel bar.

"What can I get ya?" The bar tender asks

"Doesn't matter just as long as it's strong and you leave the bottle." I mutter. She nods and comes back with a glass with amber liquid in it and sets it down in front of me. "Thanks." I sigh. My body and my heart ached. God I've drank more in the past few months than I have for the past few years. The only explanation I can come up with is Chris. How is it that someone I supposedly love can make me feel this way. I miss him so much it's killing me. But I'm still so angry…all the things he, and the fact that after everything we went through he could actually think that it was some form of a sham breaks my heart. But this past week or so since I walked out of that room has been horrible. I can't sleep, at all. I am haunted by dreams of us happy together. I have to stay strong. I did the right thing. I did do the right thing didn't I? I don't even no anymore. But I didn't know what else to do. I know it hurts to be away from him but we just keep hurting each other when we're together. It's been kind of a double edge sword. If only there was a way to rewind time, back to before Australia, before the drunken nights…before I found out Jess was pregnant. If only there was a way for the past to be undone, I don't know, maybe then it would turn out differently. I put my elbows on the bar and run my hands over my still wet hair and sit there staring at the glass in front of me.

_  
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year _

_Here in town you can tell he's been down for while  
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles  
Wanna hold him but maybe I'll just sing about it  
_

I sit leaning up against the bed in my hotel. I roll my eyes looking at the half empty bottle of "the white z" in my hand. I quickly realize how pathetic I must look sitting in here by myself partially drunk on girly wine. For some reason wine affects me more than anything else, so if I really want to get drunk in hurry that's what I drink. God I should have walked away. When he came to the back after his match earlier all I wanted to do is take him in my arms and hold him and let him know what a good job he just did. I wanted to congratulate him. I watched him smiling. God I love his smile. And then our eyes met and he just looked so hurt. And it hit me that the hurt I saw was because of me. Maybe he's right maybe we should just stay away from each other. Maybe at this point it's the best thing for both of us. I am so tired of hurting…I want all these feelings to just go away. I want to silence the voice in my head that keeps saying that things would have been different this time that and the all the fights and all the misunderstandings were only because we were keeping so much from each other. I take the bottle and throw it watching it shatter against the wall. I slump back against the bed and look out side. It's raining. I get up slowly and walk over to the balcony door and slide it open. I walk out and tilt my head back and let my hands fall out to the sides letting the rain run down my face and arms soaking my clothes. I walk my way backwards until I am under the awning. I find the wall and I slide down it and sit on the floor. The city lights that I can see through the slots in the railing are soon blurred by tears forming in my eyes.

_  
Cause you can't jump the track  
We're like cars on a cable  
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,  
No one can find the rewind button boys so cradle your head in your hands  
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breath just breathe_

There's a light at the end of this tunnel you shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out  
And these mistakes you've made  
You'll just make them again if you'll only try turnin' around  


It's the next night, the Raw after Vengeance is over and I have found myself in my locker room sitting with my head in my hands. Tonight was Chris' return match. It was a 6 man match with him, Jay and Tyson verses John Cena and 2 partners. And in my infinite wisdom, or lack there, of I decided to be one of them. I could hardly hid my disappointment when Jay announced that Chris wasn't coming when we met to discuss the match. Gee I wonder why. I went through the motions of doing the show up until match time. I even managed to laugh at that idiot Maria. I walked out from behind the curtain and let myself feed on the cheers of the audience as always. And then I saw him. My heart started beating involuntarily faster and I got butterflies in my stomach. I realized then that despite what I had hoped, these feelings I had for him weren't just going to go away with time. I stared into his blue eyes and realized I was just as in love with him now as I had ever been before. Then the match started. And we were eventually tagged in at the same time as I knew we inevitably would be. All our anger and hurt and frustration now had a physical outlet which took the form of a chop war. Chris even had Jay hold me so he could slap me across the face, twice. And he held my face in his hands and shouted insults at me and told me how everything was all my fault and how I didn't deserve to be hurt over this. The first thing that came into my head was he started it. Didn't he? After everything that's happened I'd lost track. So I did what any person in my position would do. I punched him. It was the same shit different day I guess. My thoughts get broken when the door opens.

"Hey man. Look I just wanted to come and say thank you for what you did tonight. Not many guys would offer to help the new guy."

"It's no big deal. I knew Vince wanted to help Hogan promote his new show on VH1 and I was his last tag partner so it was pretty much a no brainer."

"So it had nothing to do with the fact that Chris was making his comeback ?" I feel my face flush and I look away quickly to avoid his eyes. "Yeah I thought not."

"I wish I didn't care but it just isn't working out that way. As much as I try, I just can't get him out of my head. I guess I just needed to see that he was going to be ok."

"Man you're really got it bad dog. How could he have thought you was messin with Orton?"

"I don't know John, that's a question for him."

_  
2am and I'm still awake writing this song  
If i get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to.   
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd  
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud  
And I know that you'll use them however you want to.  
_

Two days after that disaster piece that was RAW and again I couldn't sleep so I'm sitting in a chair holding Ash. She can finally come out of the incubator from time to time. She really is doing great. They've taken her off the respirator because she's breathing on her own now. She won't be here that much longer. She's doing well and I've made my return, I should feel happy, but I'm not. The nurse comes in the room to check on some of the other babies.

"Hey Kristy."

"Hi Chris, looks like this little one won't be with us much longer huh?"

"Yeah here's hoping."

"She's a lucky kid. I've never scene two more devoted fathers."

I balk "What!" Did she say two fathers? What's she talking about?

"That man is absolutely gorgeous. His eyes, they're so blue and his voice it just makes you want to melt. I hope you don't mid me saying…" She says trailing off. Blue eyes…voice...OH my god was she talking about Shawn?

"Why would that bother me?" I mutter out.

"Well some people get funny if you talk about their husbands or wives like that."

My heart skips a beat "Oh well he's not…"

"Oh you don't have to worry anything here. It's probably doctor patient privilege or something. But for what it's worth you do have good taste Chris. There is most definitely a reason they call him the heart break kid."

"Uh, thanks." Why would Shawn let them think he was my husband of all things. I frown, he obviously cared more than I ever imagined.

"Oh here, before I forget…" She says walking over to a cabinet and opening it pulling out a hat. "Shawn forgot this when he was here earlier today."

"I'll uh, make sure he gets it thanks." My brain was movie at hyper speed trying to process what she just said. This whole time Shawn has been coming to visit Ash? How did I not know about this? Maybe he does still care after all. I start to rock the chair back and forth. "So what do you think huh Ash. Is there hope for your old dad yet?" She looks up at me with her blue eyes and smiles around her bottle. "I guess we'll just have to wait and see."

_But you can't jump the track  
We're like cars on a cable  
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,  
No one can find the rewind button now  
Sing it if you understand...yeah breath  
Just breathe, oh breathe_

Hope you enjoyed! I actually have the next chapter all done i know aren't you shocked? so the faster i get some reviews faster you get to read what happens next.


	33. angel

A/N: Sorry this took me a bit... it just took me a bit to get it how i wanted it.

I get shaken awake by the stewardess of the plane telling me I need to put my seat in it's upright position. We touch down and the pilot tells us the time and temperature outside here in Texas. He may as well have said hot and late. I walk through the airport get my luggage and rent a car. Normally I wouldn't have done that but Jenny called this morning telling me that they decided to go away for a few days. Since it's Wednesday and I wasn't scheduled for house shows until Saturday I was only too happy to oblige. Maybe this is what I need. Some time away from everything. To help me get my mind off things…off him. And it's getting harder and harder to see Ash. Once she's out of the hospital I don't how I'm going to keep seeing her. Things being how they are I don't know how I'm going to keep my promise to Jess. I chuckle slightly. How blind were we anyway? She was around us together what, two seconds and she saw it. So why didn't we? I guess it's because we didn't want to. I wonder if everything had come out sooner if things would have turned out differently. I pull up into my drive way and as I get out of the car my dog runs up to greet me. "Hey boy." I say and ruffle his fur.

I don't even bother to take my stuff inside deciding to check on the horses first because I honestly have no idea when they left. I go in to the stables and give each horse some new water and fill their feed. I walk over to Kelly. He has his back turned to me. "Hey. So I hear you've been worse than ever huh Kelly?" He turns around and rests his head on my chest. "What's up with you huh? You miss Chris?" I pet his mane "Yeah, yeah me too." I look around the stall and notice some carrots and grab one and give it to him as a treat before I heading toward the house. Then something occurs to me. "What are you doing out huh?" I say to the dog. "They wouldn't have left with out making sure you were inside would they? It's a good thing you didn't run away. Still though, I'm going to have to…" I walk in the door and stop dead in my tracks "have a little…talk…with…my brother." Chris is sitting on my stairs. I let out a small whimper as a giant knot forms in my chest. He smiles at me almost shyly. A thousand questions are running through my head and I start trying to mumble all of them at once. Then I realize Chris has a guitar. And he starts to play.

"I'm alone

Yeah, I don't know if I can face the night

I'm in tears and the cryin' that I do is for you

I want your love - Let's break the walls between us

Don't make it tough - I'll put away my pride

Enough's enough

I've suffered and I've seen the light

Baby

You're my angel

Come and save me tonight

You're my angel

Come and make it all right"

My entire body is shaking so hard. I wipe furiously at my eyes trying not to cry but so far I'm unsuccessful.

"Don't know what I'm gonna do

About this feeling inside

Yes it's true - Loneliness took me for a ride

Without your love - I'm nothing but a beggar

Without your love - a dog without a bone

What can I do I'm sleeping in this bed alone

Baby

You're my angel

Come and save me tonight

You're my angel

Come and make it all right

Come and save me tonight"

Chris is crying now too he takes a big breath before he continues

"You're the reason I live

You're the reason I die

You're the reason I give

When I break down and cry

Don't need no reason why

Baby, Baby, Baby

You're my angel

Come and save me tonight

You're my angel

Come and make it all right

You're my angel

Come and save me tonight you're my angel

Come and make me alright

Come and save me tonight,

Come and save me tonight,

Come and save me tonight,

Come and save me tonight,

Come and save me tonight"

He puts down the guitar and walks down the steps and I close the distance between us and we fall into each others arms and into the most intense kiss I've ever felt in my entire life. We finally break from each other to breath but we leave our foreheads rested together. "Shawn, I…" Chris pants out

I cut him off by putting my finger to his lips effectively silencing him. "No more words ok? We've talked around this long enough. Just kiss me…just kiss me." Our lips come together again and he pushes me back against the wall. He pulls up my shirt running his hands over my stomach. We break our kiss long enough for him to pull it all the way off me.

"Suddenly…I'm glad John and Jenny decided to go away for a few days."

Chris smirks at me "Who do you think paid for the trip." I laugh at him

"Well then I guess I just have to find a way to repay you."

"Oh I'm sure we can arrange something." He pulls me in for another kiss and we make our way up the stairs and into the bedroom. Knocking down a few pictures and a table I had in the hallway along the way. I lay down on the bed Chris slowly takes off his shirt and climbs on the bed straddling my hips. He leans down to kiss me again and takes my hands in his. I let out a shuttered breath as he kisses at my neck then starts trailing lower and lower down my stomach and soon he's fumbling with the button on my pants.

"Chris…" I moan out. My hands tangle in his hair and I close my eyes enjoying the sensation afraid if I watch it'll bring me to the edge that much faster. I feel that I'm getting close so I pull him away up into a kiss wanting the first time with him to be together. "Now it's my turn." I undo the button on his pants and slide my hand inside. Chris moans out with pleasure. I smile. I like getting this type of reaction out of him. And it's only going to get better. I get up and walk over to my dresser retrieving something I never thought I'd use again, lube. I clime back on the bed and coat my fingers. I look up at Chris and he smiles and nods and I spread his legs so my fingers can find his entrance. He's so tight…I can't wait to be inside him. I notice a slight wince on Chris's face.

"Shawn…I should probably tell you…I've never actually…done this before." He closes his eyes and I see a blush come across his face.

"You mean you've never…that I'm…." I instinctively stop my movements.

"What's the matter why'd you stop? It's not that I haven't wanted to…I just always seemed to get interrupted. Is this a problem?"

"No of course not…it's just…well suddenly I'm a little nervous."

Chris pulls me up so I'm on top of him and kisses me again. "That's funny I'm not."

Hehe so finally! it's about damn time right? yeah i thought so too. anyone need a ciggerette? So what exactly happens when your story gets reported anyway? two of mine from afew months agogot reported for being song fics...so i guess i figured i'd better get this up if they were going to like ban me or something. i'm just like whatever people use songs on this sight all the time...why are people bothering going back and reading my old stuff and reporting that? I don't get it. Anyway this was really weird to write i have to tell ya and it took me so long because believe me the stuff in my head was comming out much more graffic than i wanted it to be seeing as i was writing in first person. but i hope you like...after waiting patiently through 32 chapters i thought ya'll deserved a hot sex scene hehe.


	34. i can't keep my eyes off of you

A/N: Sorry for the long time between updates of this story. I know I've said it all before. But some of my stories that I posted quite a while ago got reported because they were song fics and I was slightly angry about that. One would think while I'm on a break from school I would have more time to sit down and write but that hasn't been the case. Plus I think I just needed to take a little break. And a few weeks ago something happened on Raw that kindof got my butt in gear so to speak but I've been so busy I haven't had a chance to get it down on paper (you'll see what it is in the comming up chapters). I rambled on enough so on with the story.

I wake up feeling Shawn hand tracing up and down my arm. I let out a contented sigh and open my eyes, to a smiling Shawn. "Morning."

"GOOD morning." He says

I giggle. Yes I actually giggled, damn me. "I'll definitely agree with that." I say

"So did you sleep good?"

"I don't think most of what we did last night could be considered sleeping." I say with a sly smile. He nods.

"Very true." He slides over resting his head on my chest and sighs contently. "I've missed this, waking up next to you…watching you sleep."

"Yeah? When we were in Australia I would lie awake watching you sleep too."

"Really?" He asks with a huge smile on his face. I nod. "So how long have you…liked me?"

I cover my face with my hands "Oh man don't ask me that question please."

"Oh come on. I'll tell you if you tell me." He says "Actually Brett brought you to my attention. When you came to WCW it was always a running joke between us that he was going to leave me for you because you were a younger version of me. And when I came back to the WWE let's just say I was pretty happy that you were here and that I was going to get to know you even though I didn't admit to myself why until after Australia."

I sigh, god this was going to be embarrassing. "Oh alright. Honestly, I can hardly remember not liking you. When you came into the WWE and even before that, I was just always drawn to you. I didn't really know why until Jay told me he thought he liked guys. I had all these posters of you up in my room. My parents thought that it was just because you were my favorite, little did they know." Shawn leans up and kisses me. "What was that for?"

"For waiting for me for all these years. For being patient."

I chuckle. "Well it was well worth the wait believe me." I kiss him again letting my tongue trace across his lip wanting entrance. Our kiss grows steadily more passionate and he lets me take control and I roll over ending up on top of him. I'm now grateful for the fact we never bothered to put any clothes back on. That is until the door bursts open.

"Shawn what the hell happened out here it looks like…oh Jesus Christ. My eyes, my eyes." Kevin says as he clamps his eyes shut stumbling back a little bit. Shawn and I quickly manage to cover ourselves up with the sheets and blankets."

"What the hell Shawn? They don't even knock at your own house?" I say mocking anger

"A habit we will have to remedy." Shawn says through his teeth

"Yeah you're telling me." Kevin says. He slowly reopens one eye and then the other. "Wait a minute. So you're telling me…you…" he says nodding toward me "and you…" he says nodding toward Shawn. I hid my face in Shawn's chest. "Ya know what? Forget you saw me. I'll just be, I'll just be down stairs…watching TV very loudly…" Kevin says backing out of the room.

"The big idiot certainly does have excellent timing doesn't he?" I say

"I heard that!" Kevin yells probably from in the hallway somewhere.

"You were meant to!" I yell back at him. Shawn and I look at each other and shake our heads and start to laugh.

"So." he says with a smirk "Where were we?"

"Ummmm. Right about" I lean in until my lips are almost touching his and close my eyes "here."

Awhile later Chris and I laid together dosing on the couch. "So…what happens now?" Chris asks

"I don't know…this…is really something I never expected to happen."

"Well I know one thing for sure. Now that I've got you I don't want to let you go."

"I agree. We've wasted to much time being idiots." I kiss Chris's forehead and pull myself closer to him. Kevin mumbled something about getting sick and gets up and heads in to the kitchen and a few minutes later I can hear him flip through the paper. I chuckle to myself. I close my eyes listening to the sound of the TV and enjoy the feeling of being in Chris's arms. And then I hear the front door open and with in seconds something jumps on my lap. I let out a grunt and open my eyes to find myself face to face with Cameron. I look over at Chris and his face is full of complete shock and I'm sure mine is too.

"Hi Daddy! Chris! You haven't been here in a long long time."

"Yeah, hi buddy how are you?" He says

"Good. Let's go play." He gets up and pulls Chris off the couch and they walk out of the room past Becky who is leaning on the door frame. I wince.

"I'm sorry…when I called Kevin didn't mention…"

"No I'm sorry, This isn't exactly how I pictured you finding out about this."

"It's fine, it's not like I didn't know about you when we got together. He seems like a good guy. I saw you two together at the party, I would be lying if I said I didn't see it coming."

"You too? God it seems like everybody saw this coming but us."

"That's usually how it is. Look if this is a bad time…"

"No it's fine."

"Alright well, like I told Kevin I've got to go to Key West tomorrow for a photo shoot do you mind if Cameron stays with you while I'm gone? Are you going to be around for a couple of days?"

"That'd be great I've really missed him. And they've got me in a thing with Hogan right now so I bet I won't even have to be doing anything until Raw on Monday."

"Alright I'll see ya tomorrow then." And with that she left again. I'm glad she is such a understanding person. I guess that's why I got with her in the first place. Cameron comes running in.

"Daddy can we go swimming can we? Can we?" He ask

"Sure buddy."

"You guys go ahead." Chris says "I don't have a bathing suit here." I raise an eyebrow at him. He must know exactly what I'm thinking about because he mouths "later" making a huge smile comes across my face.

"That's alright you can wear one of mine if ya want." I say. Cameron even manages to convince Kevin to come with us so we all end up out by the pool. I help Cameron put on his life jacket and he goes over and jumps right off the diving board.

"He does good doesn't he?" Chris says

"Yeah he does. He can swim pretty good with out it too but he needs it to go in the deep end."

"Cam if I jump in will you catch me?" I ask

He laughs "Daddy you're to big I can't catch you."

"Oh ok." I say laughing. For the first time in a long time I am really happy. I get in the pool with Chris and my son and it feels like were a family and I know this is right. There is no doubt in my heat that Chris is who I'm supposed to be with. I don't think I could wipe the smile off my face if I tried. Later I'm standing in front of my grill when Chris come out and wraps his arms around me. I lean back against him and sigh contentedly.

"Kiss the cook?"

I turn around and face him "Absolutely." I hear Chris's cell phone start to ring. He looks apologetically at me and answers it.

"Hello…oh hi…yeah…yes of course…ok I'll be there as fast as I can." He hangs up. He has a look on his face that I can't quite place.

"It's Ash…"

dun dun dun...could it be another clifhanger? from me? nooooo. Anyway the good news for you dear readers is i've already got the next chapter done so as soon as I get some reviews i'll put it up


	35. love burns brighter than sunshine

I'm so sorry I haven't updated in such a long time. December was absolute hell for me. I won't bore you with the details save one, the geek squad (aka best buys computer repair people) had my computer for over a week because I needed a new hard drive, which means that everything on my computer got wiped including the two chapters of this story I already had written. Anyway on with the story.

The panic begins to rise inside of me. "What about her?"

"She's being released! They said she's well enough to leave the hospital, I have to go pick her up."

"Oh my god baby that's great." He walks over and hugs me and I spin him around in a circle. My mind rewinds to what I just said. I can't believe how easily that little endearment came out of my mouth. We stop spinning and Chris puts his hands on my cheeks and kisses me hard.

"I'm going to be a father. Well I am already but...you know what I mean. I'm actually going to get to be her father. Man, I've got to call the airport, see about a hotel. You're going to come with me right you should be there for this too."

"Yeah sure but Cameron will have to come with us too, Becky's going out of town on a photo shoot."

"That's fine I'm going to go make a few calls." He kisses me quickly again then walks inside. I chuckle at my boyfriend talking on the phone pacing back and forth across the kitchen talking with his hands. My boyfriend…I can hardly believe it's true. After everything we went through he's finally mine, we're finally together. He sees me watching him and gives me a small smile. I finish grilling the chicken and put it on a plate to take it inside. "So we have a flight out first thing in the morning."

"Good, I wouldn't want that sweet little girl to be in that place any longer than she needs to be."

"I can't believe you we're going to see her. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because, I guess I didn't know what to say, I thought it would be a little strange of me to be doing if we were just friends. Before Jess died she made me promise I would take care of her little…and you."

"She did?" Chris said slowly probably trying to process the information "She was always such a good person it was just like her to try to do one last good thing even as she died. Trying to make sure we would end up together. It's funny to me that she saw something there between us and we didn't. I guess it's because we were fighting it, we didn't want to see."

I walk over and wrap my arms around him and he leans back against me. "I know, when I think about how much heart ache we both went through just being scared…we wasted so much time." I place a small kiss on Chris's neck and he sighs contentedly.

"It's comforting to know that now it can be just like this, always." Just then I notice that Cameron walked into the room.

"Daddy when's dinner I'm hungry."

I clear my throat and let go of Chris "Cam…uh well it's about done. We're just waiting in the noodles to finish cooking." It was a pretty quiet dinner. Cameron picked out Monsters inc. to watch and actually didn't fall asleep this time. I took him upstairs.

"Ok Cam go right to sleep ok, we have an early morning." I say

"Why what are we doing?"

"Well we're going to go on an airplane. Chris has a new daughter and she was born too early so she had to stay in the hospital until she was well enough to come home and now she is. So we are all going to go pick her up tomorrow. Would you like to come with us to do that?"

"Yeah I would."

"Ok good." I say

"Daddy?" Cam asks

"Yeah."

"Is Chris going to be around more now?"

I hadn't really thought about how I was going to explain my relationship with Chris to my son. "Well…yeah is that ok with you."

"Yeah it's ok I like Chris."

"Well he likes you too kid. Now try to get some sleep." I say and kiss him on the forehead.

We walk in to the hospital Shawn and I each holding one of Cameron's hands. We step out of the elevator onto the NICU floor. I look over at Shawn and take a deep breath. We let go of Cams hands and Shawn takes mine and squeezes it. It's amazing how much comfort such a small gesture can bring.

"You ready for this?"

"Absolutely." We walk up to the information desk and I recognize the person at the desk.

"Oh hi…Chris…Shawn good to see you here together for once." The nurse says

"You have no idea." Shawn and I both say at the same time then we start to laugh.

"Well you both know where her room is I'll send the doctor over with the paperwork."

"Ok thanks." Shawn says "Come on Cam."

We walk in to the room and I walk over to the crib and pick up my daughter. "Hey baby. You ready to get out of here? Ok we will." I turn toward Cameron. "Do you want to hold her?" He shakes his head yes. "Ok come here sit down in this chair." He does and Shawn takes a pillow and sets it across his lap. I lay Ash down on the pillow and she looks content so I stay kneeling beside the chair.

Cameron smiles. He looks at Ash closely "She's so small." He says

"So were you when you were just born Cam." Shawn says

"Her name is Ash." I say. Ash closes her eyes. "I think she likes you."

"Good I like her too. I always wanted a little sister." Cameron says

"Oh Cam…" Shawn starts to say. I put my hand on his arm stopping him.

"And she's going to be very lucky to have you as an older brother."

The doctor comes in with the release forms and I fill everything out. "We're going to miss Ash around here guys."

"Thank you for taking such good care of her." Shawn says

I pick up Ash off the pillow and put her in her carrier. "Cam, do you want to sit next to Ash in her first car ride?" I ask.

"Yeah." He says.

"Ok well it's going to be an important job. She's sleeping right now but if she wakes up your going to have to keep her happy until we get to the hotel do you think you can do that?" I say

"Yeah."

"Alright buddy." We take Ash back to our hotel for her first night out of the hospital. Hercules is on the Disney channel so we watch that with Cam. Shawn pulls the covers up over Cam tucking him in when the movie is over.

"Daddy where's Chris going to sleep?" Cameron asks.

"Well, uh…he's going to sleep in the other bed with me." Shawn says slowly

"Oh, so are you like Jeff and Jay?" Cameron asks

"How did you know about Jeff and Jay?" I ask

"I saw them kissing at Uncle Hunter and Aunt Steph's party." Mental note to remind Jay and Jeff that there are times they have to be discrete.

"You did, oh." Shawn says "Yeah we are like them, is that ok with you?"

Cameron thinks for a minute and shrugs "Yeah, I like Chris."

"Good because so do I." Shawn says and kisses him on the forehead "Goodnight kiddo." Shawn takes my hand and pulls me toward the bathroom. I grab the baby monitor and follow him. "Chris I'm sorry about all Cameron's questions. I guess that's what I get for having such a smart kid."

"Don't worry about it. I'd be telling everyone on the planet that we were together if it wasn't for our jobs. And as for Cam thinking of Ash like a sister, it's fine for now…."

Shawn walks over and pulls me into his arms "I guess it is huh? I mean we both pretty much said we're not going anywhere anytime soon right?" He says

"Yeah so it'll be fine." I say. I push away "I wanna show you something." I walk out of the bathroom and go and retrieve the item out of my bag. I go back in to the bathroom and hand it to Shawn, it being the picture frame that had the picture of Bret and Shawn in it that Shawn had thrown at me. I picked it up and kept it and fixed the frame and had a new piece of glass cut to fit the frame. Shawn's jaw drops slightly and his eyes glass over.

"You fixed it." He pauses for a second "I can't believe you would do that for me."

"I just wanted to show you that I understand what you went through and how hard this whole thing is for you. It's basically my way of saying despite how everything has gone so far we can take this as slow as you need to."

"I want you to move in with me." Shawn says

"That's not exactly the response I was expecting." I say

"I understand if you don't want to I mean…"Shawn says

"No, I mean…the house it was Jess's, I haven't really thought about it much but I don't think I could live there now."

"So you're saying yes." Shawn says nervously

"Yeah, yeah let's do it." I walk over into his arms again. Shawn rests his head on my shoulder and sighs heavily. "It's been a long day huh."

"It sure has." I say "I think I'm going to take a shower before bed." Shawn stands up letting me go.

"Alright."

I smirk at him "Care to join me?"

No I'm not that mean that I would make something wrong with Ash. I know it's a short chapter but I am going to try to write furiously to catch up with real time on raw because I had an idea from what happened a few weeks ago when Vince was doing commentary on Brett's dvd and Shawn came out so that will be coming in the next chapter. Which hopefully I can get done really soon. But I am going to be completely honest with you readers I'm in the midst of running out of ideas for this story. So if you have anything you'd like to see or have any suggestions I will be more than willing to listen to them and give you credit if I decide to use them because honestly I've been working on this story for soooo long now I'm really close to it now which makes it difficult sometimes.


	36. i wanna let's it go

So yeah I know it's been forever. School is continuing to kick my ass and my family got a dog which somehow I've ended up taking care of more than any of them. But I should officially for the next few weeks anyway have more time to update because I broke my foot skateboarding, very, very badly and I'm off work for 9 weeks at least and I may need 1 more surgery. I also broke up with my boyfriend of 9 months. I know it sounds like a country song but unfortunately it's all true. So while I'm off I'll do my best to write some updates but it still bothers me to sit with out my foot up so we'll see what happens. So I will stop with the bull shit and get on with the story.

I didn't want to wake up. The past few nights, sleeping next to Shawn I had slept better than I had in my entire life. I don't want to have to leave for my gig with Fozzy tonight. I reached out for Shawn and frowned when he wasn't there. I opened up my eyes and saw a note.

_Chris,_

_You looked so peaceful so Ash and I thought we should let you sleep. Went to breakfast, will bring you back something._

_-me-_

I smiled. Being with Shawn is better than I ever hoped for. I was falling in love with him more and more every day I am sure of it. We spent the entire day just lying in bed together with Ash yesterday after we had put Cam back on a plane to Becky. It felt so right. There was a pounding on the door. I got up and wrapped a sheet around myself and walked to the door. I chuckled "What's the matter babe for get your…key." I froze. Standing before me was none other than the chairman of the board "Vince."

"Chris, hi. I'm sorry I thought this was Shawn's room." He said

"Um…no…." I swallowed hard "It is. He's out getting breakfast."

I could see the realization come across Vince's face "I'm, I'm just going to go." Vince walked backwards for a few steps before turning around and walking away.

"Great." Well so much for keeping things quiet. I plopped down on the bed and flipped on the Tv and waited for Shawn to get back. It wasn't five minutes later when I heard the door open.

"Hey look whose awake Ash It's your dad." He walked over to me and gave me a quick kiss "Hey you."

"Hey yourself." I said

"You better start getting ready we have to get going if we're going to get in a work out before the pre-show shooting."

"You're right I'm going to hop in the shower then alright?"

"Ok. Come on Ash let's get you changed." I watched as he took our daughter over to the bed and laid her down. "Ok beautiful let's pick you out something for the show ok? Yeah." I wanted to melt. Wait a minute did I just think of Ash as our daughter? Wow. As Michael J Fox said in Back to the Future, this is heavy.

Shawn and I walked into the arena for RAW. I felt like everyone was staring at us but I'm sure they weren't. There's no possible way that they knew about us already. Luckily we were able to keep Ash up most of the afternoon so she was more than ready to take a nap while we sat through the pre-show meeting. Neither of us had any promos to shoot so we went to the cafeteria to get some food and watch the show until we had to get ready. I sat with Ash while Shawn went to get food for us.

"You know, after attempting suicide it's not nice to not let your friends where you are for 4 days!" Jay yells from behind me. He sits down next to me and slaps me on the back. Then he turns his attention to Ash. "Hey kiddo how's it going."

"Hey stranger." Jeff says sitting on the other side of the table "How's it going."

"Pretty well actually." I say.

"So dude, where the hell have you been for the past 4 days?" Jay asks

"Well I was uh…" I know I should probably keep somewhat quiet about Shawn and I but I know that I won't be able to keep this a secret from them.

"Ya know there's something different about you today…" Jay says scanning my face "Oh my god you got laid!"

My Jay dropped in horror. I couldn't believe he just yelled that out. "How could you possibly…" Shawn walks up holding the food.

"Uh hi guys." He says in a small voice.

Now it was Jay and Jeff's turn to be surprised. "You mean…"

"You…and him."

"Uh huh." I say not being able to help the grin that comes across my face.

"And you guys…"

"Uh huh."

"And it was…"

"UH HUH." I say and start laughing.

"Excuse me I'm sitting right here ya know." Shawn says

"Finally." Jay says

"Yeah it's about time." Jeff says.

I look over at Shawn. He's looking down and his checks with a nice flush too them. "Could it be that the great heart break kid is actually blushing?" Jay says

"I bet that's not the only thing that makes his face get all flushed huh Chris?" Jeff says

"Ok, ok that's enough guys I didn't tease you." I say in a pleading voice.

"Oh no way we've been waiting for months for this you've got lots of built up teasing."

In true baby fashion the second I went to take a bite of my food Ash woke up and decided she wanted to eat too. "Shawn hon, can you hand me her bottle out of the diaper bag there." I asked. As soon as I said the words I regretted it. Jay and Jeff broke out into a chorus of awww's. Immature bastards.

"Yeah sure." Shawn said he reached down and unzipped the top of the diaper bag and pulled out the bottle of the side pocket and handed it to me.

"Come here baby." I said pulling my daughter out of her carrier and resting her against my arm sitting across my legs. "You hungry?" I ask holding up her bottle for her to see. "Ok her you go." I watch as she takes the bottle in her mouth and starts to eat. I take my free hand and run my fingers over her forehead. I look up briefly to see that Shawn is looking at me. "What."

"Nothing, you're just are really getting the hang of this dad thing that's all."

"I sure hope so."

"One things for sure she's going to be daddy's girl. I can just see you when she goes on her first date." Shawn says laughing.

"Oh don't even talk about that. Besides that's not going to be for another 30 years anyway. At least you'll be there to keep me from completely killing the guy."

"Keep you from killing him…I'd have first dibs." Shawn starts to laugh. It makes my heart feel all warm to see how much he cares about her.

"Oh go on and kiss him junior we know you want to." Again there's something about that man that never seizes to put a smile on my face. Shawn had a goofy smile on his face but looks slightly alarmed when I reach out and grab his shirt and pull him in for a kiss. Jay and Jeff erupt into cheers.

"Ha ha, very funny guys." I say then something that caught our attention. Vince was talking in the ring. And he was talking about Brett Heart. And he wasn't saying anything good either. He even managed to show some clips of a DVD. I reached out and grab Shawn's hand. "Shawn?" When he didn't answer me I tried again. "Shawn? Babe, are you ok?"

Shawn's face looked pale "What the hell is he doing?" His face then turned angry. I squeezed his hand trying to get his attention but his eyes were glued to the TV. "I've got to put a stop to this."

What just happened? I can't believe this. I shouldn't be surprised that Vince would do something like that. But why now, why after all these years would he attack me and more importantly Brett. That's why I went out there. I couldn't let him bad mouth Brett's memory. I didn't know anyone else was able to get a copy of the Brett's DVD but obviously Vince did. I didn't think he would react like that. What the hell am I going to now? I've been in this business long enough to know that you don't want to be on Vinny Mac's bad side and I think I just made it there. I walk in to the locker room and Chris is sitting on the bench. He looks up when I walk in. "Shawn…I"

I sit down and pull the and dvd player that is on a cart over in front of me. I pulled Brett's DVD out of my bag. "I was contacted about a year ago by paramount about wanting to put out a Brett Heart DVD. Because I am the executor of his estate they had to contact me about releasing old footage of Brett. They had sent me a copy of the finished product about a month ago and I couldn't bring myself to watch it." I open the case and hesitate for a moment before putting it in the DVD player and hit play. With in seconds I'm transported back 10 years. That all too familiar ache starts to creep up on me. Chris must have noticed because he moves closer to me and wraps his arms around me offering comfort. A tear slides now my face and Chris reaches up and wipes it away. I wish I could ignore the twinge of guilt in my heart right now. "God I miss him."

"I know." Chris squeezed me tighter and I move myself further into his embrace. Being with Chris feels so right, I never thought that it could be like this again. But then there's Brett. I wish I knew how to let it go. I want to move on I really do but every time I think of him I have this ache that won't go away and I don't want to hurt over him anymore.

"I'm sorry I know you probably don't like seeing me all torn up about some other guy."

"Hey it's totally understandable, you loved him and he died, he died way to young. I don't blame you at all."

"Thank you. I can't believe Vince would say those things. Why would he feel the need to do that after all these years? I don't even have a clue how he got a copy of this anyway."

"Maybe we should go talk to him."

I sigh "I don't know, some how I don't think that would help." I start rubbing my head with my hands. Chris turns my head toward him.

"I wish there was something I could do to make you're pain go away."

"Just you being here helps a lot." Chris gets this totally cute goofy smile on his face. He grabs my suit coat and pulls me toward him.

"Come here." He pulls me into a kiss. My hand finds it's way up to Chris bare chest. He moans slightly and pushes me so I'm laying down on the bench.

The door opens and Stephanie and Hunter walk in "Shawn I swear I didn't know he was…OHHH I'm sorry."

"Perfect timing as usual Steph."

"So that's why you've been avoiding us for the past few days." Stephanie says the grin on her face growing by the minute. Oh dear lord I'm never going to hear the end of this.

"It's about time you two ass holes ended up on the same page for once." Hunter says

"So we've been told." Chris mutters

"We're we really that bad?" I ask

"Honey Maria knew." Stephanie

"Wow I guess we were." Chris says chuckling

"Well you guys are just going to have to be careful around my father."

"Gees with the stunt he pulled tonight you don't think he…nah…he couldn't possibly know." Hunter says

"Dear god that would be a disaster." I say

"He knows." Chris says in a small voice "He came by this morning when you were out getting breakfast and I answered the door…in the bed sheet."

"You've stirred up a bloody hornets nest now." Hunter says

"Why didn't you tell me about this?"

"I didn't see it as that big of a deal. In fact would someone mind explaining to me why it is a big deal?

"Well you know how my father is about relationships in the company, you saw what happened to Hunter and I and I'm his daughter."

"But he hasn't made a big deal about Jay and Jeff being together." Chris points out.

"Trust me he will. Jeff's not technically back working for the company yet. And Shawn can personally vouch for the fact that he is especially sensitive to having two men wresters dating." Stephanie says, she could see by the look on Chris's face that he didn't understand so she continued "If two men in the company were to date and it were ever to get made public people would have a hard time believing any feud that they would have together. It's the same thing with the men and women if you are trying to do a romantic story line the last thing you want people to know is that one of the people is married or something like that."

"And what does this have to do with you." Chris says looking at me

"Well, Vince obviously saw something between Brett and I. That's why he was constantly putting us against each other trying to keep us at each others throats. That's why he allowed me to do the "screw job" spot. He wanted to get us away from each other for that very reason. But it backfired. That day Brett was being filmed for A&E Biography. And after the match he came after me and we exchanged heated words which ended with me blurting out that I loved him. I don't know who was more surprised him or me. We were so wrapped up in our own little world at that point we forgot about everyone else around us, including the cameras that caught the whole thing on tape." I say

"My father paid a million dollars to get the tape and keep the crew quiet. And he completely wigged out about inter-company dating." Stephanie says

Chris sighs. "I can't believe this. And you yelled at me for not telling you Vince came by. This was kind of an important piece of information don't you think."

I put my head down and run my hands over my hair. "You're right."

"So…what do we do now?" Chris asks

What do we do now? What do we do now? What DO we do now? The thing is I don't have the foggiest idea what to do. I just hope that if Vince is angry which he obviously is that he directs his anger toward me and not anyone else. It would rip my guts out if he hurt Chris because of this. Damn it. Why is it that when things are going perfectly and things are how I've wanted them for so long something has to come along and fuck it up? "I don't know, I really don't know." I say

"Well maybe it won't be as bad as you guys thing it will be. I mean we all know Vinny Mac. He gets mad and explodes and then gets over it. I'm sure this will all blow over."

"I sure as hell hope you're right." I say. Some how I have a feeling were in for a ride.


	37. can't break free until i let it go

A/N: So it's been awhile again. With trying to get my foot better and trying to work to make money to pay for my dumb butt breaking my foot I had less time than I thought to update. But never fear if anyone is actually still reading this I have the next chapter done as well so as soon as I get some reviews I'll post another one for you.

I sat reading a book while Ash slept in the locker room for the night in wherever the hell we were Canada. I missed the little twink so much when she was gone with Chris while he played with Fozzy for a couple of days. And I missed Chris too. More that I ever thought possible. I felt like there was a piece of myself missing. I jump as the door is flung open and with a crash the knob hits the wall. "Of all the low down slimy things for Vince to pull. I can't fucking believe this."

"Wait what happened." I asked

"I was just told by Johnny Ace that creative doesn't have anything for me right now." Chris said in a mocking voice.

"What?"

"Yeah, apparently they want to give me some time at home with my daughter. And they have some things they are about to take off they had planned while I was out and they aren't going to be able to change them after all. I'm being put in a you're fired match with John Cena." I think I may have sputtered out some response but I'm not really sure what it was. "Yeah I can't believe this. Why did he even let me come back in the first place?"

"Well haven't you been working with creative? Can't you just figure something out to work yourself in?"

"I was in the beginning but I was not having enough time to devote to my rehab so that I could be cleared to come back to the ring for the original time we planned on. So Vince agreed that in the ring was where I was needed so I let working with creative go. Man what am I going to do?" He plopped down on the couch next to me. I slide over and he gladly allows me to pull him into my arms.

"I'm so sorry this is all my fault. This isn't about you at all it's about me. I should go talk to Vince." I say.

"I think the only thing that would do is get you in more trouble." Chris groans "This sucks."

"I just can't stand the fact that you are getting hurt because of me. I promise that I will make this right somehow."

"I'm just glad you're here. I don't know what I would do if you weren't right now." Chris sits up and turns toward me. "Shawn, I'm in love with you."

The words exploded from his mouth like a bomb. My emotions went into overdrive as I felt about 50 different things at once. My heart started beating about 1,000 beats a minute. First of all panic; I'm not ready for this, it's too fast. Isn't it? What if I open my heart to him and I get hurt again I don't think I would survive it. Then again probably neither would he. I can't believe he actually loves me. This is incredible. I love him too, I'm sure of it. "I….I…I…" The words are there, they're on the tip of my tongue just ready to spill out. I desperately want to say those words back, hell Chris deserves to hear them but something keeps them trapped inside. "have something I need to go do." I stand up and quickly walk out of the room. I can hear Chris calling after me but my daze keeps me from answering him. I get in our rental car and start to drive. Like I told him there's something I need to do. Hopefully when I do, I'll be able to get those words out. Two and a half hours later I find myself entering Montreal. There's a part of me that hates this place. After what happened I would have been totally fine with never going back again. I soon pulled into the arena that held such bitter sweet memories for me. I sat for a moment before getting out of the car. I walked up to the doors and explained who I was and the person at the door lets me pass. I found the area that we used as locker rooms and then the stairs that lead to the roof. I hadn't been back here in a few years. When Brett and I got together our families weren't exactly thrilled with the idea. Brett's father pretty much ended up denying that he existed. When Brett died he knew his family wouldn't allow him to be buried in their family plot so he wanted to be cremated and in an ultimate act of irony have his ashes scattered off the roof of the arena in Montreal. The place that ultimately brought us together. I take a deep breath and stepped out on to the roof. I don't know why I'm so nervous. It's not like he's really out here. I sit down with cross legs and look up toward the sky. "Hey Brett face." I said using the nickname I came up with for him. I thought it sounded like butt face, which he was. "I'm sorry I haven't come back." My voice cracks a little but I force myself to continue, I need to do this. "When I scattered you're ashes it felt so final and it hurt so much I just couldn't bring myself to relive it. I miss you so much. And not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I realize now that I will always love you. And as much as I may have tried you're not going anywhere. It's time for me to live my life. So I need you to do this one last thing for me. I need you to help me let go. Stephanie was right. You would want me to be happy. And Chris makes me so happy, and I love him. I have you to thank for that because you showed me what love is in the first place." I take a second to wipe the tears that had formed in my eyes. "I know you know all this because I'm sure that you're up there watching over me. How else could I have made it through all the crazy things I've done since you died. I just felt like I had to come here and get it all off my chest and say it to your face as best I could." I let out a huge sigh and let myself fall back laying down on the roof. "God I wish you could meet Cameron hon. He's such an amazing kid and he's so smart, he' obviously gets that from his mother…" And I started to talk. I unloaded all the baggage I've been carrying since Brett died. It feels really good actually. And something tells me he heard me. I talked until my voice grew horse. "I better go I know Chris needs me right now and he must be really worried about me by now especially after the way I ran out of there." I shouldn't have done that. "I will be back soon I promise." I stood up feeling lighter. I can't wait to get back to Chris, the man that I love. It feels so good to say. I love him. I love him. I can't wait to tell him. I sigh, I just hope he's not to mad at me. It's late. I should probably just get a hotel room for the night. I walk down the stairs and out to the car. I take my cell phone out of the cup holder 7 missed calls. Damn. That's all I got before my cell turned itself off, low battery. "Shit."

How could he do this? Those five words have been echoing in my head since last night. The only explanation I have from him was a brief message on my cell that he said long after I had fallen asleep despite my worry. How could he run out like that? I feel like such an idiot. But things were going so well…minus Vince. I hadn't really planned on telling him I loved him but I knew I meant it as soon as I said it. Then he ran out…I've never felt so rejected in my entire life. He could have said I'm ready to say it back. Even if he freaked out a little bit because of something to do with Brett I would have understood. Maybe I was wrong about what was going on between us all along. Come on Chris you don't really believe that. That's why what you're doing is so hard. The door to my hotel room opens and I turn to see Shawn walk in. Relief rushes over me. He's ok, now I can kick his ass. I turned back to my task.

"Hi." Shawn said

I turned toward him "Hi."

"I'm sorry about yesterday." Shawn said

"Yeah so am I."

"You're packing. Why are you packing?" Shawn said, I sensed a slight touch of panic in his voice.

"Frank my manager for Fozzy called me earlier. There's been interest from Australia to have us do some dates. I had him book it. I don't think it could have come at a better time."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Shawn I did not spend months in rehab to sit around on my ass for the rest of my life. I am a wrestler and a musician. That's all I know how to do, that's all I ever wanted to do. And this is a good opportunity for the band. And I have my daughter to think about now. Who knows what's going to happen down the road with her being born too early. Seh could have all sortof of health problems. I really have no idea. I have to be prepared and I can't do that with out a job."

"How long will you be gone?" Shawn asked quietly

"A month at least."

"A month? What about us?"

I sigh "What about us?"

"If this is about last night you don't understand."

"I understand that you couldn't get out of the room fast enough. And then I didn't hear from you for hours. You have no idea how stupid I feel right now. I really thought I had made a dent in that heart of yours. I thought I meant as much to you as you mean to me but I guess I was wrong. I guess I don't really know why I'm mad you just did what you always do, run away."

"I suppose I deserve that." Shawn said. There was a long silence before he spoke again. "So what happens now?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know? Last night you love me now you don't know?"

"I do love you. But you know Shawn, I think that I finally understand that old saying sometimes love isn't enough. That maybe love isn't supposed to be this hard. We've been together what 2 weeks and look at what we've been through just to get here."

"If that's how you feel then I guess you should finish packing." Shawn says obviously hurt. He turns around walks into the bathroom slamming the door shut. Oh Jesus. What did I just do? I'm so confused. I love him so much. Until he can stop running away every time we talk about something serious then we won't work. I really thought we were passed the point where we were running from each other. I guess I was wrong. The thing is I'm pretty sure he loves me too. I shouldn't have to wonder about that. My boyfriend shouldn't be making me second guess his feelings for me. I think I deserve more than that. I shut my suit case. I can do this. I need to do this. I turn around and the bathroom door opens and Shawn steps forward leaning in the doorway. I catch his eye for a second but he lowers his gaze to the floor. Please, please god let him say something, anything. Let him stop me. But he doesn't. I don't know how I'm managing to walk carrying my suitcase and Ash because my entire body is shaking so bad I struggle with every agonizing step. Appropriately enough Ash starts to cry. I just keep going because if I don't leave now I won't be able to. I can feel my heart literally breaking as the door to the hotel room shuts behind me.

come on you didn't think i'd make things that easy for them did you?


	38. it fell on black days

A/N: So I'm really glad people are actually still reading this story, it's been so long since I first posted it. I am determined to finish it and there are only a few more chapters left.

* * *

The door slammed shut and like that he was gone. My body started to shake and I slid to the floor. My lungs temporarily stopped functioning and I gasped for air. Finally my lungs listened. I coughed taking in big breaths. Oh Jesus what have I done. I started rocking back and forth. Oh god, he's gone. He's really gone. Why didn't I stop him? Oh Christ why didn't I stop him. Maybe it's not too late. I push myself up and run to the door throwing it open. Chris is standing at the elevator at the end of the hall. "Chris!" I yell but it comes out as a whisper. I try again with the same result. I start to run down the hall but as I do the hall just gets longer. The more I run the longer it get. "Chris!"

"Chris!" I hear myself scream as my eyes fly open. I sit up my breaths coming in heavy gasps. It was the dream again. That god damn dream. It's haunted me for the past three weeks. Everything I was afraid of has come to pass. Chris got hurt and left me because of it. They did let Jeff come back just in time for them to "let" Jay leave because his contract was up. In all actuality they had no interest in negotiating another one. I've been launched into a feud against Vince. Hunter and Stephanie were the only things I had left and now they are put in the position of choosing between me and Vince. Needless to say I haven't heard from them in a week and a half. But the funny thing is the only thing out of all of that I care about is Chris. Nothing else matters, not anymore. My god why didn't I stop him? I should have stopped him. But if he really feels like he needs to do get Fozzy going to support his daughter then who am I to get in the way. I get up and walk slowly into the bathroom. I turn on the water and cup my hands gathering some then splash it on my face. I look at myself in the mirror. I hardly recognize the man looking back at me. My eyes are no longer blue but a bloodshot red. I have deep circles under my eyes from lack of sleep; which is quite ironic because I've hardly left my bed since Chris walked out the door. My hair is greasy; I haven't been able to muster up the energy to take a shower in a while except after matches. I sight heavily and walk back into the other room as there's a knock at the door. I don't bother going to get it and get back into bed and pull the covers over my head. After a few minutes the knocking subsides but seconds later there was a click and I hear a creak as the door is probably opening. I groan the last thing I need right now is company.

"Shawn? Shawn." I heard Stephanie voice

I groan "Go away."

"Come on Shawn." She says again pulling the covers back off me. "It's been three weeks."

"I know…I know." I say. My lungs start to itch and I cough.

"Shawn you can't just hide out in your hotel room. It's not good for you."

"Just leave me alone Steph." I mumble

"I understand you're hurting. You're walking around in a daze like some lost puppy."

"No you don't understand. You don't understand at all."

"Shawn I…"

"No you don't get to come in here after a week and a half of not talking to me and tell me you understand. You don't understand! Chris left. I can't even get my brain to form words. It's like I cut off my own arm…I… Just leave; please just leave me alone."

Stephanie sighs "Fine but I'll be back to check on you."

After laying there for a while there is another knock at the door. The door clicks. Some one should really talk to security about this. Of all people it's John and Randy. "What are you guys doing here?"

"Well we brought food." John says holding up a bag. I grunt and sit motionless as they take out a sandwich and set it in front of me. I sit there staring at it for a while when I realize that Randy is talking to me.

"Oh yeah it's fine."

"I asked what you're match is going to be tomorrow." Randy says.

"Oh I…I think their bringing in Shane." I stare at the TV. I couldn't tell you what was on or how long I was watching it until I realized there was talking again.

"Shawn you haven't touched your sandwich." John says

"Huh? Oh I'm just not that hungry." I start to cough again.

"Come on Shawn, no one's scene you eat in days. When was the last time you ate?" Randy asks

I sigh "I don't know does it matter?"

"Come on we're going out." John says

"Yeah," says Randy "yeah come on Shawn."

"No guys you go ahead I don't really want to I'm not in the mood." I say. Despite my protest they pull me up everything feels heavy as they pull me toward the door. "Guy's no really you can go ahead." In the end I was no match for them. They dragged me to some awful club. I didn't want to be there. It was loud and smoky. The last place I wanted to be. There we're a few other WWE start sitting at a table when we got there. I sank into the booth. People were talking to me but I ignored them. I stared at the people out on the dance floor. They were out there probably pleasantly buzzed not a care in the world, having the time of their lives. What I wouldn't give to be them right now. I look back at the table and everyone there was doing the same thing. There was a drink in front of me I took a small sip. As much as I would like to drown my sorrows I already feel shitty enough with out the addition of a hangover in the morning. "I'm going to take off." I yelled "This was a bad idea."

"Shawn why? We just got here." John says

"John please…" I beg

I see the understanding in his eyes as he nods "Ok, alright. Just give me a minute." John says he walks over and grabs Randy's hand whispering in his ear. Randy nods and they come back over to me.

"Alright Shawn let's go." Randy says

"Guys you don't have to go stay just because I'm not in the mood it doesn't mean you guys can't…" I say and John cuts me off

"Don't be silly." We walk back to the hotel and as we get in the elevator I realize they are still with me. "Let's hang out and watch a movie or something."

"Fine, whatever." I say. We end up back in my hotel and I plop down on the bed and John sits next to me Randy sits on the floor and moves sitting between John's legs. Randy grabs the remote and starts flipping through the channels and finally stops on something. Oh geese of all the movies…

"Butterfly Effect, I love this movie."

"Yeah, it's a good movie. I watched it not to long ago. With Chris it's one of his favorites too."

"Oh man. Shawn I'm so sorry." Randy says

"We were just trying to cheer you up. But we're messing that up aren't we?" John says

"I guess thanks for trying guys."

"John babe I think we should go." Randy says

"Yeah I guess. Shawn I'm sorry, really I am." John says

"I know." I fall back on to the bed. I hear the door shut. Alone once again. Maybe I should have had them stay. Ah fuck it. I lay there trying my hardest not to think about Chris. I roll on my side and pull my legs up on the bed not bothering to grab the blankets around me. I stare at the clock. It seems that I blink at it's the next day and time for me to go to the taping of Raw. Did I even sleep? I guess I don't care. I get up and gather my things. The weight of my body is almost unbearable add my bag of gear and I could hardly walk. By the mercy of god there is a cab weighting outside. I get to the arena and avoid everyone and walk straight to my dressing room for the night. I lay down on the bench. The door swings open and Stephanie rushes in the room.

"Shawn? Look I know you don't want to talk to me I can't really blame you but you have to listen to me. My father is going to…" Stephanie says. I remember watching Charlie Brown. When he was going to school his teacher had this muffled sound and you couldn't ever understand what she was saying. That's all my brain processed out of the rest of Stephanie's conversation. I look down at my watch and realize it's time for me to go on. I get up and walk toward the door. "Shawn? Shawn did you hear a word I was saying? We have to do something. We have to make a plan."

"Steph it doesn't matter." I said. She looked at me in shock. The most shocking thing about that statement was how much I meant it.

The light's flashed all around me as the song ended. "Thank you! Good night Sidney!" I walked hurriedly off the stage. One of the crew yelled good show at me as I walked out one of the side doors. The emptiness of being with out Shawn returns as my mind has nothing more to distract it. So I do the one thing that seems to bring me some relief. I reached into the pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. I battled with myself mentally for a minute before taking one out and putting it to my lips. I took the lighter out of the other pocked and watched the flame come to life against the darkness of the alley catching the end on fire for a moment leaving an orange glow. I inhaled deeply coughing lightly as the smoke touched my lungs. I sank down sitting on the curb. I jumped as the door slammed shut.

"Since when do you smoke?" I turned to see "The Duke" standing there.

"Well I'm already missing a kidney and my liver is all fucked up I thought I'd work on my lungs next." I said sarcastically. He takes the cigarette out of my hand and lets it drop to the ground putting it out with his foot.

"What's going on with you?" He asks

I scoff "If you only knew the half of it."

"Seriously these past three weeks you've hardly said two words off stage and that is not like you at all. All you do is hang out at the hotels in your bed but you look like you've hardly slept. You hardly touch your food. Is it your back? Was this too much for you so soon because if it was…"

I cut him off "No it's nothing like that, although my back does hurt some still." Three weeks has it really been three weeks already?

"Well then what." He asked; I could here the genuine concern in his voice.

If only he knew. "You wouldn't understand."

"Why don't you try me." He said.

"Alright, you asked for it." I said. And I started talking, telling him the whole story, every blasted detail. From the first time I saw Shawn on TV to walking out of the hotel room door with Ash. I felt surprisingly better. It was oddly therapeutic to tell the agonizing story. And Duke smacked me across the face. That was certainly not the reaction I had anticipated. "Ouch dude! What the hell was that for?"

"What are you and idiot?" He says

"Excuse me?"

"After everything he's done for you…after everything you've been through to get together you honestly think he doesn't love you."

"Well I…"

"I thought you would have gotten passed that. Don't you see what a huge step even allowing himself to be with you was? After everything that mans been through I'm surprised you even got him to admit he liked you at all. Did you even give him a chance to explain himself?" Duke asked

"Well no I suppose I…"

"And you run off to Australia after your fight? Isn't that doing just what you accused him of?"

"I guess I never thought of it that way." There was a long silence "But if all that's true why didn't he stop me from going. If he would have said one word I would have given it all up to be with him."

"Maybe because he's a father himself part of him understood some of the reasons you were going."

"Oh Jesus, I messed things up again didn't I?" I ask quietly

"If you call walking away from the man you've been in love with since you were 17 a mistake then yeah I'd say you made a huge one."

"Thanks for the talk."

"That's what friends are for…to listen and then smack some sense into you when you're being a dill hole."

"Dill hole?" I ask laughing a little

"Yeah we've been watching That 70's show on DVD in van. Man you really have been out of it." He says

"I guess so." I paused for a moment "So you're really cool with the fact I've been sleeping with another man?"

"Did you think I wouldn't be? You're still the same person you were before you told me. I don't want to hear about your bedroom escapades either way so it doesn't make any difference to me. And Shawn's a good guy you and Ash will be lucky to have him in your lives"

"Thanks man. I just hope he'll forgive me for this one." I say. I jump as I feel the vibration through my pants of my cell phone ringing. I pull the cursed thing out of my pocket and glance curiously at the caller id. "Hello?"

"Chris?" Hunter's voice said. "Sorry for calling you like this with the time difference and all I know you're in Australia but I thought you should know that Shawn's been hurt." All Hunter heard from me was a crash as the phone slipped from my hand and landed on the pavement.

* * *

So another chapter done...hope you enjoy as always review they make my day! 


	39. come together right now, over me

I swear if it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have any luck at all

I swear if it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have any luck at all. Of all the things in the world I did not need this. I sat in my hospital bed staring at my leg. I could kill the stupid spirit idiots. They weren't supposed pull that move on me. But I'm sure Vince had other plans. I knew I was in trouble the minute they tossed me in the air. It was the craziest thing it was like I was watching myself fly through the air knowing that it was going to end terribly badly and I couldn't do anything about it. I slam my fist against the bed. The door opens. My heart stops for a beat as I couldn't help myself from hoping it was Chris on the other side. "Hey Shawn." Said Hunter. He and Stephanie walked into my hospital room.

"Hi. I didn't know you were still here."

"We wouldn't have left with out knowing you were ok. You know that." Stephanie said.

"Do I?"

"Come on man." Hunter said

"I'm sorry. It's been a rough day."

"Yeah and it's all because of my father. I'm sorry Shawn."

"It's not your fault." I sighed "I don't know what to do anymore."

"I have a few ideas." Hunter says "Vince wants to make trouble in our lives let's make some trouble in his."

"What?" Stephanie says

"You don't mean…? We couldn't, could we?" I say

"No, you're not thinking what I think you're thinking are you?" Stephanie asks

"I've got two words for you Shawn." Hunter says with an evil smirk

"I'm thinking I'm going to have to restock my supply of spray paint." I say giving Hunter a high five."

"Let the hilarity begin." Hunter says. Stephanie let's out a groan.

Luckily for me the injury to my knee wasn't that serious after all. But that didn't stop it from hurting like a bitch. And it also didn't stop Vince from scheduling me to be at the arena for the house show the next night. I was supposed to have another title shot. And here I sit having to wrap up my knee hardly able to walk out to the ring. Hunter and I came up with some brilliant ideas and it's going to be so much fun but I have no idea if I'm going to be able to hold up my end of the deal. And people want to see me kick Vince's ass, I can feel it. This just sucks. I feel like I'm going to be letting everyone down. But what are you supposed to do when it's you're body you're battling. This is so god damn frustrating. It's my back injuries all over again. Ok well maybe I'm being slightly over dramatic, I mean look what Chris just battled back from. I sigh. He's the last person I need to be thinking about right now. It doesn't stop the tears from forming in my eyes. I wipe at them furiously. But they come back blinding my vision. A distraction that's what I need. I pick up my ace bandage and place it on the top of my knee and begin to wrap it only to have it come undone seconds later. I take some deep breaths and wipe at my now stinging eyes and start again with the same results. My anger explodes and in the form of repeatedly hitting my knee. I almost immediately realize that that was an incredibly bad idea and cry out in pain. I feel a hand on my knee. I open my eyes and look up. I take in a deep breath of surprise.

"Here let me." Chris says. Of all the words in the English language none of them could describe what I was feeling at that moment. All my emotion came flooding out of me and my whole body shook with my sobs. "Oh baby." Chris pulled me in close to him and I felt at home. Chris reached out and wiped away the tears from my face with his thumbs.

"Are you really here?" I asked. "I'm not just dreaming?"

"I heard you were hurt. I had to come…I flew all last night and today. I just had to get to you. Shawn I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have pushed you and I should have been more understanding and then I went and did everything I was accusing you of."

"No you have nothing to be sorry about. I do love you. I love you so much. I should have told you, I should have told you a million times." I saw the smile grow to epic proportions. "What?"

"Say it again."

"I love you Chris."

"I love you too." Our lips crashed together with a passion I have never known before. Finally the need for air made us reluctantly part. "Please, please don't ever leave me again. I couldn't take it. I can't live with out you. I don't want to live with out you."

"I won't baby, I won't." Chris says "I was hanging on by a thread myself."

"Really?" I ask with a soft smile. Chris nods. "And you flew all the way from Australia just to be with me."

"I'd do anything for you." I grab Chris's shirt and pull him toward me into a kiss. We groped furiously at each other breaking long enough for him to pull his shirt over his head. It might have been the fact that I hadn't scene him in over 3 weeks but he had never looked so gorgeous. I drank in his muscular arms and chest licking my lips. Chris smirked.

"You have no idea how much I missed you." I whisper. Chris's hands find the bulge in my pants.

"I think I have some idea." His had roam over my thighs and I wince when he finds my knee. "Maybe we shouldn't do this."

"God please don't stop now."

"But your knee…"

"We'll work something out." Our lips find each other's again. I let my hands start to roam. I smile against his mouth when I realize his arousal matches my own. Obviously he missed me too. My mind registers a far off noise in the hall. Oh damn it not now! I allow myself to concentrate on it long enough to realize that it's Vince. And Hunter. "Oh no."

Chris manages an answer "What oh no?"

"Hunter and I kind of spray painted Vince's jet."

Chris stops "You what?"

"Well…"

"And you said I stirred up a bloody hornet's nest Jesus Christ Shawn."

"Well we reformed DX and with that it's kind of like walking down the street naked, once you go outside you might as well look in some stores or buy something or…." Something slams. "Oh shit…" I get up and run to the door Chris following close behind.

"Who the hell do you think you are? You son of a bitch!" Vince growls

"Easy Vince…what's a little paint between friends?" Hunter says

"Do you have any idea how much money that cost to fix."

Hunter looks over noticing me there "Well I'm not exactly up to date on my plane redecorating Vince…Shawn?

"What you think just because I'm bi that means I know about decorating…you've scene my house Hunter."

"True."

"True? Wait what's that supposed to mean?"

"Enough! You two clowns think this is funny?"

Hunter and I pretend to whisper back and forth for a few seconds "Yeah we do."

"Fine, see how much you're laughing when you get put in a inferno hell in a cell match with no DQ with the Spirit Squad and the Big Show!"

"What you can't do that!" I say

"Oh I think I just did!"

"That's enough!" Stephanie screamed. Funny I hadn't even noticed her standing there. "Enough. I can't take this anymore. You two are tearing me apart. Hunter I love you. And Vince you are my father. You two are acting like children on the playground. I'm not going to deal with it anymore. I will not have my father and the father of my child at each other's throats anymore!"

"Steph I'm sorry I didn't even thinking about…." Hunter says

"I'm am sorry kiddo I didn't mean to put you in the middle of this thing…"

"Wait did you say father of your child?" Chris asks

"Child? Steph did you? Are you…? Are we…?" Hunter let's the question hang in the air as Stephanie slowly nodded. Seconds later Hunter hit the floor. Stephanie rushes over to him and hits his face a few times.

"Come on it's going to get a whole lot worse that this, you can't get all squeamish on me yet."

"I'm sorry I just…wow a baby."

"Yeah I know. Do you think the worlds ready for this kind of McMahon Helmsley era?"

Hunter chuckles "I love you."

"I love you too." Stephanie says. I clear my throat as the two share a kiss. Stephanie smiles then stands with Hunter takes his hand walking over to her father. "Dad…daddy? Are you crying?"

"My baby's having a baby." They both chuckle a little at the cheesiness of the statement. He hugs her "I'm really happy for you sweetheart."

"Thank you."

Vince turns to hunter. "And you two son."

"Thank you Vince. I really am sorry for everything Shawn and I will pay to have your jet repainted."

"We will?" Chris elbows me "Of course we will."

"And we'll have a meeting to get this feud over as soon as possible." Vince says

"See this is a start." Stephanie says

"Shawn…I do owe you an apology also."

"Vince really…"

"No, now you of all people know that I don't do this very often so I would shut up and let me do it." I nod "I don't approve of inter company dating. I think you understand why that is. But you've been a loyal employee for a long time and I should have given you the respect of coming to you personally about it rather than the way I did."

"Thank you. I do understand. Vince I didn't do any of this to demean what you did for Brett and I. I wouldn't be where I am with out what you did and there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about that. I just want you to know that." I say

"Good. A part of me felt like you forgot."

"No absolutely not."

"You do realize you two will have to be extremely careful in the future." Vince says

"So you don't mind if we have a future together."

"Well that was never really my decision in the first place."

"But…the match with John Cena…you fired me basically." Chris says

"No we said we had made plans for some things while you were supposed to be out with your injury and we couldn't change them after all. And we didn't have anything for you at the moment so we gave you some time to be with your new daughter. And that's exactly what we meant. I never had any intention of having you out permanently. In fact we can have a meeting to discuss some ideas if you want. I would have offered that to you before but you were so quick to run off to the land down under that I never got to it."

"Really? Wow. I don't know what to say." Chris says. Vince looks down at his watch.

"That good because I don't have time to hear it. I've got to go, the show is starting." Vince says. He gives Stephanie a quick hug and shakes hands briefly with Hunter nods at Chris and like that is gone.

"So…" Hunter says with a smirk "Your back."

"Yeah, I flew in about 2 hours ago and drove here from the airport." Chris says.

"And he already has you out of your clothes? You two didn't waist any time did you."

Chris sighs "Nice to see you too Trips."

"Hey I should be mad I'm out here getting yelled at by Vince and you two jerks were…"

"Give us a break man." I say "We haven't scene each other in three weeks." Hunter and Stephanie looked at each other and shrugged and nodded.

"So I guess we won't be seeing you two tonight then huh."

"Nope." Chris and I both said at the same time.

"You guys have fun we'll celebrate some other time." Hunter says

"Isn't celebrating what got her like this in the first place?" Chris asks

"I knew there was a reason I didn't miss you." Hunter says

"That hurt's Trips, that really hurt's." Chris says

"As fun as this has been, and it has, I have to go to. Boss's daughter and all. I'm glad you're back Chris." Stephanie says and gives Chris a quick hug before walking away.

"I'm going to go with her." Hunter says "Oh and Chris take good care of our boy until the match."

Chris looks over at me and smiles. His had finds mine. "Gladly."

Just then something occurred to me. "Where's Ash?"

"Oh, well even though she's flown a few times in her young life I thought a trip to Australia would be too much." Chris says "She's staying with my parents. Jess's parents were flying in for the weekend one of the weekends and her sister one of the other ones to give them a break. And Jay and Jeff were going to spend their days off this month at Jay's parents because they don't live to far away from my parents. That way they could help out too. I called them when I was at the airport and told them what was going on and I got us plane tickets for tomorrow morning to go get her."

"Us? That was pretty optimistic of you wasn't it?"

"No I just going to do whatever it took to not leave with out you again."

"What ever it took huh?" I smile at him slyly. He pulls me close to him putting his arms around me letting them rest around my lower back.

"Ummm." He kisses me. "I can be very…" he kisses me again "very" kiss "persuasive" A chill of excitement runs through my spine. I swear what that man does to me…

I reach up and brush a piece of hair off of Chris's face and tuck it behind his ear letting my fingers trail across his cheek. I lean in and kiss his lips. "I love you."

"I love you too."


	40. meet the parents

I yawn as I pulled our rental car in to the driveway of my childhood home. I couldn't wait to see Ash. Three weeks is a really long time. I smile. I am so lucky. I've got the best kid in the world. And Shawn is the greatest, most sexy boyfriend ever. He actually gave me another chance. And he loves me, he actually loves me. "Well this is it the casa de Irvine." I look over at Shawn and he looked very pale against the light of the street lamps. "Shawn what's the matter."

"I, maybe I shouldn't have come with you or maybe I should be staying at a hotel or something. I don't really do parents that well, not even my own."

I reach out and lay my hand on top of his. "Hon why are you so nervous you've met them before. They already like you."

"Yeah but that was before I was dating you. Things are different now." He pointed out.

"It's not going to make a difference, trust me. Everything will be fine."

"I wish I could believe you, I really do but my own experience tells me something different."

"Are you talking about your own family Kevin said that…"

"Yeah and Brett's, if it's all the same to you I don't really want to talk about it right now I'm nervous enough as it is."

"Ok, that's ok but I'm telling you it will be fine." I reach over and squeeze Shawn's hand trying to give him some strength. "I have to tell you that I find this nervous and vulnerable side very attractive."

He chuckles, well, nervously "Yeah." I can't help but notice the deep breath he takes before getting out of the car. Jesus Christ it must have went really badly with his parents. I guess no parent really wants to hear that their child is interested in people of the same sex but it's not the end of the world. I remember my father catching Jay and I making out when we were like 17. I guess we felt comfortable enough with each other since we knew each other for so long. I had been a complete mess after seeing Shawn on wrestling. I knew I was attracted to him but I didn't know what that meant. Yes, Shawn was my first guy crush, you can all awww now. Anyway Jay had been questioning himself for years so one night after drinking at a party we experimented I don't even remember who or how it started I do remember that it was a week before my parents let him come over again. But they did let him come over again. And Jay and I realized we had been friends way too long to have any real romantic feelings for each other and we didn't want to go there, not with each other anyway and there's been nothing but a few kisses on Christmas and birthdays and of course New Years since then. I get out of the car and walk around and take Shawn's hand in mine. I nod toward the door.

"Come on it's ok, really. Come on." We walk up to the door and I open it and walk in. "Hello?" I call out into the house.

"Chris?" I hear my mother yell from the kitchen.

"Yes mom I'm here."

"Hey son." My father came walking down the stairs. "Shawn, it's good to see you again."

"Hi dad." I walk over and give him a hug.

"Mr. Irvine."

"You can call me Ted, Shawn."

"Ok."

"How was the flight?" My mom asks

"Oh it was fine. Back's kind of stiff.

"Well I guess that's to be expected I suppose after a flight from Australia yesterday then here today."

"Yeah you're probably right." I look over at Shawn and can't help but smile. "It was worth it though."

"So are you guys hungry or anything." My mom asks "Oh geese what am I saying you probably want to see your daughter." Shawn and I both nod "Alright, I have her set up in your old room Chris."

"Thanks Ma." I walked up stairs. Shawn was close behind. We walk into my old room and my heart swells at the sight of my daughter. I walk over and pick her up. "Hey baby. Oh daddy's missed you."

Shawn walks over and sits next to me. "My god she's huge." He reaches out and let's her grab his finger "What have grandma and grandpa been feeding you huh?" I babble on to Ash for a few minutes then I notice Shawn isn't sitting next to me anymore. I turn to see what he's up to.

"What are you looking at babe?" I ask

"I'm just admiring your decorating."

"My what?" I now see what he's looking at. He's looking at my poster of the rockers next to a poster of himself. I get up and walk over to him. "Oh god. Well I did tell you that I had a thing for you as a kid. And my parents really haven't changed my room since I left…" He turns around to me and pulls me into his arms.

"I think it's flattering." He whispers in my ear. I turn my head and put my lips to his. God I love kissing this man. My heart feels like it just want to jump right out of my chest. I almost didn't hear the door open.

"I um, was just going to tell you that there is lasagna in the kitchen you can cut yourself some if you want. I'm going to bed. Don't get me wrong son I love this little girl but there's a reason 60 year old women don't have children."

"Thanks mom, for everything." I say and walk over and give her a hug.

"Goodnight boys"

"Night mom."

"Goodnight Mrs. Irvine." Shawn says. She shuts the door. I walked over and wrapped my arms around Shawn and kiss his neck. I feel him tense. "God that was embarrassing."

"It's ok Shawn."

"I know you keep saying that."

"And I mean it." I continue kissing his neck down to his collar bone. "You just need to relax." I let my hands slide down his arms and find his hands linking them with my own. Visions of my youth ran through my head. After all these years my dreams of having Shawn alone in my room finally coming to life made my pants uncomfortably tight.

"Ok I'll try."

"Anything I can do to help?" I'm sure he could hear the smirk in my voice because he elbowed me playfully. "Hey what was that for?"

"We're in your parents house….I can't….it would be way too weird." Shawn says in a small voice. "I'm sorry Chris."

I put my hands on each side of his face. "Shawn there's no need to be sorry. It's fine." I chuckle "Just having you here with me sleeping in my bed is enough to fulfill a lot of adolescent fantasies." I flop down on the bed next to my daughter. "It's been a long couple of days anyway I'm exhausted."

Shawn lies on the other side of Ash and puts an arm over both of us. "Yeah, me too." He says. Nothing could get better than my daughter and my man both laying her with me with me. My enjoyment of the moment was short lived however because everything in the past few days caught up to me and my eyelids became very heavy.

I walked down the stairs letting my hand trail along the railing. Water yeah water will help. Even with how cool his mom seemed earlier I can't seem to shake myself of the uneasy feeling. Not that I don't know why it wasn't my mom who…no I won't go there this is the last thing I need to think about right now. I walk in to the kitchen and stop. Ted is sitting at the kitchen table. Great, just great. "Hi."

"Hey Shawn what are you doing up."

"I couldn't really sleep."

"Ah, yeah Ash has been waking up about this time I guess my body has adjusted in the past few weeks. Have a seat." He says motioning toward another one of the chairs at the table. Now the last thing I wanted to do was sit down alone with this man and have a conversation but that is exactly what I found myself doing. Of course. "So Chris tells me you live on a ranch in Texas?"

"Yeah I do, we have about 50 acres. My brother and his wife live there and take care of it for me when I'm away."

"And you have horses?"

"Yes we have 5. And we're looking to take on another one."

"I've never been horse back riding. I've always wanted to though."

"Well you'll have to come down some time. I'll be glad to take you." This was going a lot better than I expected.

"Ok. I'll definitely take you up on that offer. And it would give me an excuse to see my granddaughter too." I look at him surprised. "Chris told me he was going to be moving there with you."

"Oh." I pause for a moment before asking this knowingly loaded question. "It's not going to bother you to see where Chris and I live together. Seeing us together like that." Ted sat in silence for a minute. Oh great why did I have to go and open my big mouth like that. Here we go the other shoe is about to drop just like I knew it would.

"Shawn, come with me for a minute. There's something I think you should see." He gets up and heads into the living room. "Sit down I'll just be a minute." True to his word he comes back with a video tape. He puts it in the VCR and pushes play. Chris comes on to the screen.

"What is…" My sentence dies off as I hear what Chris was saying. That night….he had made a suicide tape. Dear god. My heart begins to ache for him as he begins to relate his story. I never realized how much of a toll his injury had taken on him. Tears filled my eyes. And I thought I understood what was going on in his head. I knew he wasn't doing well at the time but I had no idea how bad he really was. Even though I walked in on him that night some how it didn't seem real until right now. He was really going to go through with it. I really almost lost him. Twice actually. I let my hand reach out toward the screen then remember I'm not alone so I let it run over my hair. "Turn it off. Please god, turn it off." We sat there in silence for a few minutes where I threatened to either stare a whole in the carpet or blow chunks, I didn't know which. "Why would you show me this?"

"Chris left his video recorder here for us to make videos of Ash for him. This was on the beginning of the tape." Ted is quiet for a few minutes obviously gathering his thoughts. Ted's voice catches my attention and I turn my head toward him. "Listen Shawn. This may not be the life I would have picked for my son. But I'm sure glad he found you. It's because of you I still have a son at all."

"How did you know that it was me that…"

"I know my son. When he called to tell us that he got back feeling in his legs I knew there was something he wasn't telling us. If he had gotten it in his head to do something…so drastic it would have taken something pretty powerful to stop him. I saw how you looked at him at the hospital Shawn and he's been in love with you most of his life. You make him happy. I would have to be blind not to see that. For that son you will always be welcome in my family."

"Thank you." I say quietly "You have no idea what that means to me, really. Brett's family didn't like me mostly on principle. I was in competition with their golden boy and I had gotten the last laugh in the most devious of ways. And I, uh, don't even talk to my own family much since my relationship with Bret. My, don't ask don't tell, cornel father wouldn't stand for his son being with another man. I haven't talked to him since then."

"I don't know how people can do that type of thing to their own children. It's not right Shawn. You're a good man; your father is missing out."

"Thanks." My heart warms and I finally start to feel a little more relaxed in this situation.

Ted smirks at me "But don't think that doesn't mean that I won't have to kill you if you hurt my son."

I smile "Understood. But I don't plan on it. If I have anything to say about it I'm going to be sticking around for a long, long time." I yawn. "I think I can finally get some sleep now."

Ted yawns too. "Yeah me too." We both get up and start heading toward the bedrooms "Goodnight son."

I nod "Goodnight, see you in the morning." I walk in Chris's room and shut the door and smile. He called me son. I turn to look at Chris lying in bed. His hair shined in the moonlight. He looked like an angel, my angel. I climb back in bed and Chris moves close putting his arms around me laying his head on my chest.

"Where'd you go babe."

"Just to get a drink. I had a little talk with your father."

"My father? What…." I silence him by pressing my lips to his with as much passion as I could muster. He doesn't resist as I swing my leg over him straddling his hips.

"I love you." I whisper in his ear.

"I love you too baby." He says sounding slightly surprised. My hands find their way under his shirt running their way over his abs finding the waist of his pajama pants and underneath. I chuckle at the groan than escapes from Chris.

"So tell me about those fantasies of yours."

"But you said…"

"Shhhhh…You told me to relax. I think I finally have managed to do that." I start kissing a line down his jaw bone. "Because right now I feel very…very relaxed."

I lay there with Shawn in my arms. "Not that I'm complaining here but what was that all about."

"I saw the tape….of that night." Shawn says quietly "You're father showed it to me…"

My heart drops "Oh." I try to swallow but it's hard "Not exactly my proudest moment."

"I know baby I know. But your father, he knew somehow that I'd stopped you. He said I was welcome in this family."

A smile traced across my lips. I love my father very much at this moment. "I told you, you had nothing to worry about."

"I know you did it's just the last time it didn't go so well. Bret and I were together for quite a while before we thought about our families. His parents didn't object to him being with another man so much as the man he chose. They had scene what we had done to each other over the years. They saw how I had hurt him in the "screw job". They thought I wasn't good for him. I could almost respect that. My parents, well it went worse much worse. I hadn't even told them I was seeing anyone let alone another man when they came for a surprise visit. They came in and we were lying on the couch together. My father was furious. He through every gay slur he could think of at us. Brett tried to stand up for me and he and my father got into it. It all happened so fast. My father shoved Brett and Brett ended up on the ground I stepped between them and my father wouldn't stop and I hit him. I'll never forget the look on his face, the shock and the hurt. Then he said, and I'll never forget his words and long as I live. He said it was either my family or Brett. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do. The room was silent for a minute or two and he told me I was no longer his son. He took my mother, who was crying, and they left. But not before telling me he hoped I was going to be happy burning in hell. And I haven't scene either of them since.

"Shawn that's awful. Jesus you've been through so much. I totally understand now why you had such a problem with us." I felt him try to cuddle closer to me. I tangled my fingers in his hair. Soon I could tell by his even breathing Shawn had fallen asleep. I followed soon after.

I don't recognize where I am at first when I wake up. I can't help the smile when I see Chris and Ash lying there. They look so peaceful. Then it all comes back. The knot that had been in my stomach for the past 24 hours reties itself. Chris's family. Everything will be fine with Chris's family. I exhale deeply. Yeah that's the last thing that I need to think about at this point. I get up as quietly as I can so I don't wake my two sleeping beauties. I walk into the living room and Chris's mom is sitting on the couch watching the news.

"Morning Shawn."

"Morning Clare."

"Sleep well?"

"Yeah thanks."

"There's coffee in the kitchen if you want some."

"Oh ok thanks."

"I haven't gotten to go shopping in the past few days I was going to go out and pick up something for us to eat for breakfast. Do you want to come with me?" Clare says

"Of course." I say. This is going to be interesting I'm sure. I walk with her out to her car and get in the passenger seat. We drive in to town and she pulls up to a small bakery. When we walk into the building a bell dings and the woman behind the counter waves at Clare.

"Hi Mallory." Clare says

"Hello Mrs. Irvine." Mallory says "And Shawn Michaels. Wow hi."

"Hi Mallory. I forget that the WWE is so popular up here."

"Oh yeah I've watched you for years, and Chris of course."

"Mallory's father owns the bakery and our families have known each other for years her and Chris even went to prom together."

I smirk storing this piece of information away fro later. "Oh really"

"So what are you doing up here?" She asks

"Oh well uh…." I stutter

"Chris is just visiting with Shawn, they've gotten to be pretty good friends over the years." Clair supplied

"Oh well that's cool. Anyways probably should get back to work…."

"Of course dear. We'll see you soon ok?" Clair says. We get our items and head to the car. After everything that happened with Ted last night I thought I knew it was all too good to be true. I knew it was too soon to think that everything was going to be fine. She introduced me as Chris's friend. Chris's friend. "I'm sorry about that back there."

"What?"

"Well I sort of forgot about that being Mallory's shop I didn't think about how that must have been a little awkward…."

"It's ok and I understand why you did what you did."

"Well didn't know what to say exactly. Chris hasn't ever dated anyone that worked with him before. I didn't know if there were rules that you would have to be careful of."

Oh, well now I feel bad that I overreacted as usual I guess. "Oh that, well yes we do have to be careful about that. If people were to find out we were dating it could wreck anything that they have planned for us on the air. I thought….I thought maybe you didn't want to tell her why I was really here."

"Well Chris, It's been my experience that people worry a little too much about what other people think." I nod. And with that the knot in my stomach untied. I think from now on things are actually going to be….fine. Everything's going to be fine.


End file.
